Declining Student Resilience: A Serious Problem for Colleges

I think they just don't get a chance. We had to go abroad and DS. had to get himself off to Uni . Friends took him in their car, treated him to pizza and left him.
I cried of course many miles away but after three months he was completely in control of his life and his finances. He knew that we could not come and help him so he coped! Its as simple as that.

I agree about needy parents.
A thread in itself.
Start one Alea?

Someone may have said this already, but I think it is needy parents who are the problem, the "helicopter parents" who relive their youth by sitting on their student offspring's shoulder at Open Days, settling in, Freshers' Week, first week of lectures, forever descending on them at weekends, skyping them at every moment etc I remember somebody on GN who either said she did this or recommended leaving the laptop on for all-day continuous skyping because she missed her DC so much when he/she went off to college.
Let them grow up, teach them to be independent, NOT to need you (hard!).
Another anecdote I heard recently was about a Mum who cooks all the meals for her son and DIL and takes the food round for them to microwave " because DIL is pregnant" , not suffering from pre eclampsia or ill, just pregnant. And not just the odd casserole or cake, all their meals.

Of course I snivelled all the way home after we took each DD in turn to university, but they went off happy and ready for independence.

Re your OP, I do wonder why parents are not doing enough to prepare children for the society they must live in.

You've never heard a parent blame something on an undiagnosed condition?

'Oh, he's hyperactive'

'He's must be somewhere in the autistic spectrum'

'He's so clumsy I think he's dyspraxic'

'He can't spell I think he's dyslexic'

Used to get this all the time when I was teaching. Still hear it from parents these days. In fact BES has just said as much in her post. Often it's phrased as a question 'he's so clumsy, do you think he's....'

I think you've misunderstood my post. I am talking about children who have not been professionally diagnosed just given a possible label by parents.

Anyway this is all getting away from the OP, even if an interesting diversion.

I heard that too Gracesgran.
I think another factor which was mentioned was the system in which funding follows the students so that if students drop out the college loses money. Perhaps this makes them more likely to provide counselling and pastoral care in an attempt to retain students who might simply have made a bad choice of course and might have been better off dropping out and starting afresh.

There was something about this on the radio this morning and the women being interviewed was saying that many of these young people are coming into university with tremendous pressures to succeed because of the debt they will have. I am not sure that this is a cause but it may add to how they deal with things.

I have never come across this Anya. Each time we asked for help for my daughter, who is dyslexic, she needed to have a recent report to access it. In fact, age 43, she is about to do a part-time masters (while teaching for three days a week and helping to run their business) and has had to have an up to date report. The scores on all her tests were exactly the same as they were when she was 9 as far as I can see although her coping skills have grown immensely. This will now give her access to help such as reading software (she reads at about half the speed of an average adult), etc.

But it isn't our children's generation they are talking about - unless you're a very young granny is it? It's those currently going to university - the generation after.

But (and please don't take this the wring way BESusan) but there are too many excuses made these days such as 'dyspraxia' without these conditions being professionally diagnosed.

A good example of this is one of DD's friends whose eldest son has 'autism' - her diagnosis. She refuses to have a referral or official diagnosis. But every incidence of bad behaviour is put down to this condition. Now, her second son, at age 6 is developing this condition too, according to her!

perhaps the one who could not tie shoe laces is dyspraxic. (but yes to velcro shoes or slip ons.. )

I hope that they will both eventually be independent... anyway, I certainly will have developed resilience trying to develop it in them..

Yes I agree Iam64.
My DD2 in particular is expert at operating on a 'need to know' basis, not telling us anything, and sorting her problems out for herself.
Though I suppose it's 12 years since she left university and maybe things have changed since then.

I'm probably off on a Pollyanna jolly, again, but the young folks in my family and friendship circle just aren't as described here. Well, the are so far as hugging and weeping as terribull describes, they seem to express and manage their emotions pretty well, most of the time. They also seem to support each other through go thick n thin, and challenge each other's excesses where necessary. All generations seem to find a way to muddle through life's challenges and many older people love to criticis the youth of today. ??

Slightly off topic.
When DD moved from being 15 mins down the road to Edinburgh. My friend asked how I was coping, and regularly asked how she was doing and what she was up too. When one day I told her I hadn't spoken to her for 10 days, and didn't know what she was up too. Her reaction was "Oh, I couldn't go 10 days without speaking to 'C' " our DD's are both 27. I know this is true as they text each other once or twice a day when either of them is on holiday. I'm happy that I raised an independent self sufficient person.

I have to admit monica that I used up an entire box of Kleenex on the way home after we dropped DS off in Malvern where he was to spend a year before going to university. It was too far to come home for a weekend and I knew in my heart he would never live at home again, so for me it was a wrench.
He didn't know that though!
And I was working full time and just got in with it, but I missed him terribly.

