Support and friendship for those whose lives have been affected by estrangement.

Sorry had to go. Be back . Helping friends on my HPX group and others .

Last paragraph missed out when my sister in laws dad dies.

I posted as my hands tremble and lost many of a post.

Dore last time I saw and spoke to my son was on my birthday 2020 covid rules in place so we didn't touch or sit close . He knew I was waiting for further tests on my heart as they found a problem. Four days later I had a text saying sent you an email do not contact me and sent one to his sister.
I had a kind and loving son for 32 years that email showed him to be a cruel coward. He should have told me to my face but he wouldn't have been able to do it. I know my daughter in law helped him write the email. As spelling and punctuation was not his strong suit.
He ended it with I love you mom but don't like you. He rewrote family history, blamed me from hiding things about his dads cancer which I did . Hus dad never wanted the children to know what he went through. They where 20&16 when he died in our bed at home with just the 3 of us in 2004. He even set a time limit on the email so it would disappear in 2025 which it did. But it hasn't really as I have a copy so has my solicitor.

There is a point to this but I ramble its how my mind works. I moved to the north west August 2019 to live closer to the children something they had wanted for years ,but had both parents and mother in law to look after until mom was the last to die in 2017. And finally I was free to move.

Once here saw my son and his 2 eldest every week for 7 months. Over the years before my move because I lived over 100 miles away I turned a blind eye to many things my daughter in law said and my son did and said things in hindsight I would never have put up with. But I saw them only 3-4 times a year saw my daughter and son in law more frequently.

I am not a forgive or forget sort of person am stubborn and have a temper. But before moving I had no life I existed after my husband died our house wasn't home he was my home. Plus being on call 24/7 with my parents and mother in law.

Dore did you notice changes in your son once he got with his partner things that you turned a blind eye to as you loved your son .Things that normally you wouldn't put up with . I imagine there where sights . My son meet my daughter in law at college aged 17 they married at 28 after living together for years. Long story . But came to love my daughter in law not as much as I love my son in law.

I was always there for my son and daughter in law especially as her parents taking her siblings with them moved back to the country of her and dads birth. They moved here when she was 2 and she was 18 when they moved but she didn't want to go. So she moved closer to where my son went to uni.

I don't know when things changed so much as I spent hours holding her while she cried in my arms as she felt abandoned and missed her mom and siblings. She blamed her dad and estranged him over 10 years ago .

Dore you came to the right place . This is a safe thread. I never called my in laws mom and dad as they where not my parents . I called them by their names same as my husband called my parents by their names. Only difference was my parents treated him as their son. He got what he needed from my large extended.

If you have read any of my posts you will understand I ramble and they wander all over the place its how my HPX brain works so please bare with me .
My sister in law found out her youngest son had Aspergers when he was 14 same year she was diagnosed with MS and found out her husband had been having an affair for 2 years. Her eldest son went to live with his dad and that woman. He was 17 and called her mom . Broke my lovely sister in laws heart when he said it in front of her . Her son's both in their 30's now haven't bothered with her for last 6 years . She texts occasionally but rarely gets any reply. They haven't bothered with their grandad for over 10 years he is now 94 and he can't dress or wash himself my brother does it for him He has lived with my brother and sister in law since they moved to Lincolnshire 6 years ago. I am glad I saw him in July as I think if he makes it to Christmas it will be his last. He is my adopted dad as I call him he has the same name as our dad. We talk a lot especially when his wife died 3 years ago. My sister in law knew he needed to talk to someone who understood how he felt. So we talked and held eachother . July he told me he had enough life had no meaning for him. I know he is waiting for my sister in law to let him go which she will soon.

That's why they renewed their wedding vows this year been married 10 years so her dad could be their again and know my brother will always look after her. Her sons where no invited . My nephew and 2 nieces have always treated her as a mom but called her by her name . My eldest niece had a little boy beginning of April so they are nannie and grandad .

And when he dies I know my brother won't want to tell them but my sister in law will. But they both know if they come to his funeral it will only to see if he has left them money. I really hope he hasn't.

