Friendship,advice and support if estrangement has affected your life.

I had a nice time with my grandchildren last night. They are 7 and 5 and ran out of school clutching pictures and a model of an alien from mars had been made in lesson on the planets. We called him Marvin and he lost a leg on the way home.
Busy evening with dinner bath and stories and discussions about their next door neighbour who is 96 and in hospital. They know that he is very old and coming to the end of his life,so long chats,about what happens when you die. End comment " but you're not old are you nana ? " Reassured that I am not at the end of life.
Daughter chatted about schools,work and her boyfriend who she has been seeing for 7 months. Perhaps he can keep her happier and in a more stable mindset. We didn't mention her sister's wedding and put dates in diaries for Christmas days out with the kids.
Stayed over and this morning sewed badges onto youngest rainbow uniform. Not sure what the dinosaur badge was about,didn't have that when I was a brownie !
Back home now feeling more relaxed and less anxious.
Hope you ladies are all feeling the same. Take care x

My dad died before my mum had been a year in the home, we think he died from exhaustion from caring for my mum. We were all expecting my mum to go first, so when my dad suddenly and unexpectedly died we were all really shocked.

What a wonderful memory to have of your mum Whiff. Dementia is such a cruel illness, as you say it takes away the person you love before they die. It must have felt like a real blessing to have had your mum back for that precious hour.

That was a particularly disturbing account wasn't it and had me reflecting on past events too. Not that I could have re read a particularly unpleasant email we received from our ES. Mr. S. was reading it about 6 years ago and I asked him to read it out, but after a few sentences I asked him to stop. I just couldn't stand to hear it again. He was unable to finish reading it, as it was just too distressing.

The stairs are good for now, they help keep us fit but as you say Yogin there's bound to come a time when they're too much. We often joke when we see the ads on tv for stair lifts that we'd need 3; can you imagine the cost.

Never been a repeat of the chicken left on top of the cooker instead of being in the oven but I have been known to dash up stairs just before we're going for a walk to make sure I haven't done it again.

Our ES has also done that. Taken events that happened in his wife's childhood and made them his own. The brainwashing is frightening isn't it, especially when they 'remember' something that not only never happened, but something we could never have done.

So many of us have experienced this, and it's such a relief when you know it hasn't just happened to you, that others also have AC who have re written history.

No point in anyone chasing anyone else in the chain when everything's being done hugs. It takes time and with one link coming in after everyone else, it's bound to slow things down. You're going to be do relieved when it's all done and dusted.

Thanks for the 'good lick' wishes Yogin. The concert's tomorrow evening and it was a long, tiring and rather frustrating rehearsal on Tuesday evening.

We had to do one piece 3 times because the men (bases and tenors) twice didn't come in on time and once started on the wrong notes. If only they'd spend less time chatting and more time listening and looking at the music grrrrr. They sound fabulous when they get it just right and so far, have never got it wrong during a concert.

After 18 months of moaning about his mobile, we spend 2 hours at vodafone getting Mr. S. a new one. The young man was very good, so much knowledge the majority of which went over my head and by the time we'd finished, I was losing the will to live.

Then last night, disaster. Doing whatever it was that needed to be done, inadvertently locked me out of my Chromebook, and it took Mr. S. over an hour to get me back in. At one point it didn't look as if he was going to be able to manage it!!!

All's well that ends well thank goodness. All he needs to do today if get me back in messenger because of course, accessing GN was my number one priority.

I cried when my mum went into a home Whiff but she was really happy there. My dad looked after her for 2yrs but then couldn't cope in his mid 80s. She was double incontinent, would put plastic bowls on the gas cooker & dangerous things like that. I said I would have her live with me, but my dad wouldn't hear of it, also I would have had to convert the house with a downstairs bedroom with wet room, which would have cost a bit.

