Friendship,advice and support if estrangement has affected your life.

I find that too Whiff. DS2 and his girlfriend are always so sweet and loving to me, such a contrast to DS1 and Madam. I often tear up when DS2 and his girl are so good to me. How they can be so different, At least we know it isn't all our fault, because if it was, then both of our children would treat us badly.

Well it's been quite a day so far.......

The bad news........

Noticed a damaged fence panel this morning so that will need to be replaced. I went to the dentist because I was experiencing some discomfort. I need a root canal. ??. At least we can save the tooth but it won't be cheap. The insurance should cover about half the cost.

The good news

Popped into a chazzer. Picked up a beautiful china dinner service, 38 pieces. £9. A pretty brooch caught me eye, 50p. Got it home and the stones are diamonds. Ok only tiny diamond chips and not in HMs league but still diamonds are diamonds.?. it will look fab on my plain navy coat.

Like you Whiff, and probably most of Britain, I am trying to be frugal with my energy usage. It's difficult though because my pretty period property leaks heat like a sieve.

Last night I checked my energy account. I have a smart meter so can work it out. The good news is I'm £325 in credit. What with that and the £400 rebate I should be ok. I can't really cut back too far with gas usage because if I get too cold my arthritis and fibro flare up so I've really concentrated on reducing my electricity usage....making sure I do full loads of washing, having a full freezer etc. I have also bought a kettle for my gas hob because it's much cheaper than boiling an electric kettle. I was really pleased to be so much in credit, gives me a bit more leeway.

When I do come to buy my next house it will have to be more energy efficient. Small and cosy will be my watchwords.

Another 1lb weight loss. ?.

Dam my hand trembled . thought.

Seeing your son's mother in law Smiles and being upset is only natural. I wonder sometimes does my daughter in law's mom feel special or does she fear it could happen in to her.

I foolishly mentioned to my daughter I was worried about about energy bills rising and not being able to have the heating on like I have done in other winters. She told me not to worry as she would give me money if I needed it. What mom would take money from her child I couldn't. As she goes to a Tesco superstore I asked her if she could get me 2 pairs of slippers as I found a hole in mine. I always have 2 pairs one to wear and one for if I go into hospital. They didn't have my size . So she got me some from Sainsbury's but wouldn't take the money for them. It choked me up and I just hugged her . To think my son would do things like that not take the money if I asked him to pick something up for me. They where brought up the same both loving and caring. Never thought he would do what he has.

I think I am coping and my daughter's kindness just brings it all back and that feeling of loss washes over me again .

I don't go anywhere near the area my son lives in. As I don't want to run the risk of seeing him or the boys . I know it's the cowards way out but I don't think I have the strength to cope with if he saw me and turned his back on me . And seeing how the boys have grown and the one I have never seen. It's a terrible thought that we have to protect ourselves from our own children.

I remember years ago hearing people say they didn't see their children and never understood why . I suppose I thought that would never happen to me. Yogin 1 in 3 parents are estranged from their children that's an a

Oh Smiles no you will never be free of 'this'. It's 2 weeks today since my shock that rocked my boat, had to look on my calendar to check as I thought it was just last week. So no Smiles it will never end I'm sorry to say.

I was asked to phone a newly estranged young grandma as she wanted to speak to someone in the same boat. I had already sent her a message a few weeks back, via another, to say Nip it in the bud quick but since then it has escalated, and the D had gone round to her mum's house and threatened her, getting right up into her face, telling her to stay away from her & the C. All over a silly misunderstanding which boiled down to jealousy. So now I had to advise the young grandma to stay away from her D and let things calm down. So, yet another estrangement, seems like 1 in 3 grandparents are estranged now, or not far short of it!

