Support for all who are living with estrangement

Communication is no good if one party thinks they've done no wrong and NC usually comes because the other party has either had enough of trying to communicate only to be told they are wrong or they've just had enough and walk away. There is nothing wrong with just walking away, you wouldn't expect someone to stay in contact with another person if they treated them poorly. People grow out of very close friendships and they are not expected to stay in contact with them yet because it's family it's expected.

Those that continue to encourage and support no contact do NOT do the most damage, they are the people who sit and listen, pick up the pieces and make the world look a bit better, who offer/suggest options and choices. The ones that do the most damage are the ones who have to always be right, who think they know best, don't listen or are just plain abusive.
sometimes walking away is the best option for that person.

If you're prepared to force communication with your adult children, you're telling them that they do not have the right to decide not to have a relationship with you.

You're saying that you are still their superior. You're treating them as little children.

Frankly, I can see why those parents would be estranged. Trying to force communication is digging your own grave.

You too, Granniesunite.

I wish you well twenty.

I agree Granniesunite. I tried the 3rd party option and it was rejected, so I'm just focusing on being happy with my family now.

Correct, OutsideDave.

I've mentioned it before, but again, opposing truths lead to most family estrangements..

A major reoccurring theme (not in every case) is that we as parents all experience some level of 'empty nest syndrome'. We also, as we raise our children have accepted a truth: that we are to care for, protect, correct, guide, etc etc our children. This however is a temporary truth, that remains a truth until our children are grown.

A replacement truth comes about, that the child is now an adult and we are not responsible for them, and we have no authority over them. They make their own decisions now, and we must respect them.

Some parents can't accept these opposing truths and do not know how to deal with them, and hang on to the former truth by default.. They can't accept the nest is empty, they cant accept they have no authority, and division starts between the two families.

For those that wish to continue parenting their child as they always have, will not be satisfied and not be agreeable to anything other than what they have trained themselves to do for the 18ish yrs of raising their child. They are now hurt, often get depressed and in even some extreme cases end their life.

These parents see forceful control as they always have - in the best interest of the child - and they just cant stop doing it - even though the child is an adult now.

Communication twenty. It’s the only way forward. Perhaps with a third party to help keep it all on tract. If folks really want to heal they’ll do whatever it takes. I don’t know your story though only you and your parents know what gone wrong.

So, Granniesunite..

What could we do to get my mom to reverse course and agree to contact us? It's been 2 years that I have been robbed of having the guidance of my parents, and the relationship with their GC. How can we get them to stop NC and start behaving like you believe GPs should??

How could a GP be so selfish that they choose NC over their own GC?

Tell me that for starters.

You're right! There is an epidemic!

Hi. This is my first time posting. I’ve been on gransnet for a while just reading and getting comfort from some of the very understanding folks on here. It’s true to say that we all have a very different story to tell re our hurt at not having contact with a loved one. And some have also been hurt by the very people that should have protected them. All this pain and anger. It’s soul destroying. And it’s becoming an epidemic. That scares me. Until the anger dies away nothing can be resolved and nothing can be healed. But lives are lost because of it and souls destroyed so those that continue to encourage and support no contact do the most damage.

But that is the mindset running the show here isnt it Twenty?? Folks who think that estrangement is best solved via court order and forced compliance. And yet the reasons why their children have estranged from them is SUCH a mystery ???

Forces abortions... sorry for typo

Following a communist regime that forces anortiins and is in a continuous state of revolt where the folks seeking freedom are arrested or executed.

Not only nasty, but narcissistic.

I think you will find there are things worse than estrangement, being pushed up against a wall and being hel by your throat by your father for being late home. Being called a slut for being home for tea later by your mother. Very small criticism of the way you live your life, nothing big on a one off but put them all together and it wears you down so why should I bother to explain to the people that did this why I'd go NC.
I think personally it's nasty to force someone to have to reply to you which is what the Chinese rule is. That to me is really controlling.

As nothing Ou812, compared to the nastiness of estrangement.

Nasty in what way Ou? The silence is deafening and how can parents of estranging AC possibly find out what the problem is and how to fix it if there is no communication?

Perfectly good parents who would like to form a pressure group so adult children HAVE to reply to their parents text messages. Joking or not that post and the one below seem plain nasty to me.

That made me smile too ReadyMeals, the look of horror on our ES's face if he had to respond. The thought of the look on his wife's face made me laugh out loud.

Anyway one thing this thread (and now the new forum section) is very good for is learning just how many perfectly good parents are going through this ridiculous scenario and realising that it's pretty much random bad luck and not something we've got horribly wrong.

