Patronising comments about mature love

Jaxjacky

I agree Oldnproud often the comment is ‘get a room’ 🙂

Yes, that particular comment had come to my mind, too. Said to them beyond people of any age group, including their own.

Oldnproud

I strongly suspect that young couples who look 'loved up' might get similar comments from more mature people.
In fact I know they do, as I've seen and heard it.

If it is agism, all age groups are guilty of it.

Yes. And the best response? Ignore it. Shrug it off as stupid twittery of which no-one needs to take notice.

Who cares was stupid, snide people think?

I agree Oldnproud often the comment is ‘get a room’ 🙂

German TV channel ZDF always has films on about older people in love. They seem to take it as a given there, but then again the Germans always were a bit more into 'die Liebe' than we Brits!

I strongly suspect that young couples who look 'loved up' might get similar comments from more mature people.
In fact I know they do, as I've seen and heard it.

If it is agism, all age groups are guilty of it.

In days gone by couples used to link arms, rather than holding hands, which may have been seen, at the time, as childish.

Maws - I can assure you that I am neither self conscious or over sensitive.

If you saw a young couple kissing and holding hands at the bus stop would you wind down your window and intrude on their moment in order to make a personal remark? No, I thought not.

I dont find either remark patronising
To me they express admiration and I would have smiled and said "Thank you"
Perhaps you are self conscious or were just being over sensitive?

For context, the remark was 'I hope I am as happy at your age'. He might have thought it but why go to the trouble of winding your window down and intrude on a private moment.

It may not be intended to be offensive. I am not suggesting that people set out to be hurtful or unkind, But it is intrusive, patronising and discriminatory.

The latest episode was about six weeks ago, just holding hands kissing my boyfriend good bye at a bus stop, minding our own business. Then some random person driving by, winds down his window and makes some remark. Again, I am sure not intended to be unkind, rather funny and a bit pleased with himself.

I faced a lot of sex discrimination as a young barrister in the 1980s, and I am certainly not going to put up with age discrimination.

I haven't really responded to these people so far as I didn't want to spoil the moment, but if it happens again I will not be so restrained. It will be an extremely rude remark which they definitely probably don't think or expect older women to use. Alternatively, if they say there is hope for us I shall look them up and down and say 'I doubt it' or 'Maybe' if I am feeling kind.

If you don't call people out on this behaviour, then it will continue.

And of course I am talking about random strangers and the way the remark is expressed not people who are genuinely pleased.

I think sometimes that we take offence where none is intended.
Those remarks don't sound unkind, just normal things that people say light-heartedly.
I completely respect older people being in love. It's wonderful. Wishing you masses of happiness.

Definitely enjoy your time together and ignore any comments. we all think it is great . Any joy and pleasure is wonderful, and that little lovely thought that who knows a Mr Right or at any even Mr Good Fun might turn up in our lives is something to cheer life up.

My pet hate is this Day of the older Person malarky. I know what they meant about acknowledging we exist, but I want 365 days of being acknowledged not just one!! So long as I do no harm to others, and can afford to go out whether on the bus or in the car or on the yellow peril , whatever I shall be "gallivanting" as my granny used to say for as long as possible.

I do actually get irritated when people say in an admiring way " isnt it good how you get about" or " that is quite a long trip for you " or such things, to which I sometimes reply " Oh I drove from London to Istanbul in three days with my husband" which I did, but I am only wanting them to stop measuring what I do against some ficticious levels of what is "suitable" for an 81 year old to do. If they dont look at their own comings and goings and say should I be doing x or y at my age, why should they think that I have to follow such things?. No, so long as safety and sensible timings are used, I plan - fuel costs permitting - to keep on wandering around, without being either patted on the head for doing it or some officious person asking if I should still be driving!!!

So let us all treasure the pleasures and joys that come our way. I sometimes say on here about a day out I have enjoyed as a memory to be kept ready for that horrible day, when life is a struggle and lots of pain. I look back at the good day and it reminds me that there can still be good days too.

p.s. even if you are not a diary keeper, do have a little note book where you could write of any special days or times you have had together. In the future , when those horrible days arrive and you cant seem to think of anything good to put against them, then you have your little book to dip into,to remind you of all the lovely things you have done and can look forward to other good days. Go on give him a kiss now just for being him!!

