Support and friendship For Those Estranged

When do you go away Whiff?
We have booked a few days in Bath beginning of Oct, one of our daughters got us train vouchers so are getting the train from London.
Hate to say it but might do a bit of Xmas shopping. Lovely shops in Bath. Have been sensible this year tho, broached the idea of us not getting pressies for each other to a small group of friends but to go for lunch instead, wasn’t sure how it would be received but everyone was really glad I’d said it.
Phew!

Babs it's the best way to live . Time flies by so quickly well it has got me since I moved here 5 years ago . I have no time of what ifs or if onlies . The past is gone we need a good present and future with those who love and care for us and who we love and care for. No one knows how long we have to life so we must make the most of every day. And do the things now as we may not be able to do them in the future.

Only 2 things certain we are born we die the rest is up to us .

@whiff
You put it well - we all have to decide how much we will put up with from children who don’t want us.
We took it for too long and it cost us dear, thankfully we are now in a good place, stronger and determined to enjoy life with those who do want us.
Take care. Xx

I was never in the financial position to help my children as without my husband and not being able to work and refused disability benefits from 1988 until 2023. I had to live on what my husband left me via his private pensions which paid out lumps sums as he was 47 when he died. The government gave me £2,000 as I was 45 to go towards funeral expenses. But we had already put the money aside so gave it to the children.

I am very proud of both couples they worked ,saved and lived in rented accommodation until they could afford to buy their own homes plus they paid for their own weddings . Both couples said they had a budget for their weddings and stuck to it. Both where fabulous days wild horses wouldn't have stopped my mom attending to both and dancing the night away. My mother in law refused to go too both weddings . But she told people she had no son or grandchildren and yet I and the children never gave up on here. I hated that woman for 40 years but I could not look after her and she outlived her son by 11 years .

We never had any financial assistance from either parents . I wasn't brought up with money and my parents didn't have high paid jobs but brought their own house ,dad had a different car every 3 years and we had a week's holiday in a caravan for a week every year.

My in laws where well off but my husband had only what he worked for. But my husband never wanted money from his parents but love and attention which he never go but got it in spades from my extended family.

The phrase I hate is bank of mom and dad. You want something then work and save . My niece and her fiancé did the same as my children my brother wasn't in a position to help them as he had to retire 5 years ago to look after my sister in law.

I don't look at the weather where my son lives as he lives 45 mins from me in a car. But do look once a year to see if there house has been sold so know they still live in the same place.

I assume my son has told my grandsons I am dead or don't love or care about them .

If my son ever wanted to see me it would be on my terms and his has some explaining to do. The trust I had him he killed and I will never forgive or forget what my son and daughter in law have done and written about me . And the love I had for my daughter in law died after I found out what she wrote about my husband a man she never knew as he was dead when she meet my son. I love the son I knew not the stranger he is now. But my love for my grandsons will never die.

But I never deny I have a son , daughter in law and 3 grandson's if anyone asks if I see them I explained. It's amazing how many people have estrangement in their families so one sort or another.

We all have to decide how much we will put up from our children who don't want us. I gave up hope last autumn and am very happy with my decision. As the grief over my husband's death far outways what my son has done . And I know I have always been a good mom ,mother in law and nannie . And I don't owe my son or daughter in law any apologies.

Hilltop

I too helped my ES and his wife financially. We gave them the deposit to buy their house. I posted the cheque to my son. They bought the house, l noticed my DIL didn't comment, didn't say thanks or anything. But l didn't really bother about it or take any notice
When the estrangement happened, l was told (by email) that l had only given it to my son and not both of them.
How on earth did she think that. Of course l knew she would be living there with him. I had made the cheque out to just him, perhaps that was my mistake.
Just one of many ways l was accused of 'not welcoming her into the family '. After many visits which l thought we all enjoyed, when everything had seemed good.

Think about it - all of her “offence” about you, apparently, giving the cash only to your son, didn’t stop her accepting the money and benefitting from it, did it? 🤷‍♀️

That says it all. 😗

@Babs yes, your swing set buying and being accused of manipulation sounds basically the same.
How can they twist things like that?

@sparkly grandma,
I love giggling and cake. Sounds like a plan xx

Hilltop

I too helped my ES and his wife financially. We gave them the deposit to buy their house. I posted the cheque to my son. They bought the house, l noticed my DIL didn't comment, didn't say thanks or anything. But l didn't really bother about it or take any notice
When the estrangement happened, l was told (by email) that l had only given it to my son and not both of them.
How on earth did she think that. Of course l knew she would be living there with him. I had made the cheque out to just him, perhaps that was my mistake.
Just one of many ways l was accused of 'not welcoming her into the family '. After many visits which l thought we all enjoyed, when everything had seemed good.

I think this is called gaslighting, twisting the truth to make out someone else is in the wrong, rather than the real culprit.
My daughter loved to play the victim whilst all along abusing us. When we once paid good money to buy our GCs a lovely swing set she said afterwards that we were trying to manipulate the children.
Honestly, I really don’t know what is wrong with them.

Thank you Whiff. How are we doing this autumnal afternoon.

Ah, the apology stage of estrangement. It didn’t work in my case. My last try was to find the nearby Vicar to my estDS and DiL, and say to him I am totally sorry for things or the upset my estDS has, but as a Christian please can you (the Vicar) ask him to forgive me?
About 5 weeks later the Vicar contacted me to say he will pray for everyone involved.
I tried!
Anyway tomorrow I am out to lunch with a church friend, there might be giggling and there will definitely be cake.

