Friendship, advice and support if estrangement has affected your life

Hi everyone - hope everyone well.

I'm still plodding on here - some days are better than others, but I suppose I'm slowly adapting to living alone.

Still can't eat or sleep properly though - hopefully that will improve.

After hesitating for 5 months, I finally decided to put in a formal complaint to the hospital DH was in.

A&E were ok (considering the current problems), the first ward following admission, was 9 days of hell, which has (apparently) left me with P`TSD.

Not sure I buy into that, as I remember friends of my parents, who had fought and been imprisoned in the last war with that. Not sure that 9 days of dealing with the NHS does it.🙄

But, it did leave me shell shocked. The 2nd ward, where he was treated for "end of life care" were wonderful.

So, I carefully laid it out, praise where due, but being honest about the negative.

I sent DD a copy before I sent it. She agreed I'd got it right.

So, I did a "stamp and post" letter to the Chief Exec and copied in PALS.

They have launched an enquiry - trouble is that keep going over it with them rocks me again.

But, although it cannot help me or DH now, it wasn't right and I'd hate anyone else to go through it. Nothing about it was due to lack of funds/lack of staff. It was just badly managed.

I just felt I had to do it.

Adding to the fray is that I've got to go in there next month as a day patient for a minor keyhole op.....what could possibly go wrong? lol 😳

Still, on we press.

Hope everyone has a nice day 💐

Thanks Allsorts. Both her parents took her brother and sister with them as they were 13 and 14. When the marriage failed because of her dad's womanising. She left her other children there . Yes they are adults . But has only seen them once . That was when my son and daughter in law got married. As they live the other side of the world. My daughter in law cut her dad out of her life when her mom came back. My grandson's only know one nannie. None of our side of the family . Their choice.

I never mention my son to his sister . And when her eldest asks who the boys are in the photos . I tell him their names but not they are cousins as he understands what cousins are he has 2 by my son in laws sister. He asks if I play with them but just say no I don't see them. When he is lot older I will explain.

When I stayed with my daughter and family for 4 weeks while had new shower room, bedroom re plastered ,loft hatch put in my bedroom instead of shower room ,everything painted and new doors hung. The first time I went to my room so as to give them some family time. My daughter followed after few minutes thinking I was ill. But explained they needed time without me..She invited me to go with them when they went out but I said no. Their time together was precious.

I offered her housekeeping money she refused but I knew where they keep some cash . So put £50 at the bottom of the pile. When they where out.

Once home after a week I found £50.hidden behind my clock. When I looked after my grandson for 4 days over 4 weeks in the summer. They gave me a thank you card with £40 in it . Told her I didn't want it. But she insisted as I took my grandson out of lunch twice . He loves going on the bus. But I have spent that money on the boys for Christmas as an extra gift so they had it back.

That's the big difference between both families my daughter and son in law are all give and I realised my son and daughter in law where all take.

Like I said funny how things pop into my head.

Whiff, I can’t understand why your sons mil is still living with them, it’s very selfish to expect three growing boys to share one bedroom, particularly as she didn’t give her own children a thought when she left them. It takes all sorts. I have noticed that some children that were moved from pillar to post, still crave that time with the parent who abandoned them.

Smiles glad you had an good time with your friends . You are in for a fun Christmas with them. Because of my hands have wrapped presents for grandsons birthday and Christmas presents as their birthdays are either side of Christmas I buy all the presents in one and spilt between the 2 days. Always more for Christmas. After talking to my brother we decided not to bother with gifts this year . We didn't bother with birthdays gifts. If we want anything we just get it. And never know what to get them . Wrapped other presents I am giving . And written all my Christmas cards and birthday cards for the rest of the year. Have to do it early when my hands are ok.

We are doing secret Santa at craft group again and having a party like last year but this year going to play games. I have already stitched my secret Santa just have to finish it off. It's something you can hang or stand no bigger than your hand and any craft.

My daughter popped in yesterday had a few jobs needed doing. I didn't know my wired in smoke alarm had a back up battery until it started beeping. So she put in new battery,changed my bed and put my bench back into the garage. Will varnish it next year with yacht varnish in the late spring as I do every year.

Hope K's new job goes well and she enjoys it. Being with new people will probably help her. Well I hope so.

Our craft group membership is growing . One of the ones who started it decided we need a list of who's in it and who attends. We haven't bothered before but it makes sense in case of a fire. We all agreed. Baking week this week. Going to make lemon drizzle but a big one this time as there are more of us.