Funny how a simple sentence can get you, the one below from Smiles put a lump in my throat, thinking back to the days before estrangement.
Both our boys loved a roast dinner Yogin. ES's was gammon and pineapple, roast pots and cauli. with white sauce. I still think of him and how much he loved it when we have it

DSL, Good you have avoided no contact with your son it looks like everything is falling into place for you now.
Smileless, do you intend staying at the flat being so close to your son? I think it’s entirely natural you should have reacted as you did, you haven’t seen him for 10 years and have a good life, but he’s your son and whatever he has said and done nothing changes that. It truly is a living bereavement, no one knows that hasn't been through it. We became estranged at the same time, it’s been a long road and you should be proud of how you have dealt with the situation. It’s perhaps not a good idea to be so close, I wonder if the mil saw you?. I try to avoid triggers, at times it gets me very down and always will I think but most of the time I cope.
Hope you are fully recovered DL, very scary at the time I know.

Great news re your son DSL!

DL ..."avoiding stress" ..hmm easier said than done isn't it. Do take care though! The meal with your GD is something nice o look forward to

Smileless We arrived at the flat Friday morning and have been very busy ever since. I've always loved this place but have found it very difficult to settle. Unexpectedly and rather a shock, I've been feeling very unsettled as we are geographically about 3.5 miles from where ES lives

On Friday, I saw his m.i.l. (she didn't see me) and have been feeling vulnerable and fearfulshock. It's really shaken me because when we're at our lodge we come here to go to one of our favourite restaurants and it's never troubled me.

I'm annoyed with myself, it's been nearly 10 years for goodness sake and I've been weepy and wondering if I will ever be free of this. Thank God for Mr. S. We had a really good talk about it and just telling him and knowing that he somehow 'gets me' is priceless

I think it is entirely understandable and human to have reacted like you have after seeing ES's MiL Smileless. I don't think you should be annoyed with yourself, I think it is a natural reaction to bringing it all so "close to home"! But good on you and Mr S for not allowing things to stop you doing what you want to do ...going to that restaurant, staying at the flat ...despite it all being so much closer to ES! Don't be annoyed with yourself, just be proud of what you have achieved!

Thanks everyone....I do feel very fortunate that somehow my son and I have managed to salvage our relationship. I doubt it will ever be as carefree and relaxed as it was in the past but I'm truly grateful for what I have now.

I will continue to maintain the red velvet rope around DIL and I will not allow her to bait me again. If (when!!!) she starts her nonsense again, I shall simply ignore her attempts to cause friction and trouble. I will never let her get under my skin again. She undermined my confidence and self esteem and made me ill. I am still not yet fully recovered but I'm getting there. I shall never let it happen again....

Smiles. I'm sorry to hear you are feeling unsettled again, I suppose it's inevitable. I guess there will always be triggers and seeing MIL is bound to unnerve you. It's good though that you have your lovely Mr S, to support you - we all need someone in our lives who "gets" us. I am fortunate. I have my youngest son and his girl who are very understanding and supportive and a couple of very close girlfriends and my sister who I can trust and know they have my back. Not quite the same as a life partner but I consider myself blessed to have them in my life.

Had an easy day yesterday, my tummy is now ok and settled again. It does seem hyper sensitive at the moment, and I'm having to be very careful with my diet. My son asked me if it was stress. I am not aware of feeling particularly stressed at the moment but I suppose he could be on to something, I probably won't be fully relaxed until the house sale is all done and dusted. I am only too aware that it ain't over till it's over but I'm trying not to worry......worrying won't solve anything. I can't do anything about the current economic situation so I just have to hope that my buyers buyer doesn't get cold feet and pull out.

Thankfully I feel more like my old self today so catching up with "stuff". Car insurance renewal due. They want an extra £100 plus. So need to shop around. Car tax was an extra £20. Every single thing has gone up, every renewal has increased.

Fed up with continually having to chop and change providers to try and get a better deal. It would be nice if they rewarded customer loyalty for a change instead of only giving the best deals for new business.

Sorry, rant over. ??. But it's just so tedious and time consuming to keep having to shop around. I can think of better things to do with my time.

Right better get cracking. Have a good day everyone. ❤️

Morning everyone.

That's wonderful news about your son DSL. I wonder how many have been affected by the death of the Queen an have, or are re thinking their own situation.

Great news about the house sale being on track; fingers crossed it stays that way.

