In hindsight, do you think there was a way to have prevented estrangement?

Continue being consistent, truthful, loving and kind to themand let them go. They will really value you and will still need you in this increasingly challenging world for young people. Be their rock but not needy.. you have plenty of years to find lovely things to do just for yourself as well..

When children grow up and have their own lives it is an emotional time for parents, and with your circumstances of having been the sole carer, and with the horrible events you have touched upon, you will naturally feel it more keenly. I agree completely that someone being 'toxic' about you for an hour won't tip the balance for a loving Mother with a lifetime of care and support. It is important that you have interests of your own; you will then have plenty to talk to your children about, and you won't be so dependent on living a vicarious life. I so hope your situation improves - a good deal of it is in your own hands, and as Anne Frank said (paraphrasing here) 'We don't have to wait one second to begin to make the world a better place' x

I’m many years on from where you are Dazy but I struggle with the fact that my children ( who were also my world) seem to socialise far more with their father and his family, even though he left us for someone else and I’m still the one that provides childcare etc. I wonder if, when their father still lived with you, you were still the disciplinarian ( I’ve always thought that that always falls upon one parent and not the other) and it’s just continuing in that way? Can’t really offer advice other than try to make a life for yourself and be happy.

"petty reasons like being told off for ... normal things to be told off about!"

What were those petty things and normal things?

Hello Dazy. Yes, you need to have a life that isn't centred around your children but I understand how having brought them up as a single parent they've been your main focus.

Their behaviour is probably down to them being teenagers, but wont be helped by your ex m.i.l. running you down to your D.

How do you know, did your D tell you? Communication is the key, being able to talk about what bothers/upsets them and as they're teenagers when it comes to their behaviour, that needs to be reciprocal. You need to be able to do the same.

TBH I think you're worrying unnecessarily about estrangement in the future and this current situation is down to them going through that difficult teenage experience. .

silverlining48, a huge thank you. That's sage advice.

Your children are still young, teenagers are generally awkward but yes the advice about making a life for yourself is good. I was another who put everything into my children and realise now it is not the best idea. As for trying to get your daughter to study, I nagged too, and I realise it’s up to her, it’s her life, her future.
Join something, see or make friends, get involved somehow.
I had a Similar poisonous mother in law , ignore , you have lots of years ahead so enjoy.
You can do this .

Thank you both, I really do appreciate the shared thoughts. Yes I can see sense in that, building a life of my own. Illness and bereavement has made that hard but you're right, I've got to try.

Hello Dazy, welcome to GN

Your post rang a bell or two for me and if I can be blunt, the answer I’d offer to avoid estrangement is to get a life of your own. Making anyone the reason for your existence is a huge mistake. Your kids wont want or need to be saddled with that burden.

I was a single parent of two boys raising them totally alone from before either of them was as school. I made them everything. As they became independent I saw my mistake and made an effort to build a life for myself. It’s not easy but it will be worth it. Good luck!

I don’t know but whilst your children were your reason for existence you need to let them become adults now and have other reasons to live. Your daughter won't believe an hour of toxicity over a lifetime of love.
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Someone will come along soon with more experience.
I hope you have a life separately from them. They need to see you "functioning" again after all your pain, I think.