DIL ignores sister

it is of course a very violent image, even if people do not really mean it literally.
cf how parents used to often say they would kill their children.
we don't hear that so much nowadays.

i knew what it meant, simply because it is often threatened, in full, on MN.

Smileless2012

So did you know what it mean before you googled it DL; I'm shocked .

really horrible...

So did you know what it mean before you googled it DL; I'm shocked .

I really think it is best to stay out of it too... It could lead to a whole family breakdown which would be devastating

Your sister had no right to post a picture of the baby online without permission. Quite frankly it isn't something I would do even with permission. Are people so oblivious to the dangers of this practice?

I suspect your sister's standards are not what they were, judging by the constant reference to germs.

Either way, you are best keeping out of this. You cannot resolve it and you may even make matters worse. By the way, the nephew is equally culpable in your sister's distress.

Smileless2012

Even if standing off doesn't work DL it can at least give you some breathing space and rest bite.

Thanks for the link; I had no idea that's what it meant

Yeah, breathing space and respite works. I’ve got young adult GCs, so I learn a lot of new expressions lol 🙄

Even if standing off doesn't work DL it can at least give you some breathing space and rest bite.

Thanks for the link; I had no idea that's what it meant

Ripping a new one is in the modern vernacular:

en.wiktionary.org/wiki/rip_someone_a_new_one

DIL got mad when sister posted a photo of the baby on FB so sister recently texted asking if she could post one of son with him for my nephew's birthday. DIL never answered.
I'm not surprised she didn't answer!
No Facebook means No Facebook! What part of that didn't your sister understand?

Doesn't like her house so won't go there.
Is it dirty? I now it's not easy to do housework when you're struggling. Or does it smell of smoke?

If I was there, I would rip my nephew a new one.
I have no idea what that means (castigate?) but I suspect that you may be a lot younger than most Gransnetters if that is your usual vernacular. 🤔

Sometimes, standing off can work. I used to say to DH that if he stood back and let his ACs froth about on their own, things might change.

But, he couldn’t, he was always trying to help them and make concessions. It didn’t work.🙄

It didn’t help them, ultimately, because I was never going to be held hostage to their tantrums. And, after he died, they realised that.

But, all sorted - they are out of my life, thankfully.👍

In situations like this, time is often all you have DL, it's such a shame .

Sorry, above comment was replying to Smileless.

‘I suspect’ does not mean ‘I know’.

Yes, as I said, I was making a general comment, as I don’t know the OP.

Some AC’s might just be spineless, but others may be coercively controlled.

In the case of OP, I agree with others - the best thing here is to stand back, and see what happens. Time solves a lot of things.

Germanshepherdsmum

I suspect the sister’s standards of hygiene are not the best. And it is unforgivable to post a photo of a child on social media without the parents’ permission (which if I were the parent would not be given). Is the OP able to look objectively at her sister and her sister’s house and consider this?

How can you know this is the reason? Their house may be spotlessly clean for all you know. In addition many people have untidy and even unclean homes and raise perfectly healthy babies in them!

Yes DL, coercive control became an offence on the 29th of December 2015 and some are still unable/unwilling to recognise the damage that's done when one person has coercive control over another.

It's abuse and like all abusers, their control is drip fed, building up over a period of time, eventually separating the victim from family and friends, leaving them totally dependant on their abuser.

I posted yesterday @ 14.54 Grams that I don't understand why these sons allow their mothers to be treated in this way. I'm fully aware from my own situation the part sons play in these situations, but that doesn't exclude the part that d's.i.l. can and do play.

This is something that some appear to have a problem acknowledging, which is why time and time again when a m.i.l. is having problems with her d.i.l., the familiar 'evil d.i.l.' is trotted out, because heaven forbid a m.i.l. should have cause to criticise her's.

Yes I agree with playing the long game.
Just tell her to step back.
Her DIL probably enjoys the control she has so don’t give her that pleasure.
Poor son is in a difficult position.
What is it with some D’s in law!
I have two lovely ones but I don’t put any pressure on them . They come to me when they want/need to.

I don’t know the OP, her sister, or anyone else in the family. If this has been posted elsewhere, then I still don’t know. I don’t know the family dynamics.

But, as a general comment, I would say that coercive control can exist within a relationship, or marriage. I think it’s recently become illegal.

I think to describe the victims as “spineless” is a bit harsh - control can creep up, undermining the other person in stages. It’s insidious.

Men or women can be coercive.

But, as I say, I don’t know the OP, and it might not be the case anyway.🙂

Smileless2012

Whatever Grams but it's only you who has referred to evil d's.i.l., not the OP and no one else.

No she just blamed the dil , or really her niece in law as it were for the actions of nephew and his family unit. As we see time and time again. Those pesky dils and poor son put in the middle , or just a spineless victim. This sisters dil has a husband who i imagine is every bit as capable as she is of turning down offers to visit etc and seeing how it’s his mother , let’s at least let them share the “blame” here.

“The only one who said evil” yep and we both know you’re not so obtuse as to not understand the inference. Which was the entire point of course ( and you know that ) that once again here comes the “dil poor dear away “. Son is just as much to blame. If not more so, it’s his family!

Whatever Grams but it's only you who has referred to evil d's.i.l., not the OP and no one else.

Smileless2012

It's not the OP's place to try and do or say anything I agree, but of course it's her business. This is about her sister for goodness sake. It would be a hard hearted sister IMO who wouldn't be upset for and worried about her sister.

The OP hasn't referred to her sister's d.i.l. as evil Grams so let's stop acting as if anyone who posts about issues that involve a d.i.l. automatically sees the d.i.l. as evil.

No just placing blame on the dil
But not the son as usual. What magic these wives must possess

Maybe they simply dont like her, you cannot make people want to spend time with others.

encourage her to play the long game instead of trying to 'help' whilst the baby is still young good advice keepingquiet.

I also would be curious to know if there are any smoking, cleanliness or pet issues behind this that can be resolved with support?

It's generally accepted now that minors are not posted on social media without permission, so I think that's probably understandable. Some parents may not mind but many do so asking is always best.

These don't sound like huge unsolvable issues... The family there just needs better communication really. Please remember that ripping anyone a new one is not positive or healthy communication and may make this situation far worse for your sister