Friendship,advice and support if estrangement has affected your life.

I hope your DH will drop the rope now DL, for his own sake. It's a sad day when realisation dawns, and you know that the AC you loved and cared for just don't care about you. You're not on their radar unless for some they hope to make a withdrawal from the 'bank of mum and dad'.

I'd liked to have seen your rain dance Allsorts. There's a lot to be said for being fore warned. When thinking about the future, you know who you can rely upon. Far better to know now, then to find yourself in a position of needing some form of help and/or support and discovering that the person/people you'd always thought would be there for you, are no where to be found.

We feel pretty much alone TBH. We have one another of course, Mr. S. has a large and scattered family so with DS in Aus. I do worry how it will be when one of us is no longer around.

ES was such a loving and supportive son, not that we've ever thought of either of them taking care of us in our dotage but with his brother abroad had things turned out differently, we'd have had known that he was there, just as we were there for our parents.

We have a party on the green here tomorrow. Everyone will be contributing toward a buffet and there are 3 gazebos going up in the morning in case the weather lets us down, which looks as if it may happen as showers are forecast.

If we get rain, I'll take a leaf out of your book Allsortand dance in the rain.

Oops posted too soon.....

Saved my WW points so I can relax a bit and enjoy myself. I wont be driving so I'm sure ? will be taken. ??

Nice day planned today. Lunch with my sister in our fave restaurant, just the two of us.

I've been very good and saved up m

My husband was in a nursing home for 2.5 years. In all that time I only missed 1 day visiting him. I converted his room into a mini bedsit, with an arm chair for me, his computer and tv, some cushions and throws, some of his favourite artworks. When he could no longer use the computer, I added a fish tank.

At one point I even rented a bungalow in the grounds so I could be nearer to him. When he was well enough I would wheel him down into the bungalow.

I would spend hours each day with him, from around 11 till 4 then after a break I would go back at around 7 or 8 and stay with him till around 10. I became quite a fixture.

I got to know the home, the staff and many of the residents very well. I was astonished and very saddened to see how many of them were just dumped and abandoned by their families. Truly nice people who didn't deserve to be treated so cruelly. I made a point of chatting to them, paying them some attention, sometime running little errands for them.

The fish tank became quite a talking point. Many of the residents would drop by into my husbands room to look at the fish and chat to my husband. (He couldn't talk back but somehow they managed to communicate). ?.

There is so much children can do for their aged parents, even when they are in a nursing home. They can humanise their rooms and make them more homely. And surely, if you live within the same locality then a visit now and then isn't too much to ask for. You don't have to stay long, just an hour or so, take a few treats, flowers, biscuits, fruit, magazines.

Many elderly, infirm or disabled people do have to go into care because it is just not possible to provide the necessary 24/7 care at home, especially when we get into what my doctor called "hoist territory". This is when the person becomes unable to weight bear at all and the transfers from bed to chair etc have to be effected by lifting with a hoist. This is a two person job, same with bathing and personal care.

So it's not always a case of taking the easy way out and "dumping" someone in a home. Same with dementia care, it becomes an issue of safety.

Families cannot always provide care themselves but I do believe they have a moral duty to ensure that good quality care is provided and monitored. And part of that care is visiting their relatives, not abandoning them to their fate and leaving them lonely and neglected.

And yes, the cynic in me does have to ask......would they say no to an inheritence.

At least you are fore warned DL. Unfortunately it's not an isolated occurrence, ask any one that works in such places, many are just dumped and so sad. The least any one could do is check they are bring cared for properly, The times I have had to step up as something not right. In my youthful ignorance I had never ever thought anyone without a cruel parent would not be cared for. Yet many of us with Ec have not been bothered with through Covid, done through bad illnesses, thank goodness I have my son. He has never been a visitor, but would sjouke there be a problem. I feel firvtgisexwuth no one, it's so eacpsy fir any of us to be in that position.
I ran out in the rain, almost did a rain dance, the lovely cooling water in my hair and over my body, then I came in and had a shower.
Enjoy your day all.

Good morning.

Yes, I agree with everyone about DHs ACs, I don't understand it either. I don't know where they get it from, certainly not from DH. His ex was, apparently a spiteful and vicious woman, but she was a good mother and gran,

I'm not religious, I believe in nothing higher, but I still need to live with myself,so there's no way I could treat my elderly parents like this.

They care about neither parent, nor the mother in law.

But, I've told DH to just drop this rope now - however much he wants them to care about him, and contact him regularly, it's just not going to happen.

They are too bound up in their own lives - as so many ACs of that age are. It's all about them...unless they want money of course lol ?

It's never "them" - it's always someone else's fault. These so called "Generation X" ACs can be a self centred and selfish lot - not all of them, of course.?

