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Hello, I’ll try to keep this as brief as possible. Our son is married with 3 children. His wife has increasingly appeared to form a wedge between us in various ways. In August last year we invited our 3 children and their families to a weekend in an apartment hotel that we have paid for to celebrate my 60th birthday. We discussed where to go with all the children and chose a place that is not too far for anyone to travel to, but actually closest to him. It would take him about an hour to get there and us and our other two children about two and a half hours. The trip is now next weekend and yesterday he rang to say he can’t come because his wife has arranged to help with a school activity on one of the days and he has no one to look after the dog. My husband was very upset on the phone and told him it isn’t fair to let us down at this stage. We have already paid for our son’s 3 bedroom apartment for two nights. He swore at my husband and put the phone down. We are terribly upset but actually I have been worried for months that he would do this because I am positive his wife wouldn’t have wanted to come. We really wanted to have all of our children and grandchildren together, which hasn’t happened for 4 years. He always makes an excuse (he hasn’t come to the last two christenings). We have done nothing that we know of to upset him and have always been very supportive both emotionally and financially. He is now very comfortably off and always going away for weekends and on holiday (he’s just come back from skiing over Christmas) so he isn’t worried about petrol money or any financial aspect of the weekend. My husband now says he wants nothing more to do with our son, although this is all very raw and feelings may change.
Any advice would be welcome.
Probably because they're not estranged so have no idea what it's like Allsorts and Madgran.
Exactly eazybee cancelling so late and swearing at his father are the cause of concern.
Allsorts
Why do some appear ton think that when your son or daughter leaves home and makes a life of their own, you resign yourself to no contact.
Quite, Allsorts! Does not make sense to me atall!
If there was a school activity on the Saturday it would have been arranged last term and they would have known the date, and could have presented a cast-iron excuse in good time.
It is the late notification of non-attendance that is the cause for concern, and the son's rudeness to his father rather than an apology that is at issue.
It is clear they do not wish to participate in family events which is their choice, but they could at least make this clear before preparations are made. Equally, parents have to accept that not all family members want or enjoy large extended family gatherings.
Why do some appear ton think that when your son or daughter leaves home and makes a life of their own, you resign yourself to no contact.
Norah They're all judging DS, attempting to control, imo
Or they are a family who are worried about him and trying to maintain contact because his behavior has changed quite drastically and he appears to be behaving out of character.
Trying to work out why because one is worried is not "judging"! It is a way of trying to work out a way forward in a relationship. They may or may not be getting it wrong but it's not "judging" to try!
Madgran77
*Norah Or maybe wishing to be under less parental control*
There is nothing that the OP has said that even vaguely suggests parental control
His father is quite entitled to express his feelings about such a last minute cancellation caused apparently by his DiL arranging something on a date that has been in the diary for sometime and which they had agreed to attend. That isnt "parental control" either!
OP In the last two years he has gradually withdrawn a lot from both us as parents and his siblings, who are both really upset. As a family we have wondered if he is depressed and tried to come up with options, but he has rejected all approaches, for example suggestions from his brother of a boys weekend away walking and canoeing (which they both love to do). Last Summer his brother and family went on holiday close to where they live especially to try to see him and let the children see each other. He saw them for one afternoon but was withdrawn and left when his wife said they should go home. My other son was exasperated and didn’t know what to do.
^"He always makes an excuse (he hasn’t come to the last two christenings).
They're all judging DS, attempting to control, imo.
He could pay for his room, he agreed to come along but changed his mind. OP is not at fault for DS change of plans.
If it’s a school activity, at least one of the children is probably involved, so it’s not just the Dil arranging something else on purpose. It could be a genuine balancing act where the children have been put first.
Probably I would have told my children they had to stick to the prior arrangement but there again it depends on the age and the importance of the activity.
But I do think it’s a bit unfair to make it sound as if she’s off on some kind of jolly to please herself. School activities rarely equal pleasure for adults.
