Strength after narcissistic abuse

Sara she just sounds like a vulnerable/covert narcissist to be honest with you

Most of the above describes a narc.

My mother seems to be the opposite of a narcissist.
Socially very awkward, hasn’t a good word to say about anyone, enjoys other people’s disappointments and disasters, cold, undemonstrative, critical, embarrassed or disgusted by my behaviour, disliked and criticised every friend and boyfriend I ever had.was completely capable of ignoring me when I visited and spoke only to my children, refused to have my husband in the house for years for no good reason, and yet for forty years I kept on trying.
So happy to be free of her.

It was wonderful for me to read all of these posts. I always thought I was the only one with these sorts of problems with my mother. She was fine with everyone else and all who knew her thought she was great. It took far too many years for me to be strong enough not to care. If only I had known how to get help. Finally when she was 97 she told me she was surprised that I had ‘ turned out better than she had expected’ and that I must have been surprised too. By that time I was well past caring what she thought.

@Smileless Thanks for your opinion. I don't really care what you think, however. Your time spent on me is wasted.

To anyone else:

I know my mom was abused and subject to a lot of terrible treatment growing up. She may or may not be narcissistic or any other label but I do know the way she acted was harmful. If she is doing me harm, I can disengage. I really don't care why she does what she does. She is actually quite deep into harmful conspiracy theories and likely needs medical help. I tried for too long to be the one to help at my own expense.

I got away earlier than a lot of adult children which I'm grateful for. It has been a few years and I feel like I'm still constructing my identity from scratch.

No they cannot stop their entirely predictable behaviour

Anything good or positive they just have to tear it down

I've become very adept at dealing with narcissists over time, just ignore them when possible or smile in the face of their put downs and attempts to insert themselves as the most important person in the room.

JaneJudge

There is a massive assumption that those of us who have been abused have taken an active step to estrange our parent, often the opposite is true. What Josie posted earlier in the thread about abused people ending up in therapy wondering what the hell has happened is true for many of us. People who abuse their own children don't need to be defended

JaneJudge absolutely. So often, the person with NPD or traits of is cutting you out/ damaging your reputation/ making up crazy things and then twisting and blaming you etc etc all whilst saying they aren’t . It truely is psychological warfare and its horrendous. So many people on the receiving end of this disordered behaviour are so convinced they are the problem, the issue, the crazy one, which of course is part of the abuse - until they start talking to a therapist of course. For me what stands out is you dont know unless you know in this situation. A true narcissist almost follows a script - they do the same sorts of things to others, so much so its quite strange - but unless you’ve experienced it, you cannot know the madness and the sheer insanity of it. Its like the world turns topsy turvey and the narcissist is relentless, they show no remorse compassion or empathy. They wont stop. Of course they just don’t follow normal ways of interacting.

BPD and emotional dysregulation are often confused with each other icanhandthemback because emotional dysregulation is a component of BPD.

Everyone with BPD experiences emotional dysregulation but not everyone who experiences emotional dysregulation has BPD.

User138562 I sent you a private message, we don't get notifications here sadly

Sara1954

Violetsky. I can really relate to your last comment, I feel like my mother made me into the worst version of myself.
Now I can just be me, far from perfect, but definitely a better person.

I truly believe no one should ever be perfect, especially parents... Children need to learn by example how to deal with all sorts of things... Especially difficult situations and emotions

Perfectly imperfect is the way to go 😊

Some of these people have no idea, and piddling about with definitions is totally beside the point.

Yes, I felt that when I read some of the comments.

I think partly it is so difficult to accept because they are often charming individuals to those outside of their own immediate family and others choose to judge those who 'break away'.

Absolutely. My mother knew exactly how to behave in company and only those in a more intimate relationship would see the side of her we saw as kids. Her behaviour was violent at times, highly critical all the time, love bombing at times but cold as ice and cruel when you stepped out of line, gas lighting to a huge degree and never, ever, ever wrong. Even when she did something nice it turned out that she wanted something in return and usually at far greater emotional cost than a reasonable person would give.

As you'll know, emotional dysregulation is where someone has difficulty regulating emotions, often feeling overwhelmed and finding it difficult to control their emotions. This is nothing like narcissism.

Borderline Personality Disorder is often referred to as Emotional Dysregulation. Whilst you may not mean to damage your children or other people around you, it can play a part. My daughter suffers from this and it can make her seem very manipulative. She has estranged me at the moment because I won't be manipulated by her behaviour which is very emotionally dysregulated currently. It is extremely tiring to deal with her when she is in this state but it doesn't stop me loving her or trying to do my best for her but even when she becomes calmer I know I will always be walking a tightrope with her. She's my daughter and it is very hard to accept that she may never be truly happy which is all I ever wanted for her.

Violetsky. I can really relate to your last comment, I feel like my mother made me into the worst version of myself.
Now I can just be me, far from perfect, but definitely a better person.

Wow! You just so accurately described my partner and our relationship.
He has now died and I have moved on and I’m happy but I’m still working on improving me … thank you x

"Labels can be dangerous in mental health. Both in getting treatment and others' understanding" that's so true Frogoet.

As you'll know, emotional dysregulation is where someone has difficulty regulating emotions, often feeling overwhelmed and finding it difficult to control their emotions. This is nothing like narcissism.

You say you regret not persevering more with your m.i.l. If you were a narcissist, you'd have no regrets.

