SUPPORT for all living with estrangement

DerbyshireLass glad the visit went well. Bet your daughter in law's face was a picture when you said no to Christmas day . Bet inside you punching the air . You will have a wonderful day with your son and his girlfriend. But be on your guard for boxing day. Suit of armour at the ready.

Smiles glad you got home safely. I have had tremors in my hands for getting close to 34 years. Funnily enough the only time they are still is when I cross stitch. My neurological condition started when I was 29. But my husband was wonderful he just said we will alter our live to suit you. Our daughter was 4 and son 6 months old. Ended up in hospital for 3 weeks just as our daughter started school and our son was 8 months.

Both mom's helped out. My mom had retired beginning of the year and my father in law had died. In away it helped his mom cope with the grief. As she was busy at our house. Where she stayed while I was in hospital. My dad brought my mom over every morning before he went to work . This was in 1988. Didn't see the children for 3 weeks. Hell on earth. Once home. They took it in turns to help out. Once home I did housework and all the cooking . Mom's where needed to take our daughter to and from school and when our son was 3 playschool. I couldn't walk that far. Once home they took it in turns helping. Didn't need both together.

I am classed as disabled by the medical profession. But I don't class myself as that. I have problems but because of the man my husband was I cope. The children and my grandson's grew and are growing up with a mom and nan who has problems . At times my body stops me doing some things which bugs the hell out of me. But I live an independent life. As far as the government is concerned I don't exist. As there is no name for my neurological condition never been able to claim any benefits. But I am not alone in that unless you have a label you can't claim anything.

I am grateful for my new neurologist as thanks to him and 2 tablets haven't had a seizure in 18 months.

Sorry for the long explanation. But I can't say I have X Y or Z. Expect with my heart condition I have PAF. Yah a label and a short explanation.

Radiator all fixed it needed a new valve , he checked all the others they where fine.

Dr Beckman got the carpet clean. Brilliant stuff .

As far as my son is concerned there is nothing I can do about that. The next move will be his . I miss him and my grandson's but will never contact him. He wants zero contact he has it.

If they can fix my heart and I need an operation I will have it done but my son doesn't need to know. He knew when he sent that email there was a problem with my heart and I was waiting for a bubble echocardiogram.

I have taken him off all paperwork with next of kin on. He choose not to have a mother. So I don't want him being contacted especially where my health is concerned. Before that email I trusted him completely. I don't now. And that was so hard to come to terms with.

But I will not let him give me sleepless nights or live with what if's . My husband dieing at 47 taught me life is to short for that.

I doubt any of this would have happened if I still lived over 100 miles away. But don't regret moving one bit. I love my new life and the new me. I am happier,stronger and finally living my life not just coasting along like I was.

The irony is both my children wanted me living closer to them for years. Now I do . My son loved it for 9 months or so I thought. Then WHAM. I am vindictive and manipulative plus other things. How ,when and why I will probably never know.

But it's my grandson's who are missing out as the 2 I know loved coming here. But they are to young to remember me now and their brother will never know I exist. My other 2 grandson's have 3 cousins they don't know anything about. But my son made his choice . How he will answer if my grandson's ask why they only have one Nannie and no grandfather's is anyone's guess. As they do have a grandfather but he is the other side of the world.

Ramble over?

DerbyshireLass - I hope all goes well with the christmas plans. They shouldn’t assume that you will fall in with their plans. My eldest son used to be like that for years until they had children themselves and decided to stay at their own home. Well, a couple of years back I discovered that the in-laws always went there on Christmas Day for brunch! It was slipped out by mistake by my sons MIL once when I went with them to a kids carol concert. I was mortified and she tried to make a joke of it. Maybe the look on my face shocked her. When I got home I broke my heart as I had never been invited. This year my son and DIL have bought a holiday home at Devon and they are staying their for christmas. He said that his in-laws plus an aunt, her brother and his girlfriend are all staying there over christmas and new year. We have my youngest son for christmas plus DH and I are going to North Yorkshire for New Year while my youngest son is staying with friends at London. But my eldest son didnt know our plans and it would have nice to have been invited.