I used to call my first mil mom, it was done then. Sorry you were upset with your son, but it was hardly reason to estrange you. You have left the door open, maybe he will contact you again before too long, Continue sending cards for him and his wife and your grandchild and who knows. If he were my husband I would tell him to grow up.

Welcome Dora Sorry to hear about your son, as Smiles has already said, nothing you can do but wait out the storm & hope he soon comes to his senses.

My brother's wife always called my mum; mum, I didn't like it, especially when my mum got dementia. I never called my m.i.ls mum, called them by their name, which I thought was more appropriate.

I wish you luck in getting your son back and then seeing your GC.

Hello Dore and a warm welcome to the support thread although it is always sad to see that someone else is also suffering due to estrangement.

You don't have to answer of course but I was wondering if your son is married and if so, if it was his mother in law he called mum.

I never called my m.i.l. mum but one of my sister's in law did and Mr. S. never called my mum mum either. It seemed to be something that our parents generation used to do, but not so much nowadays.

Being cut out of not just his but your grand child's life is heartbreaking I know, but there's simply nothing you can do until he's ready to engage with you.

It might be an idea to tell your sister that you don't want to know what he's saying if it concerns you, and if her giving you any information about him and your grand child is upsetting which is perfectly understandable, to say you don't want to know.

I hope that knowing you're not alone will be of some comfort because now you've posted here, you wont be .

Hello?

I am 58 yr woman and mother of one son. This is the 2nd year of not hearing from my 31 year old son of whom I last saw on mothers day two years ago.. he does not acknowledge my calls nor respond to my hand made Christmas card. He speaks to my sister and tells her that I am not nice. Yet my whole life has been gentle and kind to all.. I made one comment to him about it not being appropriate to call another person Mom in front of me .. I am dieing inside while he displays his happiness of new diamce and newborn child and wants nothing to do with me

No, I didn't go out yesterday at all. Spent the day picking up all that the wind blew over in my garden, my oblique blew over 3 times, even with me securing it into the ground tightly, eventually tied it to the fence. Was Prying the next doors gigantic trampoline didn't take off into our garden, it didn't.

Sunny & not too windy today, so out for walkies soon, Joey really misses his walkies if we can't get out.

Take care all xx

Yogin

I just had the thought that given the winds, it's probably not a good idea to take Joey for walkies because he might end up going for flyies and I rather suspect nobody wants that

....Had to dash, phone call from my DD.

Well, what a rotten day today, my DD cancelled coming to dinner tonight due to the high winds, will come tomorrow.

I want to take Joey for walkies but it's tipping down at the moment and I'm a bit afraid of walking in the park, being full of big trees, with these high winds.

Take care everyone xx

Lovely rose Sparkly same colour as my 6 bridesmaids dresses when I married a second time. Hope your friend found some comfort in your words, but when you're in the first throes of estrangement it's difficult to listen. Enjoy wearing your new dress. Talking of apples, I went out with a friend for lunch yesterday, had a 3-course meal for £10, dessert was apple crumble & custard, delicous!

As you know Whiff, we are geographically much closer to our ES since moving here just over 2 years ago and it was only a few months ago that our paths did cross in a supermarket.

What would we do and/or say if that were to happen has been something we've all pondered from time to time and for me, doing and saying nothing was how I always envisaged it would be, and it was.

It is I would think more than likely that we could walk past our GS's in the small market town where our flat is but we wouldn't know them if we did and it's extremely unlikely they'd know us.

Beautiful flower Sparkly .

SparklyGrandma
This is an old recipe

Line a 2lb loaf tin. Oven temp 170° fan oven

My way of making it is to put all the ingredients into a bowl without the apples and mix with electric mixer.
8oz SF flour
4oz soft brown sugar
4oz spread or butter but I use olive spread .
2 medium eggs
1 tablespoon of honey or golden syrup
I don't measure just give a good squeeze of the bottle.

Large or 2 medium apples Bramley is the best cut into pieces . But your apples will work just as well.

Once cake mixed stir in apples . I sometimes use more apples if I don't think it looks enough.