On a superficial level, I do feel sorry for his ex - however, 20 years ago, she caused no end of pain for DH, so my sympathy is limited.

She bribed (literally), their youngest son not to talk to DH for years, which is half the problem now.?

However, I do think her children and adult GCs should be taking an interest in all 3 of the elderly parents. DH, ex and MIL all have major health issues.

But, I can't change them - so I'm afraid I've just accepted that DH and I will never have any support from them, and we'll just get on with it.

One day they might regret it, but that's their problem.

I've got enough going on with GS and Miss Dysfunctionality, my ex who seems to have estranged our kids again, the youngest stepson and the abusive texts, health, the usual stresses of life etc etc.

I can't do ex wives as well. There's not enough hours in the day?

Ah well, on with the day. It's thankfully cooler now, so that's helpful.

Hope everyone has a nice day.?

You're welcome Normandygirl, I hope they'll be happy with the compromise.

Thankyou Smileless, I will e mail them tonight and hope that they understand. They don't know about Daughters estrangement, few people do. I never know how to tell people and I really struggle trying to explain something that doesn't seem to have any explanation.
Anyway, I hope they take up the offer of a free house and acres of garden for their dog to romp in, and don't get upset that we will only spend a couple of days with them. Thankyou

I think your DH's suggestion is brilliant Normandygirl and very thoughtful that said, I would explain what's happened to your friends and see what they say.

I assume they know of your estrangement from your middle daughter so I'm sure would understand that you're very wary of offending. They may be able to rearrange their visit, if not go with your DH's suggestion.

Lovely to hear that the rain has cooled everything down and everyone seems to feel better for it. Not much rain here to speak of but the temperature has dropped from the 40's to the 30's .
I have a dilemma.
We have friends coming over next week who are staying with us, It was sprung on us a bit last minute as they were supposed to be staying with other friends who have had to cancel. Of course I agreed that they should come to us, they are a lovely couple [ +dog!] and they haven't had a holiday since before the pandemic.
Then a few days later, my daughter has just gifted us with a surprise week's break away, all paid for ,as a thankyou present for all the help we have given them with babysitting, building etc. It is also next week. She didn't know that we had last minute guests coming! She cannot get a refund, we cannot change the dates and it is a quite expensive place. They don't have loads of spare cash and it was such a lovely thoughtful thing to do for us. I have been moaning a bit about not having a break this year What on earth do I do now? My husband has suggested that we lose a couple of nights of the holiday to spend some time with them, then let our friends have our house for the rest of their stay, but I don't know if they would feel offended by us doing that. I don't want to upset anyone, since our estrangement from our middle daughter I'm so wary of "offending".

I rather like pottering hugs makes me feel as I've accomplished something without having spent too much energy .

Rain here too, at last. Much nicer now. OOh the house thing sounds to be going well DL. We're waiting on our vendors putting paperwork in atm.
Good on you with both the patient waiting game and for joining WW.

Oh dear, DL they really do sound horribly self-centred and uncaring.

Well done with the joint DIY smiles.

Glad you're having a great time Whiff.

Just been pottering doing odd jobs last couple of days.

would demand require.

Well I'm not adverse to hiring him out for the right fee Allsorts . Of course I would a detailed job description so I know exactly what's going to be expected from him.

I too have thoughts that I know as a Christian I shouldn't have, well shouldn't have as a decent human being come to that. In fact I deleted my initial response to DL's post about her DH's horrible AC, it really was rather bad.

Smileless I could do with a Mr S for a few weeks, my place Would keep him very busy.
Whiff, so glad you’re having a good time, safe journey.
DL, I haven got words to express what I think of people that abandon their mother, (anyone really) but a loving mother just left vulnerable and alone, I could cry for her and the many others, just dumped. What is more important in their lives ? I hope, and as a Christian I shouldn’t say it, but hope they don’t know peace for what they are doing, shame on them. I hope some extended family will make sure she’s getting care, I know I would, to visit, talk about old times, even if she doesn’t remember much, comb her hair and take some goodies, such little things that would brighten her day. I would hate to be that person without a heart.

It's feeling a little autumnal here today. Strong breeze so lots of leaves being blown off the tree next to our lodge, and there's an autumnal aroma in the air.

Popped 'home' to get my hair cut which is the beauty of this place, only a hours drive away yet when we're here we could be miles and miles from home.

Would have been a good drying day but half an hour after I put it all out it rained, so I brought it all in and draped it over two airers (bedding so I'm not putting it in the tumble dryer) and minutes after I'd finished the rain stopped. We hadn't had rain forecast so I've left it to dry inside and of course, it hasn't rained since.

Glad you're having a good time Whiff, safe journey tomorrow.