Norah Or maybe wishing to be under less parental control
There is nothing that the OP has said that even vaguely suggests parental control
His father is quite entitled to express his feelings about such a last minute cancellation caused apparently by his DiL arranging something on a date that has been in the diary for sometime and which they had agreed to attend. That isnt "parental control" either!
Susie1183. There are some thoughtless often nasty people on here. You are very hurt, and so is your husband. Ignore these posts, try and carry on with the company and love of the rest of your family. Take some happy photos, enjoy those grandchildren while they are young. Life will go on and work out. We are on here to help you through, not criticise.
I haven't seen anything from the OP to suggest that there's any parental control, but enough that would be reason for her son to feel guilty and maybe should be Norah.
Or just stressed out trying to please everyone. Being in the middle is not easy.
Smileless2012
Or maybe feeling guilty
.
Perhaps. Or maybe wishing to be under less parental control.
Or maybe feeling guilty .
Your son was wrong to swear at your husband.
Perhaps indicating relationship difficulties between H and DS?
Apologies, I seem to have missed that - and yet ibre-read it to check!
🙄
Sorry.
He swore at my husband and put the phone down.
In the original post, at the top of every page.
BlessedArt No need to project one’s own situations on to the OP
And no need to make incorrect assumptions about a posters "own situation" either!
put then put the
It's in the OP NotSpaghetti He swore at my husband and put then 'phone down.
Presumably you and your H would have said 'no' to any invitations when they were issued and not cancelled at the last minute because you decided to be 'busy' and there was no one to look after your dog, if you had one.
So true Underscore. I would not have wanted a holiday of any sort with my in-laws.
We did, however go to one for their 40th wedding anniversary. We did not have to take the children as they were older by then.
The "all-family" holidays do need to be carefully negotiated though I think if they are to be successful.
Did the daughter-in-law ever know this was happening?
Had he spoken to her about it?
easybee I don't see anything about swearing at his father.
Just saying.
No need to project one's own situation on to the OP maybe you could give that a try BlessedArt.
Referring to the OP's son as a prince is offensive not just to the OP but to her son. The tone deafness comes from those who automatically point the finger at the m.i.l., despite what we've been told, and I question the intent of your narrative which always appears to be against the mothers and m's.i.l. in these situations.
No need to project one’s own situations on to the OP. Every situation involving a mother falling out with her son elicits the same “coercive control” response’s from the same posters who seem to think their situations are the same as the OP. It’s tone deaf. No evidence whatsoever that this “prince” is being controlled by anyone but himself. Just because a mother dislikes her Dil, justified or not, doesn’t mean her grown man of a son is being controlled. Even lacking the character to be honest and upright in dealings with family is no proof of “coercive control”. I question the intent behind the constant pushing of this narrative. It certainly cannot be to help, constantly accusing total strangers of horrific behaviour with no evidence whatsoever besides a few posts on a public forum that do not indicate anything but speculation. Projecting one’s own trauma never healed anyone. It never helped to avoid an estrangement.
It was rude and inconsiderate for your son and DIL to cancel so late.
On a separate but related issue, family holidays organised by Grandparents can be interpreted differently by each of the involved parties. My inlaws organised a very similar family holiday to celebrate a milestone birthday. They paid for their three kids and partners and grandchildren to go. We all attended, but my husband, myself, and our teenage children did not enjoy ourselves. The location, accommodation, food, and activities were all chosen by our inlaws. This is fair enough because they were paying, but none of them were things that we would have chosen for ourselves. We also had to cancel our usual weekend activities to attend, and although there is no bad blood between anyone, my husband and I do not share many interests with the rest of his family. The cousins don't share interests either. My inlaws had a wonderful time which we are happy about, but they talked about the weekend as something special that they were doing for us. From our perspective, however, it was something that we did for them. I am not saying this to excuse the behaviour of OP's son (he did the wrong thing). I am only saying this to point out that parents and their adult children may perceive the same situation quite differently.
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