Estranged daughter and my will

Someone I know personally as a way of dealing with a problem regularly cuts off people rather than deal with something, she cut her own mother off for three years but when asked why she spluttered, oh I don't know. They made up and were closer than ever but she still does it, at the moment its to her grandchildren as they didn’t visit. I think now its a mental illness for some as they seem to live in a different world and think only they are right about anything and they want to have control. They have no idea of the hurt they cause.

If you leave one child out I was told to leave a nominal amount to that child and a letter stating why so it can’t be challenged, that is why i said if you have money to spare now use it to help the one that is there you,.

LOUISA thank you . People have had harder journeys . I am very lucky I had a large extended family growing up who didn't treat me as different and lucky to meet a man who love me for me and now matter what happened nothing phased him . But he had my family to show him what a real family was like unlike his own parents . I don't feel guilty about anything . I live my life to the full like he wanted me to do. Love like grief never dies. You just have to glad you wake up everyday. 🌹

Whiff

My children always said after their dad died they didn't want any inheritance and to use the money I had on me . My husband left his car reg to the kids. Neither wanted it on their car . I paid to keep it registered to me even though I hadn't a car then it came free but a time limit to use it on a car or lose it. I was going to sell it in 2020 but that year my son estranged me out of the blue via email 4 days after I had a lovely time with him on my birthday. But did sell it in 2021 but went the route of having a lower price but not having to pay fees and money in bank within 3 days. My brother emailed my son to get his bank details so I could transfer he's half of the money . As in a letter following his email he stated in loud words zero contact. He ignored my brother . So I text him at 4 am as I knew he would be at work told him if I didn't have his bank details by 6pm he lost the money of course he sent them at 9.30am but put thank you . Which really hurt after all the abuse in his email and letter.

After his email and letter in 2020 plus what my daughter in law wrote about me on Reddit after trolling me on GN. He not only cut me out of his life but all our side of the family . I changed my will my daughter with inherited when I die if she dies before me her son's will inherit and took out both powers of attorney my daughter and son in law are my attorneys . To safe guard and stop my son contesting my will I had to get a letter from my GP stating my neurological condition was physical and I wasn't mentally ill. Cost £40. Plus my solicitor wanted me to write about my relationship with my son before and the estrangement. Plus about my husband and his death. And the reasons I was cutting my son out of my will. They will never see the light of day unless my son contests my will plus my solicitor has a copy of his email and letter with my will.

And before anyone says I am being vindictive I am not . When he was a child and naughty there where consequences why should it be any different when he is an adult . I have a 3rd grandson with them knew he was due in July 2020 as my son had told me . He decided to estranged before he was born so I don't know his name or date of birth as he wouldn't let me know.

For 7 months after I moved to live closer to my children I saw him and 2 grandson's every week for 7 months his choice I never made them come. But still 40 mins away via a car to where they live . I don't drive . Once I moved here never invited to their house .

I didn't make this decision lightly but for it was the right thing to do. If I end up in a home there won't be any inheritance as my home will have to be sold for my care.

People have the right to leave anything in their will to who they want . I didn't know anyone has the right to contest your will up to 2 years after you die if they think they have a claim . That's why I have safe guarded my will and it will never change . It will be 5 years end of this month since I saw or spoke to my son . He choose to estrange me I never saw it coming . I didn't even know it was called estrangement.

You do as you see fit with your money i say....no one here should be judging you .....and you certainly shouldn't be made to feel any guilt .....no one has walked in your shoes ....and it sounds like a difficult path you've walked

We love our ES. Not leaving him anything in our wills isn't so he'll think we don't it's simply because we don't believe it would be appropriate to do so.

It isn't a punishment and we can only as you say Luminance be true to who (we) are.

There have been numerous discussions about this here on GN over the years and the EAC who've participated have always said that they wouldn't want to be left anything.

However when it comes to childhood, I do believe in rewarding the good behaviour. Too many of my generation were punished unduly simply because children were pushing against adults dictating their lives and then punishing emotions they hadn't learned to handle yet. I believe if it wasn't so often hard and stressful being a child we would not have the amount of mentally unwell adults I see daily. Children are people, who learn well from example and those lessons must be the right ones always.

Whiff I am deeply sorry to read your situation but you must read my the comment I made after reading the entire thread with clarity. How anyone chooses to leave their money is up to them. One person indeed might choose to leave something still to show the child they are still loved or to be fair to siblings. Another may choose to leave nothing. Those choices are rather personal I feel and easily respected. Rather, what I would not condone is leaving behind anything that warrants an attack or an attempt to hurt the child. That is something we may be judged for when we pass on. Wills I believe are tricky things and I can see why someone would take steps to ensure it was not contested. Sometimes we must cause harm in a difficult situation but even then we may leave behind as little as we can.