I visited her every day & I had her over Sat & Sun but had to take her back to sleep as I was afraid she would unlock the front door and wonder out onto the street or fall down the stairs. She did fall down the stairs once, I was helping behind her, she fell a couple of stairs but fell badly, I had to call an ambulance, was in A&E till early morning with her, but she was OK. Another time she fell backwards onto my sister when she was still living in her bungalow. They had a few steps up from the garden into the living room, my sister was hurt as my mum fell onto her [as happened to me]. It was as if she couldn't work out how to do stairs anymore and instead of leaning forward to go up, she kept leaning backwards till she fell back.

Allsorts I booked a phone consultation with my GP 2 weeks ago having it Monday morning and will be asking for a referral back to my neurologist and pain clinic or I may have to see my neurologist first and he has to do the referral for the pain clinic. Been having pain in my ribs my mom had pain in her ribs which turned out to be osteoporosis after a bone density scan. Started another flare on Sunday but it's not as bad as last time so have managed without the extra tablet. Just slept more. Sleep is the only way I am ever pain free. But been in pain as long as I can remember it's just become part of me.

People suffer far more than me from chronic pain. Funny how our bodies learn to tolerate pain. I suppose as the years go by the pain is worse we just tolerate it . When you think about it our bodies are amazing.

Had my flu jab on Tuesday. Had a blood test last week and Monday had a text to book a retest turns out they want to redo the renal test. So having that done Wednesday then across the road to the pharmacy for my Covid jab. Only had sore arm from my flu jab. Didn't have any problems with my other Covid jabs but will have to wait and see if I do this time. I have been very lucky not to have had Covid even though I know I have been exposed to it several times before and after my first jab.

The lady who knitted the things uses a pattern . I know quiet a few have patterns from a site called Raverly that's not spelt correctly can't think how it's spelt. But a lot of sites have free patterns. She gives all her knitting away mainly to charities . She knits a lot of hats for the seaman's mission. Charities love her pocket money knits as they call the little toys she knits. She knits petals to make into flower brooches which sell like hot cakes round mothers day. She goes to knitting retreats several times a year. It was funny last week one of her hearing aids was broken so we all had to shout . Her other one was ok but she couldn't hear clearly with one. Made cheese and some chocolate and cherry biscuits to take today.

Yogin my mom's used to say don't let me go do alley tap meaning mad. But when she first showed symptoms of dementia I had to explain why it was happening. She would have hated what she became. The worse thing was she forgot dad. But the day she started to die she woke from a nap and shouted his name and went back to sleep. She died in February 2017. I had come up here to stay with my daughter and family for 4 days at Christmas and to see my son and family. My brother and sister in law had mom . They both said they don't know how I coped looking after her myself as it was hard enough with the 2 of them. After my brother put mom to bed Christmas night she said she had a wonderful day and asked if it was alright if she died in their bed. He said if that's what you want go ahead. But unfortunately her body wasn't ready to give up. January she was 90 and her bedroom looked like a florists . When she moved in I gave her a choice of bedrooms but she wanted to have my daughter's bedroom which was the smallest room. Took me a year to stop remembering how mom became and to remember her as she was when she was my mom . But for all we went through I couldn't put her in a home just couldn't do that I loved her to much for that.

Looking back didn't realise how much it cost me health-wise but would do it again. I wouldn't change who I am and how I love and care for people. And yet my son called my vindictive and manipulative.

Hugs sorry you are having pressure from the seller . What I hated about buying and selling was not having control over things and having to rely on other people doing their job. If I want something done I sort it out and it's done. Wish we had the French system or even the Scottish one. Especially with the French system you are locked into selling and buying within weeks and face large penalties if you pull out. Having 2 buyers pull out just before exchange nearly pushed me to breaking point. And then my buyers solicitor was a nightmare but the estate agent warned them not to use her but they did anyway. When they came to apologise about her once we had exchanged I think they thought I would say it's ok. But exchange was done so I let them have it. I was lucky the children who where executors of their moms will kept the bungalow for me . As they told their estate agent their mom would want me to have it.

Hopefully you hear some good news soon and once in your new home it will all be worth it.

