AEC thread. Feel free to chat or add helpful resources here.

It’s the love that is being shared, not possession

Oh yes that makes sense Pantglas. I agree the more who love loved ones, the better

Wow this is getting so far beyond what was meant folks so here’s my take on sharing loved ones. It’s the love that is being shared, not possession! What a strange concept and one I’ve never come across before.

When people as me if I have a problem with my DD loving her stepmother, I always wonder why it would occur to them that I should. Surely the more people who love your loved ones the better?

"incapacity to share their loved"

That is an interesting phrase! Do we ever share another person who is a person in their own right? To share wouldnt we have to own, and we dont own anyone do we.

Apologies if that phrase has brought something back for you HolyHannah- I meant it in a wholesome way.

Pantglas2 -- Absolutely! And it is almost always the person that started with the "upper hand"/adult status first/the 'parent' that refuses to see the 'younger' (regardless of physical/mental age) as any kind of equal.

As for the line, "incapacity to share their loved ones"

As a child abuse victim, that line just makes me feel stuff I am not allowed to say...

I was watching a video recently- It was coverage of a demonstration in the southern part of the state I live in- It was embarrassing to view- People are so far removed from seeing each other as equals- The groups, the hierarchy within the groups, the followers, the leaders- And yet, all just people-

If people don't rub each other the wrong way they don't grow- But some use the rubbing as a reason to grow thicker skin, or harder heads and hearts, making it incredibly difficult for anything to sink in, to understand, to love-

FriendlyGhost

Yes Holyhannah there I believe it is so. When equals meet there is always a way to resolve an issue.

Please forgive me, these discussions move much faster than I am used to and I am trying to keep up without knowing people's individual situations.

The problem with your second sentence FriendlyGhost is that some people don’t accept others as their equals. That applies to parents, adult children, in-laws across the board and their incapacity to share their loved ones leads to estrangement.

FriendlyGhost -- It depends on the day how busy things are. My best advice is, move at your pace... I sometimes have to back away and reflect.

I gave a brief intro of myself to you on the thread you started...

rosecarmel -- It's the thing that makes my marriage strong. We totally 'see' each other and always have, probably another reason our families would hate seeing Us together. We're not in a grudge-match marriage like they are...

Often times bad guys are mental constructs, dependent upon preferences, ignorance, greed, prejudice, perception, determining another's intention .. etc ..

Being truly seen is rare-

Yes Holyhannah there I believe it is so. When equals meet there is always a way to resolve an issue.

Please forgive me, these discussions move much faster than I am used to and I am trying to keep up without knowing people's individual situations.

FriendlyGhost -- You said, "We have a fantastic relationship now. I did very little to achieve that really, just treated her as an equal."

It really is mostly that simple. It has been discussed by many EAC that feeling 'lesser' and how that translates to how our parents treat us, is a core issue.

What a lovely story FriendlyGost; thank you for sharing it.

Are you able to say which website you've been cut adrift from FriendlyGhost?

Chewbacca thank you for the welcome. I have been cut adrift from my regular website and was hoping to find a new place to pass the hours.

My daughter estranged at age 23, it wasn't until my own mother died I realised I was the cause and I had been a bullying and domineering mother to a young lady who had grown beyond smothering. I was supported through grief counselling after my own mother passed away. I was concerned that I wasn't expressing my grief but feeling relief instead. Understanding why helped in turn to undstand how I had pushed my own daughter away. I thought I had the right to hold opinions on her choices and shape her future. As she rebelled against me I thought that was justification to try to force her to my will more as a bady behaved child. We were incredibly close and I didn't let her go when I should.

I'm sad to say I bullied my daughter in many ways and continued to do so even though I knew she didn't like it. I thought I was doing the right thing.

We became reconsiled when I wrote her a letter letting her know that I understood why she did what she did and listed all the reasons why I knew I had bullied her. My daughter told me she almost threw it in the bin but something made her open it that day. Divine intervention perhaps.

We have a fantastic relationship now. I did very little to achieve that really, just treated her as an equal.

I hope you are well

Hello FriendlyGhost, so interesting to see a new perspective on estrangement here and if you're a new member, welcome!
Are you able to say what caused your estrangement with your daughter and what was the catalyst for your reconciliation? Was it a mutual working together or did you have intervention and support? You've come so far I'm sure many of us would find your advice vital on our own roads to recovery.

HolyHannah I absolutely agree with you. I am very thankful to my daughter for allowing me back into her life as an equal as we should have always been. She is not my child to mould into my image of her. She is her own autonomous, strong and capable adult who I admire greatly.