I had the text poised ready to send to my daughter yesterday and deleted it. It will get sent but not yet. Yesterday was such a down day and if she hadn’t replied I think it would have hurt more, even though I am not holding out much hope.

DL ???

DerbyshireLass..
Hope lessons have been learnt ? pleased it went well.
Glad you arrived home safely smileless!!❄☃️☃️
? for all.

That's great news DSL. So pleased it went well and you were able to play happily in the snow with your GC. Have you blown it, by not complying? Absolutely not.

What you've done is shown them that yes, your son and GC are important people in your life but they're not the only ones. Your reasons for living aren't them and them alone. You have a son and his GF who love you and want to spend time with you.

I bet your d.i.l's. face was a picture, pity you couldn't catch it on camera.

Do be careful Whiff, are you still having a problem with your hands? Pop back on when you can so we know everything's OK.

I was up at 7.30 this morning as I'm going out shortly and that's an early start for me Yogine. Just don't wake up before 8.00/8.30 unless I set the alarm.

So your to blame for this freezing weather Derby Sounds like things are sorting out for you, well done.

Another early riser like me Whiff shame about your lovely cup of tea, hope you got yourself another.

Good luck Pixie You did the right thing in trying again x

Well done Smiles on getting home safe & sound,

Just writing this before I read all the posts. Had a brilliant start to my day?. Woke at 5 made myself a mug of tea, got back into bed. Got my pill box out for the day. Reached over to get a tissue and knocked my mug of tea over. Took me 20 mins mopping up all the tea . Amazing how far a boiling hot mug of tea spreads and hot quickly tablets can dissolve in a few drops of tea. ????. Doesn't need a mind reader to see me cleaning the carpet with Dr Beckman in my near future.

Better than the last time I knocked a boiling hot cup of tea over. That was in the living blackcurrant and blueberry fruit tea. I have pale grey carpets .

But got to get showered and dressed now. Got Homeserve coming to my leaking radiator. Back later.?

Just a quickie to give you an update....

The visit went surprisingly well. They seemed happy, no apology or explanation of course but as I didn't expect one I let it slide.

Just as they arrived it started snowing so cue much excitement. After lunch we played in the snow. Needless to say the children loved it. I told the eldest who is 3 and a bit that I had ordered the snow especially for their visit and his face just lit up.

There was a slightly difficult moment when I steered the conversation to Christmas. I have probably upset them, especially DIL.

They have elected to have Christmas Day in their own home. I thought they would and I am very happy about. It will be much nicer for the children to be allowed to stay at home to play with their new toys rather than be dragged out to someone else's house.

However..........They had taken it for granted that I would spend the day with them (without bothering to tell me this was their plan).

When I told them my other son and girlfriend had asked if they come to me and that I had agreed my son and DIL were somewhat taken aback. They had just blithely assumed that I would fall in with their wishes without question.

I said I would be happy to meet up with them Boxing Day. So we shall see. My son seemed ok with that but DIL didn't seem too happy.

It was a very tricky moment.

However, given their treatment of me in recent month what did they expect. Having been persona non gratis for months how was I expected to know that they thought it was a given that I would spend the day with them at their house.

If nothing else maybe it has taught them they can't just discard me and my other son then pick us up again when the mood suits them. Maybe they will learn from this that they can't play Happy Families one minute and then ignore us when they have better things to do or more attractive offers.

Have I blown it by not complying. Only time will tell. But they seemed happy enough when they left and, so far, I've not received any abusive texts from DIL.

Is it just conceivable they might have learned a valuable lesson today.

Purplepixie That is all you can do, what is right for you. If she does not get in touch then yes, you will be hurt. But you will have tried. You will be hurting regardless, even if you have not tried. You will probably have the burden of thinking 'what if I had tried'? Dreadful whichever. That is the only solution for you. You try.

I hope you get a positive response purplepixieyou cant switch off love.

Forgot to say, back home safe and sound. Not too bad a drive home all things considered. There's now a mixture of rain and snow which I don't have to go out in.

At least you'll know you've tried again Purplepixie it's so hard isn't it because if you do reach out again there's always that hope, no matter how small that you'll get something positive by way of a response.

