got to get to know granddaughter before i can babysit

I have stayed overnight at my daughters a couple of times; when she was having her second baby and when she stayed overnight at a wedding. But the children have never slept here. I feel that they are happier/safer in their own home. It's so easy to forget just which things are dangerous to young children when you're no longer in that zone. If and when my son has children I don't expect to have anyhwere near the close relationship that I have with my daughters children.

Although I was pretty much a second mother for my 1st GS circumstances have meant that I haven't seen anything like as much of his brother who is now 10 months old. While he is happy to come and see me for an hour or two and play with some different toys I think he would be appalled if he was expected to spend a whole night with me and a traumatic time would be had by all.

NannyRodder I am going to be blunt here - you don't know me, so may be it easier for me to say it.

You sound as if you think that time for you with your GD is a right - it is not, it is a privilege, a gift that it is not for you to demand.

The idea that you lend them money and that this might encourage them to give you time with the babe as a thank you is not a good mindset.

If you will forgive me saying so, this is all about YOU - your idea of helping them is to satisfy your needs and not theirs.

Grandmothers are in a funny situation - we love our GC as if we had borne them ourselves and we have to grit our teeth and stay back and involve ourselves on someone else's terms - it is very hard and is the first and most difficult lesson of grandparenthood.

I may sound hard-hearted, but believe me I do feel for you and do not want to see this situation continue.

You have to play it by their rules - you have no rights. Make sure that every approach you make is truly for their benefit. Be cheerful and supportive, take what comes your way with a smile; and take the knocks with a smile too - or you will alienate them and the situation will get worse, which is the last thing you want.

You cannot have a "lend" of your DGD - she is not a commodity to be traded with financial loans. Their request that you come over and get to know her well is a generous and reasonable one. Grab it with both hands and go and see her with love, not resentment, in your heart.

The MIL/DIL relationship is a tricky one and you must play it carefully if you are going to get the chance to enjoy your DGD and she is to get the chance to know you and experience all you can offer.

You have already had her overnight once, and instead of reacting to this with joy, you see yourself as a last resort - so starting with that resentful frame of mind will not help.

None of my DGC stayed with me till they were 18 months or more - so you are a very lucky nanny!!

I realise how hard it is to invite yourself over especially if you feel the other granny has more time with DGD than you but you are going to have to switch off any over- sensitivity, invite yourself, take them both out for lunch/coffee/tea and perhaps offer to babysit during DGD's nap so that Mum has a break or pops out to the shops- what ever it takes! Babies do start to recognise people round about this age so it is best to tread gently - but if you have to, just explain that it is precisely because you would like to get to know DGD better and offer to help in any way you can. Good luck - it is a Catch 22 situation! If your Dil has any sense she will see how useful you can be and you will all be winners.
PS I wouldn;t rush to have her over night - we had DGS at 3 months (still BF, so DD left bottles of expressed milk) and I didn't get a wink of sleep worrying if he was still alive!!!

Wise words indeed from Mishap. As all 3 of our DGC were exclusively breast fed there was no way we could have them for o'night visits. We did do some babysitting in their own homes which had been made ultra safe and where all their familiar things were to hand but never managed to settle them with a bottle of expressed BM, just had to keep walking the floor until Mummy returned. Once DDs returned to work we did a lot of the day to day childminding while the other set of DGPs, like you living some 30 miles away while we are just 10mins down the road, undertook to cover 1 full day per week. They have continued with that for 6 years, now doing school/nursery drop offs and pick ups and taking the DGC to their swimming lessons.

I do not remember any occasions, except for our Birthdays, when the DGC were brought to us for a visit for our pleasure only, but have no problem with that as we see plenty of them and are useful at the same time. Times have changed since our own children were small and we were expected to dress them in best bib and tucker and take them to visit each Grandma at least once a week.

