Blindsided by daughter..what is the way forward?

Hit post too soon

What I would advise against strongly is sticking to the idea “we must sit down and chat about this “. Really you needn’t. Her boundaries here don’t seem a thing she wants to discuss. Hence the letter. It was her telling you what she needs. Don’t go into further conversations r asking for further conversations to try to negotiate those things. She’s telling you this is what she needs - accept that and agree to it. No need for discussion

Scotsnana

Lots of advice on here! Just to make it clear, I have NEVER given advice without it being asked for. For the last 25 years we have been told by her and her husband we are the best parents in the world (as seen by the many mothers day, birthday cards from them). So I am at a loss to see why suddenly we are the parents from hell. As for apologising? In the first couple of weeks I literally begged her to discuss things with me, and clear this up. She refuses to even talk to me. We can get nowhere until she agrees to sit down to chat with me.

In your upset Scotsnana you seem to be not seeing the trees thru the forest. And perhaps being a bit dramatic. “Now we’re the parents from hell”. Did your daughter say that ? In the six pages she wrote you discerning how she felt you were too over involved in their lives and how she needed to move forward with you did she say you’re the parents from hell? Because you didn’t mention that I’ll assume not. Instead you’re getting all up and offended that she’s cross or been upset with you and putting up a wall of I couldn’t have ! Your daughters clearly feeling she needs space , and took some. Then you “literally begged her to discuss it with you “ and so in her own way she has. She’s written to you. She wrote you six pages! Detailing how she’s been feeling and what she needs to move forward. I’m not for the life of me
Understanding what it is you’re so confused and in the dark about. So often you see truly estranged parents on her (you’re not yet there ) saying what they’d give to be told what was wrong , what to do to move forward - and you have been given just that. Furthermore the things she’s listed as needing - are so so simple to do if you wanted it. She didn’t ignore your begging she answered you. Perhaps not in the manner you wanted but she didn. She sent six pages of answer and detailed a path forward. All that’s left to do is listen to it. Draft a shirt note saying you’re sorry for causing her to feel that way and you’re there and ready to abide by the new boundaries when she’s ready. Then take a giant step back and wait. She’s clearly indicating she doesn’t want an estrangement. She wants a relationship. She needs it to be one that abides her boundaries. Surely how hard can it be to simply agree not to include your opinions on her child’s education or to talk about her personal life with others ?

Your tears are not crying for the loss of family. You ate crying over false expectations of this family. They are no longer going to play to your tune of normalcy and your DD might be wise to school her son at home if he is punished at school for not behaving like other children or if he has sleep, eating and sensory disorders which are common with ASD. Don't feel sorry for yourself.

Dear Scotsnana. It's not about you. If you spent some time learning about ASD, you would already know that Christmas and birthdays are the most horrific times for this GC. You can't make him neurotypical. Your daughter is trying to raise her son. If you are still sad for yourself, I suggest that you and your DH get educated on the life and mind of an autistic child trying to live in this society. It can be pretty awful until others (like your daughter) understand. I know this since I have ASD in my family. WrongPlanet.com is a good eye opener to start with. Best of luck. I know with the love in your heart, you can do this.

That's sad. Firstly autism is a horrid condition and the family must be going through hell. I grew up with an autistic brother who was constantly in trouble at every school. This was way back and he went undiagnosed till adulthood unbelievably. Parents refused to take in to mental health since didn't want the stigma as autistic was called retarded back then. He is what they call high functioning autistic.

So it's obvious they are not wanting you around. That's sad but perhaps she will come around someday. Just be happy you have other children who enjoy your company. I don't care for rules like that so would just cease contact for now how unfortunate

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I don't think she can cope with life's pressures at the moment and might just want time to herself. Leave her be if it's her wish until she feels ready to talk. It's really up to her how she wants to parent and if she thinks things are crowding in on her.
When estrangement begins as parents we want to find out why instead of stepping back, I know I did and nothing came of it. You have posted on estrangement somyou must fear it but it needn't be so..
Drop her a note saying sorry, you won't make contract until she is ready and you will aways be there for her. Then leave her to it.

Of course you are hurt and upset Scotsnana not to mention bewildered. I think you have to go with what your daughter wants as she holds all the cards and I’m sure you most certainly don’t want to be estranged. My best suggestion is to think about your objectives I.e how to be reconciled with your daughter and how best to realise this. You may have to apologise as well as agree to her terms but if this gets you back to even being in the same room and seeing your gs do you not think it will be worth it? Then hopefully you can move on together. My best wishes in this difficult situation.

Scotsnana

Lots of advice on here! Just to make it clear, I have NEVER given advice without it being asked for. For the last 25 years we have been told by her and her husband we are the best parents in the world (as seen by the many mothers day, birthday cards from them). So I am at a loss to see why suddenly we are the parents from hell. As for apologising? In the first couple of weeks I literally begged her to discuss things with me, and clear this up. She refuses to even talk to me. We can get nowhere until she agrees to sit down to chat with me.