Got my youngest grandson for few hours on Saturday . He's brothers at a birthday party and his dad will be at the football . My daughter told me yesterday he's now in a bed. But he won't get out himself . He shouts for her his brother has told him he can get out himself . His mom and dad have told him as well. But he shouts for her and when she gets there says hello mommy . She says you can get out yourself . He just lies there and says no mommy do it. He is funny.
But I am lucky I get to be with them.

Funny how my daughter and son in law have always trusted me with their boys . Especially with the oldest because I was still having the limb jerks and seizures but they trusted me alone with him for few hours while they went out. But my son and daughter in law never trusted to be alone in the same room as the 2 grandson's I know.

But my daughter always said you never hurt us so why would you hurt your grandson. Since their youngest was born I have been on tablets to stop the jerks and siezures. She was 4 and my son 6 months old when the limb jerks started in 1988. Seizures didn't start until 2019.

I never took any notice of the differences between the families as I was just happy to be with them . Living so far away until 2019 only saw them so many times a year but my daughter made sure I saw them more than my son .

It was only after the estrangement I realised all the things I did with my daughter's boys but never allowed to do with my son's but his mother in law was . And she smokes. Not in the house but outside . But what an example for my 3 grandson's.

I am independent and have been since my husband died and would never live with either family I decided that after my husband died. But my son's mother in law has lived with them for 8 years . Which annoys me no end . I am not jealous. But my 3 grandson's have to share a bedroom. She is capable of living on her own . And I am the bad mother. I am dependant on no one for the roof over my head or food on my plate. It has always annoyed me. I was told it was a temporary arrangement while she found a flat to live in . My only hope is she pays her way and not sponging off my son and her own daughter who she abandoned for 9 years. Before coming back to this country.

No idea why it's bugging me so much today as normally don't think about it.

Funny how things pop into your head .

Smiles

Morning everyone, hope you're all doing OK.

Had a lovely few days with S but it was all over too quickly, but she and her DH are coming for Christmas so not too long to wait until we're together again.

It will be lovely for us to have someone to share the festivities with as it's just been the two of us for many years and knowing that our lovely girls wouldn't be popping in was making me not look forward to Christmas, which I love.

K is up again this weekend, the pull of the home she and S shared seems to be quite strong at the moment but she starts a new job on Monday which I'm hoping will help her to settle a bit better.

It's been a long time since Mr. S. gave me a piggy back and I don't think either of us could manage it now, but it would be a laugh to give it a go wouldn't it .

agnurse sure I saw that, think it was in Holland when the Hairy Bikers did a series set in Europe.

All sorts

You might need to look into the sport of wife carrying. (And yes, that IS actually a thing, and it is not necessarily a requirement that the couple involved actually be husband and wife.)

Allsorts very funny
Sometimes I wouldn't mind a piggy back when tired, but he would have to be very tall and strong (and handsome) to manage me and doubt his back would recover

Allsorts I think if I hadn't had my Covid jab Wednesday before I tested positive for Covid on the Saturday my symptoms would have been worse. Incubation period for Covid is 7-10 days . I must have been incubating it when I had my jab. Apart from sleeping most of the weekend and pain in my limbs worse those were the only symptoms I got. I was negative on the Wednesday.

I know you have had Covid multiple times and have been very ill each time. But I think of it this way how ill would you have been unless you had the Covid jabs .

I know pre jabs my brother and sister in law were seriously ill for 6 weeks. Sent my sister in law's MS into over drive and she has never got back to how she was and this was in 2020. My brother was so ill one night he dictated his will on his phoned. He was convinced he would die. Once they could have the the Covid jab they had them and ever since. They had Covid last year but both said it was just like a cold and the only side effect from it was he doesn't like coffee anymore. This is a man who had his black coffee very strong and drank 8-10 mugs a day. Luckily it didn't effect my sister in law's MS.

Talking to my brother the other day we decided not to bother with Christmas presents this year. If we want things we just get them and never know what to get. We didn't bother with birthday presents this year for the same reason.

But my tree will go up first of December as usual I put the lights and my grandson's decorate it . The youngest will be 3 next month so will beable to do more this year plus he's taller like his brother.

Never not had my tree up as I love Christmas and it was my husband's favourite time of the year. I see him every year once the tree is decorated standing by it .

