Reconciliation may have brought some answers, but no closure

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

When I see potential drug misuse, alcohol misuse, a life of colleagues and friends suddenly absent... I don't see personality change, I see trauma, suffering, poor mental health.

That's not to say that Portrait should put up with anything damaging from her daughter just that, potentially this is a situation her daughter could recover from. Disliking a behaviour is fine, disliking a person in general... That's not a loving relationship. Empathy dislikes the behaviour, not the person, empathy sees the struggle.

Iam, your posts miss the point. If you have been used for years and abused by your child, the child a grown woman, who uses drugs and alcohol, would you want their company, only if you are a whipping dog. The daughter is back, not because she missed her family and is sorry but she has burnt her boats and no one else will put up with her.
Portrait, despite misgiving has accepted her back but it’s not to say its easy. If the right opportunity came along no doubt dear daughter would be off like a shot. The situation wont last long as something will give.
I have nil tolerance to drugs so i wouldn't have her in my house if she wasn't clean.
Maybe she will surprise you all, anyone can change but only if they admit to their failings and works really hard on being the oerson they know they can be.

I think we can love family members, but not like them or their behaviour at times.

All pretty normal. 🤷‍♀️

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Ah, that's my lived experience and no, I did not feel loved.

Yes I would. I can love someone warts and all.

Smileless2012

It is possible to love someone even though you don't like them NiceDream which comes across in Portrait's OP, and is often the case with parents who have been estranged and the AC who estranged them.

Not a sense of duty but an act love despite the very real possibility that they will be estranged again.

Hi. Sorry, I said "It is next to impossible to have a loving relationship with". A relationship has 2 people in it.

If someone said to you, "I love you but I don't like you" Would you feel truly loved?

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

'an act of love'

It is possible to love someone even though you don't like them NiceDream which comes across in Portrait's OP, and is often the case with parents who have been estranged and the AC who estranged them.

Not a sense of duty but an act love despite the very real possibility that they will be estranged again.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

We were her biggest supporters in life

Would you say that you spoilt her?
That seems to be a bit of a reoccurence on these types of threads.

Irrelevant to the OP IamAI.

Does your daughter have a diagnosis of ADHD? To get the medication? People with ADHD don't lack empathy but it can be a bit of an "out of sight out of mind" problem.

I ask because, if she has been diagnosed, that might enable you to look into it and discover ways to make the relationship easier for you both. The way you describe her does fit the diagnosis.

It's also, well, next to impossible to have a loving relationship with someone you don't like. Try and focus on what you do like about her, I think if you don't, you can't really give that real support, you will only be fulfilling a duty and that will lead to pain for both of you.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

I agree Crossstitchfan because it appears that the only reason the OP's D has contacted her parents having estranged them is because she has hit 'rock bottom'.

DARVO

*"I really hoped hitting rock bottom would help her change back into being an empathatic and caring person. But as long as she ..."*

I can't quite place why, but it was really unnerving to see a parent talk about their kid in this way.

I can sort of understand your concern but I think the parents were thinking ‘the only way is up’! It’s a desperate worry for them.

This is a sad, but not uncommon, story. I do sympathise with you and your husband.
Of all the problems that are difficult to treat, drug taking is one of the worst. I know that as a retired Border Force officer. Stopping taking drugs is so hard. Almost impossible without professional help, and well nigh impossible if the drug-taker doesn’t want to stop. Your daughter clearly wants to continue taking them, so nothing you say or do will change that. Until, and if, she has a change of heart, she will continue in this vein.
There is nothing you can do to change her. Even if she swears she is clean, you probably shouldn’t believe her. People seldom come off drugs without massive help from a professional, and even then, they need to want to.
So, what can you do? Apart from being there for her, not a lot. Her doctor who prescribes the drugs will not discuss her with you. That said, I would be inclined to write him a letter laying out your concerns and asking if he can do anything at all to help. He might be able to persuade her to speak to a therapist where she can talk about her hang ups, why she needs drugs etc. The therapist might have a way to help, but if your daughter doesn’t want to be helped, that’s another story.
All you can do is support her as best you can, be there for her, don’t criticise her or try to make her change. You are doing the right thing not deserting her. She is lucky to have good parents and believe me, there is nothing you have done to cause this so do not blame yourselves. Over the years I have dealt with many youngsters (mainly females) who took drugs. It always amazed me how many came from affluent homes and/or close-knit ones. It is very seldom the parents’ fault.
Don’t give up on her, or yourselves. Keep the door open, keep up contact as best you can (no mention of drugs if you do speak to her). She’ll break contact if you lecture her. I used to try to have gentle conversations with the youngsters I came across when arresting them at work, and most said they left home because parents tried to ‘cure’ them (not possible), or change them, also not possible, or made their lives a misery instead of trying to understand.
Hang in there! It’s hard but you’ll get through this.
My thoughts are with you..

"I really hoped hitting rock bottom would help her change back into being an empathatic and caring person. But as long as she ..."

I can't quite place why, but it was really unnerving to see a parent talk about their kid in this way.

Portrait has posted before keepingquiet.

Until your D accepts full responsibility for alienating family and friends Portrait I think you're unlikely to get closure or to be able to trust her again.

To be supporting her as you are is testament to the fact that her present situation is due entirely to her own choices and behaviour, something only she can realise for herself.

It's disappointing that her therapist appears to be encouraging her entitled behaviour but of course s/he can only go on what she is telling them, and if she's being 'economical' with the truth, it will be impossible for them to see the full picture, including the abuse of prescribed medication and alcohol.

It looks as if you and your DH have your eyes wide open to the distinct possibility that if and when she gets 'back on her feet',
she will dump you again.

A terrible situation for you both but I hope that by being realistic about what the future may well hold, you'll be in a better place mentally and emotionally to cope with this, if it happens again .

I have sent you a message. I hope you are a genuine poster.