I need to let of steam!

shysal so glad he had a brilliant time,..referring to another thread re the Genie I now know what I would want peace and happiness for our kids who just want to be accepted for WHO they are,I would hate to grow up in todays world,where you are judged from the way you look to by the exam results you receive,a childs needs have never really changed ..just the world they grow up in has...you sound so proud of him,as I am of my girl,who has many good qualities but makes the mistakes of youth.As we speak she is in Essex staying with her fathers sister and satisfying her curiosity,she has scratched an itch,she has been on the phone begging us to come and get her,it wasn't as she expected,a hard but valuble lesson has been learned from this experience,but I will guide and support her through this as we nans do....xxxx for you for being you..

downtoearth, DGS is also mixed race in a predominantly white area. Having watched a TV documentary showing the treatment of the LBGT community in Jamaica (hounded to live in sewers) I understand where ex SIL has learnt his prejudices. Says he would not tolerate a 'batty boy' in his family.
DGS went off to Prom in almost high spirits, meeting a friend (girl) outside. I can't download DD's photos so not seen any yet. His dad was lurking round the corner as he left home so they had a few words, and a tweek of the bow tie, but he was quite pleasant for once, thank goodness.

I send lots of love and hugs to both these young people. My best friend told me last week that her niece has become engaged to her girl friend.They are both highly intelligent and high functioning 30 year olds and while having regrets for the norm both families are delighted and supportive.

Annsixty children are cruel when someone is perceived as different,the transition from junior to high school is not always smooth,and to have a facial disfigurement at any age let alone teenage years is difficult...hope she has the results she wants .....

shysal I understand your comments about your GS may be gay,I too would not be surprised to find in later years that my GD may struggle with her sexuality,having seen violence from a young age from her father.,she overeats and comfort eats and no amount of healthy food and healthy eating chats and examples change her mind she is aware of her size which IMO is bordering on obese,the food she buys out of the home is not healthy,I truly believe this is to make herself unattractive to the opposite sex as a barrier to forming a relationship she dresses in sports clothes ,will not wear feminine "girly clothes"....I just want her to be happy...she is also of mixed race,and is the only white/black African at her school and local area...

Children at school can be very cruel, can't they annsixty? Best wishes for a better future for your DGD, I somehow missed your posts.

Those of us who have GC who are different in what ever way know just what you shysal and down to earth are coping with .I posted last week about my GD who had her 5th operation for a very bad cleftlip and palate last Friday. She has had an awful time growing up and at times school has been horrendous for her. SHe went at 11 from a school with 300 pupils to one with 1900 , we were assured the transition would be managed well and the fact is it wasn't and she had to be taken out at 13 and struggled for 18 mths.She picked herself up with a lot of help but we don't know how her GCSE's have gone.However she has an unconditional place at a 6th form college who know about her emotional and physical problems. We will know on Friday just what the latest op has changed with fingers almost superglued crossed together. Sorry to go slightly off topic but sometimes it helps to know that all teens don't have a happy time and it isn't their fault.

I promise I will shut up in a minute! Every time I finish a post, someone offers more helpful suggestions.*trisher*, you are right that he needs a male role model, but has only mother and two grandmothers in his life. He has never been interested in 'boy' things, whereas his 10 year old brother is football mad. He thinks he is going to be in musical theatre in the West End, but won't be told it may not be possible. I wouldn't be surprised if it turns out that he is gay, but there is no way that his homophobic father would accept this.
All in all a recipe for insecurity.

Rant away. You need to let off steam.

If your DD is struggling to pay debts tell her to contact one of the debt charities who will talk to her creditors and agree an affordable repayment plan. When I ran away he kept the house and everything we owned and I got stuck with £30K in debts (long story). I managed to pay when I was working but it was impossible once I became too ill to work. Now I pay each of my creditors £1 a month (£17 in all). It's reviewed every six to twelve months. Recently some of my creditors have contacted me to check I still can afford to pay them £1 a month as they think it may be too much. It seemed odd reassuring debt collection companies that I could still pay them We all know that there is no way I'll ever pay back what I owe them but they're happy that I am making an effort now matter how small. They also stopped all interest and charges so my £1 comes off the capital.