DerbyshireLass how is your hunt for a rental going ? Hope you are enjoying the decluttering and packing. Wasn't until I unpacked all my boxes found I had packed hell can't remember if it was 6 or 9 x 18 packs toilet rolls and had forgotten to write it in the box. I wrote on each box which room it was for and what was in it plus numbered all my boxes.

Hope everyone else is ok.

Oh gosh, what a touching anecdote about your mum whiff. I don't know how this sudden re-writing of history by our EAC happens. But it seems a common theme.

I've had the transferring thing too Yogin. Our son accused me of some stuff then even he remembered it wasn't me - 'oh no I've just realised that was X and Y' - and yet he was still angry with me about it. How I'm supposed to get my noggin around that I don't know.

Still waiting on the buyer at the bottom of the chain. Survey done, awaiting searches. But the vendor of the one we want to buy is chasing us every few days now. We can't make it happen any faster.

How strange our estranging AC should transfer a scenario from one person onto us, I had that too. My estD's H brainwashed her into thinking an action was me, it took me ages for the penny to drop that he was actually talking about my estD, I put her straight & it wasn't mentioned again.

The scenario was that when my estD gave birth to her son, the midwife handed the baby to me to hold, and I refused. I puzzled over this for ages and thought it must have been that the baby was handed to me before the dad, so I would have said oh no, give to the dad to hold first but then the penny dropped that it was actually my estD that didn't want to hold the baby.

Allsorts yes, your right in your last paragraph re; searching for love and then on the other side taking it for granted.

Hugs hope all's well with you and with your move.

Whiff my mum sadly had dementia, her biggest fear. At the end she couldn't speak so I was so surprised when her care home had a singer, and my mum sang every word of the songs perfectly! This was before they discovered that someone with dementia can remember lyrics from songs even if they can't speak anymore, remarkable!

Hi everyone. Just catching up with all your news.
Whiff your balance issues got much better when you were first put on new tablets after your diagnosis, now you are having more frequent pain flare ups as well, maybe the dosage needs a look at. I daresay you gave to be monitored as to how your doing. I love the ladies knitting, dies she make her end patterns up?

DSL pleased everything is good with you, have you a place in mind to rent,?
Normandygirl, I have come across youngsters who despite an awful mother sought their love out. If love is readily available you take it for granted, it's always there, but if you were denied it you're always searching. That poor girl, let's hope her mother has realised her mistakes.
Jaffa, I do hope the wedding goes well, sure it will as they are such happy occasions.

Mention of the dementia choir. Brought back a memory for me. My mom loved to sing she had a lovely voice and her dad taught he all the songs he knew. The Wednesday before she died she asked if we could have a cuddle which we did . She put her head on my shoulder and said mom I'm going to sing the songs dad taught me. She sang for a hour word perfect . Then was tired she kissed me and had a sleep. It was wonderful she could remember the songs but not who I was. Unfortunately as soon as she woke she attack me. But for that hour we both where happy. She died in the early hours of the Saturday morning.

Dementia in all its forms destroys the person you love but their bodies live on . But music seems to bring them back for a short time. Heard many cases of it happening since mom died. Also music seems to help all sorts of mental and physical conditions.

Smiles your choir must bring so much joy to people. Do you ever sing at old people's homes or hospices or is just at church?

Music like animals helps people of all ages and all health conditions.

I listen to Classic FM it's on when my daughter and grandson's come. The little one dances when it's opera but not when its instrumental .

Having him Saturday for a few hours while his brothers at swimming . My son in law is working abroad again. Hopefully he gets to spend more time at home soon. But his promotion means he needs to see people in person. At their home tomorrow after craft group. It's open evening a the school. So nannie playtime while my daughter goes. Then having my dinner with them .

There was a post the other day on Chat you probably remember it Smiles about a son saying his mom abused him when he was nearly a teenager. He brought it up over 20 years later. He is now a father himself. Anyway he had gripes about things years ago. He has been naughty and decided all these years later to throw it back in her face but the way he remembers it not his mom .

