No help, no gift so we are skiing

At 18 I attended a sandwich course with alternate periods of employment and study. I had to save up half of my salary from my "working" periods in order to pay my mother the same money as when I was working full time. That was the only reason I was allowed to enrol on the course.

Her favorite mantra was "You cant keep a family on one man's wage".

This was back in the 1960s. In fact most of the money I gave my mother for my "keep" went straight onto my sisters back to provide her with crisp new school uniforms, My school uniforms had been from the second hand market and looked it. I worked part time in the local chip shop during my "study" periods for a bit of extra cash.

When I hear of adult children being allowed to doss about the home and pay nothing for their keep I think of how strict my parents were. I chose never to have children. If I had I would have brought them up "hard" and made them pay their way as I did.

When I finally left home age 22 I knew how to budget for all the basic expenses of living independently. I also remember the incredulous look on my mothers face when I told her I was moving out the following week. It was priceless!

I'm fascinated by this 'spending the kids' inheritance'. It's not their money, it's yours and you can spend the whole damn lot if you want to. You're under no obligation to keep it all safe for them!

£600 each for a Christmas present sounds like sheer over indulgence to me, but I was brought up in a relatively poor household where we had little to spare for indulgences. Old habits die hard...

If you say you’re not complaining and then make excuses for your childrens behaviour. What is the point in your post ?

letting off steam perhaps?

I don’t want to be unkind but you are doing them no favours. Sooner or later they will have to learn to be more independent. Giving them large sums of money for Christmas does not help. May I suggest you get them to pay some rent - it doesn’t have to be a lot and save it to give or buy them something with when they move into a new home. I did this with mine and my mum did it with me. It gives you a sense of independence and responsibility and pride that you are helping pay your way, and also respect which your two sadly seem to lack. I think you need to have a careful conversation.

My Mum took rent from me , her idea ! But I was happy to think I was helping her out
I earned under £35. I had to give her £10 , it was good training for me
I only found out years later that she had saved it and used it to pay for my wedding

ADHD is not an excuse for poor behaviour. I hope your son gets some help learning how to deal with what "triggers" him. It will make his own life pleasanter as well as the lives of those he lives with.

SecondhandRose Well done. Suggest the skiing holiday is over Christmas next year…..

All children and now grandchildren have been brought up always to help. Now teenagers all enjoy preparing first class desserts or starters for any family occasion.
One does super Sushi, rice and all trimmings.

Most of the comments on your post are very unhelpful and quite nasty. Your children are lazy and unhelpful and disrespectful. They are old enough to know better and to not have to be asked to help out. I don’t blame you, if you ask me £100 is too generous.

Good for you, they are taking you both for granted. As soon as I earned money when I lived at home, my mum took half of it and I'm glad she did as it learnt me how to manage money.

Good for you! Let's hope this will make them think how to treat others

Well done. Enjoy your holiday.

Katiecat13

SecondhandRose Well done. Suggest the skiing holiday is over Christmas next year…..

Will you be skiing, skiing?

Yes good on you
We felt the same this year Grandchild 25 years old and a Dad himself bought us nothing not even a card
We all went out boxing day for a meal
Take take take and I'm getting sick of it We give him, his partner and baby all Year his Partner never even turned up to the meal
So disrespectful but hey ho 2023 I am making big changes no more giving its finished

I would have given them a box of chocolates each, they sound very self centred and ungrateful..
Next year I’d book you and your husband a holiday away all over the Christmas and let them cook and clean up after themselves…

What are all your thoughts?
I have 3 x children , 2 Grandchildren
Daughter never invites us to her house all Year if we call unannounced she is hostile so we do not bother.
Grandson ( her boy) 25 years of age and a Dad himself never got us anything for Christmas not even a card
Grandaughter ( Daughters child ) age 8 years gave us a card. That's OK.
But all Year long we take Grandson out and baby give money pay for everything and no birthday cards or pressies , by the way he has a full time job . I am sick of it all now
I'm looking to change my will and 2023 making it all about me and hubby . What do you think ?

We still had three of our four adult children living at home some time ago. Our solution was to move house, to a distant city, so they had to take charge of their own lives (we did help them sort out places to live). It worked quite well, we've moved back to the area now and they're all established in their lives, though one only scrapes a living doing something he loves.
I told my children that we really didn't need them to give us presents but they all gave us something: bottle of wine, chocolates, a nice bag of coffee or a meal out.
Your daughter sounds a bit mean, I don't think I would have given her the money.

Perhaps try to give your son a specific job to do at Christmas- my grandson is autistic but with clear guidelines he can do all sorts of things very willingly. When my 3 children were growing up, I always gave them certain jobs on Christmas Day - same job each year, eg laying the table, stuffing the turkey, making pigs in blankets, doing the veg, etc etc- then afterwards everyone cleared stuff away. I know it’s too late to do that now perhaps but maybe not? If they are still at home. I’m afraid that unless they are very disabled , I would have insisted on help- actually they enjoyed doing something- especially as it was the same job each year - easy to remember 🤔😂😂Give it a go!! Good Luck xx

There seem to be a lot of quite serious issues in this family and we’ve only heard 25% of it …….

EMMYPEMMY

What are all your thoughts?
I have 3 x children , 2 Grandchildren
Daughter never invites us to her house all Year if we call unannounced she is hostile so we do not bother.
Grandson ( her boy) 25 years of age and a Dad himself never got us anything for Christmas not even a card
Grandaughter ( Daughters child ) age 8 years gave us a card. That's OK.
But all Year long we take Grandson out and baby give money pay for everything and no birthday cards or pressies , by the way he has a full time job . I am sick of it all now
I'm looking to change my will and 2023 making it all about me and hubby . What do you think ?

Honestly if my children did this I'd make sure there was nothing left for them to inherit - perhaps leave a sum of money to the GD who sends you a card?!

Katiecat13

SecondhandRose Well done. Suggest the skiing holiday is over Christmas next year…..

Ski-ing = Spending the Kids' Inheritance!

While I agree that adult children who are working full time should contribute to the family budget I am puzzled by references to my mother "took" £XX from me. That implies that the adult child is not in control of their own money but is still a dependent. Children will never learn to manage their finances unless there is some negotiation over the amount they put up for their "keep".

My mother never "took" anything from me. She received what I "gave" her when I was working. She never knew what I earned because I was paid by bank transfer and had all my correspondence sent to an accommodation address.

If this sounds harsh I had to hide my purse under my pillow otherwise money would disappear from it. I never found out whether it had been my mother or my sister who stole it. However it did profoundly affect my relationship to how much I was prepared to contribute to the family pot.

Love this. Enjoy your trip!

This was the 1st year in a long time that DH and myself had visitors for Christmas - this was for personal reasons due to bereavement. We then went full throttle and had 11 over 3 days. Unlike yourself everyone did help but I have to be honest to say it was absolute carnage and totally exhausting, despite preparing and planning this for months. Whilst we loved having everyone here we decided (as soon as the last visitor left) that we are going away, just the two of us, next Christmas . There is a hotel in Cornwall which is amazing (we stayed there once before but not at Christmas) and I am so looking forward to going back. DH moaned a little at my choice because it is a black tie dinner on Christmas day but the other two days are full of entertainment, food and drink (and golf thrown in for DH) I am already looking forward to it. If we could go skiing we would but unfortunately DH has had quite a few hip replacements so leaves us very wary of doing anything risky. I truly hope you go through with your plans and enjoy every minute