"My parents did their best" - Really, even though it was emotionally and physically abusive?

Maybe share some things but not special toys, don't want to raise doormats either that give toouch and suffer x

Exactly Yennifer not everything needs to be shared but some things can and should be.

Smileless - Nor do I agree that in response to a child's silly behaviour, to say it is silly is labelling them.

We are of a generation where it was commonplace to say this type of thing back in the day, but not anymore.

I used to think this too, but now I see it as undermining the childs confidence.

But what is silly behaviour? - a child testing boundaries? Remove, distract and explain with respect.

I would be hurt to be called silly, wouldn't you?
And we are fully grown humans.

Greymer -*Also, looking at body language in photos, I see no sign of abuse. Where did it come from, I wonder?*

Sadly, there are many, many instances of abused children in photographs smiling with their abusers.

We'll have to agree to disagree on this one ananimous.

Sara65
Knowing that smacking is illegal in some places - I'm interested to know how you feel now about it, though?

If you put it in todays context, you were emotionally abused.

Are you aware of what the repercussions of that treatment are?
Putting kids up chimneys was the norm in the past, and abuse now.

Also, importantly.

My point is for you to be validated. No excuses. Then or now, it was ill-treatment that you did not deserve.

Smacking laws have been introduced in Scotland and Wales, with England next.

Smileless2012
Hey, we almost shook hands there, I'm taking that!

Maybe the damage is mitigated ( to some extent)if the other parent is OK.
I think we all have to take responsibility for ourselves. Using the cloak of history is not good enough.

ananimous

Yes, agreed, re the smiling in photos. But I saw no sign of anything in my maternal GM, no quick temper or desire to hurt as was exhibited by my mother. I do understand about playing it forward thhrough the generations but I see no signs of it. I can only conclude she was a depressed , trapped woman who has a baby girl who didn't come up to scratch.

Ananimous.

I’m certainly not a fan of smacking children, although I admit mine had the occasional tap on the bottom when they were little.
I would prefer to pretend they didn’t, but they did.

The thing is, I can’t change my past, so I’m not going to waste too much time trying to analyse it.

Greymar, my dad was alright, a very good dad when I was little, Over the years I think ill health made him less tolerant, but I would never have taken such a drastic step while he was alive.

It is difficult to look inside at yourself and so much easier to blame someone else. That's why in abusive families there tends to be a scapegoat.

I'm not making excuses but society has changed from "children should be seen and not heard" to a better one. Also, physical violence was acceptable in schools, prisons etc and still is in parts of the world.

Using the cloak of history is not good enough.

Trauma changes your brain and your dna

And "you cany be what you cant see"

Im not saying history should be used as an excuse. What Im saying is that some people genuinely have limited capacity when it comes to self improvement and healthy relationships may be beyond their reach due to damage already done.

Smacking is a subject that deeply confuses me. My darling mother's main form of punishment for 'crimes' that I was unaware of at the time, was to lock me in a room for hours with no food or water and I had to wee on the floor, for which I'd get punished with smacking around my head when I was freed.

All these years on I still remember with panic the fear of being locked in that room, knowing the punishment that would follow - but the pain of the smacking has gone, forgotten. I fear that by banning smacking, some parents may turn to psychological punishment, where the scars cannot be seen but remain on the mind for ever.

ananimous, I remember, very well, the being sent to bed with no dinner. Lying there for hours with my tummy complaining that I was just too hungry to sleep - usually for giving the wrong answer or saying the wrong thing.

I never, ever did that with my four children. Whatever evil thing they'd done, all was forgiven and forgotten as we enjoyed our evening meal!

Nobody who doesnt have a tendancy to emotionally abuse will decide to start just because smacking is banned

Hopefully not notanan, but I agree with Bohemian, a smack was always much preferable to some awful drawn out punishment

One of the worst was The Silent Treatment. Terrifying to a small child.

bohemian, so sorry you suffered this.

That's just awful Bohemian

As maybe some of you will be aware (as I'm sure I'm not the only one to have suffered neglect and abuse at the hands of my parents) at that time (1950's) there was no one to ask for help. Thankfully after 60 years, that help has come.

notonan, how does trauma change your dna? Please?

Stress and trauma releases hormones. Hormones that you are only supposed to have in short bursts (flight or fight) not at a constant low level, the body is not designed to be always "on edge". This changes your physiology. Genes are turned or or turned off by environment and biochemistry. Your dna mutates.

People who have had emotional traumas become at greater risk of physical disease because emotioinal stress isnt some abstract non physical thing, it changes your biochemistry and endocrine system which changes your cells which changes your body.

Smileless

It is possible (and recommended) to distinguish between a child's behaviour and the child him/herself. For instance, you can say "your behaviour right now is silly/selfish", which is different from telling the child, "you are silly/selfish". I'm reminded of the line from the film "Raising Helen": "By the way, you're not a bad person, but this is very bad behaviour".

The idea is that if a child is constantly told he/she is bad, stupid, selfish, silly, etc., he/she will eventually start to believe it. This can lead to the child acting out or not bothering to try new activities, based on a belief that he/she can't change. The idea is, "Well, if Mum says I'm bad/stupid/selfish/silly, I must be that way, and so it's okay for me to behave that way. I can't help it." If you identify that the behaviour is problematic, the child can change his/her behaviour.

Trauma physically changes you. You cant just decide to be de traumatised and unaffected.

You can develop coping strategies but scars never fully heal. They leave scar tissue it'll never be as before

Nothing to add to the above - Except: You all should be so proud of yourselves, whether you know it or not, you will change your families history of dysfunction for the better.

Let everything happen to you
Beauty and terror
Just keep going
No feeling is final

By the poet Ranier Marie Rilke.

There is no such thing as a perfect parent,we all muddle through to the best of our abilities.Sometimes it all goes well other times there are tears and tantrums .Different children react in different ways to similar situations.Add into the mix that many of us had parents who lived and fought through a war and had the scars ,mental and physical to show for it and we should perhaps be a bit more understanding before passing judgement .