Help with DIL

No, you weren't wrong, but I have been given a glass in a restaurant with someone else's lipstick on it
My SisIL used to laugh at DB because he used to scrub the bath before he would get into it, even though she said she had cleaned it anyway.

I do not live with him that is very wise

My MIL used to come to our house and wash up in a little puddle of water in the bowl even though we had a dishwasher. She also hovered around me in the kitchen when I was cooking/dishing up and pinching little bits of fat etc from the meat. DH used to rescue me by taking her into another room and offering her a sherry.
I was very fond of her, though!

Felice Your a saint

Riverwalk - thanks for your encouragement!

And you make a good point about the distance. I hadn't thought of it that way but you're right. Her own family, many of whom live near her, do 'drop in' a lot on them as it is. Our family has always been careful to give each other privacy even in the cramped living conditions we had when the children were small. I guess that's why I'm not sure what they will expect. I think she (only occasionally because her family are very nice people) finds their comings and goings a bit hectic. Well at least we won't be "on top of them"! As you say, I'll leave it to them to let us know when it's convenient to visit.

Thanks again, you cheered me up!

Imo, DIL changed because you and dh changed, grandmaeurope. Before her pregnancy, you found her "charming' and "gracious" and she probably felt the same about you and dh. But then you people bombarded her with texts when she wasn't feeling up to talking. Most likely, you were just worried, but she may have seen this as your caring more about your own feelings than hers. That changed the whole dynamic between you.

Condelle's husband, I don't think this is the place for a joke. The op is truly concerned and trying to figure out how to improve her relationship with dil. Also, I know what you mean about dms and their dds having more in common in their childcare styles than mils and dils. But it's not just about that. It's also about differences between the generations, and it happens between dm and dd too. Co-sleeping with little ones, for example, is very popular today. My dd wasn't into it, but some of her friends were. Times change, new ideas come into play and we gps can't expect or push the young parents to do things the way we did.

So it's weekly contact instead of daily, grandmaeurope and still ds doesn't always answer? Weekly seems fine to me, but maybe it's too much for him? Obviously, he's very busy, particularly now that he's a dad. About how often does he actually reply? Every other week? Once a month? Maybe cut back your efforts to contact him to that number and see if it doesn't get better? Who knows, perhaps he'll even get nervous and contact you first?

Grandma, Idk if you're still reading but you asked how to go about apologizing. I wouldn't try to contact dil now because she won't realize it's an apology and may just toss any card or letter you send without reading. But I wouldn't wait till the visit, as I think that might be "too late." I would make the apology to ds first - short and sweet - just apologize for "pushing" or "being overbearing" or however you want to put it and ask him if it's ok to write a note to dil saying same. Go ahead if he says "yes," but if he says "no," then wait to see her in person. That's my advice.

And, no, don't just go ahead and "do the washing up" for your dil in her home! Don't do her laundry when she stays in yours either. Don't do anything without ASKING first, "Would it be helpful if I...?" I know from personal experience (my mil) how irritating "help" can be if it's not wanted.

Oh and also, it dil says "no thank you" or even just "no," please accept it and move on. Everyone will get on much better this way, I assure you.

I can quite understand the remark about not knowing how to behave! Some posters have objected to MiL washing up, folding clothes etc, but mine drove me up th wall folllowing me round asking what to do. I I said 'please Lay the table' shed ask what knives and fools, where to out them etc. It drove me mad. My mum in contrast just got on with things - id find washing up done and ironing done and was so H grateful Everyone is different!

Why on earth would you put an orange in your grandchilds mouth. Why would you say you want to see your grandchild without your daughter law interfering. Seems to me that you're very over-baring.

OP you really do need to back off.

Seeing 4 week old DGGD for only the second time and enjoying cuddling and feeding her, I was shocked to hear myself saying 'Hello, my baby' ?. None commented, it's highly possible no one heard but I made a vow not to say anything so possessive again!
As I was a single mother 50 years ago, my own DM used to say 'When WE had Lucy' meaning when I, her daughter, had Lucy! (not her name) I silently fumed but never challenged her. She and DF were doing so much for me that I managed to grin and bear it! More grit teeth and bear it really! A couple of decades on my DD 'Lucy' would say warningly 'MY child' if I overstepped the mark with my advice and opinions! DGD now just calmly explains to me her way of doing things and I acknowledge that things have moved on now.

