Adult offspring harbouring resentments

He once told me that he was afraid of being dismissed from the marriage, should he challenge his wife.
Some of his discomfort with you might be because he has shared such thoughts with you. He can't take that statement back.
It is always difficult if an AC shares a complaint about their partner. We want to comfort and support them but know that going too far down that road risks a rift should the relationship continue. And we cannot be objective about it as our tiger instincts kick in.
Accepting that your son is apparently in an imperfect relationship is very hard, but maybe your only choice is to stand back from engaging in conversation about it and let him find his own way of dealing with it as an adult.
I think we all sometimes have reservations however small about our AC's relationships but, unless there is serious abuse can do nothing.

Being afraid of being dismissed from the marriage, should he challenge his wife has nothing to do with being loyal paddyann, and why would anyone need to be manipulated?

Shouldn,t your son be loyal to his wife? She should be the most important person in his life then his children.Sadly mothers move further down the line of priorities as family takes centre stage,
Would you prefer him to put you first?
Is it what you would have wanted your husband to do?
Think about it,it’s just the natural order of things his wife may seem manipulative to you but maybe her husband needs her to be not all men who marry late are great husbands they had their mothers at their beck and call for years !

specki4eyes

Thank you for sensible advice and suggestions. He once told me that he was afraid of being dismissed from the marriage, should he challenge his wife. He has invested his all in it, financially and emotionally. I sense that she has threatened him with this. She belittles him in company all the time, disguising it as banter or teasing. The grandchildren rarely engage with me except for just prior to their birthdays or Christmas, when they casually ask about my life. They never speak to me even if they are present in the room when he and I have a phone conversation. As a family they do not visit even though I live in a very popular holiday spot. He visits alone occasionally.
They behave similarly to their maternal grandparents. It's bizarre, as if they are in some kind of cult.
I will continue to try to keep communication with him alive and not dwell privately on the problems.

Oh dear! That actually sounds rather sad and quite awful!

Thank you for sensible advice and suggestions. He once told me that he was afraid of being dismissed from the marriage, should he challenge his wife. He has invested his all in it, financially and emotionally. I sense that she has threatened him with this. She belittles him in company all the time, disguising it as banter or teasing. The grandchildren rarely engage with me except for just prior to their birthdays or Christmas, when they casually ask about my life. They never speak to me even if they are present in the room when he and I have a phone conversation. As a family they do not visit even though I live in a very popular holiday spot. He visits alone occasionally.
They behave similarly to their maternal grandparents. It's bizarre, as if they are in some kind of cult.
I will continue to try to keep communication with him alive and not dwell privately on the problems.

Good advice from Allsorts.

I understand that your relationship has changed and how upsetting that is but for your own well being, try and accept how things are. As long as there's communication, there's always the opportunity for things to improve .

Stop trying. Just ring once a month make it light hearted, just to keep doors open but expect nothing.

Sometimes the DIL/MIL relationship is a tricky path to tread. And possibly even more so if you've generally had a good relationship with your daughter or son. I suspect he probably is influenced by his wife and she may well have been jealous of your relationship with your son. Ideally he would probably like it if you both liked each other. Despite you clearly not liking her, a way in might be to somehow show her that you pose no threat to her. You might possibly be able to do that either through her, your son or other son. Because he has chosen to be with her and his loyalties will be with her. I think it can often be harder when a son marries than when a daughter marries. I've generally noticed that daughters can more easily continue a supportive relationship with their mum.

When he rings it might be best to just go for the inconsequential newsy chatter. He might be reluctant to ring if he thinks it might be a discussion about your relationship which feels heavy to him.

I think your relationship might be rebuilt on one bit of chatter and another ... brick on brick ... over time.

I am sure that he knows how you feel about his wife and I guess that must be a part of the cooling in your relationship. He's in the middle here.

After 25+ years I don't think there's much you can do.

Are you willing to listen to him when he brings these things up and discuss them?
If it's not something you want to do, just keep communication open, light and breezy.

specki4eyes

Context: My eldest son is in his late fifties, is married to a very manipulative wife and has teenage children.
Since his marriage, our formerly good relationship changed and became a difficult one to maintain, having been previously easy, loving and mutually supportive. He married in his mid 30s and the children came when he was past 40.
I've reached the conclusion that although he keeps up a semblance of casual contact, he has developed in his head a whole host of grudges and resentments towards me. They are never spoken about to me but he does raise them with his younger brother (with whom his relationship has also become difficult) . It appears his grudges go back many years...some trivial incidents from childhood, some big issues such as me divorcing his father or me emigrating to continental Europe after he was married.
In the background is his sniping, coercive wife who manipulates and rules him and their children, controlling every aspect of their family life to suit her own agenda.
He calls me rarely, usually when she's not around and it's clearly a mere duty call rather than a conversation. During these interactions, he tells blatant lies and tries to convey that his world is perfect.
After years of occasionally trying gently to discuss the change in our relationship, only to be verbally attacked by him and gaslighted to believe that I am the problem , I have given up and I'm now tempted to more or less leave off trying to restore it. Worrying about it is blighting my latter years.
He was a happy child and he and I had a great relationship up until he met his wife to be. She is a great one for spouting psychobabble and using amateur analysis methods when she has no qualification.
What would you do? I've tried everything.

Sounds like Harry & Megan.

Cossy

lovethepuppies

How do you react if he brings anything up? Any resentments I might hold onto are usually because my feelings and experience have been dismissed and negated, or reacted to defensively. Anything acknowledged and accepted tends to go away.

Whilst I do agree with the other advice here, this is such a valid point.

None of us actually know how events during childhood or beyond make another person feel.

It’s not even about whether the events happened in the way the other perceived, it’s about how they feel. How people feel is valid, and an acknowledge of these feelings can go a long way in making another person feel better.

As our dear Queen said,recollections may differ.

Having said that, if his manipulative wife has influence, you may be wasting your time and stepping away maybe the best thing for you atm.

Yes, and just adding that accepting and acknowledging doesn't have to mean agreeing, or that the thing that happened wasn't necessary. Just accepting it was hard or painful without justifying, minimising or negating can be enough.

lovethepuppies

How do you react if he brings anything up? Any resentments I might hold onto are usually because my feelings and experience have been dismissed and negated, or reacted to defensively. Anything acknowledged and accepted tends to go away.

Whilst I do agree with the other advice here, this is such a valid point.

None of us actually know how events during childhood or beyond make another person feel.

It’s not even about whether the events happened in the way the other perceived, it’s about how they feel. How people feel is valid, and an acknowledge of these feelings can go a long way in making another person feel better.

As our dear Queen said,recollections may differ.

Having said that, if his manipulative wife has influence, you may be wasting your time and stepping away maybe the best thing for you atm.

How do you react if he brings anything up? Any resentments I might hold onto are usually because my feelings and experience have been dismissed and negated, or reacted to defensively. Anything acknowledged and accepted tends to go away.

Bluebelles advice is spot on 🌞

I d keep a quiet distance relationship with no big expectations perhaps a call or text once a fortnight or longer Just an ‘how are you doing’ sort of call to keep the gates open but with no big expectations.
The wife may be a coercive, bitchy, nasty woman but he’s been with her sounds like 25 ish years so she must be good at something!!!
You don’t mention having a relationship with his teenage children ? Do you see or talk to them and how are they with you.
You say he had a happy childhood ✔️ and a good relationship with you up to mid thirties✔️ you ve done what you can if he holds resentments that’s for him to work out.
I d keep the doors well and truly open but get on with your own life and happiness in your older age, and try not to over analyse the whole situation
Good luck