Set me thinking about how far back what my son wrote in his email. So I re read it. The earliest was years after his dad and my dad had died and before my mother in law died so recon it must have been 2012-2014 he accused me of something I would never do but something my mom would have done and said. As they usually saw his nan during their visits. Funny how I never realised the timeline for his gripes . They dated from then the last was a gripe about me asking if he had told his sister about them expecting in 2020. They got married in 2015. He was 33 when the estrangement happened. So for the approx first 25 years he had no gripes about me. Funny that.

Normandygirl

I remember a child psychologist friend telling me that it's the secure and loved children who "act out" the most at home, because they feel so safe in the knowledge that they won't be abandoned by you. I replied that I must have the most secure children in the country then! I do wonder if that feeling of security still exists in some AC's who estrange from loving parents. Do they still feel that any cruel and hurtful behaviour will be forgiven and instantly forgotten because they know our love for them is unshakable?
The reason my thoughts have been drifting in this direction is I am trying to help a friend of my daughter find her mother. She had a very sad upbringing, with her mother putting her in and out of care whenever she couldn't cope, or a new partner came along. I know that drug use was a factor as well. I asked her why she felt compelled to find her and what she hoped to gain from it, and how she would feel if her mother didn't want contact. She said that the only reason she wants to find her is " because she's my Mum and I just need to know if she's OK"

I agree with your psychologist friend & the rest of your post Normanygirl

Best of luck with your concert Smiles & yes singing is good for the soul. There's a programme on TV about 'The dementia choir' watched the first one, will watch the second maybe tonight, truly amazing. I remember my brother playing 'The Little Drummer Boy' on our piano when I was young, back then most people had a piano in their home.

DL hope you're feeling better after your hospital scare.
I had a lovely little holiday in the New Forest. The horses walking nearby by with their little fouls, donkeys & not sure what was pushing up to our tent whilst we slept but was praying it wouldn't fall over onto me! So many lovely things to see.

Morning all, lovely sunny & not too cold day

Just reading previous page I missed, as if you post whilst reading, it jumps you to the next page. I came back a few days later and started reading from there, so now reading missed page I bet you are!

Read you're feeling more upbeat Jaffa I felt the same as you when first estranged, went on for 6.5yrs until I pulled myself together and stopped with the mourning. Nice to hear about your buys for the wedding for your new haircut.

Whiff hope you are pain-free today, must be awful for you, does the cold make it worse? With birthdays of my estD&GC, I now don't acknowledge them at all, before I would be lighting candles, saying a pray, writing out cards to 'post' [in the spare room] & put monies in their bank acc. I'd opened.
10yrs on I feel better ignoring the day, I of course know it's their b/d but it's been sooo long now it just feels like rubbing salt into the wound to acknowledge them

Smiles what are you like! with the chicken sitting on top of the cooker . Sounds like a good move to have just your flat & your holiday home, your big house with all those stairs maybe ok now but later on you will find those stairs hard. Your holiday home sounds wonderful though.

she said she only learnt to crochet when she was 75. Proves you are never to old too learn new things. - That's so inspiring Whiff.

DiamondLily sorry I got muggled up. It's Jaffa's daughter getting married next month.

Must read things more carefully and take notes so I don't make mistakes.

Hugs brilliant news you are to be published in Yours magazine. Your seller will be a fool if they pull out as they will lose a lot of money and it could take months and more money to find someone else. Plus lot more time. I should have moved here in the May but my buyers solicitor was a nightmare and didn't get here until the August. I know my buyers buyer did threaten to pull out but his solicitor gave him a breakdown of all costs and how much it would cost him to start again. So he stayed. At least we all moved in the end.

Jaffa enjoy your time with your grandchildren. And just try and ignore your daughter's comments about her sisters wedding. I never took sides and just let my children sort themselves out . My daughter and daughter in law never got in from when they first meet in 2005. But my son and son in law always got on. I loved being with my son and daughter in law but she always made snide remarks about my daughter which I ignored but my daughter never made any comment until the estrangement . Them both my daughter and brother told me all the things they had hide from me. They did it so as not to hurt me. Note to estranged children don't plaster everything across Facebook if you don't want to be found out. I only recently joined Facebook but on a closed group for HPX. Don't look anywhere else. Reddit is where my daughter in law vented her spleen about me.

