Abuse from daughter

sparkle1234

Gosh , if my mother had given me all that help and support she would have been cherished . ( she didn't but I cherished her anyway because I understood she wasn't able ) .
I think you need to walk away, no contact for a while . Hard it will be because of the children .
Your daughter sounds depressed , seriously has some mental health issues that need to be addressed but you've become her punchbag not her saviour . Walk away .

I do agree I can see she most likely has undiagnosed mental health issues; unfortunately she has had a rough time of it in the last few years, a very difficult relationship with the boys father that has resulted in three or four trips to court over Child arrangements orders, and ongoing abusive emails from him. she has just completed a degree (which I did help her with) and recently passed her driving test, so she has had some positives but a lot seems to have gone wrong recently including a car accident and then her new car needing extensive repairs which she can’t afford! plus the three boys, particularly the two younger ones, are very hard work! all that being said I would be more than happy to help her if she was just neutral even just civil. But she seems to just emotionally and mentally beat me to a pulp constantly.

I’m so sorry for your situation and not sure how much advice here will change things. Maybe you could discuss this with a doctor/counsellor or an advice service? As a carer, because that is what you are, contacting a carers’ organisation would definitely be useful. Our local one stopped me going under with despair on one horrendous occasion.
I understand why you still want to support the children and I have a colleague who babysits her GC without being in the same room as her AC. One walks in the other walks out, no communication that isn’t essential. The GC is told to phone any time to get help and has done on occasion. Also she is prepared to take the GC if needed.
Physical abuse is unacceptable- you would be within your rights to inform the police and should inform SS/school in confidence if you are worried about the children. If you feel you could be firm with your daughter, or her sisters would intercede, I’d tell her your decision and conditions when you’re certain what they are and then leave the decision to her. For me that would include no abuse, physical or verbal, if she wants your help she keeps her opinions to herself. If not, tell the children your position and let them know you love them and will always want to see them if they can.
Your daughter sounds as if she may have serious MH problems and you stopping supporting her may bring issues to a head and could in the long run be a good thing.
You and your ex need to look after yourselves, try to present a united front to your daughter, she can’t be allowed to bully and divide you. Very best wishes for the future.

You have such a kind heart jenpax. In spite of everything, here you are telling us what you D's been through and how much she's achieved which is of course admirable, but you must start taking care of yourself.

I wasn't aware or maybe I'd forgotten about your ex's problems but even so, he shouldn't expect you to tolerate your D's behaviour just because he's prepared to do so.

I am also sorry for your situation but you have obviously let your daughter walk all over you for some time. I am horrified at the way she talks to you no respect whatsoever. Can’t ever imagine saying things like that to my mother I would still be seeing stars now.
I would quite honestly step away and let her sort out all her own problems by all means tell your grandchildren you will always be there for them but your daughter needs to take responsibility for her own life and her disgusting attitude.
As for your ex he can do what he likes

Netherbyg84

is this generated by AI? I find it hard to believe this is a genuine poster. Everything but the kitchen sink has been thrown in.

I think it is absolutely real, as it is something that has happened to me, almost exactly the same in fact except that it was me that threw her out of the house after she did this to me ... she maintains that it wasn't her that had stamped on my shin 4 times one after the other, but it was the dog that had jumped off the bed onto my leg ... she lied and has NEVER admitted it since sadly. We get on ok since she had children but since her sister committed suicide, I'd have thought she might appreciate me a little more, and help me - but not really, it's a battle if I need her help ... but she'll help anyone else who needs it!

@jenpax - tell her to take a hike! I'm sure the grandchildren can see what she is like, as do your other children. You don't need her!

Some dound advice here jenpax. Most definitely pull away from your daughter,
her sisters clearly do. Very difficult when you want to be there for your grandchildren - I fully understand that.
Somehow a way has to be found to support your GC but keep a distance from your daughter. Easier said than done! I send you strength and good luck.

rosie1959

I am also sorry for your situation but you have obviously let your daughter walk all over you for some time. I am horrified at the way she talks to you no respect whatsoever. Can’t ever imagine saying things like that to my mother I would still be seeing stars now.
I would quite honestly step away and let her sort out all her own problems by all means tell your grandchildren you will always be there for them but your daughter needs to take responsibility for her own life and her disgusting attitude.
As for your ex he can do what he likes

I agree my parents would no way have tolerated any level of abuse in the way that I have. I suppose I feel partly guilty that I wasn’t able to give her a happier more prosperous childhood, and I can see that the children are a struggle and I don’t want her to struggle like I did, but equally she’s actually sending me to an early grave with the way she talks to me the effect it’s had on my mental health and even I have to be honest with my physical health. I had to retire early from my job last year because of the strain of helping care for the children and for the way that she treats me, I have felt backed into a corner. She’s now saying that she wants nothing to do with me anyway and I will never be seeing the children again. They’re still quite little, at least two of them are, and I worry that they’ll forget how much their grandma loved them.

