Adult offspring harbouring resentments

I think madeleine's suggestion of a subscription for a monthly magazine is an excellent one Pussycat. A monthly reminder that his parents love him and are there for him, without trying to initiate direct contact.

Your situation looks to me like coercive control from your d.i.l., especially if your son fears she will leave him, taking the children with her which she's done previously.

Her coercive control looks to be an issue with the children too, if they're not really engaging with you now and sit in a corner, barely speaking when you visit.

My advice is to continue with the visits but consider reducing them to fortnightly and make them shorter. You say your DH ^told her home truths^; how does he feel about the ongoing financial support you're giving?

This needs to either stop or at least be reduced. I understand that you maybe reluctant to do this for your son's sake but he's an adult, this is his life which he needs to manage,or not.

From what you've posted, it appears to be how you and your family are now that's an issue for your d.i.l. rather than your son bemoaning his childhood and life with you before they met.

You need to look after yourself Pussycat and put your mental and physical welfare first, just like your son is doing. It's 'easier' in these situations to put all the blame and responsibility on the shoulders of our adult children's partners, rather than accept their culpability but they are culpable.

This is happening because your son isn't doing anything to stop it. We're estranged from our youngest son and only GC because not only did our son do nothing to stop it, he's colluded with his wife.

The heartbreaking reality is that the only thing you can do is take steps to protect yourself .

InRainbows

I used to think my childhood was all very normal until I left home. I think my sister had a harder time than myself and now she is estranged from her daughter. It can be very sad.

I so relate to this. Even now in my 50s, I sometimes look back at individual things and think what on earth? I think my parents were young, young for their ages even, and really quite poorly equipped for parenthood. Though my mother likes to say my life challenges are what have made me so strong today. I've felt like saying, "That doesn't make what happened okay!"

I used to think my childhood was all very normal until I left home. I think my sister had a harder time than myself and now she is estranged from her daughter. It can be very sad.

Perhaps you could look at the situation in two different ways. It is hard and sad to no longer have the kind of relationship you once had, If you think quietly about the situation and try to acknowledge that no matter what you do , you cannot make your son behave in the way you would like.

So then I think it might be easier to just accept that you cant change it , and just feel sad about it, but stop trying to get things back to how you would like, and making yourself unhappy . That you put more of your thoughts into spending time with friends and people who want to do similar things that you enjoy. At the same time, I suggest that for birthday or christmas you might choose a years subscription to something he enjoys. That way if he receives a magazine every month or week about something he enjoys - so Gardeners World if he is interested in gardening. Then if you are having a patch of little contact , that magazine will be there for him to enjoy, and even if it isnt something he particularly things about at the time, it is a reminder that you think of him etc. So you are not ringing up wanting todo this or that but you are keeping the contact

It sounds like a new version of false memory syndrome. he was quite happy with his childhood and his birth patents until someone kept telling him it actually wasn't that good until he was convinced.

Hi we used to be a very close family but the last 3 years has been awful because my dil has caused up most trouble shes alienated my son her husband from his family everything is apparently there fault they dont put hearts on her pictures on fb they dont tell her how fantastic she looks i as s grandparent dont do enough for them I have done for the past 16 years but im in ill health so I cant look after her children on nights she wants to go out I offered to look after them but asked what time they would be home ? Apparently im not allowed to ask they know I cant night drive and my husband who's a lot older than me has to go to bed so staying till 2 or 3 o'clock in morning is not going to happen. They dont visit us now because my husband told her home truths so I visit them once a week to see my grandchildren who I had a good relationship with but now they sit in the corner and hardly speak im very close to just keeping away .my son never phones or messages any more hes frightened she will leave him and kids which she has done before .I cant sleep I worry all the time whst to do .when I visit I dont feel welcome .I still help them financially and I have been a good mother .dont know what to do ? Can anyone offer advice thank you xx

It saddens me there is so little warmth in this. It comes across more like talking about an annoying co-worker than a son.

Talk to him, take him seriously, focus on your relationship with him only. Empathy and understanding always helps even if we do not agree.

specki4eyes

Context: My eldest son is in his late fifties, is married to a very manipulative wife and has teenage children.
Since his marriage, our formerly good relationship changed and became a difficult one to maintain, having been previously easy, loving and mutually supportive. He married in his mid 30s and the children came when he was past 40.
I've reached the conclusion that although he keeps up a semblance of casual contact, he has developed in his head a whole host of grudges and resentments towards me. They are never spoken about to me but he does raise them with his younger brother (with whom his relationship has also become difficult) . It appears his grudges go back many years...some trivial incidents from childhood, some big issues such as me divorcing his father or me emigrating to continental Europe after he was married.
In the background is his sniping, coercive wife who manipulates and rules him and their children, controlling every aspect of their family life to suit her own agenda.
He calls me rarely, usually when she's not around and it's clearly a mere duty call rather than a conversation. During these interactions, he tells blatant lies and tries to convey that his world is perfect.
After years of occasionally trying gently to discuss the change in our relationship, only to be verbally attacked by him and gaslighted to believe that I am the problem , I have given up and I'm now tempted to more or less leave off trying to restore it. Worrying about it is blighting my latter years.
He was a happy child and he and I had a great relationship up until he met his wife to be. She is a great one for spouting psychobabble and using amateur analysis methods when she has no qualification.
What would you do? I've tried everything.

specki4eyes I've reached the conclusion that although he keeps up a semblance of casual contact, he has developed in his head a whole host of grudges and resentments towards me.