I too helped my ES and his wife financially. We gave them the deposit to buy their house. I posted the cheque to my son. They bought the house, l noticed my DIL didn't comment, didn't say thanks or anything. But l didn't really bother about it or take any notice
When the estrangement happened, l was told (by email) that l had only given it to my son and not both of them.
How on earth did she think that. Of course l knew she would be living there with him. I had made the cheque out to just him, perhaps that was my mistake.
Just one of many ways l was accused of 'not welcoming her into the family '. After many visits which l thought we all enjoyed, when everything had seemed good.

@Yogi,
Must be so hard living near them. My estranged daughter lives a 3 hour drive away. As for giving you the finger, how utterly immature but must have hurt, why be so peevish?
It amazes me the levels our estranged kids will stoop to in order to to torment us.

I was surprised to hear, that when my son was visiting his sister [my estD] they were speaking about me and my DD, my GD in ear-shot, asked who they were talking about and surprisingly my estD told her; that's your nan & auntie, my mum & sister
I would have imagined her saying no one you know. I was so surprised!

Yes, my estD H would turn a good deed into a bad one. I was always giving my estD little sums of cash or buying things for them. Paid for their wedding, not even a thank you card, let alone the normal bouquet of flowers given to the mothers of the couple at the speech's ceremony. When estranged, estD H txt me to say I was mean and hadn't given them much money, I reminded him of the £10,000 I gave them, just before the wedding!

Little things I sent to the C with love, just after being CO were somehow vilified.

Oh sorry, must have pressed on the wrong 'quote', The reply was for Hilltop

RubyLegend

@Whiff
Thank you for sharing your story, such a sadness over many years. My experience with my DIL mirrors your own and at times we've felt naïve, trusting someone whose only aim was to see us off. For you, having it following loss of your husband, must have been exceptionally difficult to bear.

As you say, these things have been going on for generations but thankfully we have space to share and comfort each other.

In time I will learn to be a parent to two, rather than to three. However, I will always be a mother to three.

Oh Hilltop that's soo painful to read. In the beginning I would do things like that. Also, before I moved here, I was always looking out for my daughter, and would see them from time to time.

Once I was driving home, a friend was following in her car behind, and I saw my estD H, with the 2 C in a buggy, I slowed right down and I looked over at them, he saw me and stuck his middle finger up at me! Another time I was driving down our mutual road, [that our roads lead off of] and saw my estD with GS just coming out of the park over the other side of the road, the strange thing was, as I looked at her, she turned and looked straight into the car at me! It felt spooky.

12years Smiles can't believe it!

@allsorts
Thankfully it was years ago now. Once her venom was no longer baiting us she soon lost interest. Which is one good reason why we know a reconciliation would not be on the cards because once her punch bag becomes available again she would undoubtedly weigh in with the same abuse.
Xx

Hilltop, I think a lot of people despite the years being estranged, do things like checking the weather where your son lives. No one knows what the future holds and the past is gone, we try to live in the now and be kind to ourselves but we are not infallible.
Babs, where are you seeing this online abuse? Can’t you report or block it or just come off the site, .if they are saying untrue things theres laws against it..

The strength and positiveness in these posts is inspirational .

Calm is our aim too. The whirl of drama which you live through in the hope that the outcome that time will be different. But it never is, there's always a trap.

It's bliss to wake up in the morning now and know its not going to dominate your whole day, to not be searching for answers and working out where you went wrong. Yes, there will be episodes where it will slap me in the face again, but in the future it will be on my terms. I won't engage.

There is calm and that should never be underrated’ - good point Babs!
We sometimes think about our EC returning…and then realise we couldn’t live through the drama again.

@RubyLegend, it was this as well as other things our daughter did that made us realise there really was no way back, we had already been estranged for several years at this point.
Life is not perfect now but there is calm and that should never be under-rated.
Was a bit of gallows humour when I found out that our daughter had said we were dead, I promptly announced 'well that was wishful thinking.'

@Babs03
I'm utterly shocked that your daughter told people you were dead. That's such an unacceptable thing to say. Hats off to you that you have come through that. It feels a whole other level of abuse.

@smileless2012
Wow! that really is terrible that financial assistance was twisted in that way. Hmm... funny that it wasn't immediately repaid...

I had something similar with a gift but not nearly as significant as money being given. The gift was described as thoughtful and very nice but the message I sent was seen as insulting. So, like you, I wondered why it wasn't returned immediately. If your principles dictate that your EP are controlling/nasty, why would you ever keep anything?

I remember you telling us about that Babs. What a shock it must have been when your friends saw you and realised that a terrible lie she'd told. Awful for you too that she'd say such a dreadful thing.

We live it don't we but it's still hard to believe what our EAC are capable of.

Whiff

Bridie thank you unfortunately a new thread on chat has appeared about missing posters as the other one was what I got suspended over . I didn't start the thread some else did but I chipped and someone reported me . But I knew who it was before she owned up to doing it . I have PMed the OP on it to be careful. But some of the posts are far worse than anything I said but they are still there.

Yogin I forgot to say you must be super fit and bendy . When my best friend took up yoga I cross stitched this and made it into a cushion for her as I loved the fact it was more like real woman .

As I explained to you on that thread, I reported you because you asserted that Gransnet had told you in the past who was reporting you. I genuinely don't remember ever reporting you before as I rarely report anything so I reported that comment to ask Gransnet if it were true that they had told you who was reporting you.

Gransnet confirmed that they do not tell people who reports whom so you must have made a mistake somewhere

I am not the phantom reporter

Have a lovely rest of your day all