No, you're not wrong, felice. But there's no guarantee so will listen.

Elrel, what an interesting outline of the differences from one generation to the next!

No wonder tge son sometimes doesnt answer back That poor couple must wish they lived on mars

Teddy 123 believe me my MIL was exactly like this.She never forgave me for marrying her 32 year old don She thought hed stay with her forever I was 20 When i met him

ilovecheese thank you for your kind words!

I am genuinely fond of her, and she and my son are very happy together, so I'm hoping it will be fine. I just feel completely inadequate compared to her own mother who lives near her and who seems so much more together than I am! I just muddled through motherhood, making it up as I went along, whereas some people just seem more naturally "good" mothers. On the other hand, my son turned out to be one of the nicest people I know, so maybe I wasn't such a disaster as I sometimes felt!

You'd think after all these years on this earth I'd have more self confidence.

Dear grandmaeurope,I hope things work out for you. Like others have suggested maybe a little note sent to your son and DIL.You did all get on and maybe because this new baby is so precious everyone is trying too hard and your DIL is probably feeling quite overwhelmed and emotional.
I think it is quite awful how people have been very harsh in their responses.
You came here for advice and support not judgement and criticism.
You clearly want to put things right and asked for help on here where you so badly wanted relationships to be harmonious.
I wish you the very best.

If you are going to apologize, then do it genuinely. Don't apologize for upsetting her. Apologize for your bad behavior and the exact poor actions you took that ruined the relationship. Take accountability and then give her space to decide what she wants.

Also, most pediatricians nowadays say no citrus before 1 year old as more and more babies are allergic to it. If you do see them again, you should be asking for permission before feeding someone else's child anything. And don't get pissy if they say no- that's their decision as the parents.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions; one man's meat is another man's poison; do as you would be done by.....

The problem is that as none of us are mind readers we WILL get things wrongs even when genuinely trying to do good. A sincere apology and the ability to both really listen and know when to back off are useful skills.

Oh my greatness! You are my MIL. I spoke firmly but nicely on many occas ion about my privacy, space and the way I do things for my family. It all went unheard. So I literally had to become a cold person towards her. It was simple. Respect my boundaries and I will be welcoming of you. It was too hard to comprehend. Today, I'm fair with little visits bi weekly but time spent in her company is drastically reduced. All because of a lack of respect.

Maybe you should do some research regarding breastfeeding and co-sleeping because it seems rather alien to you. You show a complete lack of respect for her choices - these days there is a lot more information around about everything and it's possible to make more informed choices than just doing what everybody else does or what the health visitor tells you to do. I am sure that if you read gransnet you will understand that it is very important in the mil relationship to "Back off" and not interfere. Your dil is a woman and mother in HER own right, think about behaving a little more graciously towards her!

Sorry but I fully support your son and DIL. The baby is theirs not yours and you don't seem to understand parenting at all. Of course the baby was always breast feeding because that is how the baby increases her supply. Breast milk is absorbed more quickly than formula so babies need fed more frequently! Co-sleeping is very common nowadays especially if you are breast feeding! Who on earth would put an orange in a baby's mouth at 3 months ever! Were you trying to make the baby choke? Weaning is not recommended till 6 months now unless the baby is premature and you start with pureed fruit and veg! as for all the texts! Not going to say any more except glad you are not my daughter's MIL!

So, i had a talk with my son and told him i feel like DIL was backing off our relationship and i want to apologize to her this summer face to face.

He was surprised and just said that the post partum time was difficult for her. He told me stuff she is angry about that i don't remember.
I felt like he was talking about other people. I am just shocked.
All those things happened when they stayed at our home after the birth. I wrote it down because it was too much and most of those things i don't remember.

