Hello, I’ll try to keep this as brief as possible. Our son is married with 3 children. His wife has increasingly appeared to form a wedge between us in various ways. In August last year we invited our 3 children and their families to a weekend in an apartment hotel that we have paid for to celebrate my 60th birthday. We discussed where to go with all the children and chose a place that is not too far for anyone to travel to, but actually closest to him. It would take him about an hour to get there and us and our other two children about two and a half hours. The trip is now next weekend and yesterday he rang to say he can’t come because his wife has arranged to help with a school activity on one of the days and he has no one to look after the dog. My husband was very upset on the phone and told him it isn’t fair to let us down at this stage. We have already paid for our son’s 3 bedroom apartment for two nights. He swore at my husband and put the phone down. We are terribly upset but actually I have been worried for months that he would do this because I am positive his wife wouldn’t have wanted to come. We really wanted to have all of our children and grandchildren together, which hasn’t happened for 4 years. He always makes an excuse (he hasn’t come to the last two christenings). We have done nothing that we know of to upset him and have always been very supportive both emotionally and financially. He is now very comfortably off and always going away for weekends and on holiday (he’s just come back from skiing over Christmas) so he isn’t worried about petrol money or any financial aspect of the weekend. My husband now says he wants nothing more to do with our son, although this is all very raw and feelings may change.
Any advice would be welcome.
I know how you feel I’ve three sons but the middle one makes very little effort. I’ve just pushed it to the back of my mind he didn’t even turn up for my retirement presentation which he was invited too.
Madgran77
*Norah Cutting losses with dil, not son. OP will always love and adore her son.*
But his behaviour in dealing with this suggests that cutting losses with DiL coukd easily become Estrangement from her son! Relationships are not simplistic
Why is dil always assumed at fault?
Perhaps self reflection would help solve this simple problem?
Gran22boys
Your son is afraid of her and knows you know it. He sounds depressed. Nothing is worse than forced social situations. Maybe he just agreed to it because he knew it was what you wanted. His being rude was the only way he could deal with it at the time. His wife probably doesn’t want to play happy families. I cannot think of anything worse than having a holiday with lots of relatives. You are treating them as if they were young children.
This was not an ordinary holiday. It was a one off weekend to celebrate a significant birthday. Of course OP wants all of her family to be there. It really is not unreasonable to want your family to join you to mark milestone birthdays and anniversaries. OP chose a location that would be convenient and gave everyone plenty of notice but DIL went ahead and planned something else for that weekend. I would have been very hurt and very angry
Hithere
"He always makes an excuse (he hasn’t come to the last two christenings). "
This is your answer. Do not blame your dil.
He is an adult making his own decisions
Yes, son is making his own decisions.
OP doesn't like the timing and money wasted.
Norah Why is dil always assumed at fault? Perhaps self reflection would help solve this simple problem?
In this particular case the OP has described quite clearly the situation including an unhappy marriage that her son confided to her and other events that have suggested to her that her DiL doesnt want to engage etc
Assumptions made about DiLs "always" being blamed are not relevant in this particular situation. It is clear that both are behaving badly.
- Her by arranging to help with something else on a booked date. Who else exactly is "at fault" in that one?
- Him by not either saying they didnt want to come or telling his wife her behaviour in double booking is inappropriate and to sort it
On the basis of her very thoughtful honest and reasoned posts just exactly what is the OP supposed to be "self reflecting" on?
Or her son could have a proper discussion about why he doesn't want to come if that is the case.
He might be making his own decisions but not exactly in an adult way!
Madgran77
*Norah Why is dil always assumed at fault? Perhaps self reflection would help solve this simple problem?*
In this particular case the OP has described quite clearly the situation including an unhappy marriage that her son confided to her and other events that have suggested to her that her DiL doesnt want to engage etc
Assumptions made about DiLs "always" being blamed are not relevant in this particular situation. It is clear that both are behaving badly.
- Her by arranging to help with something else on a booked date. Who else exactly is "at fault" in that one?
