Support and friendship For Those Estranged

@whiff sounds like you had a great time with your friends, one of my daughters is gluten free and I know cooking for her needs can be tricky so well done on making something so delicious. Can I come to finish off any leftovers 😂

I think houses are like people, sometimes everything looks wonderful but the chemistry just isn’t right. Have made an offer on the bungalow we both loved but the owner wants to keep viewings open seeing as we no longer have a buyer for ours. This is apparently how they do it now.
And we haven’t had any interest, the estate agent says the market has slowed down whilst people see what is happening with the budget.
But hey ho is a good problem to have when so many can’t afford a roof over their heads.

Morning everyone.

Glad you had a good day with friends from your craft group Whiff, sounds as if you'll be keeping in touch even though you're leaving.

Yes, that's how things are done now Babs but don't lose hope. If the market's slowed down it's the same for everyone so you may not be the only ones interested in the bungalow, waiting for a buyer for yours.

We were in contact with our buyers yesterday. They've signed the contract as has their buyer but he's now come up with some more points he wants to be clarified!!!

We think he's stalling because he's in rented and wants to delay completion to suit himself. They've told their solicitor they want to complete on the 18th of this month.

She's getting worried in case they lose our house but we've told her not to panic as it's not as if we have to complete to buy as we've already done so.

Of course if they lose their buyer that'll be a different story but as he's signed a legally binding contract I don't think it likely although of course not impossible.

Oh Lord Smiles, so much hoohah even when it should all be done and dusted.
Here’s hoping it all gets done as soon as.
🤞

Feeling a bit raw today and a bit angry. DH and I finally made the decision that this Xmas will be the first we won’t send anything for our daughter and GCs, for over 10 years we have done this without any acknowledgement whatsoever. Our daughter’s advised us to stop years ago but like fools we kept on going. And now there are the responses to a thread about a reconciliation, which is obvs great news and so glad it happened, but responses about how the poster is a really good mum etc., puts my teeth on edge, like those of us not reconciled must be awful mums, am sure that wasn’t how it was meant but am not having a good time in general at the moment and this along with our decision about not sending stuff to our daughter has rattled me. I recall all the times we tried for a reconciliation, the constant rejections, humiliations, and abuse. To be honest if giving up finally makes me a bad mum I’ll take that over exposing myself to more of the same.
Anyway, rant over.
Hope you are all ok 👍

Being estranged doesn't mean you're a bad mum Babs, neither does accepting that the relationship you had is over and the more than 10 years you've spent trying to maintain some form of contact, wasn't done out of foolishness, it was done out of love.

We're not awful mum's, we know that and so do the AC who've estranged us.

Reconciliation has to be wanted by everyone concerned. Those who have reconciled have done so because the one who estranged them wanted too. That doesn't mean they're better parents than we are, it means they're luckier than we are, that's all x

That's a really hard and emotional decision you have made Babs03 and I can hear your upset.
Like you, I and many posters have been in this situation and it leaves you raw, but there are only so many times you can bang your head on a wall before you think...this hurts im going to stop.
You are not a bad mum, you have tried, I hope you find some peace in the coming days and are surrounded by people who care for you.
Take care of yourself.

Hello Smiles, Babs, Bridie and all…

I’m one of those estranged for five years luckily reconciled for over a decade and I totally agree with Smileless that it’s the estranger who decides if that is going to happen.

Like many of you I tried every which way to put things right between my daughter and I from the very beginning but sadly it all fell on stony ground.

It was only when I realised that my efforts were in vain and we needed to get on with our lives (and we did) that my wellbeing improved. Ironically that was when the first tentative steps towards recovery began.

Being a “good” mother had no bearing on the situation so please Babs don’t crucify yourself on that score…we’ve all done the best we can and it’s up to our children to recognise that - some come very late to that party!

I wish you all peace of mind in your journeys x

Brilliant to hear Pantglas2, just out of curiosity did your daughter initiate the reconciliation after all them years apart ?
I live in hope whilst getting on with my life, I have tried every way I can of reconnecting.
Wishing you well for the future.