I hope you do love.

It makes perfect sense Granniesunite and no, you are not a woos. The love and support you give your AC is priceless .

Thank you Bridie22 . I have just spoken to my youngest son and he said to just send the text and see if she wants to meet up. He hasn’t seen or spoken to her in the same length of time but she has text him in the past. I have tried not to influence him but he says that he doesn’t like her and doesn’t want her in his life. He is annoyed at how she has treat me, especially when she wouldn’t let me see my 2 beautiful grand daughters for 2 years before her ex husband decided that I had to be in their lives. So sad.

Purplepixie...I hope your decision has a positive outcome for you all.?

So many sad stories on here. How on earth do we all get through each day. I just couldn’t sleep last night as I rolled over in my head some of the scenarios of the past. Sadly, I try to give them different ending - which isn’t going to happen.

I have decided to still send my daughter the christmas card and gift voucher that I always have done and maybe text her AGAIN to see if we can meet up. Maybe face to face things might be different but after 7 years I am not holding out much hope. She goes from man to man and each time brings them into the girls lives which I find is all wrong. All this comes from my eldest son, so it might not be that accurate. I haven’t heard from him though since September and I am tired of it all as I am not getting any younger. I cannot put it into words how I feel. Sometimes a panic starts up inside of me and I have to really give myself a good talking too. Infact if I could give myself a kick up the bum at times I would! Thank you for reading this.

Until then my AC and the rest of us will continue to live in hope

Granniesunite so sorry. [?]

Diamondlily thankyou for your apology. I expect others on the thread will appreciate it too.

The thread supports/advises/ acts as kind critical friends to anyone dealing with estrangement but yes I think the majority are estranged GPs/Parents.

The decisions made were clearly right for you in your family.

Best wishes to you too

That so good you feel like that Diamondlily No regrets then.

Our situation has been caused by divorced my AC -in early twenties -married an individual that was so so angry with the world it was tangible. It frightened the wits out of me, friends and, our family members I can tell you but my AC thought that love and support would overcome all. It didn’t.

Emotionally controlled and financially abused for many years my AC made the decision to leave the marriage but with huge concern for the child as Alienation was such a way of life for the in-laws. Anyone who disagreed more that once, was cut off, ridiculed, undermined and, worst of all lied about. It would have been funny if it hadn’t been so serious We all knew what was in front of us.

Fast forward a few horrific years and yes we’re all cut off from that child/grandchild. It’s been a nightmare.We’re a huge family with many different personalities and not all of us get on but we do as a lot of families do try to see the good side and ignore the bad. Not easy but after my AC was cut off from the child and us by default, ranks were closed and we were surrounded by their love and support. I’m grateful for that.

Im also very proud of the way in which my AC has conducted the whole sad affair hasn’t let go of the child and never will. Technology has helped though it is always hurtful text etc.
Advice from a professional psychologist was sought in the early days and has continued through out these years.
Work is the saviour.

I’m different.I’m a bit of a woose and struggle. But I’m working on that. I worry that my darling grandchild will think it’s normal to just walk away with no effort to resolve a problem. Lies will be normal no matter how big or small she’s the third generation in that family to be taught this is the way to behave.

I pray that one day she will be able to see exactly what’s going on but also wonder if she’ll be devastated if she ever has to face the lies and undermining that has been covertly going on. It’s all done with a laugh.

There are documents that prove the lies and other things one day these might be used. But that will very much depend on the emotional stability of my grandchild and if circumstance allow.

Until then my AC and the rest of us will continue to live in hope.

Thanks for listening ladies and I hope it makes sense.

Madgran77

Our posts crossed DiamonLily so apologies for that. Your decision to estrange was clearly right for you!

I agree it is wrong to assume one "side" is always in the wrong, and have often made that point on threads. However I think unless enough detail is given for reasons, as you have done now, then the wrong impression can easily be given in posts. And I am still unclear how your original post was intended to advise/help posters on this thread.

Anyway, I'll leave it there.

No worries, and I cross posted with you.

I’m sorry, it was obviously my mistake. I am fairly new to this site, and I thought the thread was to share different views and circumstances.