Good idea buying 2 different things for your head . As a new hair style can make a big difference to have things look. Don't know about you but time flies by and the wedding soon be here.

The lady who knitted the things is mid 80's and made me laugh when she said she only learnt to crochet when she was 75. Proves you are never to old too learn new things.

Smiles Mr S knows you too well but it gives me great pleasure to hear about his antics and knowing you have the love of a wonderful man .

Take care all .

I wont hugs.

Glad to see you looking forward to the wedding Jaffa. I think leaving them to it is the best policy. Don't let others spoil it for you.

the love of a good woman that's the key - absolutely smiles and don't you let him forget it.

Afternoon everyone. Knew that would raise a chuckle Whiff as did Mr. S. because he did say 'I expect you'll be putting this on GN'. He knows me so well.

What a talented lady she is, wouldn't mind those for myself. So sorry your pain is increasing and the balance issues you're having. Hopefully you'll get a date for your tribunal soon. Could the stress of this be having a bearing on your overall health? It can't be helping can it. Hope you've had a better day today. Sending you a BIG (((hug))) x

I'll get a few recipes together and send them to you hugs. Of course as I often tell him, it's the love of a good woman that's the key.

Great news about the publication of one of your stories; well done. Well your seller would be very silly to even consider pulling the plug at this stage. If they start all over again they'll be looking at next year before they sell and if they simply pull out, think of all the money they'll have wasted!!! Got to be a bluff surely.

Your planned response if needed, and I hope it wont be, is the way to go Jaffacake. I'm glad that you're getting excited, it will be a lovely day and you'll be the proud mother of the beautiful bride.

Love the Halloween knits so cute !!
A friend gave me a felt mouse kit last Christmas and I have enjoyed making them, relaxing to do something with hands . They are going to live in the old dolls house which has come out from the loft for grandchildren to play with.They haven't visited for a while but am picking them up from school next week. Staying over at my daughters as have lost night vision and unable to drive home. Bit anxious about seeing her as she will probably moan about her sister's wedding in a month's time. I will just say it is up to them to resolve any issues and I will not be put in the middle of their estrangement to each other. It is not my fault.
Getting excited about wedding and have booked to have hair cut week before. Have bought a fascinator and a pillbox hat. My lovely hairdresser can see what looks best .

I agree, when you realise you don't like someone that you love very much it's a horrible realisation.

Didn't catch the 'winter of discontent' but I'd like to watch it if I can find it on catchup.

I thought exactly the same thing about the promise of no more Boom and Bust DSL.
It often amazes me how sophisticated economic theory is obviously flawed when you apply common sense.

We've had a couple of nice sunny days so have been enjoying the local country park.

smiles - Whatever you're feeding Mr S is clearly doing him good! I'd best have the recipes.

Oooh those little Halloween knits look so cute Whiff. I'm very envious about your lovely crafting group. If we ever get moved I'm going to try and find things like that if there are any in the area. I'm really sorry about the increased pain Whiff. It can be so exhausting coping with chronic pain and the extra flare ups can be demoralising. I hope they can find you something to get it under control. And all those bumps can't be helping. Have they ever referred you to a pain clinic? Glad your GS loved his badge. And now you have personal cleaners! How fab. Everything still crossed for you with the tribunal.

The buyer who is repairing the chain is progressing the legals and has just had the survey done. However, our seller has now issued an ultimatum that we're ready to complete before the end of October or they will think again. Nothing we can do about it, other than start lining up potential alternatives to view. Our EA says we can't be ready by that date. Although they think the sellers might well realise pulling out won't get them anywhere faster.

On a positive note, I got a lovely email from Yours Fiction magazine saying they are accepting one of my stories for publication. Having something in a mag in normal shops and maybe even the hairdressers feels really exciting.

