Successful reconciliations & how you got there...

I think that your dear friend is a tad intransigent Luminance.
The difficulty arises when despite all efforts being made to resolve any issues, self reflections,apologies made, letters written, emails sent, notwithstanding the abuse given in reply, one is then told to respect the estranged person's boundaries and all attempts at communication are blocked. It isn't the person who is being estranged who is in control of anything, whether they self reflect or attempt to build bridges, unless the person being estranged wants to reconcile as well.
And am sure you would agree that if an EAC has told parents to respect boundaries and have no further contact that is exactly what they should do.

You'd really have to know those people personally, as well as the whole family dynamics before drawing that conclusion.

I feel reconciliation is a process that takes time, patience and a true ability to listen and endure the feelings of others. This is something my dear family member cannot do. While I do not wish to take sides or get involved in their problems, watching someone place more importance on being right in the situation rather than doing any work on themselves is difficult. I find myself not agreeing with them and asking all sorts of questions that are met with anger and defence. I do not feel some are truly capable of putting others at an equal footing and are rather sneering at any idea that handling the situation in a different way would reach a happy outcome for all involved.

Yes absolutely, and there are so many threads covering that aspect, so if could we just keep this one to successful reconciliations and any tips to achieve that, that would be great, thanks.

Estrangement starts for many reasons, and some end for a variety of reasons.

All good if people can reconcile - but some are impossible to resolve.🙂

Estrangement comes in all shapes and sizes.

That's just like reconciliation, unfortunately the death of a parent or a family member, a divorce, a split, an apology, counselling, looking at your self, looking at them, forgiving them, forgiving you, smiling and nodding and so on.

It's not for everyone but it might be helpful to someone.

I don't have a story to contribute but I appreciate the positive thread. There's huge benefit to be had from reflecting on your actions and improving yourself, even if it doesn't result in ending the estrangement. Many people never reach that point of self-awareness.

I'm so glad it worked out for you, and I bet you are a happier and healthier person overall because of the work you've put into yourself and your relationships!

That's a great line isn't it NonGrannyMoll

What a wonderful idea for this forum. For myself, I always feel that being positive is the route out of many situations. For anyone who holds up a constant negative to your positive, there are options. I have always told my own dear children that in life we will find many people who try to bring us down. We would never continue friendships with people who make us feel unloved. Our own families should be the people least inclined to make us feel unloved. So we must protect our hearts from that and avoid all the mental and physical discomfort it comes with.

love0c

dragonfly46 And there lies the truth! I once read 'only give advice if asked and when you are asked don't give it!!'

That reminds me of an old Groucho Marx line: "When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you!"

Your'e right NotSpaghetti estrangement can be due to one person in a couple so things can change when there's a bereavement or in eddiecat's case a divorce.

Enjoy your fizz March.

Ours was after the death of a pet!
It was such a bizarre way, my MIL had always sent the odd text to DH which he ignored.
Coming home from the vets she sent text and it felt like a sign? I told him to message back. Life's too short for all of this and we agreed to meet.
That was it, talked through everything, apologies both sides and we cracked on.

My in laws started an argument with us within the first days of having our first child and it was nice getting that apology and she was mortified! We were very young and it happened very quickly so back then it feels like she thought we wouldn't last, not the case.

Sorry the essay and I know it doesn't happen to everyone or they may not even want to reconnect. This is just my experience.

Off to open the fizz!

Sometimes a reconciliation can happen after the death of a parent.
Someone in our wider family who was estranged for many years has a good relationship now with her stepmother after the death of her father.

A significant birthday of the stepmother turned out to be a good time to reconnect. The stepmother wrote saying how lovely it would be if she felt able to come to her family birthday meal - but that she would understand if she didn't feel able.
The adult stepdaughter went to the birthday meal and has kept in touch since.

I think it's sometimes one person in a couple who is "just too difficult" to cope with. The dynamics can change after a bereavement.

Not exactly an "upbeat" post but it felt pretty upbeat within the wider family.

A beautifully written post Babs.

Yes, absolutely, which is why this thread is for those who have reconciled & can offer some hope & advice to others, & for others who are new on the journey .

I agree is heartening to hear of reconciliations, and I would hope that all those estranged EPs, EACs, and other people estranged from family members would do everything possible to end the estrangement. But sadly there are those who
have tried everything and are still estranged and those whose mental and physical well-being has been so adversely affected that an end to an estrangement from an abusive individual is impossible.
But for those who feel they can reach out now and initiate a reconciliation then I urge them to do so because estrangement really is a living bereavement.

It's always cheering to hear from those whose estrangements have come to an end but of course it doesn't matter what you do or say if the one whose estranged you doesn't want to reconcile.

Your story shows just how damaging third party influence can be eddie and how damaging.

What a lovely idea for a thread stillawip
I am not estranged but have friends who were/are.

I hope some people are very useful on here for others who are struggling.

Fantastic!

Stillawip, thankyou for your honest and positive post. You have made a very brave move towards rebuilding your relationship with your son. Well done and I wish you and your family a very happy 2025.

A friend has recently had a new grandchild in the family.
She asked what was the secret to a successful relationship and was surprised when four of us all said,
"Keep it zipped!"
To which we added,
"Don't say anything that isn't positive."

Sadly our DIL had no interest in reconciliation and the estrangement only ended when the marriage ended and she no longer had any say over who our son and grandchildren see. We now have a lovely relationship with them and with son's new partner

How lovely March & I hope you have a wonderful New Year too, with your family

I'd add to what dragonfly says ... we want them to be adults, don't we? 😊

So, let them be.

dragonfly46 And there lies the truth! I once read 'only give advice if asked and when you are asked don't give it!!'