Moody grand-daughter

I am in a similar situation to Yogagirl, in my case I haven't seen my grand daughter (36) or great grand daughter (now 6) for four years, owing to tactlessness on my side, which I tried to apologies for but my apology wasn't accepted, so Rolande, although you are hurting from your recent bereavement turn the other cheek before things get worse.

RedheadMommy - good for you for joining in if you are dyslectic , it must be difficult for you.

Harrigran for goodness sake grammar and spelling is totally irrelevant to this conversation. We all knew what she meant. Her communication skills were perfectly adequate for this forum.

I was moody as a child. I was also desperately unhappy and I believe that I was fairly young when I first suffered from depression. I would just be told off for it which made me more unhappy and more lonely.
Her parents may not be dealing with it in the best way but it is not necessarily manipulation on her part.

Gosh, what a lot going on.

So sorry that you have recently lost your husband. Presumably he was also dad and granddad to your daughter and dgd? So everyone grieving and possibly lots of unhappiness?

I adored my grandmother, who died when I was 34 ... and she NEVER criticised or chastised me in front of anyone and certainly not in front of my parents. I remember her as always being lovely, realistic and understanding, and I was a VERY silly and sulky teenager.

I do hope that you put this behind you and that family harmony is restored soon ?

FlorenceFlower I wish there was a like button on here for that

I think you are entitled to a bit of respect in your own home TBH. Grandma's house-Grandma's rules.
I also have a very difficult GD who has been a proper little madam since she arrived. Now 9 going on 35 & she can be very difficult. As I have them to stay ( a lot!!) when parents not here I make the rules but now she has started texting her mum if I tell her to do something she doesn't want to do- like go to bed at a reasonable time ( & I really do give her a lot of leeway but I don't think a 9 year old should stay up as late as her 13 year old brother. There have to be some advantages to being the eldest)
To give DiL her due she doesn't get involved but it is such a sneaky thing to do. I confiscate all phones at bedtime now having found her still awake when I went to bed 'chatting' to her friends. TBH I don't see why a 9 year old needs a phone but hey! not my decision or problem -although her brothers had to wait until they started secondary school & were coming home by themselves.
IMHO I think you are entitled to make the rules in your own home & a bit of respect never hurt anyone- I'd never have got away with it & I doubt many of 'our age group' would have done.

Teenagers, especially girls, I think most annoying, loveable, moody little whatsits.
Just go with the flow, she will get better.
Give her a hug next time you see her or a phone call.

IngeJones ! "Destined not to like her"! I adore this child. Just this trait of personality I have a hard time with. Perhaps I have overreacted. All I know is I cant stop crying. It's hard not to have my husband point of view on all this, I feel very alone right now

Perhaps talk to her parents separately rather than tell your GD off directly - they're her parents, you overrode them which is bound not to have gone well...

Whilst I would agree that grandparents should not generally criticise their children's parenting, I think that in this case there is an exception. The rude behaviour happened in Rolande's home and Rolande is grieving, having recently been bereaved.
The grand-daughter's parents, I feel, are at fault here. They should have been sensitive to Rolande's feelings.

13 year olds are a nightmare. You are in the right but, without the wholehearted backing of the child's mother, which looks unlikely, you are not going to get an apology. Let it go. A few years down the line your granddaughter will have changed into another person.

My son at the age of 13 did and said things which should have seen him locked up! He's 28 now and a nicer chap you couldn't meet. He has never apologised in so many words for the unhappiness he caused his DF and I but has made it clear in other ways that he loves us and is sorry.

Try and laugh and make a joke of her behaviour. Download Pinterest, type in " moody teenagers" and you will find some hilarious quotes. I send them to my moody teenager and it even makes her laugh ! But I do agree that it's unacceptable in certain circumstances and it's wrong to not speak up and enable the rudeness to continue. No one can go thro life with that attitude, and manners and civility should be taught at home.

Rolande.
You are in grief and may I say feeling vulnerable over the loss of DH.You have lost the one person who may have supported you when it comes to the right approach in dealing with a moody teenager.
This episode if left to fester could cause a rift between SIl and DD.
Can you not apologise to your family ,it is their child not yours and teenagers can be moody as many of us will have experienced.
After all your daughter did phone you, not you her, which shows she does not want a rift between you over a moody teenager.
Bite the bit next time you visit them or they visit you no matter what your feelings are.

Let the parents do the telling off - its their problem - grannies just need to be tolerant and accepting and keep on loving - even though its difficult Having said that i have snapped at the grandchildren but have apologised swiftly and explained the reason that has made me cross - this usually works and harmony is restored.
p.s. ( so sorry for your loss)

Rolande - I am sorry for your loss.

The last thing you need at the moment is a family rift.