Smiles that did make me laugh about Mr S's date of birth mistake. Hopefully his bowls club will continue as it's not just exercise but a social occasion. Like your choir is not just your joy of singing but doing it with others. I am glad I still have my craft group as still on the hunt for an exercise class which I miss very much. Found a couple but would take to long to get too. Will keep on the hunt. I can't join a gym as I can't use the equipment plus it's to expensive.

DerbyshireLass glad to hear the decluttering is going well and hopefully you with exchange soon and have a completion date. Have you found a rental to move too before your serious property hunting. Wow 10lb off that's great as you need to eat 3,500 less calories a week to lose a pound. Bet you clothes all feel loose.

Yogin I agree those video ads are very annoying. Hope you still have plenty of colour in your garden . Hope your new neighbours over the road are parking sensibly not like your old ones.

Speaking to my GP next Monday and having a chat. My pain levels are increasing in frequency. I tolerate a certain level of pain but the flares are coming closer together. Last one was particularly bad. Annoys the hell out of me as it stops me doing some things. My balance has been worse the last few weeks . Walked into a metal barrier Thursday as far as I was concerned I was walking in a straight line but my body veered off. One of the joys of HPX. Tripped 3 times this week luckily bashed into furniture or walls and didn't end up on the floor. No idea what I tripped over must have been my feet as my bungalow is flat. Smashed the last of the bowls my mom had no sentimental attachment I just liked them .

Having my flu jab this week and Covid next . Had blood test this week. Hopefully when I speak to the doctor she will have the results of the 24 hr ECG and blood test . At least my bowel cancer test results where negative .

My daughter and grandson's came on Monday after school. He loved his badge . They both decided nannies bungalow needed cleaning. The little one with my carpet sweeper was funny he insisted on holding it by the very end of the handle his brother loves my hand held vac. Both had on one of my like green microfibre mittens. They had fun while I talked to my daughter.

It's open evening on Thursday so going straight to theirs after craft group and watching the boys while she goes. Seems odd to have an open evening so soon after starting school. But I get playtime and dinner with them.

Everything in the hands of the solicitor the Brain Charity use so will just have to wait for tribunal date. If I do get referrals I am hoping for from my GP that should add to my case. But don't expect a date this side of Christmas. It annoys me no end everything time a read a list of what people can claim for, migraines are the latest one. ?.

One of our craft group brought in a load of her knitting for us to take what we want. She didn't want payment just said give to charity so I sent The Brain Charity £10 as they are helping me. The picture is what I picked out for my grandsons hopefully they will like them. All her knitting she does for charity. Knits a lot of hats for the seamen's mission. She did make me laugh she's mid 80's and said she learnt to crochet when she was 75. Never to old to learn new things.

Hugs hope your move is still on the cards and decluttering and packing is underway.

DiamondLily hopefully you haven't heard from your eldest daughter and the wedding for your youngest one is getting nearer. Why our estranged children paint us as the villains is ridiculous it is they who decided to abandon us not the other way round.

I can't help wonder how my son and grandson's are everyday. It's the not knowing if they are ok that gets to me. Getting Christmas presents for my daughter's 2 just brings the loss to the front of my mind as I should be buying for 5 . But I won't be sending anything for the 3rd Christmas. I can't let my son hurt me again. When did it become a automatic reflex I had to protect myself from my own child .

Take care all.

Well that was the other reason I clung onto Mr. S.'s arm Yogin, so I wouldn't fall flat on my face; the main reason though was I fancied him like mad.

Poor old thing. We've just been for our Covid boosters and they wrote Mr. S.'s year of birth as being 1901, which would make him 121 next month. Wow I thought, he looks good for his age.

Made us both laugh.

I had the same sort of boots Smiles went out in the snow and fell flat on my face! made my D laugh though.

Sorry to hear about your painful hands Whiff wish you better.

Those video adverts on the corner of the page are irritating, if you get rid of them, they then appear in the centre of the page!