Update on phone - not repaired, will take a couple of days to get to the bottom of the problem. I have bought a SIM card adaptor so hopefully he can use an old phone. I assure you he will be paying the repair bill from recent birthday money!

shysal how dreadful for you all. As far as your DGS goes I wonder if he is struggling to find a male role. His dad isn't with them and he may feel he should be 'taking charge' or stepping up in some way. His dad doesn't sound to be of much use to him anyway. I wonder if you have a male relative who could help out just by doing some 'boy' things with him. I split up with my husband and my dad built a great relationship with my sons. He never talked things through with them (his generation didn't) but he took them to football, played cricket with them and generally showed how a good man behaved. They still talk about him and 15 years after he died they still tell me things they did with him, some of which he told them "Don't tell your mum!"

downtoearth, DGS has been really excited about the Prom, and it is not just the girls who expect expensive outfits. His ultra skinny suit cost £180!!! Plus shoes, shirt and tie. All his friends are girls and he loves to dance, he even choreographed some of the school performance of 'We Will Rock You'. There has been some confusion over what time to arrive and leave, and some are planning to meet up first to get drunk! DGS never goes out and has no friends outside school or dance classes, so maybe he feels out of his depth.
I would never have considered attending if they had been the thing in my day!

anno !
vampire. DD was not brave, as he left her, in deep joint debt unknown to her, for one of her friends, but she has since realized that she is well rid. One sometimes has a dim view of those on benefits, but although she works they have been a life line, enabling her to rent a house nearby.
The divorce is not yet absolute, as he has been obstructive the whole way, and is currently not responding to the request for full financial disclosure. The solicitor has stated that he has no right to see the kids, but they do have a right to see him. However, they are too scared to refuse. What really winds them up is that he will never say where they are going, but tells them what to wear. Sometimes DD sends them in outgrown clothes in the hope that he will buy them some more, which happened once, he is very hot on outward appearance. Sometimes they have a pleasant time out somewhere, but on a few occasions they just sat in the car while he lectured them!
Sorry for the rant!

I agree that the prom seems pretty daunting,and competitive,and if you suffer from an already low self esteem the prospect must scare you witless,I am glad I didn't have to deal with this at school.

Shysal thank you for your earlier comments,my GD dosent fit the mould in anyway, and would not even discuss the prom she just knew she wasn't going to go for as long as I can remember,but I also now how much money some parents are spending to outdo each other to provide the best dresses/tans/manicures etc for their girls...

Just being brief...as off in a mo.

Is there a chance he was feeling pressured into going to the Prom....they can be pretty full on events and some teenagers find it just too much of a 'performance'.

teenagers are pretty good at hiding what they are really thinking and finding an indirect way of opting out of something that's troubling them

My DGD1 had a spell in her teens when she would hardly communicate, except with her peer group. Now she is 23 and has great people skills. You just have to put up with the teen phase. Now I have another about to enter it though come to think of it, it probably began when she was about 3.

Hormones are hell. Pile that on top of a critical, controlling parent and he's a bomb waiting to explode. Hence the throwing of the phone. That said actions have consequences. It was good that you waited for a calmer moment to have the talk. He sounds like a nice lad who would reflect on and regret his actions.

Do the children have to see their father? Was access agreed in court? If not, the children can refuse to go with him although I accept they will have to be very brave to say no to him.

Your DD has my sympathy. I had a controlling ex and he made me feel totally useless and worthless. She did a very brave thing in leaving him.

Oh the joys of living with teens. I am now on my youngest GDs - twins aged 17. One of the main problems I have found compared to the previous teens we have had living with us is social media. That combined with broadband makes life difficult for all. We have installed a separate router as we didn't want them on our business one as they are not very virus/malware aware, and I regulate their on-line time. They are not allowed phones, laptops or TVs in their bedrooms, they do have ipods, kindles and books for entertainment. They can be grumpy especially when PMT comes along, but they are not that difficult. Unbelievably irritating, lazy, messy and occasionally rude. If they are really awful, I just cut off their internet and ask for their phones.

As for contract phones, one of the girls wanted an iphone for her birthday and she is a bit of an addict so I arranged her contract with that well-known supermarket T***O as you can pay up to a monthly agreed sum, then it goes to pay as you go. This has got to be the best thing to avoid those unwanted mega bills. Sorry if it was too late for you downtoearth, but perhaps next time.

Previous GDs have turned out to be hardworking, delightful girls and I have no doubt these two will be as well. Only another year before they go off to Uni. I could use an emoji for 'hang out the flags' here.

I think I know who you are/were, downtoearth! I so admire you! DGS needs Maths GCSE for the college course he is starting in September, but despite having extra tuition, could/would not apply himself and feels sure he has failed. A re-take will be so much harder since he has left school now. What a pity the exams coincide with hormonal changes!

