Reducing contact because my heart just isn't in it.

User148391

It's great that you've healed enough to realize that lowering contact with your toxic parents is the correct move. Hopefully as you heal more you will overcome the obligation and guilt they have instilled in you that you compels you to stay in contact at all. Unless you are trying to score an inheritance or just keep the general peace with extended family, there is no real good reason to stay in contact with toxic people, family or not.

Them being family doesn't excuse any harm they have done to you or your mental health. The fact they are family actually makes it worse instead of excusable.

Thanks for your support. I have no problem with maintaining the level of contact I have decided on. It's safe and I don't want to cut contact all together. There's some natural geographical distance anyway.

No, not after an inheritance. Chances are there won't be one and I've encouraged them to spend it all if they want/need to. I don't think anyone owes an inheritance. Inheritances are just what's left over. I'm not like that.

It's great that you've healed enough to realize that lowering contact with your toxic parents is the correct move. Hopefully as you heal more you will overcome the obligation and guilt they have instilled in you that you compels you to stay in contact at all. Unless you are trying to score an inheritance or just keep the general peace with extended family, there is no real good reason to stay in contact with toxic people, family or not.

Them being family doesn't excuse any harm they have done to you or your mental health. The fact they are family actually makes it worse instead of excusable.

I also have no intention to stop the texting tradition. It feels like a safer way to connect at the moment. The previous closeness may be lost for good, I don't know, but I'm giving all I have the emotional bandwidth for right now.

I'm not ghosting though. I'm sending daily text messages, as is our habit for years. She will know why.

I think the correct term is soft ghosting, reducing contact so eventually there is none. I would much rather want to know why.

Since there's a post about OPs not updating, I thought I would.

Things are quiet, but I've been plausibly busy that my parents won't have noticed I've pulled back. My mother will have noticed I didn't phone her for her birthday. That was way too soon to what I'll call 'the trigger event'. I did send a gift and a birthday message in the morning though. It may all just quietly fade.

Quietly fading is fine by me. We do instant message each other daily, so I'll keep that up. I am at the place where I don't feel that I need to discuss it with them. It's best to just accept who they are and who they have always been. The thing I'll be dropping is the weekly phone calls with my mother. I just can't right now.

I've spoken to someone professional about it all. This has helped me accept that I don't need to do anything other than just accept how things are. I've given myself permission to not be 'the good daughter' and 'the responsible one they can always count on'.

Right now I have a need for ongoing space and I'm going to honour that. As I said, we are in daily contact at a level I feel okay about.

Wyllow3

Oreo

Of course, just reduce the amount and duration of texts, phone calls and emails. Allow them to contact you first sometimes.
Maintain a relationship and see what happens.Parents aren’t perfect and have their own troubles and insecurities.

I'm returning to this early post as basically as far as I can see it its applying the yellow rock approach. Certainly before you estrange try it first. Thinking of cossy's comments on guilt too.

Hard work at the start. I'm having to decide to use it (much less pressure than family) on someone in a group I go to a lot.

"The yellow rock technique means staying polite and brief while keeping your emotions hidden. It is a friendly version of the gray rock method, using small niceties like a warm greeting or short polite phrases so you do not look cold, angry, or defensive.

How to Do It
Add mild politeness: Say simple things like "Hope you are having a good day" or "Thanks".

Keep it short Answer in one or two clear sentences.Stick to facts: Talk only about the immediate topic or logistics, and do not share personal details about your life.

Do not take the bait : Ignore insults, guilt trips, or traps to start a fight.

Why It Helps with Parents
Prevents big fights: Giving a tiny bit of warmth stops them from feeling attacked or stonewalled, which keeps arguments from blowing up.

Protects your energy You stay in control and do not waste strength on old drama.

Keeps you looking calm If other family members or outside parties look at your texts or emails, you always appear to be the reasonable and kind person.

Thanks for these ideas. I'm just going with the flow. I have a message with my parents by text each day. I'm just doing that for now and keeping it polite and sharing small talk. It keeps the contact without too much demand.

Smileless2012

I wish you well with the choices you've made lovethepuppies.

I made a very opposite choice but sometimes, it's better to just accept and go the other way. I don't have the energy for all this, so it's better to just ride the wave rather than tame it sometimes.

Oreo

Of course, just reduce the amount and duration of texts, phone calls and emails. Allow them to contact you first sometimes.
Maintain a relationship and see what happens.Parents aren’t perfect and have their own troubles and insecurities.

I'm returning to this early post as basically as far as I can see it its applying the yellow rock approach. Certainly before you estrange try it first. Thinking of cossy's comments on guilt too.

Hard work at the start. I'm having to decide to use it (much less pressure than family) on someone in a group I go to a lot.

"The yellow rock technique means staying polite and brief while keeping your emotions hidden. It is a friendly version of the gray rock method, using small niceties like a warm greeting or short polite phrases so you do not look cold, angry, or defensive.

How to Do It
Add mild politeness: Say simple things like "Hope you are having a good day" or "Thanks".

Keep it short Answer in one or two clear sentences.Stick to facts: Talk only about the immediate topic or logistics, and do not share personal details about your life.

Do not take the bait : Ignore insults, guilt trips, or traps to start a fight.

Why It Helps with Parents
Prevents big fights: Giving a tiny bit of warmth stops them from feeling attacked or stonewalled, which keeps arguments from blowing up.

