Support for all who are living with estrangement

Just had a beautiful bouquet of flowers delivered from Mr. S. for our 39th wedding anniversary.

When I think of all that we've been through over the years I can see that we've been married this long, but in other ways it seems like only yesterday.

It's good that your DH has spoken to your D Dolcelatte and I understand you not being ready to do so right now.

It's understandable that your heart is all over the place, joy at knowing you have a GD and as hugshelp has said perhaps pain and bewilderment too.

You need time to process this news and sending a positive message in the meantime is a good start. xx

Oh goodness Dolcelatte - wonderful news but also what a shock. I think assuming she wasn't ready but is now is all you can do, and that's a good thing, though I guess there must be pain and bewilderment in there too. xxx

Thank you for your replies. I am still trying to process this information. My head tells me that it is a positive step forward but, as you can imagine, my heart is all over the place. DH has had a conversation, said how pleased we are, a lovely baby etc. I intend to send a positive message but I am not ready to speak right now. I don't want to mess it up, I want to move forward, I am genuinely very happy for them, but wary of being hurt again.

I think it would be sensible not to make statements like that at all at this point. It may very well have a negative impact on Dolcelatte and how whe reacts to this. I agree agnurse, it may be exactly as you say. The same way if I were to start a new relationship, I wouldn't introduce a new partner to my children until I was sure it was a good healthy relationship. Slightly different scenario. Perhaps the daughter wanted to protect the Dolce too by not dangling a carrot and saying "you have a granddaughter, but you can't meet her yet".

Obviously all conjecture until the real story evolves, but forcing that it this point may cause a lot of damage

I wouldn't suggest that Dolcelatte's daughter was playing a mind game. It's possible.

It is also possible that she didn't want to involve her daughter until she was sure that a more permanent reconciliation was possible.

Awww I can understand why a 9 or 10 year old would have found it frightening, back in the day but maybe not so much now love0c.

I used to be frightened of Dr. Who.

Smileless2012 Just back from a little break away. So sorry you had a crap day yesterday. I hate crap days!!! You just hope it is only one and not more!!!!! Gosh I do remember Zulu. I was in Scarborough with my mum and dad. Dad took us to see it one evening. I was only about 9 or 10. I was quite frightened so my mum had to bring me out! ha ha. Memories eh.

Hope you're OK Dolcelatte, can you remind me how long it is since you reconciled with your D? Just trying to make sense of this.

Smile, forgive me, but I can read. I don't know that the how's and whys really matter right now, maybe they will appear in time. The important thing is the relationship is getting back on track and this is a shock and sometimes it's hard not to say exactly what we are thinking when we are shocked and so keeping it light and positive is probably the best way forward.

The problem is LostChild Dolcelatte was previously led to believe that she and her D had reconciled, they were no longer apart, so why wait until her GD is 14 months old before letting her know she even exists.

goodness I'm not sure TBH, how about she's beautiful. I was going to also suggest you ask when she was born so you'll know when her next birthday is, but could that be too much? What do others think?

I'm so sorry Dolcelatte that must have been a shock. Why oh why do they have to keep playing these twisted mind games.

Dolcelatte. She is beautiful and you can't wait to meet her or something along those lines. If your daughter felt it best to wait for her to know you while you were apart, telling you now is a huge step in the right direction, it shows that trust is building again. Keep things positive and you will be OK.

I have just received a letter from my daughter, to whom I believed I was reconciled, saying she has a daughter aged 14 months. I have never seen her or known that she existed before today. They sent photos. I just can't get head round it. How do I reply?

Thanks Dolcelatte and Irish. Actually the film wasn't too bad, couldn't believe that a) I'd never seen it before and b) the Zulu's were referred too as 'fuzzy wuzzies'.

A sign of the times I suppose and thank goodness times have changed.

The sun is shining and today is another day.

Smileless .x.?

I also love Zulu smileless2012 - being Welsh and hearing Men of Harlech sung as a battle cry makes me wet eyed every time! Have a better day today x

Funnily enough, my DH loves Zulu too . Wishing you a better day today Smileless

hugshelp .

Sorry you've had a crap day smileless - hope tomorrow is better. Too tired to fully take in a lot of stuff on the thread atm but wishing you all better days to come too.

Have had a crap day today what with one thing and another so suggested Mr. S. select a DVD for a bit of light relief. He chose Zulu.

Just notices there are a lot of topless women; light relief for him anyway.

Hi Madgran, you're right and I apologize.. a better way to frame my statement would have been:

Sorry, we again will have to agree to disagree if you believe as others have stated that any benefit would come from my child being around my mentally ill, violent, abusive parents.. and it will not happen.

So again, my apologies - others here have attempted to shame me here on the forum by making comments that folks like me should be reported to social services.

What they all refuse to answer is:

Should my daughter's school principal & on-site police also be reported to social services, since she/they agree with me and have instructed to local on-property law enforcement as well as all teachers and school personnel in contact with my daughter to also watch for the GPs trespass and charge them legally with stalking and trespassing on private property after being given cease & desist/keep away orders.

Deafening Silence.. Not one answer..

You see, the fact is that attempts to shame are almost always based on a narcissist's attempt to remove opposition without having to answer a challenge. "You are bad and should be reported to social services" gives narcissist the fuel they crave to control the conversation without merit, based on - I'm bad and do not qualify in standing because I should be reported to social services, which is 100% pure dung-mouth, straw-man deflection conversation.

So, Bad, mean people are in the world. They intend to harm children. It's true, believe it or not.

Sometimes they are adult children. Sometimes they are grandparents. Sometimes they are strangers.

In no case, a parent warning their child to keep away from any bad, mean people who have admitted to intentionally desiring to cause harm to a child, whomever they are, causes harm to the child. It is protection, not damage.

Queue the shamers and haters.......

It's wrong IMO that your parents continue to ask for contact Ou when you've made it plain that this is not what you want.

It isn't fair to you and it's preventing them from accepting the situation and being able to move on with their own lives, as well as not allowing you to move on with yours.

As you say LostChild for those who have been estranged and those who have estranged themselves, there does come a point where the risk of reconciliation is too great, and the fear of being hurt again makes reconciling an unobtainable goal.

In 3 months time we will have been estranged from our son and only GC for 7 years. It's taken so long for us to rebuild our lives that as much as we love him, and we do, we accept that we are at the point of no return.

It's better for us this way and probably better for him too.

Twenty Twenty Sorry, we again will have to agree to disagree that any benefit would come from my child being around my mentally ill, violent, abusive parents.. and it will not happen.

I have never suggested at any time that your children would benefit from being around your parents. I dont know if any other poster has, but if they have I can only assume that you are confusing that poster'scomments with mine!

Also there are more than one scenario. Parent is abusive. Child is abusive. Both are abusive. One reacts badly to the others behaviour (which I have been guilty of on occasion). Etc