Bake 45 mins . Test with skewer if still raw in the middle but brown . Cover with some foil give another 10mins.
Put on cooling rack .Leave in the tin for 10mins before taking out. Just peel down sides of the paper its to soft to lift and take it off the bottom until cold .

Instead of apples you can use 250g of blueberries.

It keeps well and freezes . Can be made using gluten free flour . Tested both ways no one could tell which was which. Tested on people who aren't gluten free.

Whiff

Beescrete I am happy with my decision 3 years ago and never want to see or speak to my son ever again . He destroyed any trust I had in him. The love I feel is for the son I had for 32 years. Not the 39 year old man he is now. We are strangers. I am not the mom he knew . I last saw my eldest grandson and his brother when they where 4&2. Now 10,8 & their brother 6. I don't know his name only his due date in 2020. I wouldn't recognise the 2 I know. But we live in differnt parts of the city I live north west of it and they south east. So would never cross paths.

I am so sorry for the pain you felt. I commend you for recognizing when it was time to let go and accept. That is the hardest thing to do for anyone involved in estrangement. I believe making that decision eventually leads to peace.

Yes please Whiff the recipe for apple cake, thank you.

If I had excess apples I would have juiced them. I saw a fruit press for £24 on one of the countryside websites I follow, maybe Wildlife Trust.

A mobility scooter sounds like a great idea Whiff..

Thank you Yogin.

A long time DF has been cut off by her DD. She asked me what to do because she’s crying, leaving messages and feeling hurt.

I suggested she try distraction, and that if her daughter gets cross because of DM constantly messaging her, it might last longer.

I said it softly and sensitively, she heard but not completely.

The DDs father passed suddenly 13 weeks ago, everyone, she says is in a high emotional state.

Anyway, bought a new Veronica dress in the Seasalt sale. They are so flattering to a rounded frame.

Yes, rotten day today Smiles so need to get out before it rains. I just stay on this estrangement page for that reason S.

Whiff good luck with choosing your Mobility scooter.

Awful what's happening in France, all those poor shop owners having their shops looted and trashed!

Thanks for that info Sparkly hope I get some apples next year then. Still like to get a Crabapple tree though. Good luck with your winter produce.

Morning everyone, hope you all had a good weekend.

Oh yes Whiff, I forgot about the pic of Ziggy so will get Mr. S. to put one on later.

Had a lovely time with my dearest friend. Apart from Monday afternoon when he was bowling, he stayed in to dog sit the 3 dogs so we could go out without worrying about the time .

I bought some new Christmas decs too Whiff. Not sure if we'll be having a tree due to Ziggy being into everything so we bought an over the table frame which we can decorate and light up just in case there's no tree.

We have a smaller one which we can put up on a table which if we do, we'll have to forgo our beautiful glass baubles just in case.

A mobility scooter is a great idea Whiff and I can just picture you getting out and about. There are some great designs; are you going to go for anything fancy? There are some great colours available and I was thinking that 'race red' would really suit you .

Sounds as if you've got your winter veg sorted Sparkly. It must be satisfying eating your own produce and you and Whiff do very well growing your own.

It's miserable here this morning but I need to take some jeans that I bought last week back to the shop, because I got the wrong length and they're too short!!! Bought some lovely court shoes with a nice heel in M&S, wore them for the first time Saturday evening and my feet kept slipping out of them so while I'm out, I'll need to buy some heel grips.

So lovely to have this thread to come onto and catch up as there was a lot of unpleasantness elsewhere on the estrangement forum over the weekend .

Have a good day everyone x

SparklyGrandma have a good recipe for apple cake if you would like it . Its an old recipe I have used since I married in 1981. It freezes and can be made with gluten free flour and you can't tell the difference between ordinary flour. Been tested by people and they couldn't tell the difference.

My damson tree produced damson for the first time last year it was 7 years old. This year produced damsons again but both years they where poor quality so left them for the birds.

My brother has an apple tree in his garden its very old and produces loads of apples . Bramley the best for cooking. He uses some but gives most away. Our dad would have made the excess into wine. He has an eating apple and pear trees on his allotment both laden with fruit.