Thanks so much for kind words Smiles, Bridie, and Pantglas.
Not as wound up this morning and looking forward to a better day, DH is driving us to a favourite walking spot. Going for a long walk always blows all the cobwebs away weather permitting.
I really can’t imagine circumstances in which our daughter would seek a reconciliation or how that would impact us all as a family. A part of me desperately wants this and another part would be terrified that she would start with the abuse again. But nothing is ever set in stone. And hope is not something we have lost, our hopes are for a quiet and peaceful life with improved health and the love of our other three daughters, GCs, and close friends.
Take care xx

Babs I can understand your feelings regarding Christmas, I sent presents until my gd was 18, I still send cards. People would probably think I'm stupid, but she's always in my heart anyway although will never reunite. Shes my only daughter.
Your decision is the right one. You've other daughters and family and each other so a strong family unit. Enjoy your walk today blowing cobwebs away.
Pantglass what a lovely post glad youvare reconciled,x

Whiff you are very lucky to have found a hairdresser that you like nearby and only £20 too.

Nice to hear you had a good afternoon with friends, they were the lucky ones with that lovely lunch and taking home cake and preserves.

Smileless2012

Being estranged doesn't mean you're a bad mum Babs, neither does accepting that the relationship you had is over and the more than 10 years you've spent trying to maintain some form of contact, wasn't done out of foolishness, it was done out of love.

We're not awful mum's, we know that and so do the AC who've estranged us.

Reconciliation has to be wanted by everyone concerned. Those who have reconciled have done so because the one who estranged them wanted too. That doesn't mean they're better parents than we are, it means they're luckier than we are, that's all x

You’re absolutely right. As you know, my late DH and I were bounced in and out of estrangement for 18 years, yet his ACs freely admitted he’d been a great Dad. They either wanted money, or they couldn’t be bothered. No way of solving that.🙄.

The situation, at times, bought DH to his knees, with sadness, and I had to sit watching this. Even when he was literally dying, one of them couldn’t even be bothered to see him.

My ex estranged our ACs for 10 years. I’ve pulled that back round, but he still has no explanation. He agrees our ACs are lovely. 🤷‍♀️. God knows what his problem was.

I sometimes think estrangers fail to understand that no one is perfect, including themselves. They reflect endlessly about the faults of others, but never their own.

Other than in real abusive situations, most parents do their best for their children. But, I wasn’t perfect any more than any other parent is - I’m just very lucky my ACs and adult GCs accept me for being me, as I do them.

For anyone to assume that anyone estranged must have been abused shows a lack of emotional and realistic intelligence.

Anyway, keep smiling everyone, and hope you all have a lovely day.💐

Babs Good decision for you, that you've decided to stop sending presents & cards, it will make you feel better.

I decided to stop with it all: monies in bank accounts every Xmas & birthdays, cards & presents, after 6yrs and it made me feel lighter. 6 more years later and nothing has changed. I don't know their add. any more so, when they first moved, I was just 'posting' cards in a big gift bag in my spare room.

Thanx Allsorts, DL, and Yogi.
Is good to know there are people who understand. And I suppose for those who have never suffered estrangement it must sound strange and is easy to judge. I remember a friend I don’t see now once saying when I made her one of the few I entrusted with my story that she would never give up on her kids even if it meant driving there and camping outside.
Like I say she is no longer a friend. But that kind of response along with expecting the parents to have been bad parents are sadly par for the course in some cases.
Is a question of surrounding yourself with people who love you and understand your backstory. 🙏🏾❤️

