court update

It seems you've already begun court proceedings, Tracy. Unless you plan and are able to stop them, you may need to check with your attorney before even thinking about contacting DIL. I don't know, but it may not be "allowed," at this point, or legally advised.

I understand that you feel the need to try to see your grands. And if you can prove that you were "close," it might help your case. I don't know since, of course, I don't know the laws where you are. But the fact that your DS/the dad seems to agree with DIL probably won't help you out. So I'm glad you realize it's not a "sure thing."

I'm not sure how you know they've all turned against you cuz of your ex if you don't know what your ex is saying. But my heart aches for you and I hope there is some resolution soon.

Just want to add that letting DIL know you're serving her with papers is only likely to anger her a little sooner. I doubt you can persuade her that you're "trying to do the right thing" if you're telling her you're taking her to court.

Also, as someone else said, that might just alert her and give her a head start in fighting you, either by letting you have some visits to negate your case or whatever else. If you wanted to get together with her to find out what you could change, if anything, to regain access to your GC, fine. But that's something that should have been done, if you wanted, before you opened a court case. But to give her a headsup that you're taking her to court? No. I don't think so.

I am presuming that the court case is now over, looking at the dates here.

Using the law is is a money pit. Even if the court decides in tracy's favour, this will not stop the DIL turning the GS against her and creating a situation where the GS says he does not want to see her.

People cannot be forced to change their feelings.

It is a truly sad situation.

Courts don't work that quick Luckygirl they take many, many months, if not years!

True, Yoga, but Tracy said the papers would be served "in two weeks time" and I realize now. And so, Luckygirl is right in so far as those papers must have been served already. Sorry I didn't notice the date earlier.

What happened, Tracy? Were the papers served? Has there been any reaction? Have you actually been to court yet?

I agree with Yoga that the case may take months to resolve. But can you tell us how it's going?

Just been reading the OP and I'm a bit confused. If you don't know what your ex and his wife have said to your daughter-in-law, how do you know they have told her lies? Has she told you that you can't see your grandchild because of what ex has said to her about you?

From when the papers are served, it can take many months, if not years. Serving the papers is the very first step in the court procedures. I've been there, so I know first hand.

You don't have to know what's been said, to know you are being lied about. The lies were coming thick and fast from my s.i.l & his mother [not related to my precious GD, just cruel stepfamily], they then dragged in my ex of 20yrs, my C father that walked out & left us in a foreign country when my now estD was just 3yrs, lies coming thick & fast from him too, I don't know all the lies, but there they are anyway!!

Ok, Yoga, and I'm not doubting what you're saying. But how does one figure out that it's cuz of lies and who's telling them?

Because it's obvious, sometimes you have to work it out, like the black hole and the Bermuda triangle, somethings cannot be equated, but are true non the less. I don't doubt Tracyb

Ok, thanks Yoga!

I really feel for you. I'm going through a similar situation. Up until last year, after my gallbladder surgery, I was a primary caregiver during my son's visitation times and even though my granddaughter only lives three blocks from me, I rarely see her and I don't want her to believe that it's because I don't want to see her. Every time she's here, she's crying when she leaves because she never knows when she will get to come back. I feel he's gotten some input from my ex husband and his new wife, even though we've been divorced for 20 years. I've had my fill. Believe me! I understand!

Thanks for sharing your story Fedup Treasure the times you do get to see your GD, when she's bigger, she will be able to visit on her own

Hi Tracy, I totally sympathise with you and your situation. I too have been shut out by my daughter who wants no contact with me and has banned me from going to her house to see her and my 3 young GKs. It has been an ongoing issue for many years since I separated from her dad 15 yrs ago and she has rebelled against me and then became pregnant while living with him 10 years ago. She has also blamed me for an abortion she had previously at age 17. She is loyal tk my mum, sister and ex who all stick together and have also disowned me, because I have started a new life and a rift has evolved due to their continuing affiliation with my ex. This all came to a head last May and I was upset when I found out my DD had been with my sister & mother without telling me - I then told her why I left her dad - that my sister and ex used to play games at my expense - flirting etc as they had intercourse in early days if our relationship. I am seriously considering the legal route like yourself but have heard that cost can run into 1000s - are you in UK or US?

Does going the legal route ever work? Are there any examples?

Sorry to hear your sad story Newlife many of us have very similar situations.

Jane10 I went to court and really regret it, if I'd have known then what I know now, I wouldn't have gone down that road. The only way is to keep quiet and hope the storm will pass. My s.i.l is a narsistic paranoid schizophrenic, due to his drug abuse, his mother is an alcoholic, they have the same severe personality disorders, largest part of that being pathological lying, so I had no chance in the courts! They are step family to my precious GD. My GD & I had a very special & loving bond, as my D&GD lived with me before nasty came along, made no difference in the courts.

Didn't actually get to the final court hearing, as it was thrown out, all the lies and deceit from my GD stepdad & his mother were believed. I had done & said nothing wrong, my only crime was to love them with all of my heart and soul, so I had to go, along with my other ND & the rest of my D birth family. Haven't seen them now for 3.5yrs & they live just 5mins down the rd. So I would advise not to go to court!