Only grew tomatoes in my greenhouse this year . Crop was delicious but decided to give up, so my greenhouse is now storage for pots etc. Usually grow French beans and courgettes but didn't this year.

I want a mobility scooter so needed to clear out my garage. Will wait now until the sales in January to get it. It won't be for everyday use but allow me to go too Aldi and not need a taxi back plus go over a valley never me . Haven't been able to walk that far since coming out of hospital January 2025. Still use buses,trains and taxis and get about. I can still walk but have to pace myself as I do stupid thjngs like push myself to far and my chronic fatigue hit me the other week and floored me.

Why is it when I go on holiday I pace myself and plan exactly where I want to go and rest but home I think I am superwoman 🦸‍♀️ 😅.

Smiles any chance of a pic of Ziggy . Bet he has grown and hopefully given Poppy a relief from her grief. Sounds odd but even though not a pet owner I do think especially dogs do grieve and Poppy would be grieving for her brother. I know dogs grieve for their owners when they die.

Been buying new Christmas tree ornaments since the summer from Esty as decided to redo my tree this year . Some of my decs were over 40 years old but still good so taking them to my favourite charity shop after my flu jab on Friday.

Got all my Christmas cards ,advent cards for my 2 grandsons. I dont buy chocolate ones but there parents do. Got most Christmas parents either here or on order. Plus wrapping paper.

With friends we decided on just cards as we just buy what we want . My great nephew will have money. I will never see him in person but my niece sends me pics and updates on his adventures.

Getting colder so hope everyone wraps up and has their heating on.
Hugs to all.

Yogin some apple trees have a rest for a year or so, after giving a good harvest.
My gardener helped me on Thursday to take out my tired courgette plants, tomatoes and runner beans.

We’ve planted cabbages, swede and broccoli winter hardy plants.

Rolling on to C******, hoping for a lighter vibe around it, for everyone here.

My daughter laughs I and her boys have more active social life than she does. See them usually every 2 weeks it depends on what my grandsons have on of a weekend and if I am busy. But she checks up on me everyday. And even thought my choir is only round the corner from me I have to let her I am home. At least she has stopped asking if any stray cats followed me home. Its a choir where you don't have to be a good singer but love singing. No audition just asked if you sing high or low. So I am a Alto. I love it . Enough about me. Better go as my post keeps flicking.

Daughter went to high school she told us she would take her brother to and from school. My mother in law never visited again. Mom still came once a week .

My son and daughter in law have turned into my in laws. And my son doesn't know his grandfather as he died when he was few months old. But he knows how they both treated us. My son and daughter in law knows exactly how his grandmother treated us. I hated my mother in law for 40 years. But I still looked after her for 11 years after my husband died. In a way it was my revenge as everyone knew I looked after her so she couldn't slag me off.

I was brought up you don't turn your back on family. My husband love his parents but didn't like them. When they kicked off at us we walked out but still went back the next week. Sounds odd I know if I had my way we would never have saw them . But my husband would never give up on them . He got what he needed from my large extended family lots of love and attention. Things his own parents never gave him.

My mother in law after my husband died deigned she had a son ,2 grandchildren and refused to go too their weddings.

Her brother turned up after she died. Says a lot about her.

My daughter in law wrote on reddit father in law died to get away from mother in law. That sums up what sort of woman she became . She never knew my husband and he died in agony and unable to breath on full oxygen from cancer. I had to tell him to stop we would be ok he died few minutes later aged 47 at home in our bed with me and the children. They where 20&16.

When my son estranged not only me but all our side if the family he knew I was waiting for further tests on my heart as they found a problem. Turned out I was born with a hole in the side of my heart as well as my rare hereditary neurological condition. I have visible and invisible disabilities. But it didn't stop me being a hands on mom. When the limb jerks started when I was 29 I was a hands on mom . Only thing I couldn't do for years was go out by myself. When in a wheelchair so we could go out as a family. As our daughter was 4 years and son 6 months old when it started. Both moms took it in turns to take the children out . Once our