I know many of us wondered if the pandemic would make a difference to our situation and perhaps even though nothing changed for any of us here, it did for others. As Whiff has said, you must keep posting and chatting to us.

Our friendships come from our shared experience of estrangement, but it's not being estranged that keeps them alive. It's having got to know and care for one another. Those things need to carry on even when one of us had managed to reconcile, something that we all rejoice in.

It's good that your leg is walking properly again Whiff. How stressful to never know until it happens that you're going to have a problem. It's unfair that you are having to go through so much red tape an unnecessary stress trying to get something that you should be entitled too. Do you keep a diary of incidents you experience; dates, times and a description of the the event?

Both our boys loved a roast dinner Yogin. ES's was gammon and pineapple, roast pots and cauli. with white sauce. I still think of him and how much he loved it when we have it.

That sounds awful DL. Thank goodness you're OK so I hope that you are taking things easy. What with the stress of your step son and Miss Dysfunctionality, you have an awful lot on your mind right now and as we know, the mind is a funny thing and not always easy to control.

We arrived at the flat Friday morning and have been very busy ever since. I've always loved this place but have found it very difficult to settle. Unexpectedly and rather a shock, I've been feeling very unsettled as we are geographically about 3.5 miles from where ES lives.

On Friday, I saw his m.i.l. (she didn't see me) and have been feeling vulnerable and fearful. It's really shaken me because when we're at our lodge we come here to go to one of our favourite restaurants and it's never troubled me.

I'm annoyed with myself, it's been nearly 10 years for goodness sake and I've been weepy and wondering if I will ever be free of this. Thank God for Mr. S. We had a really good talk about it and just telling him and knowing that he somehow 'gets me' is priceless.

The other thing that's bothered me, and I know how daft this is going to sound, is worrying about everything being clean. 90% has been re plastered. Everywhere re painted, everything replaced and the windows and frames scrubbed to within an inch of their lives but it's still been bothering me. It was so disgusting, so unbelievably filthy and smelly that I'm finding it hard to get that image and stench out of my head.

The good news is everything's really coming together. DS would say it's been 'mumified' as we're bringing in all those little finishing touches to make it feel and look homely.

Mr. S. is going to show me how to assemble some little chest of drawers so I can do those while he gets on else where; it'll probably take me all day.

Apologies for the long post and for my moans. The only thing that's as good as telling Mr. S. how I'm really feeling, is being able to tell all of you.

Thanks for always being here .

So Sorry to hear about your asthma attack DL that landed you in hospital, must have been very freighting for you, glad you are home and resting, as for avoiding stress, hard one.

DSL good to hear you are fully reunited with your son, I think as it was always hanging on a thread you were able to salvage it, well done and long may it continue.

Yes Whiff. I will need to tread warily. I'm not completely out of the woods yet. DIL will never change, at least not a permanent change. She won't be able to sustain it over the long term. But I have her measure now. I spent a lifetime managing my narc father, I learned how to handle him. I can put what I have learned into practice.

As the other thread says, narcs are predictable and once you understand them you can learn how to cope with them, especially if like me, you are not their primary source. I am only being a secondary source so I can maintain a discrete and manageable distance. P

I will be careful to maintain the red velvet rope policy. But at least I now have my son back in my life and I have the chance to engage with my grandchildren. That will do me.

After my IBS attack I seemed to be frozen to my core, I could not get warm. I had to whack up the heating and lie on the sofa under my electric throw to warm up again.

It is a worry. I can only economise so much with the heating, if I get chilled my body just seizes up. My husband always used to joke I must have some lizard DNA.

I have already started transitioning into my autumn clothing but I do need to go shopping for thermals and extra knitwear.

My current house is a very pretty period property but it leaks heat like a sieve. An energy efficient home is high on my priorities for my next move, something cute, warm and cosy in an area with good amenities. No asking for much. Lol.

Actually I'm not too concerned about it's condition, I don't mind a fixer upper as long as I get the basics right. I have a good team of tradesmen at my disposal and this time I can live in rented whilst the dirtiest jabs are done.

