It's official: Grandparents are good for children

Smileless2012

^I don't think a parent is ever responsible for everything that happens to a child^; at last, something that makes sense.

It’s so interesting that I’m trying to communicate something that I think EAC try to communicate to their parents, the importance of impact over intent (which has articles and articles freely available on the internet describing it) and you respond with dismissiveness, condescension, and no curiosity. It’s also fascinating how my sentences charitable to parents are comprehensible to you, but that ones that aren’t may as well be in another language.

^I don't think a parent is ever responsible for everything that happens to a child^; at last, something that makes sense.

I don’t think a parent is ever responsible for everything that happens to a child. In this very tragic example, I also would hope the grown up children would make allowances for things the cancer caused that were beyond her control. Such as not playing with them as much due to fatigue, not being at school events due to nausea, or many other horrible things such a disease may bring upon a parent.

There are other things something like cancer could contribute to a mother doing that she would have some responsibility for. Such as if when the children misbehaved she told them something like “Mummy gets sicker when you don’t do what she says.” Statements like this would make the children feel responsible for their mother’s wellbeing; very damaging for a child. I think how a grown child should deal with a situation like this is very case specific and tragic for all involved. Having cancer doesn’t excuse everything but I absolutely agree it should be considered in what the mother should be asked to be accountable for.

Ok here's an example for you. A mother gets cancer. She survives but her illness and treatment impacts on her children.
Are you saying she is accountable for everything that happens to them afterwards?
I would hope that her children grow up to acknowledge the difficulties she faced and make allowances.

workscounselingcenter.com/impact-vs-intention/

It makes no sense that not trying to break something doesn’t mean that thing isn’t still broken? Just because someone doesn’t mean to harm someone doesn’t change the fact that they harmed them. The importance of impact over intent is a pretty basic component of understanding of relationships. I’d encourage everyone who’s interested to look further into it.

Sometimes it is bakestrategic when they're expected to be accountable for every little thing. Sorry, but I think what you're saying makes no sense.

I didn’t say intent doesn’t matter at all but impact does matter more than intent. If you accidentally break a vase even if you tried your best not to, the vase is still broken because of you. Holding people accountable for the impact they had on their children is not beating them with a stick.

Of course intent matters. If a parent deliberately ignores their child's emotional needs that will have a bigger impact than them doing so inadvertently, and how much of this 'emotional abuse' only became an issue when a stick was needed to beat the parents with?

Smileless2012

^impact is more important than intent^ no it isn't because intent can make the impact more painful, not physically if the the act is a physical one, but emotionally if the intent of the physical act was only to inflict pain for the pleasure of the one doing so.

You’re disagreeing but you’ve kind of proved my point with your statement. Intent may make the impact worse or have no effect on the impact. In either case, the impact is still the result that caused damage. In regards to children, the intent especially doesn’t matter because they can’t understand intent until their teens or later. Good intent doesn’t change the brain damage caused to children by things like emotional neglect.

👋👋👋

impact is more important than intent no it isn't because intent can make the impact more painful, not physically if the the act is a physical one, but emotionally if the intent of the physical act was only to inflict pain for the pleasure of the one doing so.

How does this differ from a thread I started earlier quoting the self-same article?
Quote MawsRosie Sun 24-May-26 10:45:24
In today’s Sunday Times (not that it comes as news to any of US)
Research suggests they're even more important than you thought
It is said that it takes a village to raise a child — and the key is to have supportive grandparents.
A government-funded report will say this week that grandparents who spend time with their grandchildren play a critical role in their future success
The Social Mobility Commission analysed academic research to determine which parts of children's family lives had the greatest influence in determining positive life outcomes, including academic success
The “grandparent effect” was strongest for the mother's mother

Nice to get some recognition at last!
(goes off to polish halo 😇😇😇😇😇😇 )
#supergransRus

Because impact is more important than intent. Decades ago, parents were advised that physical punishment was necessary to raise children well. I don't think parents should be blamed for following the advise at the time, but they are still accountable for the damage physical punishment caused. Not being aware of the harm does not mean the one who caused it is not responsible.

bakestrategic

Are you saying parents shouldn't have to be accountable for the unavoidable ways they fail their children?

Actually yes I am saying that. If those ways have been unavoidable or inevitable why should they be accountable?
How about mature adult children showing some tolerance towards to their parents?
When people decide to have children they have no idea how that will pan out. Any number of unforeseeable situations could arise afterwards which impact on the relationship - in a positive or a negative way.
Most children grow up and recognise that.

Perhaps "inevitable" is a better word than "unavoidable."

Are you saying parents shouldn't have to be accountable for the unavoidable ways they fail their children?

bakestrategic

I think people shouldn't have children if they can't accept that they will fail them and will need to be accountable for those failures. And unfortunately I think the majority of parents don't anticipate this fact or accept it.

Going by your theory it's amazing the human race didn't die out centuries ago

eddiecat78

There are so many holes in your argument that I don't know where to start. And I doubt you are open to consider any other opinions anyway, so I'll keep quiet

I'm open to facts and other verifiable evidence.

I think people shouldn't have children if they can't accept that they will fail them and will need to be accountable for those failures. And unfortunately I think the majority of parents don't anticipate this fact or accept it.

In that case, then, none of us should have children?
I mean any of us, across all age ranges, from those who are grandparents now, to those who are in their mid forties and are still failing to provide what's needed for their children.

There are so many holes in your argument that I don't know where to start. And I doubt you are open to consider any other opinions anyway, so I'll keep quiet

Ok. My point is parents in general seem to over estimate they're parenting skills and how well they met their children's needs. I think people in general underestimate the harm they caused their children while raising them, and acknowledging it would be too painful. It's inevitable that parents will harm their children to some extent while raising them despite best efforts. That doesn't mean the harm is acceptable, and saying "I tried my best" "I'm not perfect" minimizes the previous harm and causes further harm in the present. I think that's a big facet in this multifaceted phenomenon.

Yes, I'd think so.
Could the same be said for estranged adult children who come onto this site and post lies about members?
Would they seem like fulfilled, healed, happy people?

Its so multifaceted.

Could the same be said about parents who shared their feuds on this site?