Only Christmas presents I haven't got yet are for my daughter and son in law as they haven't told me what they would like. Got everything else I am buying . Plus all my Christmas cards and the boys none chocolate advent calendars. That reminds me must get the chocolate ones for my daughter and son in law. When she was 16 she asked if they could have chocolate ones. My parents always brought them none chocolate ones. So ever since I have brought chocolate ones used to be for the 4 adults until the estrangement happened with my son. Even though both my daughter and son in law are 40 they will get there choc advent.

Cold here today . Take care everyone and hope your Covid jab doesn't hurt to much Allsorts. I just had a sore arm for 2 days.

Haven't given Christmas a thought, all my grandchildren just want money which I don't like giving, much prefer a gift, but even their parents are finding it difficult as they have their own ideas now. There was one I didn't see though through all the years. .
Sometimes I wouldn't mind a piggy back when tired, but he would have to be very tall and strong (and handsome) to manage me and doubt his back would recover.
Another Covid Vax today but I still feel unwell from having Covid in the summer but doctor said to have it.
You have sone good friends Smileless, it's true you can choose your friends but not your family. We put up with far more off family than we would friends.

The thought of Anne getting us to do piggy backs made me laugh. I am the youngest in the class at 65 and oldest 91. A couple can't stand up straight. But we have a good workout. Funny enough I do the exercises easier than I can walk. 🤣.

Well done on your circuit training Whiff. I tried that once when I lived in Holland, the trainer was an ex-footballer and he had us giving piggybacks to each other! He clearly didn't understand a women body, never went back.

I don't like travelling far either anymore Whiff
Phone ringing...

Whiff My son made light work of putting new fences in, just pulled the old ones out and slotted new ones in with me just guiding in one side. I thought it would be a lot harder than that, but my son is 6ft 2inchs or more & strong too.

My sister should only have taken 1hr 30mins to get there, so don't know what happened there.

Yogin bet you and your son had a laugh putting up your fence . Did either of you get bashed with a fence panel or trip over something. I remember many years ago when my son was younger he helped his dad put up a new fence. Much laughter and swearing involved.

Hope your sister thought the party was worth the 5 hours to get there . She must have been exhausted travelling . I would never travel for that long for a party.

My niece got married a week ago only a small wedding 20 people. I knew I wouldn't be invited but if I had of been I wouldn't have gone. I love her very much but have no intention of ever going back to the county I moved from . And it would have taken me over 3 hours to get to the venue . I can't travel 6+ hours in a day now then attend a wedding party . My body won't let me. Traveling for 2 hours each way is my limit now in a day . And always by train . I couldn't be couped up on a coach.

It takes nearly 4 hours on the train to get to my brother's but stay for 5 days so ready for the journey home. Always have travel assistance brilliant service. Never have to worry about getting on the wrong train or miss a connection..

We did circuit training at sit fit yesterday. It's amazing how long a minute is when doing an exercise. We had the pedals yesterday and got up to 52 no idea what it meant but was pleased as we have to do the circuit twice first time I got to 40. 6 different exercises twice. This is after doing the warm up for 20 mins. Doing exercises to the rolling stones means you go full out. But I love it. Keeps my mind active as well as my body.

I asked my craft group if we where doing secret Santa this year again. So we are which is a good job as I had already done mine. Well the cross stitch and back stitch part just need to finish it off. The criteria is something size of your hand to either stand or hang. We will be having our party as well. Already decided to make brownies ,cheese lumps ( they are biscuits but as I can't use a rolling pin anymore just spoon mixture out ) and sweet potato and mango chutney samasoes and something else sweet.

Already got most of my Christmas presents last month and Christmas cards.

I buy all the presents for my grandson's as the youngest is 3 next month and his brother 6 in January. So buy all presents for both and decide what to give for each occasion. Always more for Christmas.

I have to do things in advance it's the only way I don't forget to do things. Plus everything is put on my calendar otherwise it doesn't exist. My daughter asked me month ago about going to see Santa in December so that's on my calendar.

Did I say I am not longer the only person my neurologist has with HPX . I am on a Facebook group world wide for people who have it . She saw my neurologist in June and her blood was sent to Cardiff for testing. She has a different mutant to mine as her dad and sister have it but live in a different county to her. She lives in the next county to me. I am glad my neurologist has another patient with it as he's having to learn about HPX. And as her gene mutation will be different to mine something more of him to learn about.

