How often should you see Grandparents

There are no shoulds and no hierarchies of entitlement. It's just that old piece of string - it's of a very variable length. It's not about quantity but quality and love, interest in the grandchildren, engagement and connection. Every family is unique. Some grandchildren are closer to grandparents who live in another country than they are to those who live in the next town. Find what works for you, your children and your family.

I'm sure if I lived near my grandchildren I would see them several times a week. Both my daughters work in community care and if we were around to have the little one and be there after school they could both work a few more hours. Also would see DDs more as they would be able to pop in for coffee between rounds. Just have to work on DH to move or win the lottery so I can go, alone if necessary.

Lots of us would love to see our Grandkids once a week! Ours are an hour and a half down the M40. We see them three , four or five times a year. If we're lucky!

We used to call my grandparents Nana a Long Way and Nana a Little Way for obvious reasons. One we would visit every Sunday morning and more often during school holidays. The other we would stay at during school holidays for a week or two. The latter had a habit of saying 'hello stranger' when we arrived (and other relatives, my father was from a large family) but their guilt tripping really didn't work. Their eldest son stopped visiting altogether. I don't think that I ever met him.
Once a week is not unreasonable particularly for a very young baby. If you can manage more often it wouldn't hurt unless they are the kind of people who are never going to be satisfied in which case there is no point worrying.

I only had my maternal Gran and I used to pop over to see her after school on my own (Junior School) as she only lived across the playing fields. My Mum spent a lot time at Gran's house so we would be there at weekends too. When Mum was ill Gran came to live with us for almost two years so perhaps we were closer than many grandchildren get to be. I have always babysat for my Daughter and, as both her and ex son in law worked shifts I often had my GC stay overnight, sometimes dropping them off to their other GP's in the morning before I went to work. Once my daughter became a single parent and got a move nearer our own family I moved in with them (live in the annex) and have run the house for the past three years so see GC on a daily basis. I do sometimes envy GP's who see less of their GC as their GC seem to view trips as a treat and GP's get to spoil them (whereas I have to keep to the rules otherwise there would be anarchy here!).

I'm another who would love to see more of her GC. Two live about 50 miles away and I try to see them about every six weeks and the other 3 live about 3 hours away, I see them about 5/6 times a year.
I would adore seeing them every week and being a bigger part of their lives.

Jaycee, isn't "hello stranger" just a jokey friendly greeting? I have never thought of it as something you use to guilt-trip someone!

My kids would see my parents every school holiday so every 6/8 weeks, his parents every big holiday, so half as often. (Distances 60-120 miles)
I see pre-school granddaughter for one day every week because I look after her. Her other grandmother sees her at least one afternoon a week. She stays with one of us one night every week. (Distances between 20 and 60 miles.)

The difficulty here is coming up with a solution that suits you Febmum and doesn't offend or hurt your MIL!

Would it be possible to explain the situation to her, as you have explained it to us?

To me it sounds like you really do not want to hurt her, but don't really see how you can combine having time alone as a family with the natural desire to see all your friends and family.

Different families- different ideas.
I see 3 of mine at least once a week as I do the Friday school pick-up. Not that my DiL works but I just do it so I get to spend some quality time with them at least once a week. They also stay over with us at weekends quite a lot as DS & DiL have a very hectic social life.
I don't see the older 3 so often now as they no longer need picking up from school or really need to stay when parents go out as they are older but they do still come quite a but as they enjoy it & like my cooking!
We have always made sure they know we will have the GC if they need us to & the children love coming so it s a triple win.
I suggest you arrange some social events & ask for babysitting services. It would be a win/win then.

My mother complained that I didn’t take the train for a two hour journey with the children more often than once a month, in spite of both of them having a medical condition and frequently not well enough for the journey. Then she did the “hello stranger” to the grandchildren when they were teens, and yes, definitely guilt tripping. She wasn’t satisfied with an hour or two either and sulked and made sure they knew she was resentful. The result was that they visited less and less and my siblings and I had to issue three line whips to get them to attend family get-togethers.

I see one of my grandchildren every day, two of them every other weekend and three of them I haven’t seen for four years as neither my DD nor I are fit enough to cope with a long journey involving three planes and a day and a half travelling. There is no right or wrong but grandparents like the OP’s MIL should be wary of manipulation tactics.

Whatever suits both sides. I saw my grandparents most day. I see my grandchildren at least once a week. I'm fortunate in that they don't live too far away

I see mine as much as possible I am working full time and but I often get off the train to see them before bed time. I am a teacher so get half terms and holidays off so have them for most of that time. I have a close relationship with mine but I only do what I know my DDs are comfortable with they have their own lives and their friends and I respect that. One of my daughter has just had a baby boy a so I am seeing her a lot more than I was when she only had one, as she need needs a lot of support.
Do what suits you it doesnt sound to me if you are excluding her . Don't be pressured, relationships evolved they dont have schedules and time tables.

