Friendship,advice and support if estrangement has affected your life.

Yes we do have a spare room DL but depending on when you want to come, you might have to fight Chewbacca for it, especially as we now have to gas turned on .

Wow, clearly your courage and determination got you through. Sheer bloody mindedness and being stubborn's got me through the last 9.5 years. We had a life before he estranged us and we're having one in its wake.

The act of estrangement is like throwing a pebble into a still pond. The ripples expand outward, far reaching and affecting more than just the immediate family members.

It was awful DSL. He's such a lovely man, great dad too and still occasionally sheds a tear or two so I can understand why you're glad your DH isn't here to see what his son's become.

'A frightened rabbit' just about sums up our ES too. Yes, we can heal but the scars remain don't they. For me, healing from the abuse I was subjected too in childhood has been easier to heal from what our son's done to us. I think in part because in my childhood I was the only one who was hurt, but Mr. S. has been hurt too.

It does feel as if it's gone to waste Dotcom and was all for nothing. Your love for your D and our love for our son.
I wish my mum and m.i.l. hadn't witnessed it either, especially mum who lived so close to them and they were her only GGC.

So sorry for your s.i.l. losing her mum Whiff. I know how fond you are so you'll be feeling her's, her dad's and husband's pain.

Have a nice evening out DSL. We're off out for an Italian and a chance for me to look at the kitchen floor he's laid at the flat.

Will it pass inspection with my eagle eye. Yep, no problem .

smileless
" It does feel as if it's gone to waste" That really resonated with me as the most painful aspect of estrangement. I was a stay at home mum as were most women of my generation ,no maternity leave or being able to go back to your job then. Raising my daughters was my " career" and I put everything into it. At the school gates every morning and afternoon, spent hours ferrying to and watching ballet/tap, gymnastics, horse riding , brownies, guides etc. I read to them every night, sat through the night holding their little hands through various hospital procedures. They were never ever left with childminders or after school clubs. I spent my life building theirs.
My husband was very job focussed, worked long hours and achieved the success he wanted and can now look back on his working life with great satisfaction. When I look back, I just think, what was it all for? It feels like it was for nothing.

Is it really a waste?

Surely those memories still have value?

Normandy Girl I could have written your post.
We were married a few years to save for a home before our daughter was born. And left my career to bring up a family, that was the norm then a days.
Don’t regret any of it.
We have lots of happy memories lasting 40 years..a life time for some.
We think fondly of those times.
Recently I’ve been asked for photos for a cousin’s funeral memory board, that’s been very painful as there she is along side happy and smiling.
Bittersweet moments.
We know and others witnessed our happy family life which we cherish.

It’s been a busy day and productive day on here for me.
I feel I’ve touch based with people on the same wavelength.

Thank you all.
I love flowers and gardening ????

Whiff

Summer love you are new here but very welcome .

I know the person from old and her help and compassion are worthless. It's just empty words and if she doesn't like what you say you get reported and tries to get you suspended . No doubt she has already reported me.

I’m not new here. I’ve been here longer than you have, but thank you for the welcome.

I also know the poster in question And her posting style. I’ve found her to be very genuine - especially since she came back.

I doubt She has reported you and she has states that she doesn’t report people. But your post is a personal attack against her, so if it were reported that would be why. But I certainly won’t be doing it.

Thank you summerlove

These days I know who I am, other peoples definitions of me are not my reality. Who I am can't be hurt by unfair or untrue things any more.

So no I don't report.

VioletSky

Is it really a waste?

Surely those memories still have value?

When you have put all your effort, time, resources, emotion into something that you think is valuable job and worth all the hard work and sacrifice, being told that you were rubbish at it , does make you feel that you have wasted your time. I would think that anyone who devotes their life to any job would feel the same.

I also could have written your post Normandygirl both of them in fact.

I was married at 19, the mother of two by the time I was 23. Fancied being a teacher but never had any career aspirations because all I ever really wanted was a family of my own. So my husband and children, our little family was my career and I poured my heart and soul into it.

Like you I was a stay at home mum but we were fortunate that Mr. S. was always home by 5.30 every tea time so we always sat down together as a family for our evening meal. Many of our friends weren't as fortunate.