Luminance I love my son very much and my grandsons. But I love the son who was kind ,caring and loving . I have no idea who he is now. My son showed himself to be a cruel coward and hasn't spoken or seen me in nearly 5 years his choice . When he sent the email he knew I was waiting for further tests on my heart as they found a problem. I have a hole in the side of it. He doesn't know that as he choose to send his birthday card ,my second grandsons and the babies presents all back unopened and the babies presents crushed and a letter stating zero contact .
When I got my neurological condition diagnosed as it's hereditary I sent him a text to say I was sending a letter with a copy of my neurologists diagnosed and how to get tested if he wanted. Never heard anything. I was born disabled he was brought up with a disabled mom but neither of the children missed out on anything because of my limitations. But I was always a hands on mom .

When a child is naughty there are consequences why would I reward bad behaviour in my adult son . If I left him anything it would say I forgive him and I never will . I didn't do anything to be treated this way neither did the rest of the side of my family.

southwestgran

My elder daughter hasn’t spoken or contacted for four years despite me sending birthday cards and saying our door is always open. She is married but has no children. I’m close to my younger daughter who is going through a rough time with a divorce and two teenage grandchildren. I’ve always said I would treat my children the same no matter what they did but I’m now wondering if I should alter my will in favour of my daughter and grandchildren. Elder daughter has in-laws with property so they’ll benefit at some point.

If I had a daughter that hadn't contacted or seen me for four years I would cut her out of my will if the choice to not see /speak to me was hers .

Luminance

This was an interesting read indeed. For what it is worth, here is my thoughts as someone not estranged. I think often of what will be left to my children and what I can spare after living the life I enjoy. Leaving what I can for my children is an act of love that goes deep. I'm always rather shy of wasting money for thought of how much good it could do elsewhere. If you still love your child, who you brought into a sometimes cruel world to potentially struggle or experience loss. Then leave them something too that shows love. Leave them nothing that shows your anger or dislike or hatred. Leave them nothing that will look at you negatively. Our last act in this world, if it cannot show love must rather at least show nothing else. Rest easy when the time comes, there is a place after this one where all our deeds may be judged.

I am unsure my comment was read as it was meant. To clarify shortly, it reads, if you still love them, show that love at your passing. If you no longer love them, leave nothing that will hurt them. We must rest easy in our time. We could make a will out of anger and then pass before it could be changed and thus the last thoughts may be regret. To put it all rather more simply, be true to who you are, not who they are. I am sure that may already be so.

Even if others are in the same situation, they don't have the right to preach Marg. It's a personal decision and what maybe right for one may not be right for another.

The only anger or dislike or hatred we've experienced has come from our ES Luminance and it's because our EAC look at us negatively that we were estranged in the first place.

Why anyone would expect or desire to inherit from those they've refused to have any contact with, in some cases for years, is beyond me and if they do, that says a lot more about them than it does about anyone who decides that having them as a beneficiary wouldn't be appropriate.

My children always said after their dad died they didn't want any inheritance and to use the money I had on me . My husband left his car reg to the kids. Neither wanted it on their car . I paid to keep it registered to me even though I hadn't a car then it came free but a time limit to use it on a car or lose it. I was going to sell it in 2020 but that year my son estranged me out of the blue via email 4 days after I had a lovely time with him on my birthday. But did sell it in 2021 but went the route of having a lower price but not having to pay fees and money in bank within 3 days. My brother emailed my son to get his bank details so I could transfer he's half of the money . As in a letter following his email he stated in loud words zero contact. He ignored my brother . So I text him at 4 am as I knew he would be at work told him if I didn't have his bank details by 6pm he lost the money of course he sent them at 9.30am but put thank you . Which really hurt after all the abuse in his email and letter.

After his email and letter in 2020 plus what my daughter in law wrote about me on Reddit after trolling me on GN. He not only cut me out of his life but all our side of the family . I changed my will my daughter with inherited when I die if she dies before me her son's will inherit and took out both powers of attorney my daughter and son in law are my attorneys . To safe guard and stop my son contesting my will I had to get a letter from my GP stating my neurological condition was physical and I wasn't mentally ill. Cost £40. Plus my solicitor wanted me to write about my relationship with my son before and the estrangement. Plus about my husband and his death. And the reasons I was cutting my son out of my will. They will never see the light of day unless my son contests my will plus my solicitor has a copy of his email and letter with my will.

And before anyone says I am being vindictive I am not . When he was a child and naughty there where consequences why should it be any different when he is an adult . I have a 3rd grandson with them knew he was due in July 2020 as my son had told me . He decided to estranged before he was born so I don't know his name or date of birth as he wouldn't let me know.

For 7 months after I moved to live closer to my children I saw him and 2 grandson's every week for 7 months his choice I never made them come. But still 40 mins away via a car to where they live . I don't drive . Once I moved here never invited to their house .

I didn't make this decision lightly but for it was the right thing to do. If I end up in a home there won't be any inheritance as my home will have to be sold for my care.

