Cancelled Christmas?

I am so sorry for your loss. It must be so difficult for you. Your son, I feel, is dealing with his grief in a way he feels is best for him at the moment.
Of course, your sister will be grieving, too, having also lost her Dad and also feeling saddened that your and her Mum now needs to be in a nursing home. She will, probably, be also be grieving the loss of a loved brother in law? Inviting you to be with her for Christmas will be a comfort to her as well as it has been to you, I imagine. I certainly do not think she will be seeing you as a burden.
Would she feel hurt if you suddenly said you wouldn’t be coming to have lunch this Christmas? Have you been close as siblings? If you are close, then she most definitely won’t be inviting you out of pity, but out of love and probably also out of a need to have you close.
Could you have a sit down with your sister and open up to her about how you are feeling? She might welcome the opportunity to share joint feelings of grief, and the discussion might well benefit both of you. 💐

Has anyone been bereaved and what did you/do you do?

I was widowed 20 years ago. DH and I always either spent the day at home together, doing the family visiting between Boxing Day and New Year - or sometimes we went away so visited after New Year.

First Christmas on my own, I booked a walking holiday overseas. I enjoyed it so much that I did the same for many years. Twenty years older now and having lost my wanderlust, I am happy to spend Christmas Day at home alone. I politely decline kind invitations because Christmas has always been a quiet time for me. I don’t dislike it but I don’t like the commercialism and the noise.

Life brings changes and challenges that we have to adapt to. That was just my way of dealing with it.

I was just about to post when I saw M0nica's. Don't knock back an invitation because you assume it's done out of pity. I only decline as other people's Christmases tend to be noisy with over-excited and fractious children, someone's mother or father worse for alcohol and being offensive. Also as a lifelong non-meat eater, I grew tired of having to explain why I don't want to eat turkey. Go on, have a slice, it won't hurt. is upsetting.

Of course your siste doesn't invite you around out of pity. She does what most families do and that is look after each other and care for each other based on a lifetime of knowing and loving each other. They hate the idea that a member of their family should be on their own when they are having such an enjoyable time and immediately invite them to join them and join their celebration of Christmas.

Over the years I have invited a number of friends to join me for Christmas when it looked as if they would be alone. Pity did not come into it. I liked them, enjoyed their company and they enhanced our Christmas. that is how you should see your sister's invite.

I am sorry for your two losses so close together, and your DM being so unwell and in a care home recently. My advice would be to do whatever seems best for YOU, and hopefully in a short while things will be more appealing.

I am sure your sister and her family will welcome you and not see you as a burden at all - and she might construe your declining her invitation as meaning you don't want to share Christmas with her and her family, especially if you are spending it alone instead.

As you say, your DS is dealing with it all in his own way, and will likely feel differently in due course. Indeed, it might help him to see that you are coping a little better and actually looking forward to Christmas with your sister and family. After all, life does go on and (as you say) I'm sure that neither your DS or your DH would want you to be miserable for ever more - even if you're not quite there yet.

20-something men aren't always proactive with birthdays and Mothers Days and maybe he is not yet wanting to "do" family-type things yet without his DD around now.

No, I haven't been recently bereaved, so I might not be the best person to listen to, but I would hope that the adage "time is a great healer" is true.

It sounds as if your son is dealing with bereavement in his own way. Why not pop in and see your mum on Christmas Day for a short time, take a little present, then go to your sister's with your gifts and stay a little while, then go home and treat yourself to a lovely dinner of your choice, choose some programmes and enjoy the peace. Your son will see what you are doing, you will connect with your mum and sister, but you will also please yourself.