Well better get up and get the day started. Have a good one everyone.

Thanks for that Whiff I've heard some funny stories of HGV getting stuck under bridges or narrow lanes!

My DD came round Sunday, to give me the low down on the party. My sister took 5hrs to get there! My son didn't go so we put up new fences in the garden which look great and will stop next doors footballs flying in and hitting my patio doors, also stop the little girl and her friends standing on something to stick their heads above the fence and then goading my little dog to react and bark!

Yogin glad I could help about HGV driving . I know both my son and brother liked being out on the road but it is hard work . Like I said people think it's easy just to drive but they don't realise all the paperwork and having to work to time limits and the physical work involved. Plus hopefully this will give you a smile. Once my brother was following the SAT nav through this small village. Suddenly a bridge appeared that wasn't on the SAT nav. When he asked a passer by they said it was supposed to have been demolished 4 years before but the council changed their mind. With much swearing my brother managed to back up and find a different route without the SAT nav.

Forgot to say I was sorry you wasn't invited to the party and everyone else was. I hope you are ok and not to upset. That's the one advantage of my son not just dumping me but all our side of the family. After my mother in law died and the will sorted we had nothing to do with my husband's side of the family. There wasn't a nice member of that family so glad not to have anything to do with them .

Because it was nice yesterday I managed to cut down things in the front garden so happy that looks better and lined my greenhouse ready for seeds to be planted in January/February. If it's nice today will cut things down in the back garden. It's green bin day tomorrow.

Hopefully you will all have the warmer weather today. Take care all. Hope Hugs pops in soon to let us know how it's going in her new home .

Happy birthday to your eldest GS Whiff

Yes, you had true love with your DH Whiff it's heart-warming to read, so sorry you lost him so young

Thank you Smiles the party is today, lovely day for it too, I was hoping for thunderstorms [not really]. Having asked my son yet if he's going.

All this baking sounds wonderful, I used to when the C were still had home, but not much now, I did do in the lockdown though. My mum & nan were wonderful cooks & bakers. I think most women were back then, whereas now the cakes in Tesco & the like are so good!

Yes, I love Xmas too and the carols are wonderful, we need an audio of yours Smiles.

Smiles you always make me smile about your dogs. They always sound like toddlers or moody teenagers.

K may never settle in the home she shared with S . I know for me after my husband died it never felt like home. I suppose because he made it home . Also once the children left home I rattled round it and didn't want to live there anymore. But had no choice my parents and mother in law needed me. And I could never abandoned them. Even as vile as my mother in law was I couldn't not help her. I am no goody two shoes and can hold a grudge like no one's business. But even though I hated her and she and my father in law had said and done awful things . She was still family. Think that's why I will never understand my son and daughter in law doing this to me. They both know what an awful mother,mother in law and nan is as they both knew her.

Today is my oldest grandson's 7th birthday. So as always wished him happy birthday to the air. He hasn't had a card or presents from me since 2019. But he will have forgotten me by now. But when he's older if he wants to find me I will be here. But that will be his choice. I just hope his parents haven't told him I am dead.

I was talking about K and her home with S. I didn't find peace until I moved here 4 years ago . I brought all my memories with me and my old furniture. But I felt at home as soon as I saw my bungalow . Before in my old house I didn't sleep well from before we had the children. But here from the first night I slept as soon as my head hit the pillow . Moving gave me my life back. Which sounds odd but before my move even after mom died and I got jaundice and was seriously ill then to find out I could have died. Made my home into a prison . Until I moved I couldn't do want my husband wanted me to do and he made me promise to live the best life I can. And now I do. From when I had the keys to here.

And what my son has done hasn't made me not live my life to the full. I have to many good things happening what he has done hasn't spoilt that. In the great scheme of things what he has done is a blip.

This support thread got me there . If he thought to make me unhappy he did for a while but here knowing I wasn't alone made me realise he has done it for his own selfish means and made me realise my kind loving son is really cruel and a coward. For all my in laws where vile at things they did it to our face . Not via email and letter.

Even though the house was mine after my husband died. It was still our home ,still the children's bedrooms . But here it's all mine. My choice of colours even what's in the garden is my choice. Until I moved here never had that. Sounds selfish but until I brought my bungalow never had anything that was mine and mine alone . Perhaps that's why I am so happy here I don't know.

