SUPPORT for all living with the pain of estrangement

Your post was very interesting to read PF. Thankyou so much for posting.

I know what you mean about counselling ...it has to be the right fit for you, both the counsellor and the style of counselling.

Good post Petitfromage (still want to call you Dolcelatte) and glad you’re finding therapy helpful.

You seem to me to be more content and in control of things from when we first posted and that is definitely a good thing for you and your DH.

It’s a long road but the journey gets easier and more satisfying along the way x

Good morning everybody.

Smileless, please pass on my best wishes to Charlie for his early recovery!

I just wanted to say that I have found my therapy extremely useful and helpful, as I am learning to change my thought patterns and to avoid as much as possible the negative spiral.

I have tried counselling before, which didn't really work for me, as I felt it was a case of 'Come and tell me all of your problems and here is a box of tissues and a large bill'! Of course, I know a lot of people do find counselling helpful and maybe the counsellor just wasn't the right fit for me.

Anyway, this approach is totally different, as the therapist explained something of the workings of the brain and the science behind why we fall into negative and repetitive thought patterns; also the importance of sleep.

There are exercises to be done, which include simple things like keeping a 'gratitude diary', but it really works - at least it is working for me. I have found myself looking at all aspects of my life differently and I feel calmer. I have accepted that all I can control is my own reactions to certain situations and that my only responsibility is for my own 'monkeys' (as in the saying 'not my circus, not my monkeys'!). There is just no point in obsessing about other people's actions and reactions, which are their 'monkeys' to deal with.

I am learning mechanisms for banishing the initial thoughts which trigger the negative cycle, and this has really helped me to declutter my brain, and made me feel more peaceful. I am still very much a 'work in progress', but there has been an improvement. I am much less anxious, as I break away from compulsive thought patterns which take over my mind and are harmful to me.

My DD sent a Youtube link yesterday to some ghastly homophobic comedy sketch from about thirty years ago, which was vile then and certainly wouldn't be allowed now. It was so awful that I wondered if she had sent it to deliberately wind me up. But this was just one item among lots of more chatty messages and photos and videos of the DGDs, which are still arriving on a daily basis. So I concluded that she and SIL must genuinely find the sketch amusing.

My initial reaction was that I felt sickened that she has developed such intolerant views (they are also Islamophobic and racially prejudiced). I began wondering what I had done wrong that an adult child of mine could hold such hateful views and then I began to worry about the effect on the DGDs. Then I stamped on the thoughts, told myself she hadn't been brought up like that, her sisters are the total opposite, that the DGDs are not my responsibility and the chances are that they will almost certainly develop very different views of their own. So, not my 'monkeys', and my thought process moved on without dwelling on the matter, as I would have done previously.

I just thought I would share my experience in case others find it helpful. I remember so well the period of semi-estrangement, the sleepless nights, the endless churning of the brain and the negative thought patterns which consumed me and wouldn't go away, so that they impacted on my other relationships as well as my health. I still feel sad at the lost years, especially given DH's diagnosis, and the fact that DD did not tell us of her marriage or the birth of DGD1 until she was 14 months old. But I can't change that and the endless feelings of anger and hurt weren't serving any purpose, save to damage me. So, I am learning to let go of the past and to detach. And, oddly enough, by detaching, my relationship with my DD has improved.

I apologise for the length of this post so early in the day!

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Oh Chewbacca I was enjoying a glass ofwhen I came on here, saw your post and almost choked.

Feels great doesn't it Madgran. Not long for you to wait Granniesunite

Lucky Smileless and Madgran ; it's now 19 weeks since my last haircut and colour and I'm beginning to look like Gandalf. My hairdresser decided, right at the beginning of lockdown that she'd decided to "call it a day" and I'm struggling to find any hairdresser who isn't booked up until the end of September. By then, I'll be Cousin It.

I also had a haircut today...definitely a treat!!

Good to hear that smileless. I can't wait til it's my turn. End of the month for me. Its such a cheer up.

Simple pleasures.

What a difference a trip to the hair dresser makes. I don't just feel like 'me' again, but look like 'me' too!!

hugshelp

Getting that caravan out sounds quite hair-raising smiles, good job you're getting groomed after that!

Thanks hugshelp.

We had a very entertaining day yesterday. The couple who have a static caravan in the corner, opposite us have upgraded so their old one was removed yesterday and the new one installed.

We'd always wondered how the old one would be taken out as there's a large tree between them and us, a tight turn and they're huge!!

At one point there was only about 6 inches either side between our decking, another static and the one being moved.

Large griping mats were placed underneath to prevent the wheels slipping and it was that that bothered me the most as in order to place the mats, a man on either side had to lie underneath to put them in place.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow as I'm getting my hair cut, the dogs are booked in for their regular grooming session so with the 3 of us looking 'fab' we'll just have to hope Mr. S. doesn't let the side down.

Hope the camper van is fixed soon smiles

Ooh that all sounds very exciting and relaxing. Have lovely times smiles and pantglas

We were supposed to be picking up camper van Charlie on Tuesday but have just had an email to say there's a fault with the fire, a part needs to ordered, so it could be a couple of weeks.

It's good that that he's been given a thorough check over to make sure everything's in order, just means we have to be patient.

I'm not very good at being patient!!!

Did you feel anxious about the flight Pantglas? Good thinking that sooner rather than later when things may not be as strict was the time to go.

It's a good job we no longer have our place in Florida as goodness knows when we'd have been able too, or wanted to go there again.

We had a lovely evening yesterday at some friends for a socially distanced BBQ. Hadn't seen them since just before Christmas. We were due to see them in March when we were here but that was cancelled due to the lock down, so it was great to catch up.

A beautiful morning here this morning, the rabbit's been out againand we're looking forward to another week here.

We arrived here in Spain lat Saturday night Smileless! Informed decision to fly sooner when hygiene would be high on everyone’s agenda rather than later when folks might become blasé!

Well if you're all thinking of pitching up at Smileless's lodge for a holiday, please form an orderly queue! I'm first!

It looks delightful. I am so pleased that you are enjoying yourselves. I love a good sunset!

Great pics. Looks lovely to have such great views around

Oooh Spain, how lovely Pantglas. Have you any immediate plans to go or have you put everything on hold because of Covid?

It is lovely Yogagirl; we're very lucky xx

Lovely pics Smileless and we did a similar thing during estrangement and bought our little Casa here in Spain as a getaway!

Looks lovely S xx

You're more than welcome Chewbacca to come and investigate our lodge "from an elf and safety" point of view.

You can stay for free.