He calls me rarely, usually when she's not around and it's clearly a mere duty call rather than a conversation.

What would you do?

I'd be pleasant when he calls, not converse about his grudges or his wife. He's an adult, living his own life as he chooses. Perhaps accept things as they are?

specki4eyes

Thank you for sensible advice and suggestions. He once told me that he was afraid of being dismissed from the marriage, should he challenge his wife. He has invested his all in it, financially and emotionally. I sense that she has threatened him with this. She belittles him in company all the time, disguising it as banter or teasing. The grandchildren rarely engage with me except for just prior to their birthdays or Christmas, when they casually ask about my life. They never speak to me even if they are present in the room when he and I have a phone conversation. As a family they do not visit even though I live in a very popular holiday spot. He visits alone occasionally.
They behave similarly to their maternal grandparents. It's bizarre, as if they are in some kind of cult.
I will continue to try to keep communication with him alive and not dwell privately on the problems.

Well, she sounds manipulative, and in laws can be. They don’t “do” share. 🙄

My brother’s wife was the same - she resented him talking to any females - our mother, me, my DD (9 years old at the time) and any other female relatives. 🤷‍♀️

I just laughed at her, and we never got on. Thankfully, they’re both out of my life now, at my instigation. I don’t need all the drama.

But, just keep it light and breezy. 👍

I don’t know how old your GCs are, but I do know, if they are old enough, that I wouldn't be used just for birthday and Xmas gifts.

Just tell them you’re fine, and forget presents. That might wake them up. 👍

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That's not what the OP says.

Late 50s, married 25 years with teenagers and you dislike his wife and mother of your grandchildren? And they don't maintain a relationship.

March

After 25+ years I don't think there's much you can do.

Are you willing to listen to him when he brings these things up and discuss them?
If it's not something you want to do, just keep communication open, light and breezy.

Best advice.

I've never understood why when we have a mother on GN, talking about concerns she has because her relationship with married son her son has deteriorated, there's a suggestion that she thinks her son should prioritise his relationship with her, over his relationship with his wife!!!

You're absolutely right specki4eyes that healthy relationships have worth and should be treated with respect, affection and consideration, and a mother expressing her concern shouldn't be judged so harshly.

Paddyann, of course I don't expect him to prioritise me or even our relationship! That is absolutely not the kind of mother I am.
Quite the opposite...I have always hoped that he would be a good husband and father. His own father was a feckless loser and I divorced him, preferring to bring my sons up alone.
However, I do believe that healthy relationships have worth and should be treated with respect, affection and consideration. I live too far away to have any significant day to day input in his life, nor would I want to have, even if I lived nearer.

I hope that you will be able to find some peace Hilltop .

We never thought we would, but we have.

No, Smileless, l agree it wasn't offensive, so why bother to do it that way.
Sorry, OP, this distracts from your problem. I maintained a very occasional email relationship with my ES for about six years. But l realised l could never get past the manipulations of his wife, that email can be misinterpreted and that some of his messages caused me distress. I think we could have continued in this way. He would not phone me. He had told me that his childhood had been very happy. Anyway, I've sadly given up now after a very distressing message to me that l believe he later regretted.
I hope you manage to keep contact and don't give up on the grandchildren--they may see what the situation really is as they get older.

It happens Hilltop and when it does it's deliberate but it wasn't an offensive post.

I am the original Hilltop, l have occasionally posted on this thread, now someone has joined as Hilltop. With ones instead of letter L. Did this person not know, or is it deliberate?

Hey, the above person saying they are me !! That was not from me,

I was about to report as well. This poster keeps returning with the same name, a different number sequence but the same unpleasantness.

Maybe they'd like to take their own advice and sacrifice being 'right' not that they are, and focus on how others are feeling .

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Bluebelle spot on.

You are never going to understand the root of the problem as long as you dismiss his experiences. You've decided he had a good childhood and you've decided that the relationship was wonderful until he met his wife. You also decided that the things he is upset about are minor.

There's no room in your rigid understanding of the situation for you to even entertain what his issue might be. It's his fault and her fault but never yours.

Do what you want but that's not a perspective that invites repairing your relationship with him. You have to sacrifice being "right" and focus on how the other person is feeling. Or you can be "right" and maintain the status quo.

Contacting him monthly to keep the 'doors open' is good advice.
It's a pity you don't have a good relationship with the children. As they are teen you could contact them directly to try and build a relationship. They may not be very responsive as teens tend to be mainly interested in their peers but you never know. They will soon be of an age to visit you without their parents.