I am very clear that telling parents how to parent their own children is entirely wrong in principle, and I would have been jolly cross is my parents or in-laws had done so. So I do not think you should do this; and it might help things if you apologised and said that you were out of order and that you respect their right as grown adults to make their own decisions about how they deal with their own children.

A few weeks ago we had a 12 year old GD here with all the erst of the family and she sat and sulked in the car for most of the time. When she did appear we said nothing and just drew her into what was going on with no comment at all. No-one got angry with her, as this is not appropriate - girls of that age have a lot to deal with and small things can flick their switch - it is not their fault.

Ignoring this is not "pandering to her", but trying to understand what is going on in her life. She then gets the message that what she is doing is not worth comment, but she also needs to know that she is loved unconditionally. I hope that was the message my DGD got from us.

Her parents were also wise enough to ignore what was happening - trying to jolly a teenager along when they are in this mood is a lost cause; and it looks as though her parents knew that.

I really do think you should let them make their own decisions - you need your family at the moment.

Perhaps an apology both ways would set a good example, surely it would be perfectly ok if youiGranddaughter said sorry for being moody, & you could say you are sorry for being cross but that it was because you didn't understand why she seemed moody, & that you will listen to her if she has a problem which would be much nicer for both of you.

I think the chances of a teenage GD being persuaded to apologise for being moody is a bit of a lost cause! And it would simply resurrect something that would have best been ignored in the first place! - and accord it an importance that it does not deserve. Asking a teenager to apologise for being moody is a bit like asking an 80 year old to apologise for having grey hair!

It is water under the bridge; and the OP simply needs to make her peace with the adults whom she has upset by interfering with how they deal with their own child.

I know that my DGD of a similar age is struggling with her periods - they have been a bit troublesome and she is feeling down at the prospect of having to deal with this every month - I have a certain sympathy with that! he will be touchy and moody, and that is simply how it is. If we were to create a family row every time she was moody, we would do very little else. I take my lead from her parents as to how this is dealt with; as with every other issue with their children.

She's definitely and she and not a he!

My grandson is very moody but improving as he gets further into his teens (he is 14), but now my almost 11 year granddaughter has started as well! All I can say it that it does pass - there is a lot of pressure on children today, they are teased and tormented at school and in peer groups if they don't fit in and/or have the latest 'must have' item, they have to master using computers for school and homework too and I think expectations are generally greater for their future, which only adds to the pressure. Add to that the fact that she may not only be missing her grandfather but also upset that you are hurting from his loss and I think you can see that, perhaps, acting out in this way is her way of dealing with things. My advice would be to not take it to heart (I'd be living in the Artic if I had walked a mile for every mile my grandson has told me to go away when he's having a hissy fit ), keep a sense of humour about it if you can, it will pass and she may well turn out to be a loving and caring granddaughter again at the end of it. No parent likes being told that their child is misbehaving, you had your say and I think your DD is right that you should now let it go now. Your own feelings are going to be more sensitive because of the short time since the loss of your DH

every time not every mile (sigh) I am sure it didn't look like that in the edit bit!

Well, if this had happened to me in MY house I would have reacted the same. I have no time for tantrums, never have.

I told my niece off (she's in her twenties!!) about the way she behaved towards me and she went crying to my brother and SIL who decided not to speak to me for a year.

I am now spoken to by all three, and at least she has some respect as she knows I will not tolerate bad behavior whatever the age. I didn't get an apology, it seems this is something that people just know how to do these days so I never push that one and just accept it is what it is.

If nothing is said then how can people understand their behaviour is upsetting? That's me anyway

This is a young teenager who knows perfectly well that her behaviour is unacceptable; not an adult deliberately flouting the conventions. She does not need to be told off - least of all by someone who is not her parent! She needs to be ignored until she comes round.

Your brother and sis-IL did not speak to you for a year - the OP needs this scenario with her family like a hole in the head at the moment!

I agree blue60, they will never learn to cope with problems in life , if they can't have the manners to apologise & to accept an apology back from their nearest & dearest. Surely it is a good lesson in how to navigate grown up life. We have to ask ourselves why is this a relatively new pattern of behaviour in some of our youngsters, me thinks a lot are pandered to, sometimes to make up for a lack of time spent with their adults.

I do not agree with this assessment at all. I am filled with admiration at how my DDs and all their friends are rising to the challenge of parenthood. They sometimes do it different from how I did; and I do not always agree with their decisions - but I do respect them. How can we expect them to respect us if we do not respect them and give them credit for knowing their own children better than we do?

Really, which ever side of the fence you fall on, a big fuss and bad feeling wont help.
If she grab troubled, hormonal teen it will make her feel worse. If she is an attention seeking sulker, then a fuss will suit her just fine. Best to ignore - No audience, no show.