Silly news reports.

A man was admitted to hospital, having sat down forcibly on his Dyson, in a freak accident.

Asked to comment, the hospital stated that he is picking up nicely.
(Frank Carson; not my own joke)

Some celebrity news just in.

Frankenstein's monster is being divorced by his wife, with her citing unreasonable behaviour. One of the things she mentions is his lack of help preparing meals.

The monster has responded to the allegation by stating that he in fact does the mash.

A cement mixer has collided with a prison van on the bypass. Police are looking for 6 hardened criminals!

A lady unfortunately fainted at Heathrow, collapsing on to a baggage carousel.

She is slowly coming round.

My nephew was interviewed by the local paper about his apprenticeship at B&Q.

"I thought I might screw it up but I've enjoyed it so far. I started in the ladder department, which had its ups and downs and the Decorating section was so boring, it was like watching paint dry.

I moved to Adhesives, where I got into some sticky situations but when I saw two customers arguing about sandpaper, I managed to smooth things over.

So overall(s), it's been a Posidrive experience and I think I've nailed it!"

Mass walk-out at viagra factory, after head of stock control department gave staff a stiff talking to.

Disgruntled Pigeon Fanciers in a Flap, new racing rules ruffle more than a few feathers!

The joys of wild camping by P Inabush.

A rather bizarre story appeared recently in the local newspaper regarding a misunderstanding with a vet.

A lady phoned her vet to ask for advice on her cat's upset stomach. The vet apparently misheard and, thinking she said 'cow' instead of 'cat', suggested giving it a pint of castor oil, and to ring back the following day with an update.

The following day she phoned back to report that her cat was in a bit of a state and had called in nine of its pussycat friends.
Three were digging holes, three were filling them in, and three were looking for spare ground!

Wanted:
Operative staff to work on the teacup rides in the "Jolly Holiday" theme park.
Good rates of pay, staff to work shifts on rotation.

An assistant in the hosiery department of a well known High Street retailer was upset when she complained about a leak in the ladies washroom. The manager told her to put a sock in it.

There was confusion when a knicker shop opened next door to a bakery. One short sighted woman wandered into the latter and requested 2 large white bloomers. When presented with two loaves she was heard to complain, "I wanted knickers" "This is a bakery " came the reply. "Prove it then!" said the irate customer as she stormed out.

The owner of "well gel", the once iconic nail salon explained her decision to sell off the salon.
"I was barely scratching a living" she said amidst tears.

Shoe Shop Assistant Shocked by Gorgeously Dressed Thief!
Sandie Startrite wailed "she was so incredibly well heeeled"

Cut backs to Street Market! Hot Potato Seller Dropped!
Sad Spud Edwards muttered " I've 'ad me chips"

The wig factory will sell off all stock before it closes, due to complaints about foul smells emanating from the building.

An anonymous neighbour said, "Not a minute too soon, as we've been unable to enjoy our garden.
Anyway, I've heard that the wigs are shoddy, and always blow off".

For sale :
Pink floral queen Anne chair.
Would suit lady.
With bowed legs.

This is a real headline from a local paper in Surrey in the 1970s. 'Shock for cheese and wine party organisers.'

Notice at the entrance to local cemetary: Are you content with your burial plot?

Upon reading this, my sister was heard to say, "How the heck would I know? I haven't lain in it yet?"

Mr Drew Pidoo intends to sue the Italian Star restaurant, after claiming that the food served caused excessive flatulence.

Owner of the Italian Starr dismisseed Mr Doo's complaints, by publicly calling them "A load of hot air".

The BBC news reporter who updated us on petrol shortages during Covid was called Phil McCann

Man wanders into his local electrical shop, can't find what he's looking for, seeks help from an assistant who tells him "sorry, don't have that, we only have the one item and you need to subscribe". "What!" says the customer. "Only Fans" here came the reply.