I am so sorry jenpax. You did your best when your daughter was young so don’t need to feel any guilt now. Do not allow her to bully you. Her abuse is totally unacceptable.
Your older gs is more than aware of how much you do and he
can come to you presumably so you won’t lose touch.
Your ex husband can carry on if he wishes but for your own good, you need to keep a distance.

jenpax Assaulting you is actually putting you in serious danger and if she does worse and injures you further you will be no help or support to your grandchildren will you. Physical assaults once started usually escalate especially if the perpetrator gets away with it.

I think you should report her to the police but I do understand your reluctance. She needs consequences for such behaviour if only to try and push her into seeking the help she clearly needs.

Some options to consider, not individually - more than one is needed- might be:

1. Ensure the 16 year old has your phone number and email. Tell him that at any time if he needs you OR his younger siblings need you he must immediately get in touch

2. Contact SS and tell them about the physical assault. I think that her behaviour is endangering you but also there is a serious possibility of it endangering her children; you need to tell SS that real concern. SS have to get involved if children are in danger and the behaviour you describe particularly losing control to the point of physical assault IS putting them in danger. There is a clear possibility she will lose control with them too

3. Certainly say you will look after them/home school them at your own house. If you pick them up do it at her front door not going inside. If dropping off do the same.

4. If she drops off and/or picks up pass over on the door step. Do not let her come in.

5. Refuse to engage in her verbal assaults; just walk away from them. Don't engage in conversation with her atall regarding her accusations and rudeness. Don't feed her desire to bully you into submission taking all her anger out on you.

6. Talk to her siblings/your other AC and be honest about what she has done to you. Ask for their advice and help in dealing with this, even from a distance

7. Tall to your ex about exactly what is happening including the physical assault. Tell him there is no point pressuring you because in the end letting her get away with this behaviour is doingd rhe no good. Talk about tough love -that is what is needed.

.As I said I think the police should be informed; if you can't face that at least please consider some of the above. You must prioritise your own wellbeing alongside your grandchildren's well being. 💐

OMG MadeInYorkshire that's so awful, I don't know what else to say .

Your ex husband can carry on if he wishes but for your own good, you need to keep a distance.
Agreed, silverlining.

He'll just gave to step up and do more, won't he. Does she abuse her father too?

Madgran, well summarised.

I think most of us are in agreement, jenpax and now it is up to you to be strong and tell her how things will be from now on.

I am afraid you will do nothing, you have let yourself be verbally and physically abused and just be a punchbag, your gc see this daily, that's damaging, your husband has mental health problems, how is he fit to help anyway. He is your ex. They will be scarred by this, she needs reporting to ss. I said this to you ages ago, tell her unless she respects you and stops the abuse you wont be coming round any more because you are just enabling her. I would tell the school what has been happening and that you won’t be around you need to walk away. You will never have a relationship with her anyway. Your grandchildren shouldn't be in such a home.

Allsorts

I am afraid you will do nothing, you have let yourself be verbally and physically abused and just be a punchbag, your gc see this daily, that's damaging, your husband has mental health problems, how is he fit to help anyway. He is your ex. They will be scarred by this, she needs reporting to ss. I said this to you ages ago, tell her unless she respects you and stops the abuse you wont be coming round any more because you are just enabling her. I would tell the school what has been happening and that you won’t be around you need to walk away. You will never have a relationship with her anyway. Your grandchildren shouldn't be in such a home.

I have told the school and SS and previously called the police unfortunately I got nowhere with any of it. I have felt isolated and abandoned and mistrustful that services will actually step up. The assault took place with the children at school so they at least were unaware. They do know that their mother has a low opinion of me which I know they struggle with, the eldest lived with me for a time when he was small and she wasnt coping then, so he is close to me but I try to keep him out of it as he is still young and should not be exposed to it. He has a mobile contract which I pay for and can contact me (and does) the 8 year old while not having a phone knows his brother has one and I suspect the smaller one does too. I have told her that I am not willing to be a whipping boy any longer and have with stood the threats and pleadings today. I am more than aware that an abuse dynamic is awful for children and i have been trying to balance their various needs as best I can. Hopefully she will step forward and get extra help if I am no longer around to prop her up. As I said despite what looks like a successful life career car house she is clearly unable to cope without that help

Go back to the police and to Social Services. Speak to the school they can speak to SS too if they think there is emotional abuse.

You need to keep on at SS and keep on at police- I know its exhausting and you are worn down (understandably) but please dont give up. 💐

Well done for ignoring the threats and pleading today. Stay strong and go back to the police and SS with that same strength

Smileless2012

OMG MadeInYorkshire that's so awful, I don't know what else to say .