Have resident 16 year old....actions and consequences ....DGD had completed one half of a written GCSE paper in a subject she intensly disliked food tech,the next exam was the practical..which after much prompting reminding re ingredients, practice menu etc where ignored,she decided to tell teacher at the start of the exam she wouldn't be sitting it....she was rude to the teacher..and support staff,and turned her back on principal and walked away ...not a good move...apprenticeship which had been promised has now been scuppered,I have to pay for exam...and strong possibility that she will not be accepted for 6th form college....we have also had things thrown broken in temper for many years pre teen also due to background of DV ...have also had phone bill of over £1000,00 on her contract phone...I am not happy that she has lost her apprenticeship but the punishment fitted the crime and after a weekend that I grounded her in order to think through her actions she appears to realise that her behaviour was unacceptable and will have far reaching consequences...she is unable to repay the phone debt as she is not working she needs phone for contact when out and about lifts etc.....Nanny has adopted a "talk to the hand approach"...

Oh welcome to the world of being a grandparent to a stroppy teenage DGS. I've got one living at the bottom of the garden!

He's seventeen now and has turned into a monosyllabic grumpy little sod Kevin. He also had a hissy fit over his prom last year (can't remember what it was about) which we put down to lack of confidence - spots, moody girlfriend etc.

He wanted a new phone for Christmas so deliberately broke his old one. Guess what? He didn't get one! He's recently been left some money by a great uncle so he's been able to buy exactly what he wants....RESULT!

They'll hold you to ransom if you give in to their every whim. I find a shrug of the shoulders speaks volumes. Life is tough and the sooner they get their heads around that the better.

Things are looking up though. He's got himself a holiday job at a local restaurant and I bet he's all sweetness and light when he's there.

His younger brother is an absolute sweetie......at the moment.

Thank you all for your comments. DGS is very much like your nephew, Teetime, except that he is very short for his age, which embarrasses him. He is injecting daily with growth hormones which may not help, combined with the testosterone!
During the calm talking-to I gave him I stressed that we love him but not the behaviour. His Dad gave him the phone (a re-furb.), so I wouldn't want DGS exposed to the anger if he finds out, even if he thinks it was an accident. He will be demanding to see photos of Prom. He even gets told off about having spots, Dad saying he is not washing his face properly. If it was that easy to avoid spots, nobody would ever suffer!
Have left phone at repair shop, ringing me in an hour. I do have a spare basic non-camera phone, which I have left with DGS for contact if needed, but bet he would hide in the loo to avoid being seen with it!

DD is aware that she was emotionally abused, but is regaining her self esteem, and I am proud of her. Her ex still controls the family in the only way left to him, by not paying child support for 2 years then only occasionally since. He also demands to see DGCs at 10 minutes notice, and they are too scared to refuse whatever their plans. He is not allowed in the house, as he would only be critical. This is the hoarder Dad who heaped the marital home to the ceiling with his mainly worthless telecom business stuff, but nagged the children to tidy their rooms! Respect has to be earned!

He has become a Kevin, my loving grandson did, it will pass, my 15 year old grandaughter had just become a Keviness

It sound like the type of teenage behaviour that we do put down to hormones. I called them 'the duvet years'. They are like butterflies- go under the 'duvet' for their chrysalis time and then emerge years later a pleasant adult!

I would be firm and constant, repeat that you find the behaviour unacceptable, not him. I would not use any bribes, but include him in normal family activity.

I would not have fixed the I phone. It's hard, continue supporting your daughter and try not to be involved.

Hope you get through it x

Shysal If it still does not work buy him a really cheap phone so he can just keep in touch.

If he has been subject to a very controlling father it's not surprising he is reaacting now poor lad, he has a lot of readjusting to do.

Same with your Daughter, if the father has behaved like that for a while mum is bound to have been affected and worn to pulp. No wonder your DD is not reacting now, she is probably emotionally exhausted from coping with stress for so long.
Controlling behaviour is emotional domestic abuse.
These sites might be useful.
www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-articles.asp?section=00010001002200390001&itemid=1328

www.counselling-directory.org.uk/mental.html

They do need support it might be helpful for you to talk to your daughter about the fact that she has been so worn down by this that she might need some support.
Yes she does need to toughen up with the kids but right now she probably cannot do that untill she gets to feel better about herself first.
I hope she can get sorted out.

I do sympathise. I have a lovely nephew who is coming up to 16 who has suddenly stared having small fits of rage and things get broken. I put it down to a testosterone surge and he also gets nervous and tries to back out of social occasions at the last minute. he has started to get a few spots and is quite gawky and taller than his peers so I think he is very self conscious. I think you are right to tell your GS his behaviour is unacceptable but calmly and rationally rather than when you are cross with him.