No more living on a building site for me. The older I get the more I need my creature comforts. ?

DiamondLily sorry to hear you ended up going to hospital but glad you are home with medication. It alway makes me laugh when we are told to rest. I can for a while but life has a way of butting in and you have to carry on.

Stress is under rated as it can have a knock on effect not just on your body but mental state. But how do you live a stress free life? It's impossible.

Sorry you can't go to your granddaughter's party but no doubt they will bring you some cake. Take good care of yourself and hope you feel better very soon .

DerbyshireLass good news about your son and daughter in law. But as you no doubt know it could all go pear shaped again. But at least you will be on your guard this time. Don't stop posting just because you are reconciled . I for one like reading your posts . Smiles started the thread not just for us to talk about our estrangement but about our lives.

Fingers crossed you will exchange soon. Good luck finding a rental etc. Well done with the weight lose .

Just having a lazy day today. At least my leg is working properly again. So could get in the shower but popped the heating on for a couple of hours to take the chill off.

Have a good day everyone.

DL. Sorry to hear about your asthma attack. Do take care.

I know people mean well when they say avoid stress but it's very irritating isn't it, and a bit patronising. As if it were that easy. As if we choose to be stressed . ??. We can't avoid stress, it's part of life. All we can do is try and manage it,

I had a vicious IBS attack yesterday...for once not stress related but something I ate. I'm ok now but do feel somewhat drained so will take it easy today.

You too, DL get some rest and then enjoy a nice meal with your GD when you feel better. You will enjoy it more when you are back on form.

DSL - I hope your son has "woken up and smelt the coffee" where your relationship is concerned.?. Some things are more important than families arguing, in the great scheme of things.

I can't say the Queen's death had any effect on my stepsons and their Dad. I don't think anything will now. They just don't care about him.?

Good news about the house and the weight as well. ?

I had a massive asthma attack a few days ago, so has to be carted off to hospital - jeez, these hospitals are like madhouses at the moment. I stayed in A&E overnight, and then told them I wanted to go home.

So, home I came, with drugs, different inhalers and instructions to rest.

It seems (they think), it was triggered by stress - I thought I was on top of things, but I guess it got on top of me finally.

They told me to avoid stress - um, good idea I thought. All I need to do is shut up two stepsons, an ex husband, and Miss Dysfunctionality first lol ?

Anyway, feeling better now, although tired. On we press, although I was supposed to go to my GDs 18th birthday celebration today, but that's beyond me at the moment. I'll go for a meal with her when I'm feeling stronger.

Hope everyone has a nice day. ?

Good Morning everyone, hope you are all well.

I was a bit undecided about posting this because I don't want to upset anyone or appear to be bragging, but the good news is my son and I are now properly reconciled at last.

I did say that I feared "the conversation" had been unsuccessful. I was wrong. However, I don't think it was just that. I think that, in a curious way, the Queens death has also helped. They came here to watch the funeral. I think HMs death has made my son and DIL stop and think about our relationship.

After all none of us gets to live forever. If there's one thing I learned from my husbands early death it's that none of us knows what lies round the corner. My son has obviously finally taken that on board at last.

I know he's been a bit of an ostrich about his fathers death. I can understand that, he's struggled to deal with it, but his not dealing with it has caused a lot of friction. I do think the Queen's death gave him the jolt he needed to realise that he could lose me at any time and that maybe he shouldn't take it for granted that I would be around ...........(not that I've any intention of dying just yet?? but one never knows).

Some further good news......my buyers are "ready to go", we are just waiting on their buyer. It's looking a bit more promising ??. The skip was loaded in time and has now gone, just need to book a slot at the recycling plant for the old paints etc. As soon as I have an idea of dates I will start looking at rentals, organising a removal firm.

Oh and further good news....I've lost another 2lbs ?

Don't want to tempt fate but after almost 16 years of grief, loss, family upset, stress and anxiety my life seems to be on the up at last. Finally turning a corner.