- Him by not either saying they didnt want to come or telling his wife her behaviour in double booking is inappropriate and to sort it
On the basis of her very thoughtful honest and reasoned posts just exactly what is the OP supposed to be "self reflecting" on?
I read her "thoughtful post" differently. I suspect from her own words, OP is judging dil, and pushed "Happy Family Holiday" which didn't make outsiders happy at all.
Who was looking after the dog originally? has that arrangement fallen through? otherwise why has he made that one of the issues about coming? The fact that his wife is helping out at a school activity are the children involved in that? Perhaps you could text and say you are sorry they are unable to join you all as it would have been lovely to see them all but perhaps they could join you for lunch or a walk on the other day leave the ball in their court and communication lines open.
Smileless2012
No Astitchintime the OP's son, wife and children were supposed to be going which is why a 3 bedroom apartment was booked and paid for, by the OP and her husband.
Her d.i.l. knowing that this was booked arranged to help with a school event so she couldn't go and now they're unable to find someone to look after the dog, despite having known about the event since last August!!!
So, Smileless, who was looking after the dog originally? That’s what was confusing me.
Sounds like they never intended going in the first place, regardless of who was responsible ultimately for that decision
I read her "thoughtful post" differently. I suspect from her own words, OP is judging dil, and pushed "Happy Family Holiday" which didn't make outsiders happy at all
Based on what? .
It’s obvious the OP and her dil don’t get on, so perhaps the thought of a whole weekend (Friday to Monday?) together just got too much for them to face as it got closer. I think I can understand that.
A pity they couldn’t just come for the day or just one special dinner.Too late to suggest that?
Someone else mentioned that there is nothing to stop son and the children going alone and leaving DIL to look after the dog and do whatever else she had planned to do.
As someone plagued by similar family tensions I am now questioning whether to book a similar holiday for a significant birthday next year. It was tense enough having them here for Christmas... sometimes there is no point in flogging a dead horse. I might just book a place and go away with friends instead...
Agree eddiecat78
So many posts on here are from parents/grandparents who feel very hurt and angry about the way they have been treated yet they seem to get the blame.
I just wonder how the OPs son would feel if it was his milestone birthday and he had spent ages organising and paying for it and then his parents or one of his siblings bailed out with a lame excuse or organised something else for that timeframe. I imagine he would feel hurt and angry too, because that is a normal human response to this. And last time I checked parents/grandparents are human too.
It’s obvious the OP and her dil don’t get on, so perhaps the thought of a whole weekend (Friday to Monday?) together just got too much for them to face as it got closer. I think I can understand that.
Yes there is a clear possibility that for whatever reason relationship between the OP and DiL are strained! However it's hardly helped by the lack of direct communication about not wanting to go. Strained relationships is not an excuse for being rude and letting someone spend a load of money they dont need to.
...and if it became too much as it got nearer then they should take responsibility for that and pay back the cost for them or if they cant then at least apologise for the unnecessary cost to his parents.
As far as I can see no possible scenario, strained relationships or anything else justifies or excuses the rude thoughtless poor behaviour!
I don’t disagree. It’s very rude.
I thought perhaps there might still be time for a partial solution if the OP really wants her family together for her special occasion.
Sometimes it’s about making the best you can out of a bad job🙁
my son was married to a control freak who tried every which way to keep him from us . Notice I say was married; she eventually pushed him to the limit and now has a nice lady and a daughter. I always kept up some contact with him, she still tries to control him, but it is wearing thin now. She treats her own family like dirt, so he's better off away from her. Good luck
Lathyrus3
I don’t disagree. It’s very rude.
I thought perhaps there might still be time for a partial solution if the OP really wants her family together for her special occasion.