TBF I've never seen anyone claim that an AC who walks away from a bullying parent is abusing their parent for doing so. FriendlyGhost is the first P I've seen who has said that the bullying treatment of their AC resulted in their estrangement.

It's understandable that her D walked away and good to know that they have now reconciled.

FriendlyGhost -- I thinks that's one of the biggest parts of estrangement.

EAC don't see the issue as that complex at all.

EP's/EGP's tend to think what EAC want/expect from the relationship are 'unmanageable standards' like expecting/wanting to be treated as an equal. Not being subjected to double standards and the, "Don't do as I DO... Do as I SAY." attitude.

It IS basically bullying. They are the 'big kid' and "in charge" and regardless of how bad their behavior is, they are the BULLY (parent) and the child (victim) is powerless to stop the abuse/power imbalance.

There's really only a couple of ways to stop a bully... Become a bigger bully yourself (become abusive as well) and show THEM that YOU are "in charge" or You can walk away...

However, walking away from the bully/'parent' is also abuse (according to some) so how (when) does the victim win?

It's the playground argument of, "Why aren't you playing with xxxx?" Me -- "Because they're mean to Me." Reply -- "Well, xxxx is 'mean' to you because You don't want to play with them and that makes them feel bad." Me -- "Well, if THEY didn't make ME feel bad (didn't bully/abuse me) then I might want to 'play' with them."

Which came first? A problem with the relationship or the AC going No Contact?

Yes and as well as holding "ourselves to unmanageable standards" there's the danger of holding others to those unmanageable standards too, which can result in overly harsh judgement and condemnation of others, some we don't actually know because we 'meet' them on line.

Hello all. I had the intention of replying here to all the articles and things but I appear to have accidentally begun a seperate discussion. I think I know what I am doing now.

Those articles are absolutey intelligent and informative but they do rather seem to complicate the issue.

I understand that perhaps it is needed to understand the behaviour of others and thus understand ourselves but it's so easy to get lost in the details and perhaps hold ourselves to unmanageable standards as a result.

I hope you are all well

IMO it's the personal comments/insults that are the problem here Madgran.

You're not necessarily being disagreed with because for example you're an EAC, it's what you sometimes say that is being disagreed with. We have different perspectives especially when our estrangement is for different reasons.

I don't understand the necessity for all the posts we see here about narcissists. We know what narcissists are like. It comes across to me as if they're a veiled attempt to label some of the contributors to this thread as narcissists so it any wonder that people become defensive.

Too many personal comments about other GN's are made and too many judgemental remarks.

Some are being reasonable but also standing back and allowing it to happen.

Perhaps they just have a different perspective to you! We were having a perfectly reasonable discussion , which you I think agreed was perfectly reasonable. I am then confused by your next post, not sure if directed at me, you tell me it wasnt so ok. I come back several hours later to find the discussion has once again ended up in argument and personal comments, and stuff .... nothing really to comment on specifically from my perspective! Until the cars bit that rosecarmel introduced me to

Starblaze

Think I might unfollow my own thread.

In fact, I think it would be best for me to take a break from estrangement and possibly gransnet as a whole.

Some here are having a detrimental impact on my mental health and they are doing it on purpose.

Some are being reasonable but also standing back and allowing it to happen.

I can't understand or reason with people like that and there is some flaw in my personality that constantly wants to try and see the good in people that isn't there and give them chances they don't deserve. This causes me to waste time that is precious to me trying to make them understand.

That sort of thinking left me in an abusive relationship for half a life time.

I need to forget they exist for a while.

I will be back when I am strong enough to give zero craps about others bad behaviour.

To my friends here, I will check my inbox. Be amazing!

Please watch Troop Zero if you haven't already- It will break your heart wide open, make it whole and change your life-

The trailer even makes me cry!

m.youtube.com/watch?v=Gi4C6GncmQ4

I've never seen Jeopardy; don't think it's aired in the UK.

Think I might unfollow my own thread.

In fact, I think it would be best for me to take a break from estrangement and possibly gransnet as a whole.

Some here are having a detrimental impact on my mental health and they are doing it on purpose.

Some are being reasonable but also standing back and allowing it to happen.

I can't understand or reason with people like that and there is some flaw in my personality that constantly wants to try and see the good in people that isn't there and give them chances they don't deserve. This causes me to waste time that is precious to me trying to make them understand.

That sort of thinking left me in an abusive relationship for half a life time.

I need to forget they exist for a while.

I will be back when I am strong enough to give zero craps about others bad behaviour.

To my friends here, I will check my inbox. Be amazing!