Whiff .....I do hope your PIP claim goes well. It's shameful the way genuine people have to jump through hoops to get what is rightfully theirs BY LAW. I don't want to get political but it seems grossly unfair that British citizens who have paid into the system for years have to beg and grovel when visitors to these shores can queue jump.

It's definitely autumnal now. My favourite time of the year.

Had a thought today about the concept of normal. There is no such thing as normal. It doesn't including everything. People say they are normal but their normal is not mine. My normal is me. Someone said to me the other day I look normal we had been talking about illness but when she saw me move she said oh you aren't normal are you but as I told her it was normal for me.

We are all unique. Even
identical twins are unique they have different personalities and
views. Even different finger prints.

Just me having strange thoughts but that's me. ?

or maybe it is

Morning all

Really bad news your brother didn't get the allowance Whiff, can't fathom how their brains work, really!

Thanks for concern Whiff yes, I had an upsetting situation last week, can't get my head round it, I have shared it with Smiles as we have been on this journey together for near on 10yrs. Will share on here when I'm ready to, not at the end of the story yet, or maybe I am. I can't understand it so hard to share.

As for the roast chicken. I say I'm a vegetarian but eat fish once per week on a Friday, I know there's a name for that but can't for the life of me spell it . My son loves his roast dinner on a Sunday, so since he's been back, I've been cooking a roast dinner, to begin I'd get him chicken breast [free-range] and I'd have a Quorn fillet. One day I bought a free-range corn feed chicken, and it was sooo tasty I continued to have one. Feel really bad when I prepare it, saying sorry chicken but knowing it did have a good life before my oven! Yes so, I just cut it in half when it's cooked, also do the balls of stuffing for first dinner and then the stuffing inside the chicken for the second.

Looked that drug up Yogin. It won't work on MS unfortunately.

Just read on an other thread you had a big upset hope you are alright and all your family.

You've made me want a corn fed chicken Yoga, I always buy free range, when I do have chicken, but they are so expensive now. I don't put stuffing inside, just roll it into balls around it.

Thank you all for your concern.

Had to put my heating on when I got back from my craft group. I got soaked going and coming back. But had a good time. My stupid left leg decided it didn't want to work so had to do the flick it forward to make it work. Then I stumbled on the bus luckily I didn't fall down but twisted and hit my back on the side of the seat and pole. 6 people asked if I was alright and a lady took my back pack off for me as I couldn't reach. Years ago I fell on the bus in the West Midlands no one asked if I was ok or helped me up. Moving to the north west was definitely the right thing to do. Never known such kind people.

Had to put my heating on for a couple of hours I was so cold. Once warm my bungalow stays that way. The advantage of living on one level.

Hugs hope you have had some viewings and hopefully accept a new offer soon.

Wanted to pot out my seedlings today but not worth getting soaked again going to the greenhouse. Will do my housework instead and take it easy.

Smiles hope the apartment is coming together.

Take care all. ?

Like your suggestion for the easy chicken thing Yogin

Glad you''re on the up and up Diamond

I'm so sorry you're having so much trouble getting the benefits you so evidently should be getting Whiff.

I think the truth is the government finds money when it wants to create 'good press'. It's all spin. It finds money when it wants to buy votes. It finds money when it wants to appease its donors. It doesn't find money for people who suffer silently at home or who have no home or voice.

Hugs whiff x

So sorry that you're having to fight for something that you should be entitled too Whiff .

Yogin after my brother took in my sister in law they stopped paying him carers allowance. Said he didn't need it. Without he's care she would have had to go into hospital. He decided to retire 2 years in November. He has a small private pension . But does get carers allowance now. But my sister in law has had to fight to get the PIP payments at the higher rate. She is in a wheelchair when they go out. And has a mobility buggy which they had to buy themselves so they can walk Aggie over the fields by their bungalow. She had to give up work at 52 and was able to get her NHS pension but when they married they stopped it and said she will get it again when state pension age. She is 60 and my brother 63.

I will look that drug up. She is trying an machine to electronically simulate her leg muscles to strengthen them but isn't doing any good. In fact it's causing her more pain.