Care to share a bit of humour?

I've been arrested for money laundering.

I tried to tell the officer I'd also washed all the groceries as well as the change but he didn't believe me.

In surgery after a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God and asks, ‘Am I about to die?’
God says, ‘No. You have another 20 years yet.’
With this assurance, she decides, once she’s recovered to make a few changes.

She gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants and Botox.
Feeling like a million dollars she sets out to buy herself a whole new wardrobe. As she walks towards the taxi rank with her parcels, a cab pulls out and knocks her down.

In Heaven she faces God. ‘You said I had 20 years, how come I’m dead?’

God shrugs. “I didn’t recognize you.”

I saw this on Facebook (Covid-19 humor)

Just for fun, after 30 days, everyone post a pic of your moustache.

Get your husbands to join in too.?

Why don't ants get ill?

Because they have little anty bodies.

Barry Cryer's daily joke!

The great Barry Cryer is telling a daily joke to Oldie readers:

A group of British tourists are flying home on a plane chartered by the government.
The pilot's voice comes over the intercom, saying, "We're flying at 35,000 feet. Visibility is good. The weather in London is fine and clear, at 15 degrees Centigrade... Oh, and by the way, I'm working from home."

Q. What's small and green and comes out of the ground at 100 mph?
A. An austin healy sprout. Boom boom.
Theres another from my youth about an e-type carrot.

Just seen someone jogging outside and it really inspired me to get up and close the curtains.

I've just had a leaflet put through my door to say that I can have sex at 84
I'm over the moon as I live at 72 so it's not too far to walk home afterwards ?

This explains a lot.

I'm sorry I don't know how to send pictures but here's one I saw on FB, I think you can get the gist of it.

Imagine a photo of the late Bruce Forsyth with a big smile, it reads, "Nice two metres, two metres nice!"

The latest 'Oldie' arrived this morning. Am saving it as a treat for tomorrow as I know I'll not be able to put it down once I start.

I'm so posh that I only knew about goose down!
Jane My word! You are posh!
Pity you couldn't visit your posh hotel in the Big Smoke! because of Covid19, but note , according to the "Oldie" newsletter, that the next two lunches have also been cancelled, so you're not alone!
Good Health!

MawB - just saw your reply. I get it now. It's just that I'm so posh that I only knew about goose down!

It may not be funny to some but I have read, in the past, the thinly veiled (haha) racist criticism about women who wear Burqua/Burka - and now it seems they're the only sensible ones and we are trying to find ways of doing exactly the same.

Mattjo It may hearten you to know I got all 3 of your jokes.

A travel agent saw an elderly couple looking wistfully at the poster of a world cruise in his window.

His profits were well up that year and he was feeling altruistic, so he rushed out and said, 'It's your lucky day, you've just won that world cruise. You'll have the honeymoon suite, the best foods en route - a limo for touring in port, unlimited spending money - everything your hearts desire.'

Six months later the old lady came back into the shop looking very chipper.
'Did you enjoy your cruise?' the agent asked.

'I certainly did,' the lady replied, 'but who was that old bloke you made me go with?'

What goes along underwater at 80mph?

A motor pike.

What’s green and hairy and goes up and down?
A gooseberry in a lift.

What’s black and dangerous?
Crow with a machine gun.

Sorry for those jokes, my kids favourites from the 80’s.

Oh dear Jane10

Duck down?
????

Sorry Rufus2 I don't get it?!

Here's one suitable for a friendly, gentle thread:
"Jimmy had gone for an elephant ride in the zoo, but halfway through the ride the elephant handler was called away. Feeling pretty confident, Jimmy kept guiding the elephant on his own. It was great fun until it came time to go home and he realised he didn't know the command to make the elephant kneel so he could get off.
"Hey" he shouted to anyone who would listen. "how do you get down from an elephant?
"Well you don't, silly" a little girl replied "Every one knows you get down from a duck."

^
once knew a man with no shins...^
Oh come on, Elegran! You've had a fortnight and is that all you can come up with?
You can do better than that!
OoRoo

This!

I once knew a man with no shins, Rufus He didn't stay around long - he was footloose and fancy free.

I'm sending my DSs a joke a day and have used some of these. There was another thread with jokes called "Make me laugh" or something, but I can't find it under "Chat" or "Coronavirus" or "Ask A Gran" or anywhere else. Can someone remember where it was and post a link please?

As I'm posting here, I'd better put a joke in myself:

I was so bored yeterday with this lockdown that I started memorising the dictionary. I learned next to nothing.

Daddima

Nice to see you posting, by the way.