I hate my DIL and I don’t say that lightly!

Grabs rules ok. No you are not the only one that dud not know what SAHM meant, but I found after being chastised for not knowing by another poster for not reading posts correctly, It does makes the original post more baffling. Why travel 6 hours a day to be a child minder when theit own mother is there? I might go once a week to see grandchildren if asked though. That would be a pleasure all round. This is an old post, hopefully things are better. I do find all different abbreviations more trouble than they are worth. So TTFN.

@TerfGran

Your post stuck in my mind because your daughter in law sounds just like one of mine, and I've been wondering how you're getting on? So sorry that this happened to you. Hoping that you're doing OK 💐

I'm so sorry for your upset, TerfGran, what an awful situation for you and your husband. I hope you are supporting one another. Your son and grandchildren must be missing you both terribly, but your daughter-in-law sounds like a dictator who rules over them and they dare not disobey her. What an awful situation for them.

Only you and your husband know to what lengths you're prepared to go to in order to resume contact with them.

I wish you well and really hope you become reconciled with the family as soon as possible 🤗💐.

Thank you everyone for your comments of support and challenges.

We question ourselves constantly; could we have done better? Could we have shut up and put up for the sake of maintaining contact? What does the future look like for us?

Two weeks ago it was the youngest two children’s birthdays (2 days apart).
Nothing from my son, no thanks, no face time with the children!

We have just sent Easter eggs and cards to the children, because we did this every year. If there is no response I almost feel ready to say ‘I’m done, crack on with your life’

So sad about it all

I know, I haven't compared myself to the OP, I'm only explaining my own situation because posters have picked me up on things.

That's enough about me. I'm fine.

My thoughts are with TerfGran 💐.

In response to your posts, what you do, 3 miles each way is vastly removed from OP. I was very involved when mine were young, but I was younger to and able to do it, Because your situation suits you, well done, but others through age, distance, health issues or other factors cannot or are unable to be in your position. However close you are, children start to make friendships and have interests with people their own age and do all these different activities available now, our roles as grandparents shift back as it always has done.

Monica, I wouldn't say we "live in each other's pockets", that sounds overbearing. We spend time together by arrangement, I wouldn't dream of just turning up at their house, I don't invade their privacy and allow them to have family time on their own, just the four of them. Likewise, they don't turn up at ours unless we've arranged it, me and hubby enjoy spending time just the two of us.

I really hope that TerfGran comes to a mutually agreeable arrangement with her son and daughter-in-law to keep communication open so that visits with the grandchildren can be maintained 🤞.

Yes, you can be close in proximity but not close emotionally. My husband has four siblings living in our town, we don't see or hear from any of them.

TheSunRisesInTheEast

No, I didn't move, when my son married my daughter-in-law they moved about 3 miles away, it takes me 10 minutes to get to them and I'm available for babysitting whenever they need me - we're very close, not only in miles. OP has my sympathy, my family are my life, there are just 8 of us, me, hubby, my mum, two sons, daughter-in-law and two granddaughters. We spend a lot of time together, even holidays. It's not for everyone, but we love it. We all get along very well, no problems. Please don't call me smug, like I was called on Mumsnet, and left, I'm simply explaining my position.

No, you are not smug, but I get the feeling that you think a family as close as yours is will, by default, live in each others pockets as much as yours does.

But closeness can be expressed in many ways and at times that closeness is shown by the way families keep emotionally close together despite not living close to each other and despite none of them being able to say, as you do, 'my family is my life'.

No, I didn't move, when my son married my daughter-in-law they moved about 3 miles away, it takes me 10 minutes to get to them and I'm available for babysitting whenever they need me - we're very close, not only in miles. OP has my sympathy, my family are my life, there are just 8 of us, me, hubby, my mum, two sons, daughter-in-law and two granddaughters. We spend a lot of time together, even holidays. It's not for everyone, but we love it. We all get along very well, no problems. Please don't call me smug, like I was called on Mumsnet, and left, I'm simply explaining my position.

Sorry Sunrise It was unclear, take it you moved to be closer to your AC&GC, I agree with Allsorts not a good idea, especially if there is a bit of tension in the relationship. Also, they could decide to move elsewhere after a few years, leaving you stranded, you can't keep following them.

That was in reply to Allsorts, the post above my reply.

It had nothing to do with TerfGran's post, which I replied to on 15/3/26 at 10.54.

TheSunRisesInTheEast

I am that mother.

I travel 3 miles at 7am to give my grandchildren their breakfast and take them to school. I pick one up at 12.30pm and the other at 3.15pm. I play a big part in their upbringing around my son and daughter-in-law's working hours and I love it.

It goes down very well with my son and daughter-in-law 😉.