I do not get upset about things like that, most young people I meet are extremely nice. To them we are ancient. At seventeen I thought anyone 30 was old. Always glad to get help from a younger person if technology bewilders me.

Nobody is in any doubt of our passion for each other, walking together we always hold hands and we fool around like a couple of kids. We are quite happy to embarrass our adult children and in return we get a packet of blue smarties for Christmas, seriously they are just happy that we are happy and enjoy life

Some people really struggle to see older adults as vibrant individuals with their own romantic lives, completely missing that love doesn't have an expiration date. Keep holding hands and enjoying what you've found, anyone making cheeky or patronising remarks is just showing a severe lack of imagination.

PetitFromage

Dickens - that’s exactly what I meant but you said it so much more eloquently!

Well, gee, thanks! But it took me ages to think how to explain the very simple principle of 'there's a time and a place'.

AI could've deciphered my jumbled thoughts far better, but I know if I go down that route, my ageing-brain will just sit back and take it easy...

But, seriously - there are some very nice people around who would never intentionally offend anyone, and I wouldn't ever want to offend them by being too precious. However, those Silly Billies in Richmond Park angered me because - and of course, they didn't know this - that long-ago picnic was a pivotal point in the relationship between Mr Dickens and me, both of us having come out of abusive previous relationships, it was the first time we were able to relax with each other, so it was a very private moment.

Dickens - that’s exactly what I meant but you said it so much more eloquently!

To clarify.

I think there are times when interacting with complete strangers is acceptable.

If, for example, a couple (or family or group of people) are walking along smiling at people who pass - watching the world go by - then they are already engaging with the outside world, so it wouldn't be inappropriate to say something.

But if said couple/family or group are clearly involved in some private moment, perhaps deep in conversation or just existing in their own private world, then inserting yourself into their space is unacceptable.

PetitFromage

Whereas the intention may be well intended, I believe it's rude for strangers to feel entitled to comment but I appear to be in the minority here.

That was my initial reaction too. Even if well intentioned, why do complete strangers appear to feel compelled to comment at all?

My late partner and I were enjoying a picnic in Richmond Park. We'd just recently met up for the first time - we were then in our early 50s. It was a lovely afternoon, one of those halcyon days... warm with a gentle breeze. Clearing up the plates and debris spread across the blanket and putting it all back into the picnic basket, we paused for a moment, sat shoulder to shoulder with arms round each other.

A noisy group of young 20-something people recently positioned a short distance away kept turning to look at us. "We-know-what-you're-doing" someone said in a sing-song voice and they all laughed.

We ignored them, of course. But I remember feeling a flash of anger... it had been such a perfect day and their behaviour felt intrusive. Why couldn't they just simply mind their own damned business?

OH - as he became - a placid and philosophical man, told me to not give them a second thought because these "Silly Billies" as he called them, are everywhere in life and should simply be ignored - as they hadn't yet fully matured...

Sorry, I meant 'mildly' annoyed not 'madly annoyed'! 😂

I am not upset just madly annoyed because I do think it's patronising, which doesn't mean that I am not grateful for the relationship, not at all. That is why I posted under the Everyday Ageism forum.

It's all part of society's prejudices and expectations of older people, such as being unable to use technology, fiddle with their credit cards, beyond the age of wanting or indulging in love, sex, passion etc. Whereas the intention may be well intended, I believe it's rude for strangers to feel entitled to comment but I appear to be in the minority here.

However, I am very pleased that I posted as I have been alerted to the books by Hilary Boyd. I have almost finished Thursdays in the Park, which I am really enjoying, and am trying to decide which one to order next.

It doesn’t sound like those comments were meant to be patronising at all. With so much negativity around us these days, it’s actually lovely to see people respond with kindness and affection. Their words seem genuinely congratulatory, as if they’re simply happy to see love in someone’s life and hoping they find the same for themselves.

Completely agree with you.

I meant your life!

I was naive when I married aged twenty six after courting five years. That was a disaster, I had my two children that made up for it.
I remarried at forty I was mature enough then to know it was the real thing.
You life live it don't concern yourself with other people's opinions.