I see an awful lot of one set of DGC because I am relied upon for child care. The other set I see much less, but it suits everyone, and there is all the love in the world for all of the grand babies.
It doesn’t matter how often you meet up so long as the arrangements are agreed upon and the children are happy.

What does your husband think? Does he feel it is enough? If you're both in agreement, then no problem with your current situation. Sending photos seems like an ideal way to bridge the gap your MIL thinks is there but if she becomes too demanding, it is surely up to your DH to tell her that you are both happy with the arrangement and to back off.

When we lived in the same area as our GC we saw some of them every day - they lived right next door to us. But then we chose to move out of the city and are now over 100 miles away. We now see them 3 or 4 times a year in school holiday periods. The difference is they come to stay for a few days or a week so we have longer quality time with them. They are always thrilled to see us, there is no shyness between us, and we have great relationships with all of them. Although their parents have to make long journeys to get to us once they are here they too can relax and unwind for a few days. It works well for all of us, and we will make the most of it while they are young and want to come. When they are older they will want to spend more time with their own friends and interests, but I hope we will have developed a love and closeness that will bridge the geographical distance and continue into their adulthood.

Well all of mine live miles away -some I see avery few weeks and others about 3 times a year if I'm lucky. And I get on well with all the families but they have their own lives and so do we!! Once a week sounds quite a lot to me!!

Thank you everyone for your comments, it is really helpful to hear your conversations about it. When I see her she says the hello stranger line too and how our son doesn't know her or how he's changed and it's upsetting she doesn't see him more! Good to know that we see her an average amount / more than alot of people. As alot of you have said it is all based on relationships and individuals. We were not close before the baby was born, even during pregnancy when I was very ill and needed help and support, if we were closer I might have seen her for the day while husband was at work now? When we do visit she always comments how often my mum has held the baby that week so she can get the same amount/more and last week she came to our house uninvited a few times while husband was at work as well as her weekly visit. My husband has told her to message before she visits me but she said her friends dont have to message first with their DILs.

All depends on geography doesn't it? I see the youngest great grand-child three days a week as I look after her while her mother works. Three grandchildren and three great grandchildren in New Zealand I hardly see at all. Most of the others I see in school holidays. This is not an issue with hard and fast rules but grandparents should not be demanding. Just be on hand if needed.

@icanhandthemback He sometimes says he wishes it was less but he doesn't know how long she has left so feels like he has to... Very morbid I think but I have a lot younger mum so can't really understand how he feels!

You have the balance right.I am a Grandparent and I would be absolutely DELIGHTED if I saw my Grandchildren every week. Your Mum and Mum in law are lucky people.

I’d love to see more of my DGC but I’m one side of the country and they are all on the other. I visit by train for a long weekend, usually staying with my son and DiL (and get thoroughly spoiled ?) and go every three or four months. The train journey, with one change at Birmingham New Street takes nearly four hours, by car it would take three to three and a half, so not a lot in it and no RTAs, Road Rage incidents or traffic jams to worry about.

Well, Febmummaofaboy, as your husband would really like less but feels duty bound to at least keep the status quo, you have your answer. I suggest you keep it as it is and let the negative comments go over the top of your head. I suspect that she knows full well she is guilt tripping you and will continue to do so if she gets a reaction. Perhaps your son should respond in the same way that parents do with children who claim every body else is allowed! It will train him for the future with his own child for when he has to say, "I don't care about other children, I only care about you!" I bet the other GPs let their offspring know without being asked, it is only a common courtesy.
It sounds like your MIL might be used to be getting her own way by manipulation and challenging her will cause a ruckus so just keep on doing what you're doing and enjoy your family.

No rules really. My DC saw my parents almost everyday, as they lived very close and I wanted to see my mum. We were a very close family. MIL saw them a couple of times a week. At least once from us visiting - a proper formal visit with food at the table, and she would 'pop' in once or twice after they finished school. Visits to my mums were much less formal. A cup of tea, cake or biscuits and a half hour chat then home - but these were for me rather than the kids. MIL hated it, so we always had to appease her. But she got every Christmas, and I do mean every Christmas, and still does. Ifound the help and support from both my DM and MIL invaluable.

Wow , I wouldn't dream of calling in without contacting my DiL first to see if its ok!!! Same applies to my DD. I do see DiL and children on their own when my son is at work and get on well with her but wouldn't want to take advantage!
I do feel that my DiLs parents see them all a lot more than we do (they live closer) but try not to say anything or let it get to me. There's no point in falling out and they are very welcoming when we do visit.
Difficult to see what you can do other than what you are doing and trying to exain as you have done to us. I think you are being very fair.
You could show her this thread?! On second thoughts, perhaps not it could make matters worse!
Jusg carry on seeing them once a week (once a week is loads!) And keep being friendly.