Morning all.
I also winced when reading the other thread about hope after estrangement. The comment about being a good mother hurt and I thought about all the support and care my daughter has had through her life and how she shuns me now.
Yesterday was another day of mind games. R and I took children out for the afternoon to a leisure centre where they climbed activity walls,played in the arcades and had a McDonald's meal. It was physically exhausting for me as still struggling health wise but enjoyed spending time with them. We took them back to their home and had a cup of tea. My daughter didn't speak to me,spoke only to R. Felt very upset by the time we got home.
I have just sent her a text saying how much I enjoyed seeing the children but there is still issues between us and would she like to spend time with me to try and resolve this. Will be interesting if I get a reply and whether it will be abusive.
R is going home to Ireland on thursday and I will miss him. Planning on spending 2 nights at a spa hotel with younger daughter the following week. I did say that I am not great health wise as we usually do a lot of activities when we stay in a new city. But she reassured me that we can just spend time in the pool and having endless chats over tea,just wants to spend time with me. How different 2 daughters can be !
Hope all are well and know that we brought these estranged children into the world with love. We all nurtured them through their childhoods but sadly have not been able to prevent the adults they have become. Remember although we were their primary carers there have been many people and experiences they have had throughout their lives which have impacted their personalities.

Morning everyone.

I'm glad you're feeling less wound up this morning Babs and a nice walk to blow away some of those cobwebs sounds like a plan.

You're right DL that anyone assuming all EAC were abused in some way are lacking emotional and realistic intelligence, and I think often projecting their own experiences onto others, something we don't see those of us who have been estranged doing.

We weren't abusive and are able to offer support to EAC because we don't tar them with the same brush as the AC who have estranged us.

It's a nice morning here so we're off for a bike ride which will hopefully blow away a few cobwebs here too.

I suspect the comment about being a good mother was supposed to hurt Jaffa, as we often find on some of the other threads on the estrangement forum.

I'm glad you enjoyed time with your GC .

Some of these recent posts and threads, seemingly from new posters, seem designed to be some sort of wind up and cause upset.

Goodness knows why people do this. 🤷‍♀️

I think it's projection DL especially when it comes from those who've estranged their parents or whose p's.i.l. have been estranged.

I sometimes think it's because there's a degree of resentment when EP's and EGP's are seen to be getting on with their lives, finding peace and happiness and not stuck in a state of perpetual misery and heartache.

@jaffa so glad your other daughter is going with you to a spa, this should be a nice relaxing time for you to prioritise your well-being. The love of my other daughters has been a real tonic to us, and for those estranged from an only child I am going they have a husband/wife/partner or other close family and friends to give them the love and support they need.
And you are right our ACs are subject to other influences in their lives that must in some cases enable their behaviour.
I think social media and therapy are two influences that can give our ACs a platform and permission to disconnect from parents without knowing both sides.
Take care xx

Correction - I am hoping not ‘going’

DL and Smiles did notice a regular poster on there making a rather pointed reference to some parents not being able to change.
Am steering clear. Have just escaped a pile on when commenting on a thread on news/politics, but you kind of expect it on there, on here there are posters who are feeling vulnerable and low reaching out for help or needing continued help from those who have been there and got the tee shirt but can still feel low at times.
Is nasty.

Babs just read your first post . Before reading the rest. We are not bad moms or dads our children decide they don't want us we didn't decide we don't want them . I never saw my son turning his back not just me but all our side of the family . My daughter doesn't care I didn't know how bad things had gotten between because of my daughter in law's jealously of my daughter as they always behaved when we where all together.

Today is my eldest grandsons 8th birthday last time he had a card or presents from was 2019. As after my son sending his and second sons birthday cards and my new grandsons card and presents crushed and everything unopened with his letter saying' He didn't want my vindictive and manipulative behaviour anywhere near me or my family ever again. Zero contact. '

So I never sent anything again as I didn't want that feeling of hurt again. My 3 grandson's have probably been told either I am dead or I don't care . As the 2 eldest where 4 &2 last time I saw them . Now 8,6&4.

Will read the rest .

I've come to expect the pointed comments TBH Babs especially when I see whose posting and/or recognise the posting style, even if the name's different.

It's always lovely to see your posts Pantglas and know that everything continues to go well x