DiamondLily just read the posts. I can not believe that kind of indifference and cruelly your husband's children are showing towards their own mother. Your husband is suffering enough himself but that poor woman words fail me.

Couldn't read without comment .

Having a wonderful time . Back home tomorrow night.

Sounds like you have a plan DSL and once you have that, you're well on the way to reaching your goal and I think I know you well enough now to be 100% certain you'll get to where you want to be.

Silly aren't they. Maybe one of them will have a quick question for you in the not too distant future, nothing critical or life threatening, and you can return the 'can't be arsed to respond' favour.

I'm shocked DL. My fingers are tingling, which happens when I'm really angry and TBH I could weep for this poor woman that I don't even know.

Thank goodness your DH has you and your family. I just can't believe that in the face of such self entitlement, selfishness and cruelty your DH's AC have the nerve to accuse him of being unreasonable.

Just got back from the flat where we've had a busy few hours, with me painting the chimney breast in the living room (looks fab btw) and Mr. S. has been finishing off the floor in the bathroom, which of course also looks fab.

It's really coming on now and we're both getting excited about how it's going to look when it's finished. So I'm off for a shower now, to wash off the blue paint.

Omg. DL. That is truly awful. What ungrateful selfish brats. Shame on them.

Good afternoon, hope everyone well. Good luck with the WW, DSL.?

The phone call went as I'd expect - ending in the usual sulking by the non estranged ACs.

They've seen him once in 18 months, (we can't drive there, at the moment, they won't drive here despite it only being 40 minutes away), and think he's being unreasonable in wanting a bit more care and consideration.from them.

"We need to understand that they are busy people"...Um, yeah I'm sure lol ?

But, what kicked it off was, following from previous post, their mother (DH ex) ended up in hospital, very ill and with advanced Dementia, because no one had been in touch for weeks.

She was discharged to a care home, which no one has visited.

Apparently, she had a fall in there, broke her hip and went back into hospital for an operation.

She was discharged back to the CH, fell again and rebroke her hip. ?

Back into hospital for a second op.

No one has been to the hospital, on any occasion.

But the staggering thing is that no one knows whether she's still in hospital, or back in the CH - no one has phoned or visited. They don't even know the address of the CH.

Now, if my parent had fell twice in a CH, I'd be down there asking why - it sounds like a lack of supervision.

And I'd certainly be visiting both and phoning. In fact, I did - for 10 long years with both of my parents,

DH went into one, another argument, at which point they announced they were going on holiday, so he could go if he wanted to, but they'd be away.

Oh dear - more stress. He can't visit, what with the divorce and his own health, so that's that.?. He doesn't want to visit, but he thinks his kids should be making an effort. She was, apparatly a very good mother and granny.

Jeez, I'm glad they're not my kids, and DH will always be cared for, with or without them.

Some ACs are so selfish.?

Rain at last. ?

Not much news re son and DIL. I'm still being sidelined. No worries, I can play a waiting game.

I sent DIL a text on Sunday with a quick question......she hasn't bothered to reply. Good job it's not critical or life threatening.?. I know she's read it. Does she think I don't notice....you gotta laugh really. I'm not sure whether it stupidity or arrogance on her part but she's not doing herself any favours.

Anyhoo......finally received the revised draft contract this morning so need to get sorted and sent back. Then chase up the EA.

In the meantime I have decided to take myself in hand, I have rejoined WW online. Day 3 today. Whilst it's raining I am going to do some batch cooking so I can freeze some healthy home cooked "ready meals" for those cba days.

I have a small mountain to climb. I want to lose at least 2.5 stones. The hot weather really brought it home to me how unfit and unhealthy I've become. I know I would have coped better with the heat had I been fitter and healthier.

So it begins.......

Hope you are all well....?

We're lucky that the humidity has gone now hugs. Oh you'll have to go back even though it's now a curry house. Those memories will still come flooding back .

Glad your headache's improving smiles. Horribly humid here atm. I'm feeling really congested - my sinuses don't like it. We've had a few spots of rain yesterday and today but it only helped briefly and now it's worse than ever. Never wanted a good downpour so much. Great to hear Mr S is being as handy as ever with all those jobs. Good news about his bowls match, hurrah. The memory land pub trip sounds wonderful. I often think about the lovely pub that Mr H and I went on our first date to. It's a curry house now. Not the same, but we might give it a try sometime.

Glad you had a nice, if somewhat crazy birthday DL. The cake looks fantastic. Hope DH's phonecall wasn't too awful.

Shopping for us this evening before a bit of TV. Hope the humidity drops in the night.

Have a good one all.

Oh dear, hope it goes well but I'm not hopeful. Would be better if he just left it DL. He's simply laying himself wide open for more abuse; as you say 'men'.

Sorry about your bum, but it's worth it .