PRINTMISS your comment made me laugh "coming home to an empty house, rather unpleasant - that's life and the cat's just died, double tragedy" but sad too if you love cats

I rather feel that today's children are rather over-protected, although that was true of me also, but for an entirely different matter. There is a life out there, and children/young adults should really be encouraged to face it. Our two grand-children have been over-indulged in many ways, but our grand-son has made a good life at uni, and manages everything on his own, has done from the start. Our grand-daughter rather more over-indulged by a lovely dad, would have found life at uni almost impossible, but has a job and pays her way in every respect. (Unfortunately, since her dad has found a job which he now has to go out to do, she finds coming home to an empty house rather unpleasant - that's life - and the cat's just died, double tragedy).

Get some velcro shoes!

Did anyone notice the line in this article that stated on male student "didn't even know how to tie his shoe laces"
The image of an 18 yr olds mummy tying his laces is quiet frightening.

My DGD1, who graduated two years ago, has worked since the age of 13 when she took up a paper round and eventually on the counter of the paper shop, continuing through her uni career, also working in a takeaway. During the holidays she did house maintenance for her landlord, cleaning up after filthy tenants (students) and decorating. Unable to get a job that suited her qualification, she has done bar work and cleaning until recently when (hallelujah!) she has found the job she was looking for. She is far more resilient than I was almost 60 years ago when, after a sheltered life, I entered university as - I must admit - rather an over-privileged student and young for my age! Not that I was homesick. St Andrews was very familiar to me and I'd always intended to go there.

I went to Uni in the 60s and there were plenty of problems then, but those with problems were braced rather than comforted. My BF caught the bus, to travel 30 miles home at least once a week because she was home sick. When she got home her father turned her right round and put her on the next bus back. She settled and really enjoyed her university years and says her father did exactly the right thing.

I think the number of mothers devastated by empty nest syndrome indicates, perhaps, parents who have run their lives round their children and built up a co-dependence that neither of them quite realise. I missed my two when they left. The house was quieter, only two for meals, less cleaning, less tidying up and washing. I was delighted when they came home, but I never felt the devastation that so many mothers, in particular claim they feel when the children leave home. I always had my own independent activities, a career I enjoyed and shared interests with DH so the children leaving home did not devastate me - and they both settled into uni quickly without home sickness.

I think the issue is really about emotional resilience. I had the same issue with student and newly qualified nurses. We found what they really needed to help them build up some inner reserves was solid mentoring and leadership at all levels. Easy to say not easy to do and very labour intensive.

Too many little princes and princess being reared these days IMO. My own children had paper rounds, Saturday jobs, and worked on local farms during Uni days if they needed extra money.

DD did a year as an au pair in France between 'A' Levels and University.

It certainly taught them to look after themselves, toughen up and the value of money.

I love my oldest GS but he is a wimp and I dread to think how he'll cope with life.

Long ago, the uni., all femail hall of residence (!) I was in, did not let anyone home for the first term!!

I don't know how they imposed this, but itmeant that everyone had to tough out any homesickness.

Several years ago our elder DS came home from uni for a week end, in the first term, and said he was not going back. His personal tutor just said, it was up to him.

We said fine, but on Monday he had to get a job and pay us back all the fees and up front money we had spent.

He was on the Sunday 4 pm train and never looked back!

Tough love works, sometimes.

x

It's the result of years of never letting children fail at anything, of heaping praise on their every effort, however meagre.
I remember being appalled when my own children's junior school, over 30 years ago, had a new head teacher who completely changed the face of the annual school sports day. Everyone was a winner. The children ran in races but the child who came first received no accolade, because the head had decreed that those who didn't come first must not be made to feel a failure. So many children these days expect success, almost as a right, and have no idea how to deal with failure.
Combine this with the overly protective style of parenting that seems to have taken hold in recent years and it's little wonder that 18 year olds are unable to deal with everyday situations and stresses that they've always been shielded from.

Universities are in a difficult situation - they have to avoid self-harm and suicide, but they also have to provide a proper education.

I do think that our school system with its emphasis on SATs and levels does not help students. They are put under such pressure even from a very early age. But there is a paradox here - they are expected to attain these levels (even if they have SEN), but teachers are also supposed to teach positively and non-competitively.

Children do need to learn how to deal with failure of various sorts, but they also need the freedom to be children. They only get one crack at it and we should not strip them of this precious time with too much in the way of SATs etc.

My personal view is that children do not do enough for themselves and have few duties or responsibilities at home any more. Washing up, feeding a pet, laying the table etc. - there is a tendency to feel they have to be entertained all the time, which leaves them unprepared for real life.

I know that some schools are taking on the task of teaching children mindfulness or relaxation to give them the tools to face stressful times, but in some places this has not gone down well with the fundamentalist christian parents who see it as coming from another religious culture - don't get me started on that one!