Obviously, looking again, it’s a support thread mainly for estranged parents, which doesn’t really apply to me, so I won’t post on it!

Again, my mistake entirely. I should read things more thoroughly sometimes.

Best wishes. ?

Madgran77

*They just phoned me, laughing and said they “got it why I’d done it”*

How sad to end up laughingabout it! I am unclear how their dad, your ex MiLs son felt in all this? It appears from your post that you gave that little thought DiamondLily but I hope I am wrong! Did you children keep in touch with their father by the way?

I hope that others on this thread who are at different stages on a painful estrangement/low contact/fearing it road are not too upset by it. I am not sure if your purpose in posting was intended to be helpful to them or not, but I am pretty sure it wasn't!!

I apologise if my posts upset anyone, but I don’t see how. I was just explaining MY circumstances, and as I said, all back stories are different.

I don’t insult anyone, I don’t accuse anyone, but I am just talking about ONE particular woman, ( who, incidentally had also been estranged by her 6 son in laws, (she had one son and six daughters), her siblings and her own mother!). She was a nasty women. The fact she was a grandmother didn’t make her less of one.

My husband was so appalled by the last stroke she pulled that he didn’t want to talk to her again. His choice entirely.

We had tried, for 7 years, as a couple, to get the relationship to normal, but couldn’t.

Yes, the children keep in touch with their Dad. They were adults before we divorced, he was a great dad, no need for them not to. Why would they not?

Again, I am sorry if I have upset anyone, I thought the thread was to share estrangement accounts, and I think I’m always respectful of other peoples various circumstances.

Our posts crossed DiamonLily so apologies for that. Your decision to estrange was clearly right for you!

I agree it is wrong to assume one "side" is always in the wrong, and have often made that point on threads. However I think unless enough detail is given for reasons, as you have done now, then the wrong impression can easily be given in posts. And I am still unclear how your original post was intended to advise/help posters on this thread.

Anyway, I'll leave it there.

They just phoned me, *laughing and said they “got it why I’d done it”*

How sad to end up laughingabout it! I am unclear how their dad, your ex MiLs son felt in all this? It appears from your post that you gave that little thought DiamondLily but I hope I am wrong! Did you children keep in touch with their father by the way?

I hope that others on this thread who are at different stages on a painful estrangement/low contact/fearing it road are not too upset by it. I am not sure if your purpose in posting was intended to be helpful to them or not, but I am pretty sure it wasn't!!

Yoginimeisje

When you stand at Heaven's gate Diamondlilly if you get that far. You say your 'ex' why did you not say your m.i.l's son?
As for the GC never having had a relationship with their loving GM, no surprise there was no bond, you can't bond with a GM that's been made into a stranger. Your H probably never mentioned his mother in case he got a rolling pin down on his head!

Oh, lol, when I estranged I told him he was perfectly ok to keep in touch with her. Didn’t bother me at all.

HE chose not to, when he found out her latest toxic outburst. I don’t do rolling pins, and he wasn’t a wimp that would have allowed his wife to tell him who he could see or not. ?

As for the children, I’m not sure they missed much, to be honest.

Some of her more minor transgressions, when they were ages 4 and 2: :

*Calling them by the names “noisy little bastards”.

*Teaching them, while I was at the dentist, to eff and blind at adults. Their nursery was really thrilled with that, until we could stop it lol

*Telling them their dad wasn’t their dad (he most certainly was lol)

They missed nothing. I’m a gran of 5 (now adult) GCs, and that type of thing has never been part of my mindset as a loving gran..?

Just as it’s wrong for some to assume ALL estranged parents must be abusers, it’s just as wrong to assume ALL estrangers (?) are evil people trying to harm their kids.

It’s a cop out for some to ALWAYS assume the wife/DIL must be the problem. Married men are grown ups, with free will.

I say “ex” because I divorced my ex husband in 2004, for entirely unconnected reasons. So, he is my “ex”.

As for Heavens Gate, well I’m a non believer, so I guess I’ll have to wait and see.

Every back story to estrangement is different. ?

Above clearly for DL