I have been seeing DGS about every two weeks in general. I properly baby sat him two months ago when he was 11 months. I agree that 8 months is when separation anxiety is at its worst I noticed these changes even with my regular visits to DGS. He was less anxious at 6months.
I did proper baby sitting when DD was at work and SIL had to abroad for about 2 weeks.
I was needed to pick DGS up from nursery a couple of times do a Sunday afternoon and put him to bed when DD was on a late shift and the following morning get him up and look after him during the day until mum got home.
l visited the day before so he could get used to me. He was obviously anxious at times and looking for mummy but not too distressed and easily reasured. I thoroughly enjoyed myself, particularly bath time which he really enjoyed.
Do get to know her first it is very important. I also think looking after her in her own home is better as she knows where she is, a strange house and another carer would be very upsetting. My DGS other gran lives very near and he sees her several times a week but she has really bad back problems and could not manage him overnight. I am quite jealous of how often she sees him but not of her health problems. Don't let this situation with the nearer granny get to you. Good luck with this.

that's why I offer to have her to get to know her more , seeing her when they visit me or me go and see them isnt the same as having her on my own as when I'm with them I dont seem to get much of a look in with my graddaughter x

Granddaughter is my sons Shouldn't really make a difference but I know it does but then my granddaughter goes and gets looked after by her mothers mum sisters her dad and step mum and others so her being attached to mummy n daddy not such a big deal she is a happy baby who will go to most people. I have offered to pick her up and drop her off when I have use of my car but i keep being knocked back...

I have no problems lending money if I got it I will lend it thats not an issue I just thought that i would ask them if I could have baby as a little extra thank you my son couldn't thank me enough for lending the money.

I don't have ''other nanny jealousy syndrome'' I think its great that other nanny gets to see her lots...I've offered to have her every 4-6 weeks which would be a lot more than I'm currently getting which is nothing at the moment. Even when they come to visit I dont seem to get much time with her as she is either being fed changed or sleeping there is never an offer for me to feed her or changer her and when i do get to hold her she is taken off me to be fed changed etc...

This all sounds entirely reasonable to me. At the age of 8 months, babies are just entering the period of separation anxiety.
Hop over there - you have been invited - at every available opportunity when you have use of the car and really get to know this little lass; then things might change.

It would be traumatic to have her overnight if she is not used to you - I would not have let an 8 month old of mine do that.

I had my then 19 month old GS here in the summer while his Mum was away working and he was fine during the day but distressed at night when he wanted his Mum - and he knows us very well.

Don't be gutted - these parents are just trying to do the best for their child. Do what they ask and go and see her a lot.

Above all, avoid the "other nanny jealousy syndrome" - gets you nowhere believe me. If she lives nearer she is bound to see more of the child - simple logic and noting to take offense at. My dear GSs see more of their other nanny because she lives nearer - that's fine by me and makes sense.

I am wondering in there is more going on than you are saying as you sound a bit disgruntled about making them a loan, which they then paid back - is there a problem with that?

Go and see her and ENJOY her when you can!!

She doesn't seem to see the catch 22, NannyRodders, that you can't get to know her if you hardly ever see her, and you can't see her until you get to know her. Could you ask her and your son to help you to break that cycle and build some bonds?

Oh so right LizG if this is a DIL rather than a DD you tend to find they gravitate towards their own mum's rather than MIL.
My own DD has always come to me for childcare when I have been available and had to be reminded about other GPs she did not do it intentionally just used me as a first port of call without thinking,I will have to get used to the change in role if DS2 and his new wife have children as I am sure she will use her family for childminding purposes with me running up at the rear for emergencies.

Is your GGD your son's baby rather than your daughter's? I feel so lucky having daughters because it is easier for girls to ask their mums to do things. Occasionally I have to remind one of my daughters that there is a Nanny too because I genuinely think she forgets, I am just the easier option.

30 miles is quite a distance if you don't have easy transport, I suppose there are no buses you can use and maybe get someone to collect you at the other end. Or perhaps you could ask your offspring if they could collect you from your home. Sometimes these youngsters get so wrapped up in their own lives they just don't think.

I hope you soon find a happy solution

At 8 months she has probably reached the stage of being attached to her parents and a bit wary of strangers and, by the sound of it, if you don't see her very often, she might perceive you as a stranger. Could you ask them to come and visit you sometimes so that she could get used to your house? It you take her to stay overnight in a strange environment, she might be quite disturbed.