I find your response to Frogoet unnecessarily unkind User. She has contributed to this discussion from her own experience just as everyone has done.

"Your experiences don't extend to all of us" she hasn't claimed they do and likewise, your experience doesn't extend to her. She has not pushed "people to accept their abusers back into their lives" she has simply talked about her own experience, like everyone else here.

She has as much right to "come into this space" as anyone else and talk about her own experiences, how she feels about them and how they have affected her life.

I ended up on the verge of a nervous breakdown not wanting to be here any more. Got myself mental health support and was advised my mother was the problem not me. I took a break and that's when my children started to say they didn't want to see her and why, so we estranged.

It saved my life. I'm such a different person now, I actually like myself, I finally finished my education and got a job I love. I feel like the person I should have been without her

There is a massive assumption that those of us who have been abused have taken an active step to estrange our parent, often the opposite is true. What Josie posted earlier in the thread about abused people ending up in therapy wondering what the hell has happened is true for many of us. People who abuse their own children don't need to be defended

Ahh thank you- yes I know I do & to stop feeling guilty- TBF she does have carers in twice a day but if I don’t go it means she’s house bound too. Sometimes I am glad I didn’t have any children in case I treated them the same way as it’s made me hard & cynical because the treatment I got as a child & growing up.

Turfmop

Excellent comment, Ladysuesie. Labelling someone without being qualified seems unnecessary; sufficient to say you feel the benefit of their absence from your life. One of my children no longer wants to have any contact, the other four are fine with me (warts and all!)

This person has actually said they think their own son might be narcissistic

Frogoet

No not a narcissist having read the poster’s link.
I’m so proud of my kids. I love them and want the best for them.
The pain of being cut out is a physical one.
Not a course I could have taken though my mum had some narcissistic traits. I suspect we are all on the spectrum somewhere.
I loved and respected her because as do we all, she was not of or in a perfect world and did what she could, though I’d have wished things different.
Do go and see ‘All we are strangers’. I’d give anything to meet my dad who died when I was 10..
make the most of those that are alive. They won’t always be.

That is your experience, and you need to recognize that everyone who made a choice to estrange their parent also have their own experiences.

If you feel the behavior we are talking about doesn't describe you, then why take issue with the discussion? Our parents were abusive, and keeping them in our lives harmed us. Everyone can decide for themselves what relationships they can handle. I could have maintained a relationship with my mom but the sacrifices it would take (sacrifices of my time and mental health) were too much. I chose myself.

You can choose what you accept. You are the one who knows your life best. Your experiences don't extend to all of us, and pushing people to accept their abusers back into their lives is irresponsible.

I can't see why you'd come into this space with that argument if the toxic traits we are discussing don't apply to you.

I was in my 50s when broke all ties with my narcissistic mother. I'm ashamed to say it took her turning on my daughter, to please my equally narcissistic sister, to give me the strength to break free. I wasn't going to subject my daughter to their nastiness, in the way I allowed myself suffer at their hands. Wish I'd done it decades ago and avoided my children experiencing any of it.

So sorry.
I miss my parents all the time. One dried in 1965 leaving a hole that caused ripples in 4 lives. The other 5 years ago.
Oh the joy of knowing someone always cared.

No not a narcissist having read the poster’s link.
I’m so proud of my kids. I love them and want the best for them.
The pain of being cut out is a physical one.
Not a course I could have taken though my mum had some narcissistic traits. I suspect we are all on the spectrum somewhere.
I loved and respected her because as do we all, she was not of or in a perfect world and did what she could, though I’d have wished things different.
Do go and see ‘All we are strangers’. I’d give anything to meet my dad who died when I was 10..
make the most of those that are alive. They won’t always be.

I read this with interest as it resonates in my own situation. Poor mental health and sheer bad luck [ an horrific accident] has blighted my life but I did my best as a parent of my lovely children when they were young and even now when they need me.
Now when I really need them they are judgemental and/ or don’t communicate at all.
I’m devastated and am sitting here thinking am I a narcissist.
However my diagnosis was always anxiety, depression but now also includes ‘emotional dysregulation.’
Labels can be dangerous in mental health. Both in getting treatment and others’ understanding.
Are my children getting the advice in counselling to do what the poster suggests?
Families are complex and excluding anyone has repercussions all round.
Does the poster believe her mother was so entrenched she was too dangerous/ too unworthy to continue with? Ever try to have the difficult conversation things should change?
My own MIL was difficult and I regret I didn’t persevere more as looking back I can see she was ill and lonely. I never ever excluded her from our lives though.
I would like to have done more, not less.

I think partly it is so difficult to accept because they are often charming individuals to those outside of their own immediate family and others choose to judge those who 'break away'. I find it upsetting that I've been described pretty much the complete opposite f who I am to people who don't matter really, but it's still there and it is like the continuous rhetoric of how awful everything is you do. Yet I know I am a good, kind person but that was wrong as well.

I actually think my biological Father is a sociopath though

It took until I was 60 before I realised that the way my mother controlled me wasn’t normal. I had counseling and decided to do something about it. I still see her and during I did her and her husband’s shopping but took advantage of not being able to spend time with her. She has been in a care home for the last 18 months as she has dementia. Originally I was seeing her every week but since my terminal cancer diagnosis I have reduced it to every 4to 6 weeks and I don’t feel guilty about it. Unfortunately I discovered that my sister had stolen £18k from my mother and her husbands bank account. We both have POA which I made my sister recinde and don’t have have any contact with her.