People have the right to leave anything in their will to who they want . I didn't know anyone has the right to contest your will up to 2 years after you die if they think they have a claim . That's why I have safe guarded my will and it will never change . It will be 5 years end of this month since I saw or spoke to my son . He choose to estrange me I never saw it coming . I didn't even know it was called estrangement.

Thank you Nana49 people that are not in our situation should never attempt to preach what they consider to be right, how dare they. We made our decision with a lot of soul searching and felt deeply that it is the right thing to do.

Nana49

Apparently social climate is changing & we're living in an era where people choose to remove their parents because it's just not working for them. Sort of like a marriage isn't working & you can walk away, so adult children are taking the same stance with parents.
All I can say is I hope people who estrange themselves really are looking at what they're doing & why & are happy with their decisions & lives.

Nana, I agree with both your posts above. Sadly I have a friend in this same position. One of her children is extremely low or NC and her lifestyle choices and behaviours have caused problems. My friend is now considering her Will and may well either leave all, or at least the vast bulk to her other child. I'm not estranged but due to her I've done a fair bit of reading round. This does seem pretty endemic. And unfortunately my friend's NC/LC child is likely to be arriving via the screech of tyres at her passing to see what's on offer.

Apparently social climate is changing & we're living in an era where people choose to remove their parents because it's just not working for them. Sort of like a marriage isn't working & you can walk away, so adult children are taking the same stance with parents.
All I can say is I hope people who estrange themselves really are looking at what they're doing & why & are happy with their decisions & lives.

I get this as someone who has an estranged daughter, and two who aren't.
My estranged DD will not have contact with anyone who has contact with us, including her siblings. She has caused so much pain & has done some seriously damaging & hurtful things that I'm not going to go into but actually causing me a lot of fear & distress. Over a period of 7 years.

I stayed in hope until I had to back out for my own mental health.
For me, it's about whether we support her now, in life. She won't accept any support or help from us which is her perogative.

I get people who think it's right to be fair across the board. Under normal circumstances I'd agree & it's actually what I believe should happen. But you can't KNOW until you're in the position.
In our case my other DC's would be really upset if we decided to leave their estranged sibling anything because she's treated everyone including them so badly.
It's really a personal decision & given my knowledge now, I would say OP should do what she thinks is right for her & knowing her situation best.

I see a lot of speculation from people who are judging on their own situations & probably don't have experience of estrangement or alienation.

This was an interesting read indeed. For what it is worth, here is my thoughts as someone not estranged. I think often of what will be left to my children and what I can spare after living the life I enjoy. Leaving what I can for my children is an act of love that goes deep. I'm always rather shy of wasting money for thought of how much good it could do elsewhere. If you still love your child, who you brought into a sometimes cruel world to potentially struggle or experience loss. Then leave them something too that shows love. Leave them nothing that shows your anger or dislike or hatred. Leave them nothing that will look at you negatively. Our last act in this world, if it cannot show love must rather at least show nothing else. Rest easy when the time comes, there is a place after this one where all our deeds may be judged.

We haven't seen or spoken to our son for twelve years, why on earth should he inherit every that we've built over the years by hard work (and love), no that's not going to happen. He hasn't got any children so everything will go to our daughter and granddaughter. I don't lose any sleep over our decision at all.

If you are in a good financial state, help your daughter now but when you die, don't leave elder daughter out of your will. Don’t act in haste.

I've asked Gransnet to remove this post, I've put it in the wrong place.. so sorry everyone 🤦‍♀️

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Same for me. I’ll leave whatever I can to those who have been there.

I’ve seen all this with others (in RL). The ACs never ever see or contact their parents, for whatever reasons, and then the minute they hear of a death, you can hear the screech of tyres with them hareing up to see if they’ve got any cash/goodies.🙄

Unedifying. 🤷‍♀️

In my opinion, four years of not speaking is quite long enough for me to make up my mind about changing my will.

You have tried your best and she has kicked your attempts back in your face by not getting in touch with you.

I would not think twice about cutting her out of my will and leaving it to the person who has always been there for me.

I bet she will be there if you ever fall seriously ill, wanting her share of the goodies.

I would heavily caution OP against deciding—especially so early on into estrangement, comparatively—to favor one child over the other in their will. I can’t see a single way this would do anything but cause harm and suffering to the sisters after their parent’s death, a time which is complex even for those whose choice to estrange was clear-cut and fully beneficial for them. If their relationship is healthy this choice could absolutely torpedo that.

I’ve read through the entire thread but haven’t seen OP offer any additional details on their separation; have I missed any comments regarding reconciliation attempts?

Smileless2012

I understand that too Witzend. Were we not estranged, we'd have done a 50/50 split regardless of their personal financial circumstances.

Yes, that’s how my will is set up, with my two ACs, who I have no problem with.

But, if things change, then that brings other changes with it. 🙂