Protects your energy You stay in control and do not waste strength on old drama.

Keeps you looking calm If other family members or outside parties look at your texts or emails, you always appear to be the reasonable and kind person.

I wish you well with the choices you've made lovethepuppies.

Allsorts

What a sad situation for all.

I guess they made their choices, so I have to make mine.

What a sad situation for all.

Cossy

Terribly sad, I’d just add please do this in a way which hopefully leaves you with no regrets or misplaced feeling of guilt when they die. (I don’t mean that quite a bluntly as this may come across)

It's a very fair statement to make and very true. Not too blunt at all. :-)

Terribly sad, I’d just add please do this in a way which hopefully leaves you with no regrets or misplaced feeling of guilt when they die. (I don’t mean that quite a bluntly as this may come across)

Harris27

I would say contact but no conflict. I do that with a certain member of my family. I realised some time ago this wasn’t worth the stress and keep the visits and texts to a minimum.

Contact but not conflict sounds like a good four word policy in approach. Visits won't happen but phone calls are up in the air.

MarieElla

Good for you.
Does your sibling feel the same way?

My sibling has had their own issues with our mother but not as much as me since expectations are generally lower there (I'm the eldest). My sibling agrees with my point of view on the issues.

Good for you.
Does your sibling feel the same way?

I would say contact but no conflict. I do that with a certain member of my family. I realised some time ago this wasn’t worth the stress and keep the visits and texts to a minimum.

Just a note that I can now see private messages, so I'll be onto those shortly.

MarieElla

Dear OP, your situation resonates with me.
Both my parents are dead now. I didn't put distance as they aged as I had already done that some years ago when I moved to a different country. They had very little interest in my life, so I shared very little.
However, 10 years ago my mother died suddenly, and my father lived on for 5 more years but had dementia. My siblings put a lot of pressure on me to share the care which I resented due to their and my parents, lack of support for me, especially when my children were small and when I had operations. So, I did help, but on my terms which caused a lot of resentment, on their part.
Now, my relationship with my siblings is strained.
I did make an effort for about 3 years after my dad died, but realised it was one sided.
I've stepped back now and answer their messages, on the rare occasion they message, and don't initiate.
I am concentrating on my life and family and friends here (where energy is matched) and am happier for it!

I think this sounds like a very fair and balanced approach. I think your last sentence is where I need to be - and where my parents need to be too.

25Avalon

You offered to buy them a home closer to you but they didn’t want to know. That was very good of you but has it left you with a sense of rejection which with everything else has made you feel the way you do? Is it that you keep trying, wanting their favour, and they keep not responding? If so you are best off stepping back as it seems you want the unachievable.They seem very independent people who chose to move miles away. It is what they wanted to do and they must be responsible for themselves. Please stop beating yourself up. If they want help let them ask for it. Keep contact albeit at a lower level and above all stop worrying.

The offering them a home was a separate issue. I do understand that. They don't want to leave their established community. Of course they don't. That makes total sense and, in many ways, it's not good for older people to do that. However, my offer was in response to their concern that they have no family around to care for them. I have no problem with them rejecting the offer but I'm glad I made it.

Dear OP, your situation resonates with me.
Both my parents are dead now. I didn't put distance as they aged as I had already done that some years ago when I moved to a different country. They had very little interest in my life, so I shared very little.
However, 10 years ago my mother died suddenly, and my father lived on for 5 more years but had dementia. My siblings put a lot of pressure on me to share the care which I resented due to their and my parents, lack of support for me, especially when my children were small and when I had operations. So, I did help, but on my terms which caused a lot of resentment, on their part.
Now, my relationship with my siblings is strained.
I did make an effort for about 3 years after my dad died, but realised it was one sided.
I've stepped back now and answer their messages, on the rare occasion they message, and don't initiate.
I am concentrating on my life and family and friends here (where energy is matched) and am happier for it!

Is there a way to gently pull back? Yes, do just that. Gradually make them less prominent in your life. Don’t contact them as often, don’t focus on them as much, don’t visit as often…and slowly reduce the intensity of your relationship. If you are doing this because you feel you can’t give any more, it'll probably come naturally. If it makes you feel too guilty, I would examine what your deeper feelings are.

Some really good advice here lovethepuppies.

It's to your credit that while looking for ways to protect yourself, you are simultaneously wanting to reduce the impact this may have on your parents.

For me, Oreo's post is spot on. The advantage of going low contact is that although your parents may be aware of a change, they will be spared the pain of being estranged, and you will hopefully be in a better 'place'.

I feel that it's important that you find a way to strike a balance between taking care of you, and not having any guilt. I was going to say guilt and regrets, but I think there will always be regret that you were unable to have the relationship with your parents that you wanted.

I'm sure you'll be able to come up with a feasible reason to delay the visit and I suggest that whatever reason you give, doesn't allow for further discussion.

I wish you well .

25Avalon

You offered to buy them a home closer to you but they didn’t want to know. That was very good of you but has it left you with a sense of rejection which with everything else has made you feel the way you do? Is it that you keep trying, wanting their favour, and they keep not responding? If so you are best off stepping back as it seems you want the unachievable.They seem very independent people who chose to move miles away. It is what they wanted to do and they must be responsible for themselves. Please stop beating yourself up. If they want help let them ask for it. Keep contact albeit at a lower level and above all stop worrying.

I totally agree with Avalon. All the best.