Win Mary Berry books to celebrate the imminent return of Bake Off

There once was a lady called Mary
Whose cakes were as light as a fairy
Her puddings and pies
were a sight for sore eyes
And her sponges were so light and airy

I love to watch bake-off on telly,
I tried out baking doughnuts with jelly
And flan creme anglaise,
And fruit tarts with glaze,
Now I can't see my toes past my belly!

There once was a baker named Kent,
Who aspired to bake off in the tent,
But his bottom was soggy, his sugar-work was foggy,
And his icing set hard like cement!

I'm going to get baking, I said,
I'll make pastries and cakes, also bread,
So I went and got busy,
Then got into a tizzy,
And slunk off to the bakery instead!

The table is groaning with all manner of cake.
However will I choose which one to take?
A long thin éclair oozing with cream
A fluffy meringue that looks like a dream.
All sorts of sponges, chocolate and plain
My hand hovers over time and again.
The choice is now made I'm happy to say
I'll take one of each and stuff my face the whole day.

When judging the puddings and pies
And flashing those Hollywood eyes,
Paul needs to be wary
Of gimlet-eyed Mary,
Who knows how to spot a good rise!

Oh how I wish I could bake
Some tasty bread or delicious cake
I've watched the shows with all the Pros
but alas their delights I cannot make!
So if I win one of the prizes
a cake I will make
and who knows....life is full of surprises!

There was once was a PM who said
"Slim down or you'll all soon be dead".
So the Beeb with a grin
Said "they'll never win,
If we put on a programme called Bake Off".

Moral of the story: it's ok to get fat so long as you do it on farm fresh butter and organic free range eggs. And preferably using a top of the range expensive Kitchen-Aid food mixer.

#onewomanwarontheevilsofgbbo

There's a blue-eyed Baker called Paul
Who loves kneading bread above all.
But please never forget,
All you on Gransnet,
Soggy bottoms to Mary and Paul
Will well and truly appal!

There once was a lady called Mary
Who thinks soggy bottoms are scary
If she went on Gransnet,
She'd find ladies who will say,
"No worries, we don't eat wheat or dairy"!

There was a lady called Mary Berry
Who was partial to a drop of sherry
No soggy bottoms allowed
She did us all proud
Cooking whilst slightly merry

There was a young lady called Mary,
Who wanted her cakes to be airy,
So she sieved and she beat
Till the mix was complete,
Now her cakes are as light as a fairy.

How I wish I could bake like young Mary
As what comes out my oven is scary
But perhaps with this book
I could learn how to cook
And I'd sing like a happy canary

There was a young (ish) woman from "oop North"
Who always would watch the Bake Orf.
She said "I rarely eat cake"
I simply love to bake.
and the Gransnetters were supposed to believe her.
But didn't.

A bake with a bottom that’s soggy
Will leave Mary and Paul feeling groggy:
She’ll try to be kind,
But he speaks his mind:
“This pie’s only fit for the doggy.”

There is a great lady called Mary
Who aims to make baking less scary,
With a hunk judge named Paul
She'd make cooks of us all-
But she really "Bakes Off" the unwary.

There was a master baker called Paul,
The finest of them all,
His dough was to die for,
His baps were to cry for,
And his buns are always too small!

a cake, to bake, a pie to eat,
a nice fat pastry, oh what a treat,
a belgian bun, an eccles cake, a jammie doughnut,
what should i make?
a nice choux bun, a cream horn,
a nice fluffy meringue for cream to adorn,
sprinkles, choco chips, thousands and hundreds too,
to decorate pretty is what i do.
a cake to bake a pie to plate
i'd make them all it would be great,
a crusty loaf a nice soft cob
a baker has a lovely job,
kneed it, proove it, cook it too
a bakers job i'd love to do.

There once was a baker called Mary
Who was never quite contrary,
Her bottoms weren't soggy,
Her toppings weren't cloggy,
That magnificent baker called Mary!

There was a young baker named Paul
Who everyone's cakes he would maul
With a flash of blue eyes
And comments so wise
No one minded if he came to call

I baked cakes for my kids for years
Now they’re grown and all out on their ears
Then they had all the pickings
Now I get all the lickings,
So I’ll continue to bake cakes for years

So back on our teles is Mary
Now all of you bakers be wary
Soggy bottoms are out
You need cake with a clout
Or results could be quite contrary

The Great British Bake Off it's called.
It keeps us all enthralled.
Paul bakes some bread,
we're all heels over head
and he's lucky he doesn't get mauled!

My cakes were always a flop
instead of rising they'd drop,
now, Mary inspired,
they're just as desired,
the scrumptious cream of the crop!