I think, in this case, those boundaries should be easy to follow and not too much of an obstacle you need worry about. Everyone can and should have reasonable boundaries like that

Smileless2012

I'm so sorry Scotsnana because until your D is prepared to talk, there's nothing you can do for now.

Agree.
And sadly the more you beg for her to talk to you the more she might withdraw.

I'm so sorry Scotsnana because until your D is prepared to talk, there's nothing you can do for now.

I agree with Septimia as well a good post

Lots of advice on here! Just to make it clear, I have NEVER given advice without it being asked for. For the last 25 years we have been told by her and her husband we are the best parents in the world (as seen by the many mothers day, birthday cards from them). So I am at a loss to see why suddenly we are the parents from hell. As for apologising? In the first couple of weeks I literally begged her to discuss things with me, and clear this up. She refuses to even talk to me. We can get nowhere until she agrees to sit down to chat with me.

I confess I'm always amazed at people's reluctance to apologise.
In this case it's about inadvertently upsetting someone.
It seems straightforward to me.

It almost certainly came from a place
of love - but has caused upset.

biglouis

In respect of christmas mumsnet is filled with posts where someone is dreading the BIG family christmas with the grandparents and the in laws.

Parents increasingly seem to want to spend christmas day with just their partner and children to do things that grandparents might not approve of. Such as staying in pajamas all day, eating comfort food, and watching duff films or playing silly games, It doesnt mean the rest of the family cant come on another day but increasingly young/er families are putting in boundaries rather than gritting their teeth and hating the big traditional gatherings.

Your daughter and her partner may have hosted for years "at their request" but how much of that was out of a sense of duty?

I don't think MN threads represent real life ......I'm 59 ....I will spend Christmas day with my GC and AC at some point in the day....as will all my colleagues and friends and acquaintances .

I think your daughter has done well to say exactly and in some detail what troubles her about what she does and does not need from you.

She has not said she does not love you nor that she wishes to be estranged!

I advise you to do exactly what your daughter thinks to be "natural" conversation.

Babs03

I think is really hard for the OP right now, I think we would all feel very upset if a much loved daughter or son shut us out with a very long letter given on how to do things in future. But am appreciating that must be hard for the daughter in this case, my guess is that she has stored up grievances over a long period of time without voicing them at the time, hence the long letter. Both sides feel aggrieved. So best to leave well alone for now with a view to picking this up at a later date when an honest and frank conversation can be had, with both sides ready to apologise for hurt done to the other but not simply apologising in order to swerve a difficult discussion, or nothing will be resolved.
Only communication can solve this. We can assert that the OP could have been overbearing or that the daughter is being unnecessarily hurtful by cutting her off, but somewhere in the middle is the truth and the means to make things right.
As Rumi a famous poet once said,
‘Beyond all wrongdoing
And right doing
There is a field,
I will meet you there.’

Yes, you're right. A happy solution often comes in the middle ground.🙂

Rumi's words are worth remembering Babs .

V3ra

Ziggy62 do you stay at your daughter's house, or a hotel nearby.
It does help to have somewhere to retreat to during a visit if either of you need a break!

V3ra
I always stay in a nearby hotel, she lives in a large city, so plenty to chose from or I could stay with other family members but hotel is nice to chill out at what can be tiring (but enjoyable days/evenings)

I am truly surprised at opposition to a letter. It seems to me a letter can be read and once initial feelings have calmed, easily re-read. It is also a wonderful opportunity to really be heard. Often with such a truly difficult thing to say it can be difficult to express ourselves the way we wanted or intended. In a lot of families boundaries do not need to be discussed because boundaries are passed on and down by the parents and are silent rules to live by. These boundaries are much needed and missing and if unopposed will improve this relationship incredibly.

I think is really hard for the OP right now, I think we would all feel very upset if a much loved daughter or son shut us out with a very long letter given on how to do things in future. But am appreciating that must be hard for the daughter in this case, my guess is that she has stored up grievances over a long period of time without voicing them at the time, hence the long letter. Both sides feel aggrieved. So best to leave well alone for now with a view to picking this up at a later date when an honest and frank conversation can be had, with both sides ready to apologise for hurt done to the other but not simply apologising in order to swerve a difficult discussion, or nothing will be resolved.
Only communication can solve this. We can assert that the OP could have been overbearing or that the daughter is being unnecessarily hurtful by cutting her off, but somewhere in the middle is the truth and the means to make things right.
As Rumi a famous poet once said,
‘Beyond all wrongdoing
And right doing
There is a field,
I will meet you there.’

Well whatever we think the OPs DD obviously feels the OP is interfering so the easy thing to do is stop offering unwanted advice and without a doubt don't discuss her business with anyone else.