Sometimes it’s about making the best you can out of a bad job🙁
Yes Latghrus I agree it could be a compromise solution if her son/DiL are willing 😏
Susie, I am so sorry you have been let down by your son and Dil . I am afraid you have to let them go, you enjoy your birthday with your other children and family, please don't let their thoughtless and very rude behaviour spoil your day. Just the fact that you are a mother or mil automatically brings out hateful, judgemental comments by some on here, just ignored them They have shown you what they think of family, that's down to them not you. You haven't distanced,m they have, just be yourself. Your husband might soften his attitude, but you can see his point, they have hurt you and that hurts him. I know for sure had my husband been alive he wouldn't have stood for the treatment and nonsense that I did. Some peopIe, not nice ones, distance when money comes along, somehow new friends and interests preferable to family. It is their loss as well as yours but they don't know it. You be yourself with those who love and appreciate you, the balls well and truly in their court.
Lathyrus3
I don’t disagree. It’s very rude.
I thought perhaps there might still be time for a partial solution if the OP really wants her family together for her special occasion.
Sometimes it’s about making the best you can out of a bad job🙁
Agreed.
OP asked for advice, not to be told her son is rude. Perhaps she could invite him to come along to the hotel, say nothing, be polite.
Making best could turn pleasant if there was no tension.
OP, your son doesn’t sound like he has much integrity.
First, there is much speculation about your DIL but nothing besides assumptions in your posts. You blame her for your son not wanting the same relationship with you after his marriage, but men are not mindless drones unable to make their own decisions. I find these types of assumptions without actual proof incredibly sexist. Men can go to war, run companies, run countries, but their wives control their relationships with their mothers? It’s a the go-to when we are in denial about when our own children want more distance than we want to believe.
Second, what kind of man runs to his mummy to slag off his wife? A parent should not play marriage counselor to her son or daughter. It’s as appropriate as you confiding in him about your marriage. Do you speak with your son about your marriage? Of course not. When adults marry, they should not share private marital issues with other relatives behind the backs of their spouses. I would never allow my son or my daughter to sit and gossip with me about their spouse. It’s horrible. A parent will never be objective in that situation and your opinion of the spouse will forever be changed. Marital counselors exist for this very reason. Healthier to be in front of each other discussing issues with a neutral party, which you will never be.
It should come as no surprise that man who would slag off his wife behind her back to his family would pull out of a trip a week before. Your son can’t seem to think beyond his own feelings, and whatever the reason for him not wanting to go he should have been honest about not wanting to go a long time ago. This distance wasn’t created over night. I am willing to bet he never wanted to go at all. He gave a pathetic excuse, and after bashing his wife to you he also has a perfect scapegoat. I hope he reimburses you for the trip. Hopefully he has at least some decency there.
Your husband’s reaction was infantile. Give space and let things settle. When heads cool, ask your son privately without mentioning his wife or your husband why he has distanced over the years.
If I read the OPs post correctly she stated that her son seemed very keen to go on the weekend and mentioned it several times in conversation. He has to live with your difficult DIL and loves his children, it's sometimes easier to go along with things than having massive rows. He is between a rock and a hard place but he is a mature adult and could, if he wanted to, come with the children and leave his wife to do her own thing. Enjoy your weekend with the rest of your family but say nothing further and be as pleasant to him as you usually are. However, I would not include him or his family in any other special occasions and if asked why I would say (nicely) that we accept and respect its not something you want to do and leave it at that. He should reimburse you but I don't think I would mention that either, let it go for the sake of your relationship with your son and grandchildren.
It’s bad manners from your son and his wife, at this late stage.
Your son should grow a pair and attend on his own. His wife is obviously dictating the terms.
But, other than that, you’ll have to let them get on with it. 🤷♀️
A good post Smudgie. It's true what you say about the OP's son being between a rock and a hard place and of course he could go with the children if he wanted too, his wife doesn't have to be involved if she doesn't want to be but unfortunately it doesn't seem to work that way.
The last time I saw our ES face to face, I was on the doorstep of their house and because she knew I was there, she was slamming doors, cursing and swearing despite their baby son being in the house.
The last thing he ever said to me was "we mustn't do this, it causes too much trouble".
The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world.
I don’t know any men who would go against their wife’s wishes. I really don’t.
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