This hardly compares to Terfgrans situation; 3miles equates to about 5min drive! They are asked to drive 3hours there & 3 hours back to babysit for the day!

You wrote "he promised us that he would do everything he could to maintaint a relationship with us and enable us to have a relationship with the children" but you haven't seen the children since July.

Could you ask your son to please visit with the children for a weekend? Perhaps he would be frightened to do that IF his wife is physically and/or emotionally abusive. Women as well as men can bully and abuse as we all know..

She absolutely manipulated the situation, for most of the day she kept telling the toddler to go hug grandad, go sit with grandad as if she was priming my hubbie for something.

We had a fall out the previous year when she asked if we would look after the children for a couple of hours whilst she went out to meet friends. This turned into a full day during which we fed the children, entertained them, sorted out clothes for school in the morning and tidied up. The youngest was only 16 months old.

When she got back she went ape shit at me because I hadn’t emptied the kitchen bin or run the vacuum round!

She was told not for the first time that we are not staff!

There is a history of treating us like this and this summer was the last straw.

I haven’t criticised her parenting, the children are incredibly well looked after and happy, amazing and fearless!

Being a good parent doesn’t negate her behaviour towards us.

We buy shoes because we know it helps. My son has a well paid job but 4 children are expensive and they choose to live in a remote area that requires two cars to transport the family around to schools and numerous activities. Nearest town is 20 miles away!
They are bought into a lifestyle that she has (and I quote her) “manifested”

AuntieE this is exactly what we have done. We wrote to him shortly after the event and explained why we felt we could no longer accept the behaviour of DIL, nor their expectations of us in general. Several emails went between us and son, and I met him just before Christmas (again I did the journey in a day!)
Both son and I were very upset but I told him the worst that could happen, has, and therefore I had nothing to loose by telling him all that has gone on with DIL (whilst he has been at work) over the years and that I was no longer going to accept it.

He promised that he would do everything he could to maintain our relationship and enable us to have a relationship with the children.

3 months later, he has yet to call me. I call him. If she’s around I know because I get one word answers. The children FaceTime me from his phone if she’s not around but I haven’t seen them since July.

Hubbie and I are trying to be brave but we miss him and we miss those children and for this I hate her!

Your dil seems to be a manipulative abuser. Unfortunately, you son is the only person who can resolve this. I have a friend who has a similar dil. Dil has caused a lot of problems over the years. Again, if is up to their son to resolve the situation but he is unable to pluck up the courage.

Unfortunately we have done this for 11 years. We have smiled and nodded with all her batshit ideas, supported her when she has fallen out with various relatives on her side and dropped everything to go and look after the children when she’s had a migraine. I have taken time off work to go run her and the children around when her car was in the garage for a week. I have taken time off work to clean the house in preparation for moving (twice).

My son is run ragged with his job (consultant at a large hospital) and is often on call or has to work late with emergencies, but the minute he’s home he takes over completely with the children (as he should). So I do appreciate they have a busy life. But they chose to live away from family and they chose to have 4 children, and she chose to be a sahm.

Not once have they offered to help us, when my husband has had two heart attacks. When I was laid up with a cartilage transplant in my knee.

So quite frankly I’m done!

Understand your dilemma. I knew by certain things that had happened my dil was going to be trouble. We now have taken control by contact no conflict she knows the gran kids won’t be held up to us by ransom. I feel I have taken back control.

I’m sure you’ve thought of it already but it’s worth putting in the Will that any money should be held in a Trust until the grandchildren are xx age. My SIL did this because her daughter was an unpleasant/spiteful woman and we all knew she’d try and get her hands on any inheritance that was left to GC.

I am that mother.

I travel 3 miles at 7am to give my grandchildren their breakfast and take them to school. I pick one up at 12.30pm and the other at 3.15pm. I play a big part in their upbringing around my son and daughter-in-law's working hours and I love it.

It goes down very well with my son and daughter-in-law 😉.

AuntieE, very good pits, it says it all. As for a mother whose son is married with a wife and children saying move area because she cannot bear to be parted that's not likely to go down well with son or dil. You bring them up, then they move out and make their own lives, hopefully you can be part of it but you are not central anymore.

Barbos, your rebuke noted, but did you read it? The post was partlly about the fact of child cover one day a week when Dil proposes returning to work. Why would anyone do a six hour journey to do housework so a mother could play with her children? It is baffling to put it kindly.

InRainbows

Boundaries are important in any relationship, people must be taught to respect you.

When I was pregnant with our oldest child, both my mother and my mother in law said that they were too tired from being parents/grandparents and I should never ask them to baby-sit for me.

Well, why did they bitch about me not asking??

They set a boundary, I complied.