When you've been through what we've been through, even the memories bring little comfort. They're tarnished by what our EAC have done and what they have said.

I cannot put into words how close we were, or maybe I just thought we were. I cannot put into words the love that we shared, or maybe I just thought we'd shared. Looking back, it just doesn't seem real, more like a dream. A beautiful dream that lasted for 27 years, and then the nightmare began.

Thanks who reported me proved my point.

Well, it wasn’t me.

But as I did point out it was a personal attack against another poster - so really, against the terms of service.

Just because people don’t post, doesn’t mean people don’t read. Unless they say they’ve done it we have no idea who makes reports.

A reminder not to personally attack other posters perhaps.

Lots of personal attacks about me have gone unreported.

So logic does suggest it isn't me lol

And yet when I got accused of abusing my son and I fought back . It was my post that got deleted not the person attacking me. This was a while ago.

But don't worry I will do what I usually do and ignore people who haven't got a clue what they are talking about.

Nothing to do with me Whiff

Don't think I have ever commented on a thread of yours except this one

The lodge looks wonderful smiles. Very similar to the one we stayed in in Derbyshire earlier this year. You're very lucky to have one all to yourselves.

Sorry just a quick skim tonight. Been busy all day and now I'm wrecked. Goodnight all.

Thanks hugs we are lucky I know. Hope your day's been productive as well as busy.

Smileness. "Sheer bloody mindedness and being stubborn's got me through the last 9.5 years. We had a life before he estranged us and we're having one in its wake"

Never underestimate the power of bloody mindedness, stubbornness, and all round stroppy behaviour- it can move mountains lol ?

I've long given up trying to change people or encourage them to behave reasonably, all I could control was my reactions to them.

But, it still stresses me out to see my DH being hurt by his selfish and ungrateful son.?

you can't compare the feelings of someone estranged from the feelings if those that estrange soneobe else.
The majority on here are mothers whose grown up children have severed contact, we carried that child nine months, from the day they were born loved them. To have that taken away plus grandchildren is life changing and still times too much to bear.
I don't like,to be compared to those that estrange. I don't know their story or want to do and don't read the posts, my choice. They are not going to show me any insight into my situation, my child was not abused.
Sorry you were reported Whiff, you didn't deserve it.

Dotcom and Normandy girl, your situation resonates so much with me, I think that's how we all feel on here, how could this happen? How can they just walk away. The feeling of betrayal and bewilderment is immense the fall out is long reaching. Of course we do go on and build different lives but as this thread demonstrates its there in the background and we support each other in moving on with people that understand.

That's it in a nutshell Allsorts . The estranged and those who estrange see things differently. I know some have experience of both sides but I have only experience being estranged. No matter what my husband's parents did or said he never gave up on them so I never did even after his died looked after my mother in law for 11 years . I could have walked away but didn't nor did our children. They knew what she was like but she was still their nan and still my mother in law. I am not the sort of person who walks away or doesn't do something just because it's hard. That's the stubbornness in me. And that has kept me going since my husband died. What my son has done is because he wants to he's an adult it's his life. But my husband and I would never dream of taking the children away from their grandparents. That's just cruel especially as in my case I got to see my son and 2 grandson's every week for 7 months then Covid hit. But still had pics and videos . But can't watch the videos as my son's voice is on them and the Easter egg hunt I can see my daughter in law. I can't watch with the sound off because I love hearing my grandson's.

As much as it hurts I will not let it over shadow my life. As that's no way to live . Have wobbles but I am a mom and nan. Love for my son and grandson's will never die. But he killed any trust or forgiveness in me for what he and my daughter in law have done. But I am fine with that. But my door is open if he decides he wants to see me but he will have a lot of questions to answer.

DerbyshireLass hope you enjoyed the film and got some peace for a couple of hours. This will be a hard week for you my thoughts are with you. ?

Good morning everyone.

A new dawn, a new day. Thankfully I feel a little brighter today, at least emotionally. Physically I'm wrecked. I do find that when I have what Whiff calls a wobbly day, I also take a nose dive physically, especially with my fibro. A mass of aches and pains this Morning.