I would give everything I have to have my husband back safe and healthy but I can't. He was my happy place and my old house wasn't because he wasn't there. But here not having any memories of him here means this is my happy place . My grief for him doesn't ease as the years go by it just deepens but I live with it. But I am lucky we found eachother while young and to be so loved and love in return is so precious. Some people live their whole lives and never have that. But we did for 29 years and married for 22.

He is and will forever be my one and only . We made a whole and have only been half since he took his last breath. That's the price you pay for true love. Because of him I live a full life . He made me feel special and showed me so much love I have no room in my life for another man. He was my one and only and glad he was.

Whiff thanks for that, very interesting. Yes, my son has to take a break when he's done a certain number of hours. So, you have told me he's hours are normal! He had a good night sleep last night, 10hrs and has the w/e off. He loves the job & it's me that's so concerned with the hours, he seems ok with it, saying It's the job mum I'll pass on what you've said. xx

Morning everyone.

We had a great evening yesterday, went to see the film 'Angel Headed Hipster' about Marc Bolan. I always loved his music and had forgotten what a pretty man he was. When we got home we played all of our favourites which rounded the evening off beautifully.

Our lovely girl K goes back down to her parents today so feeling a little sad as we'll miss her but I have a feeling that there's a small chance she'll eventually move back in next door, as the last few days have gone a lot better for her than she anticipated.

My dear friend from Portsmouth arrives this morning to stay until Thursday, she's bringing her Cockapoo which will please our little poodle but not necessarily our needy Cockapoo who bless her is rather needy for attention and despite my best efforts, is unable to grasp the concept that 'sharing is caring'.

Have a good day everyone.

That will have been hurtful and upsetting Yogin, knowing you were the only one not to be invited .

That poor family, such a lot to contend with but hopefully their closeness will help them to get through.

Yes, the top needs to be crispy Whiff so after baking for longer on a lower heat, I turn the oven off and leave mine to cool in the oven. 100% success rate .

Even though it's just the two of us, we always decorate the house inside and out. I love Christmas especially the carols, which I love even more now I'm in a choir.

We think of Christmas in the same way we think of every aspect of our lives; making the most of what we have while we can because you never know when something or someone will be taken away.

Losing our dear S was a stark reminder.

In my experience wicked horrible people live long lives and the good people die young. My mother in law out lived her son but 11 years she didn't deserve those years. She denied she had a son or 2 grandchildren. But because of my love for my husband I never gave up on her . Even though my brother said why bother but she was my husband's mom and the children's nan I was brought up with a strong sense of family and I live by a certain code. Even though my son has turned his back on me I will never deny I have a son , daughter in law and 3 grandson's. Whether they like or not they are still my family. And when I am dead and gone I will still have been his mom and nannie to my grandson's.

How that must stick in my daughter in law's claw . But it's a fact that can never be changed. So in the end I win.

Smiles my husband always like my lemon meringue to have a crisp topping not just brown so used to cook the meringue at a lower temperature for 30-40 mins so it was brown but crisp .

Have a lovely time with your friend. And having the carol concerts to look forward to . I love Christmas carols especially in the bleak mid winter always been my favourite.

I remember my mom saying the dentist they had was an ex army dentist and when he pulled a tooth would put his knee in people's chests. When my grandad found out they used a different dentist. Must admit I don't go to the dentist unless something needs doing . I don't mind how much I pay for my eyes and if I ever need a hearing aid I will have a NHS one. But the cost of dental care is something I wouldn't pay for. Hence my broken teeth and missing one. But I do look after them .

Seeing your lovely girl must have been a mixture of joy and sadness . All the firsts are hard but in my experience every special day still is as the years go by you just learn to cope The empty side of the bed I still hate. In the early days I always knew if I had a really bad night as I used to wake up on my husband's side of the bed. Slept with a cuddly snowman for the first 8 months as I needed something to hold. Funny enough my husband won it at our GPs raffle also he won a big hamper of goodies on the raffle for the cancer unit that treated him . He said finally I get lucky and I am dieing.. But he said it with a smile on his face. Funny the things you remember. Because we always loved Christmas so much I have always had my tree up and decorations out ever since he died. I couldn't not put up my tree. I brought a new one the year before I moved here as our old one had lost some branches.

My in laws had a horrible tree we called it the bog brush tree as the branches looked like toilet brushes. But after my father in law died my mother in law never put the tree up or decorations even though our children where young.

My parents where the opposite. Even after my dad died mom still had the 2 trees up .