Grandparents giving Christmas presents

As Miss A says it’s about the new partner setting to rules. Ie coercion
Is your daughter changing in other ways is he controlling her in other ways
You mentioned him taking on much of the child care. Consider if he has a job

personally I'd be worried about your daughter's new partner being coercive and controlling.

Very much agree with rocketship. Five presents from grandparents is totally overwhelming, not only for the children but for the autistic parent. For an autist, the proliferation of new objects all at once is a nightmare and I can see that the new partner may well be trying to reduce the overwhelm and help your daughter to bring a little more structure and stability into her life and he can only do that if she controls what comes into the household. I can imagine that Christmas Day has always been a time of confusion and sensory overload for her but she may just have lacked the ability to make her own rules.
Of course you need to keep an eye on how the partnership develops but in doing so ask yourself one question - what is the new partner getting out of the relationship? It can be very difficult living with an autist so either he truly loves her or he is a control freak and sees her as easy pickings. I'm sure it's the former but of course you do need to watch that space.

Granarchist

5 presents???!!!!! Crikey!!!! We have only ever given 1 present to our children and now grandchildren - plus maybe a little something for the stocking. We now have family rule that anything for adults must either be food or drink or something specifically requested - and a £10 limit. Are we alone????

I agree that five presents could be overwhelming.

It's possible that this new fellow is not the issue at all, but has just given your daughter the courage to draw a line on a situation she has always been concerned about?

Just nicely ask your daughter what she would like you to get for your grand daughter, and follow her wishes.

Merry Christmas~~

Yes but the thread is about a new person on the scene dictating new "rules"
Not about who gives what.

Yes... Unless you have a big family I would say £20/30 as £10 really does not buy a lot these days..but to me it's not about the size of gift its the thought.

If you feel you want to give more, what about setting up a savings account for your grandchild with you as a guardian of the account?
Your daughter doesn’t need to know about it at the moment to keep the peace and it could be a nice little deposit for her first car/help her towards university expenses

My advice would be keep an eye on the new partner and check to see if your granddaughter is happy with him being around. Stick to there rules but monitor future actions.

Have You asked your daughter what the reason is that your present giving is being restricted? Maybe the couple aren't well off financially and feel that their lesser present giving will look mean compared to yours, Maybe they think that the child is becoming greedy and spoilt, Or some other reason which could be discussed with you. The love that you show to your granchild is the biggest gift that you can give, How's about donating a gift to children in need?

Yes, Christmas is the least of your worries here. This man sounds very controlling and I have no idea what you can do about that. I have an adult autistic son who luckily shows no interest in romantic relationships. He had a crush on a girl in college and went to pieces when she started dating someone. I just know he would be vulnerable in any relationship. My heart goes out to you.

crazyH

I am very generous with my family - no point in hanging on to our money at our age. Giving gives me pleasure,

Me too.

We are generous when it’s not Christmas too as my daughter has a controlling ex husband who refuses to contribute to so many things the children need, but he regards giving money as giving it to our daughter, not to the children for essentials.

That’s why you need to be very aware of a controlling partner. and this one sounds very controlling. It’s really not his business how many presents you give to your grandchildren, but he is making it his business.

I am very generous with my family - no point in hanging on to our money at our age. Giving gives me pleasure,

Granarchist

5 presents???!!!!! Crikey!!!! We have only ever given 1 present to our children and now grandchildren - plus maybe a little something for the stocking. We now have family rule that anything for adults must either be food or drink or something specifically requested - and a £10 limit. Are we alone????

I would hope so 😱

I took my GC to the toy shop and they already had a list but exceeded it. I’m fortunate enough not to have to be frugal but I know everything that was picked was appreciated and what they will treasure.
Personally I would be wary of a new partner laying down the law but that is up to your DD. I just hope she sees sense before this person domineers her life completely. In the mean time go with the flow as the saying goes for now.

Be very careful and aware of a new controlling partner. He is the problem.

Don't think this is about how many presents are bought. In your situation I would be more concerned at the new partner is laying the law down so quickly - it is not his child!! Hope he is not controlling your DD , she has autism so in your shoes I would watch this man very carefully!!??

This person isn't a parent, or even a long standing partner.

Five does seem a lot I agree. Best to ask the parents always I think.

Whilst keeping an eye on the situation in case your DD is being dominated by her new partner, I can completely understand that they don't want so many presents! My DIL and DS would go mad if I bought the kids 5 presents! Children get so much nowadays and it stops them from appreciating them (and the house gets overrun with rubbish!)

I'd ask your daughter what your granddaughter wants for Christmas, better one present that she's asked for than lots of smaller presents she may not really like.

I'd be very wary of a new person on the scene setting rules, which is what the thread's about.
Yes, me too, it sounds rather controlling.

Follow your DD's wishes because you want, need, to stay in contact for your granddaughter's sake.

Some people buy big presents, some small.

I'd be very wary of a new person on the scene setting rules, which is what the thread's about.

5 presents???!!!!! Crikey!!!! We have only ever given 1 present to our children and now grandchildren - plus maybe a little something for the stocking. We now have family rule that anything for adults must either be food or drink or something specifically requested - and a £10 limit. Are we alone????

Allsorts So blinking true!!!! Thank God I realised that before too late! Hence, my original reply.

Bute your tongue and comply, you might dislike him but at least you are involved. It is only with age that i finally learnt you can’t do anything through a closed door,

I am sure you are correct in hat you are saying. You will not be imagining it! However, at the moment just do as you are asked. Then you are not deciding/doing/making any decisions at this moment in time. I would strongly advise you against having any 'hasty talks'. See how things progress. The new partner may well calm down.