As you say Tracy, even if you got the visitation order, they will make every excuse under the sun not to turn up for the visits, which are held in a family centre. You would then have to go back to court and start all over again. I had to go 3 times, first one they didn't show, second they contested, third it was thrown out, so didn't get my permission to go to the main court house for the visitation order. I was told before I went to court " don't worry, the Judge will see right through the lies, they deal with people like this every day"

Tracy the court hearing is nothing like you think it will be. You are not allowed to talk until the Judge says you can, so you have to sit and listen to lie after lie and cannot say anything, the hearing moves on without you being able to say " that's a lie!" It's very hard! I did all the paperwork myself, but when it comes to the court hearing, you most definitely need a lawyer, as they 'talk the talk' It was 7mths from serving the papers to the court hearing, so their argument was that my GC didn't know me anymore!
When they said that it tore me apart! If it hadn't been for my niceD 30th celebration party that evening, I think I would have gone home and gassed myself, it was torture going to my ND b/day celebration, the photos tell my pain!

Has anyone been successful in regaining contact with their GC?

Newlife and Jane, I haven't been in this situation, but I've heard of a few cases where GPs were awarded visitation. Only a few though, And it's hard to enforce, from what I understand, as others have said.

But I've also heard of GPs regaining contact with their GC outside of court - by repairing the relationship with the younger parents. But I take it, newlife, you feel your situation is past that point.

And I've also heard of GC seeking out their estranged GPs when they're adults or maybe even old enough to drive and visit on their own. It may seem like a long wait. But if it happens, the reunions are often joyful. Even kids who never got a chance to get to know their GC, sometimes seek them out, due to curiosity.

Some GPs, I know, keep a FB account open in the hopes that their GC will "find" them (again) that way someday. This is tricky - if you initiate contact and the parents find out, they might shut down his/her account. And even if he/she contacts you first, if still a minor/living at home/etc., it could lead to trouble But eventually, as adults, they may get in touch again.

Or not. I don't want to raise false hopes. It's just another possibility.

Hi all just an update - first court date is in April. We are going to represent ourselves but does anyone have experience of this and would you recommend having a McKenzie friend to help in court? What I need to prepare myself for and be strong is all the nastiness that may come out especially if my ex husband gets involved. Will the court be interested in what happened 20 odd years ago do you think? I cannot imagine what I have supposed to have done. I just want to see my grandson and hate all this nastiness.

Yes live in UK. Its so hard to know what to do for best

Yogagirl - did you get access in the end? We are considering a McKenzie friend as cannot afford solicitor.

I would definitely have a McKenzie friend to help you. Good luck. I hope it all gets sorted to be beneficial all round. Try not to worry about what might or might not happen. Keep your sights on the end game.

Tracy get all the help you can, so yes to the McKenzie friend, but a lawyer would be money well spent. I didn't have a lawyer and didn't get permission to go to the main court to request the visitation order, I went to court 3 times, first; they didn't show, second; they contested, third; it was thrown out. I had a very special bond with my GD, as she lived with me before nasty came into the picture, I chose my GD name and her second & last name were mine, my only names, my GD stepdad even changed her name! But I still didn't get the permission needed to go to the main court to request the visitation order! I think the judge was a childless women, no empathy what-so-ever, she believed all the lies and deceit!

The deceitful, lying, manipulative people are the ones that win in court, the quiet, good folk don't! It all hinges on the Judge, I had three, the first two were very sympathetic, the first one phoned them, all their numbers, when they didn't show up for the hearing; no answers, she then sent a bailiff round with a summons for the next hearing. At the next hearing nasty s.i.l said he didn't know about the court case, but I pointed out he did, as it was on court recorders, that he phoned the courts before hand and asked if he needed to be there! If I'd have had the first two Judges, I think it would have gone through.

I would still advise not going to court, it will enflame the situation even more, your d.i.l will then be in a fight with you and her being the child's mother, she will win. If you did get the visitation order, she will sabotage it; ^ he's sick, he's on a school outing, he doesn't want to come^ You would than have to go back to court and start all over again. If I could turn the clock back I wouldn't go down that road, all the bridges are now burnt and I haven't seen my precious GC&D in 3.5yrs!

I think the only way is to win her over. Good luck

Why don't the courts recognise the importance of grandparents in a child's life? I remember mine like it was yesterday. My dil has stopped my mum and dad seeing grandson as well and they have done nothing. As my son is still in Dubai and rarely sees his son I feel it is even more important to keep contact. What worries me now is all the hurt and nastiness that will be thrown and I am only concerned with my grandson. My dil will not talk - she has always been very stubborn so I have little choice but to carry this on or sit back and wait 15 years for him to come and find us but that may not happen if he forgets us.
I have to stand up and hear what picture has been painted of me and that will be so hard. But I have already lost my son and daughter to my ex and have never seen my daughters 2 boys. This hurts so much and doing the right thing is even harder.