"My parents did their best" - Really, even though it was emotionally and physically abusive?

I did my best running the 100 meters and still came last, it just feels like a bit of a cop out to say "I did my best" like I'm still owed a prize instead of "I'm not a very fast runner" x

Smileless -- Abusive parents don't think they are abusers. So a lot of "good parents", self reported, which holds zero weight because only your kids get to evaluate your parenting, say it all the time.

So whether a parent is truly abusive or not, all EP's claim that line like it invalidates any possibility that their kids could be telling the truth about their true nature IF they were abusive.

"I did my best!" is also the mantra many of our abusers hammered at us like a magic wand of, "So long as I did my best the results don't matter!" Well, my 'mom's "best" left me a suicidal mess with no self worth.

Abusive parents are like bad fire-fighters. They get dressed, show up but don't bother to unpack a hose or spray water on the fire. They just stand back as the building burns down while crying, "I tried my best!" No one but the fire-fighter believes that because the evidence shows they made no real attempt to douse the flames.

The reason why EP's say they did their best HolyHannah is because some of them did. I can't understand why an abusive parent would say that but I do understand why a non abusive parent would.

On the theme of, "Parents doing their 'best'." I often wonder why EP's say that at all. A reality of life is, it doesn't matter how hard you TRY, failure can always be an outcome.

My 'mom' tried to be a good parent and "did her best", unfortunately her "best" was to be a cruel and emotional child abuser.

I find it offensive that some think EAC are not smart enough or are "too emotionally immature" to understand the challenges our parents went through to raise us. I DO understand which makes her abuse that much less tolerable/acceptable now that I'm an adult.

Thinking that one did their best at the time, and sticking with that perception, is considerably different than one revising their prior perception to having now realized they didn't do their best and admitting it-

I agree Sara It is interesting to hear other people's stories. I was only beaten once. I was 11 and my father beat me up. I had to stay off school until my cuts and bruises healed. I was lucky. It was only once.

Most perhaps Yennifer but sadly for some EP's not all.

The thread has moved away in places from the original title as often happens, so is no longer just about parents who were/are physically or emotionally abusive. There have been posts about the existence or not, of happy functional families.

Maybe I'm a bit weird Sara65 and Katy but I can't cope with sympathy at times, it makes me have feelings about it and I can't handle it x

This is about parents who did physically or emotionally abuse their children saying that they did their best Smileless2012 I'm sure most AC do think that their parents did their best when their parents were x

Katy

Same as you, I don’t want any sympathy, I’m well over it, and free from my mother.

But it’s interesting to hear other people’s experiences, and sometimes good to make me realise that I may not have been happy, but I wasn’t beaten, I wasn’t abused, so it makes me count my blessings.

Taking any form of abuse out of the equation, I wonder if there would be fewer cases of estrangement if some AC accepted that their parents did their best. That looking back on their childhood, it may not have been all they'd wanted it to be, or what they felt they deserved but if "the idea of a happy, functional family is (indeed) a fragile veneer", to estrange their parents because their's wasn't 'perfect' is neither reasonable nor fair.

M0nica, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure ..
The idea of a happy, functional family is a fragile veneer- A conclusion that easily fractures, therfore, worth some measure of reassessment, which doesn't involve outlawing families altogether ..

Thank you Graymar I have mentioned my childhood many times on here and have learned that I am certainly not the only one. I am not looking for sympathy (just commenting) but appreciate your kindness.

Thanks Madgran, sometimes things come out in a jumble here don't they?

So sorry Katy.

I suppose it's the old 'blood's thicker than water thing' whatever that means.

Oh Katy, because you’re a better person than him I suppose.

My father certainly didn't do his best. He was a drunken, violent, abusive, selfish man. I can never understand why my siblings and me looked after him in later years.

Greymar

I hope so too.
But in some cases children aren’t abused, nor particularly ill treated, it’s more a constant feeling of being disapproved of, disliked even.

I would never ever suggest that my upbringing was a fraction as awful as an abused child, but coldness, a feeling of being disgusting in some way, every effort to gain some approval was classed as showing off, this doesn’t make for a happy childhood. I think looking back, that some of our neighbors were aware of how things were, which led to little acts of kindness, which I remember still, and am grateful for.

Greymar I agree with all you say in your last post

I was talking about myself. There is the rough and tumble of family life and there is something far more sinister and damaging. I do think though, life has moved on and what was once seen as acceptable has changed. Hopefully, there are more opportunities for children to speak out.

The need to know who we are, about our origins remains alive in most of us, including those of us who were adopted or grew up in long term foster care. This is increasingly recognised in the way some level of indirect or direct contact is maintained with birth families.
Many children seek out their birth families when they reach an age to do so, or when life events nudge them to do so. The outcome varies of course.
I don't think you're absolutely right to say 'even a bad parent is a good parent to a child' urmstongran. Its unusual though for children placed outside of their birth family not to want some contact or to know about them.

‘Even a bad parent is a good parent to a child’. Sad isn’t it but true I think, on some level?

rosecarmel you remind me of a friend who is a personal injury solicitor. If you were to believe her all bicycles would be banned as they are the most dangerous vehicles on the road. That is because in her work, so many of her clients are cyclists who have been injured in accidents.

You work with disadvantaged families facing many problems, andallcredit t you for that, and therefore assume this is the norm.

I think this happens more often than we even know, Madgran.

So do I Starlady

"A happy functioning family is one that has its ups and downs, disagreements and resolutions. Times of trouble and disagreement but times of forgiveness adjustment and tolerance."

And I agree Monica. I observe a great many families like this. Some families then have a time of trouble that links to exactly what I described above with the development of an unhealthy relationship

And in those cases, some of the stories on here are not parents, one after the next, expressing their shock, having just discovered that the portrait of their family dynamic wasn't as happy or as healthy as they imagined-....*rosecarmel*. They are parents watching what I described and worrying. And maybe some are there when their AC need their support as they break free from their relationship, when the AC has noone else to turn to and returns to a family they know deep down will still be there. And they get support! From a not perfect, and not claiming to be perfect family/Parents, who are just there when needed and asked to help and when the chips are down!

I think Greymar was talking about her parents Madgran77

Oh ok. It seemed more generalised. Greymar I am sorry that you endured that