Some of those things :
- i invited people 7 days after my grandaughter's birth to visit without asking her,
- i made allusions about how she was breastfeeding a lot and maybe that's why the baby had colics. She apparently cried about it,
- i asked about her weight just after delivery (don't remember),
- i walked away with the baby in my arms when the baby was crying and she had to chase me (don't remember this specific event but the baby used to cry for her mother when she smeled the smell of milk, i was just probably trying to get her away off the smell, so away from her mother. Not my best move but it happen once),
- one morning she woke up with the baby and i "harassed her" to go back to bed and leave me the baby (don't remember),
- she was giving a bath to the baby and my husband started to take photos. She asked him to stop and he just argued that he did this for his son. (Was not there),
- my husband pushed her aside and she almost fell. He apparently wanted to take a photo of the baby and the mother of my DIL who was visiting, and she was on the way. (I was not there),
- At the hospital, my husband kept taking photos with the flash. She asked him to stop but he would not,
- almost every morning, she opened the door of her room and found my husband waiting behind the door. He apparently said multiple times "i just heard the baby",
- my husband mocked breastfeeding (don't remember), and asked 4 times when she will stop breastfeeding,
- we would not give her space physically in order to touch the baby,
- my husband apparently touched accidently her boobs as he wanted to touch the baby (did not see it),
- Once she was gone to the shower and left the baby with us. She came back and found my husband with the baby at the window, showing the baby to the neighboors. She screamed at him to back of the window (he was firmly holding the baby but she freaked out).
- Apparently at Christmas i never said hi or good-bye to her and i would just " jump on the baby". Don't remember !

All this sound surreal. But it is my life. We made a lot of errors due to excitement. We though we would never be grand parents.
Now i don't know if the relationship is salvable. My son told me to give them time.
The conversation was in french so excuse me for translation errors.
And for people who do not believe me : i don't care.

Now i will just want july to see them in person.

Oh and according to my son, DIL keeps a record of our "offenses" in writing.

- i invited people 7 days after my grandaughter's birth to visit without asking her, WHY on earth would you do invite people to visit another persons home?
- i made allusions about how she was breastfeeding a lot and maybe that's why the baby had colics. She apparently cried about it, WHY would you say that?
- i asked about her weight just after delivery (don't remember), WHY?
- i walked away with the baby in my arms when the baby was crying and she had to chase me (don't remember this specific event but the baby used to cry for her mother when she smeled the smell of milk, i was just probably trying to get her away off the smell, so away from her mother. Not my best move but it happen once), WHY would you take her baby from her?
- one morning she woke up with the baby and i "harassed her" to go back to bed and leave me the baby (don't remember), Terrible
- she was giving a bath to the baby and my husband started to take photos. She asked him to stop and he just argued that he did this for his son. (Was not there), He argued with her about HER baby?
- my husband pushed her aside and she almost fell. He apparently wanted to take a photo of the baby and the mother of my DIL who was visiting, and she was on the way. (I was not there), Again, why?
- At the hospital, my husband kept taking photos with the flash. She asked him to stop but he would not, He is much of the problem, here.
- almost every morning, she opened the door of her room and found my husband waiting behind the door. He apparently said multiple times "i just heard the baby", He stalked the baby?
- my husband mocked breastfeeding (don't remember), and asked 4 times when she will stop breastfeeding, WHY?
- we would not give her space physically in order to touch the baby, He was in her space?
- my husband apparently touched accidently her boobs as he wanted to touch the baby (did not see it), he was way too close if he could manage to touch her body, accidentally
- Once she was gone to the shower and left the baby with us. She came back and found my husband with the baby at the window, showing the baby to the neighbors. She screamed at him to back of the window (he was firmly holding the baby but she freaked out). Again, WHY was he doing this?
- Apparently at Christmas i never said hi or good-bye to her and i would just " jump on the baby". Don't remember ! Dear me, what a list, no digging out of this list, in my opinion

Do you not see why someone might have an issue with your behaviour? I don't think this can be blamed on post partum depression- this is because you and your husband have behaved badly. I would be surprised if she visits in July. Going forward, if you would like to maintain a relationship with her, I'd apologise and ensure that you both act appropriately going forward. This means letting her take care of her baby (including feeding) as she and your son see fit, not making personal comments about her appearance etc. She is a human being, not just an incubator for your grandchild. Hopefully the situation can improve but I think you have to understand that you have not behaved appropriately in order to see how to rectify this. I am not getting a sense of this from your post (it may be lost in translation).

Oh dear, I had sincerely hoped this was a wind up as nobody could be quite as insensitive, crass or unaware of how to behave.
I am at a loss as to what to say as there is nothing you can do to undo this litany of disasters - of your making alas. Cultural differences can explain a lot, but this was an object lesson in how not to act and a disaster from beginning to end.
Apologise unreservedly, back off and reflect on how you might behave in future. You can't undo the past, but you can try to get it right in future.
You say you found some replies "harsh"? I wonder, did you really think you were in the right? If so there is little we can say except you were wrong in just about everything.