Thank you, hopefully it's all forgotten now, BUT I do find it really sad that I can't fully trust her anymore. The police got involved in it - a friends son came over because he heard it, and he acted as a witness on her behalf. Months later, I was called in and had to give an interview under caution - turns out the CPS wanted to prosecute ME! There wasn't a mark on her, and in fact my leg still hadn't healed; it took nearly a year for the bruise to go, it ended up sort of going down into my toes. My leg still isn't right 10 years later! There's a weakness in the skin there, and as I'm diabetic I really have to be careful that I don't knock it or let the dog catch me there.

It was a horrible time. She was lucky that my best friend took her in, but that ruined our friendship as she didn't want to take sides, and it was her son that had given evidence against me. During a row they had a couple of years later, my friend actually heard him shout at her that he lied to the police for her! My daughter has a very close relationship with her - we are now both disabled, but if she calls for help, my daughter is there asap, but will do anything she can to get out of doing much for me!

We didn't talk for maybe 2 years, but then when she got pregnant, I think my friend told her that she must stop being silly and get in touch, which she did and we made a cautious peace for the sake of my granddaughter/s; things are much much better now ...

For your own safety I don't think you should be behind closed doors with your daughter. As has been mentioned above, any collecting/delivering of your GC should take place on the doorstep. Don't give her the opportunity to abuse and insult you. This should also tell your daughter that you fear for physical and emotional safety and that you do not want to interact with her.

You need to go see your GP ASAP and tell her everything.
Cry if possible.
All the best.

Netherbyg84

is this generated by AI? I find it hard to believe this is a genuine poster. Everything but the kitchen sink has been thrown in.

No, jenpax has frequently posted on GN.

@Jenpax She’s now saying that she wants nothing to do with me anyway and I will never be seeing the children again

THIS is the point at which you must inform social services she is physically violent to family, so thst they can intervene to protect the children.

Her verbal and physical violence is clearly out of control. Without you to blame, target and use as whipping boy, the children might be next.

Your initial post was very long - please use paragraphs!

I have every sympathy for you .
I'm sad to say that your story isn't unique .
One of my friends now has daughter's six children living with her and she's not allowed to interact with them .
She endures constant verbal abuse from their mother.
She comes home from work and retreats to her bedroom with her supper creeping out to bathroom and watching TV quietly .
The house is up for sale and when it's sold she'll probably never see her again.

The thing is - it's eating away at you making you deeply unhappy and depressed .
It will make you physically ill and undermine your immune system.

Stop helping your ungrateful daughter
.
She's taking her frustrations out on you.
You are a punch bag.
Step away and have a holiday from it all .

I'm wishing you luck in this horrible situation.

Whatever you do for her she will be horrible to you. She sounds awful. Our children are independent people and unfortunately we aren't guaranteed to get on with them. My own daughter called me toxic (because of a prior long-running quarrel involving her little girl) and said I wouldn't be welcome in her house. After the quarrel they all went off to live in Brazil where her sleazy husband comes from. I was close to the little girl and it was like grieving for someone even though she is alive and well in Brazil. It's taken a few years but I've learned to live with this - I looked after the little girl, on my own, for two full days a week then afternoons after she went to nursery, and was already in my late sixties. I had little thanks for this - was just once late to their house and was treated worse than a hired help (though they never offered me any money) and shouted at.

If you're close to the grandchildren they will come of their own accord to see you later. It's perhaps guilt, or a feeling that things should be perfect, that makes you feel you have to do everything for your daughter. Leave her alone - she may or may not come back to you but whatever happens won't be your fault. If your ex is close to her it sounds as though she will also try to drive a wedge between you. People like her have to have discord - unfortunately it seems to give them a reason to be alive.

Walk away - this is totally unacceptable.

Your eldest GS is old enough to see you independently.

If you’re worried about the younger children, then contact social services, re safeguarding. .

If she hits you again, then report her to the police - that’ll wake her up, I expect.

She’s an adult, and needs to take responsibility for her actions.

Talk to your other daughters for support. Your ex sounds worse than useless.

Netherbyg84

is this generated by AI? I find it hard to believe this is a genuine poster. Everything but the kitchen sink has been thrown in.

If you’re suspicious of a name you don’t recognise, use the search function.
Plus the fact that BOT would have used more paragraphs.
That’s one thing they are good at.

Ma'am I know you love your daughter and her kids but it's time to cut ties. I'm struggling with my only daughter cutting me off of her life for reasons I don't know. If she had behaved one time in that way...she would no longer be in my life. I imagine you were a near perfect mother. But where does she get off treating you like that. Hitting you should have been the line that you never cross. She is showing her children how to behave and that's not fair to them or you. Get professional advice but anyone will tell you to quit your relationship until something drastic happens. She needs help. I pray she gets help or you get help before she hurts you in a way that is permanent.