I was thinking of something that made me smile while catching up with this thread. In China, isn't it a rule that children are not actually allowed to abandon their parents? Why don't we all get together and form a pressure group to get the law changed here too? I'd love to think of the horror on my son's face as he realises he has to actually reply to a text from me!

Goodmama, plenty of us have been “good mother’s, yet still found ourselves estranged. Don’t be too complacent, it can happen to any parent!

@Orange. I am very sorry to hear about your position, so very sad. However, your son is very young still and there is every chance that he will change as he matures. I have just come out of a two year semi-estrangement from my DD so I know just how painful it can be, but she has matured with age - she was a similar age to your DS when it happened - and we are (almost) back on track now.

So hang on in there, but don't chase, let them come to you, which I believe they will. The same with your DD - just give it time. Is there anything else going on in her life to make her behave like this? What was your relationship with them both like before?

If your DS and DD have busy lives, they may not remember you as often as they should do, but it doesn't mean that they don't love you.

Orangeandgold. I do not judge you at all, I feel compassion for you. I'm in a similar situation with my D, she lives about twenty minutes away, but we hardly see her or our darling GC. Last week I broke a few toes, I messaged her. I got one reply but nothing in it expressing any love. Since then nothing. I have reached the conclusion that she's not bothered about us, it's me that does all the contacting. We see our GC prop about five times a year. They are aged 11 and 9 years, in all that time we've looked after then three times fir a few hours only. We have never been mean with any of them, we have offered to help over and over again. Like you I'm not contacting my D until I see more of an effort from her. That's because I think her actions speak louder than any words.
Like you I am tired of being neglected, of trying to work out just what it is we have done wrong. Tired of putting on a brave face to friends. I feel writing it down helps, and serves as a stark reminder to me thar my own D isn't interested in us, our lives, our friends.

Hello, I would like to join you please. This is the first time I have posted on GN. I have spent a long time reading the different threads on estrangement and they have been very helpful to read. Thankyou.

I’m writing because I feel I need support during the estrangement of both my AC.
My ES lives abroad and hardly ever got in contact or responded to my messages. The last time I saw him, I pulled him up for talking badly to me in public. But we left giving eachother hugs and saying loving things too. Since, he continued to not make any efforts to get in contact- even to say thankyou for birthday gifts. I got sick of it always being me to contact him and fed up of, what feels to me as, his lack of consideration. So, now, since I’ve stopped contacting him, we’ve become NC. I’m very sad over this. Though he’s in his early 20s and I am hoping that it won’t be for ever.

Recently I have also put emotional distance between my D and myself. In her late 20s, her tendency to self-centredness seems to have increased to a point where she seems to only be able to see things from her own perspective and tells me that my point of view is anyone of the following- stupid/ unimportant/ not true.
Our recent discussions have become so difficult. Either I listened to her constantly and totally validated her thoughts and feelings or, if I said how I thought or felt on issues concerning myself, I needed to prepare to be talked, shouted or laughed down. After I repeatedly refused to accept her attitude towards me, we have also become NC. I am very sad about this too.

I am worried about both of them. I love them very much and I’m so sad that this has happened with them. But I’m sick of taking their bad behaviour towards me. And, although I hurt not having contact with them, I have other things to do with my life than just being there for them as a doormat.

I’m a bit shocked at what I have written and I hope that I won’t be judged badly here for what I’ve said.

Pantglas it's good for us to know that reconciliation is possible for some.

Oh hugshelp as if you haven't got enough to contend with without having to cope with your son's estrangement.

for you and your brave daughter x

What lovely posts both smileless and Pantglas1 - thank you.
I know what you mean about not daring to plan smileless As well as the estrangement I have been hit by a serious accident which has cost me much of my sight and left me with other disabilities, and also have longer term health issues. I also watched my daughter go from a fit young woman who was headed to university to a house-bound disabled invalid. She's slowly, slowly improving which is wonderful, but all her dreams were stolen. And the man she went to live with found he couldn't cope with her disabilities and broke her heart. She has a new partner now. It's too early to say what will happen but she's smiling now and I'm treasuring every moment of that. I really do only live for the day. I can't do anything else.
But you give me a glimmer of hope Pantglas1. Thank you.

How lovely Smileless2012 that you are able to enjoy so much in your life in spite of the estrangement.

I too was estranged for a similar time and I’ve posted on threads about the reconciliation also but I don’t forget that others are still going through it as well as others starting on that horrendous journey involuntarily.

I do still keep an eye out for you all and hope that eventually things start to improve even if it is in micro steps!