Enjoyed the film last night, it was good to get out. This is what I need to do more of, no more sitting around wishing and hoping but make an effort to just get out there. What happened with my son and DIL has definitely dented my confidence and I need to reclaim my joire de vie.

Buyers surveyor coming this morning, then I need to go shopping. Still no idea if I will see my son on Wednesday so need to buy a card and gift voucher. DIL did send me a brief text yesterday on another matter, no mention of my sons birthday so I'm assuming that whatever is happening I'm excluded.

Diamond Lily. WOW!!!! Managing to get mobile again after 2 years in a wheelchair. I take my hat off to you. And I agree - sheer bloody mindedness will move mountains. ??. But seriously well done you. You are an inspiration.

I have a long journey to regain my fitness but I'm determined. The years as my husbands carer wrecked my health. I was slowly picking up when wham last years estrangement knocked me right back. But I'm fighting back.

That is one of the reasons why I'm moving. A smaller house and garden, cheaper and easier to maintain, more time and energy to concentrate on me. Time and money to invest in my health, join a gym, get some physio.

Allsorts....betrayal and bewilderment. Exactly that. How do we bounce back from that. Not easily that's for sure. The fall out is indeed long reaching, in my case my health has taken a battering and I've lost my confidence and my joire de vie. But I'm being bloody minded and stubborn and I wont let it defeat me,

I intend to be a completely different person this time next year. Fitter, stronger, healthier and living life to the full. I feel like I have a mountain to climb but I know that if I put my mind to it and put the work in then I will reap the rewards,

Just need to keep my eye on the prize. There will be wobbly days and set backs but I have set my target and I won't give up till I reach it.

Thanks for the support yesterday, it was a bad one but I'm putting it behind me.

Have a good day and thanks again. ❤️

Posts crossed Whiff,

Yes it won't be easy this week but I'll be ok.

To quite Elizabeth 1st Tilbury speech "I may have the body of a weak and feeble woman but I gave the heart and stomach of a King". ??.

This old warrior queen will just climb back onto her chariot and battle through it. Hopefully coming out the other side stronger and wiser.

Have, not gave.....?

DSL - thank you, but I did have a lot of help from people. A brilliant neurologist who threw the sink at it.

I tried every type of thing/suggestion and therapy to help me - alternative, standard, and completely nuts..?

My motivation was to walk, and get fit enough to leave home and file for divorce - a strange spur, I suppose, but it worked for me.

And as my eldest grandson pointed out to me (he was 3 at the time) - "Nanny, I can walk round the shops now, so you should be a big girl and get out the pram as well. We could hold hands" ??

Anyway, hope this week isn't too tough for you, and all goes as smoothly as possible.

Don't let the buggars get you down..?

Love that quote DSL. Elizabeth 1st, arguably the best monarch this country ever had. Daughter of a vilified and beheaded mother and declared a bastard by her father.

I found the difference our estrangement made to my self confidence quite shocking TBH as I've always been reasonably confident. Becoming less so has a surprisingly big impact on our feeling of self worth and how we live our everyday lives.

9.5 years on I think I've pretty much recovered mine but there are still times when I'm surprised at how a particular scenario can make me feel.

Glad you enjoyed the film. It does us the power of good to get out of the house and so something fun to take our minds of our troubles.

Betrayal and bewilderment. I can't think of two words that sum it up as well as those do Allsorts.

When Mr. S.'s dad, I hadn't seen my in laws for about 7 years due to the behaviour of my m.i.l. He died at home, she found him in his chair and 'phoned our office. I answered and all she could say was her H's name so I knew, I knew he'd gone.

Told Mr. S. 'we need to go now, it's your dad'. Less than a 5 minute car ride away and on the way I took hold of his hand and said 'I don't think this is very good'.

She was in a terrible state and I did what I do instinctively, put my arms around her and held her close. Our relationship changed in that moment and we had some wonderful times together, including taking her to our villa Florida.

So I can understand what you're saying Whiff although I appreciate that because of the way your m.i.l. had been and continued to be, you were unable to have the relationship we had.

It's a lovely sunny morning here so my egg chair is beckoning and when I've done what needs doing, I'll be sitting out there with my book.

Just seen your post DL and read how your 3 year old GS said you were a big girl and get out of the pram too. What a fabulous memory for you to have .