Mum won't come fir Christmas

If she doesn’t want to come then respect her wishes. It’s really her choice.

You can telephone your mother twice on Xmas day, and let her know it's normal for people not to want to travel, and stay in others' houses at Xmas or any other time.

I am 85 and my daughter wants me to go for Christmas. I am dithering about going. I am tired and have some mobility issues. I know I would be welcome but it would be a struggle. In my apartment I cope very well. If I go to her, I have stairs to climb, the shower is in the bath. It all feels too much. I hope you have a lovely Christmas whatever the decision made.

Witzend

My mother once decided at the last minute that she didn’t want to come for us for Christmas after all - preferred to stay quietly at home. I was going the 60 miles anyway, to pick up Dsis and niece, visiting from the US, so took her presents and some nice food.

Later the same evening (24th Dec) when everyone else was out, she phoned me, absolutely furious. What was she doing all on her own on Christmas Eve? I was a terrible daughter! - she was cutting me out of her will etc.

I offered to go and fetch her if she’d changed her mind - no she didn’t want that either. Bang.
I was in tears for ages.
In the morning I phoned her - she’d forgotten the whole thing!

That’s dementia for you.

We had this with my late mil who had dementia. Pre Christmas she insisted she and fil wanted to be at home on their own . On Christmas Day we had a ranting phone call about why they weren’t with us for Christmas. We went over on Boxing Day and she’d forgotten the phone call .

Was the GGD’s letter perhaps intended as additional pressure, moral blackmail?
Let Mum do what she likes. Travelling around Christmas can be fraught, housefuls of several generations, exhausting and if one is dependent on others for transport back again, you can’t cut and run when you’ve had enough.
Respect her decision and make arrangements to meet up perhaps when the weather improves.

My MIL lived with us in her own little apartment. She got her own breakfast but had lunch and supper with us. She liked routine so we ate at very regular times, often had a game of rummykub or cards early evening and she'd then happily go off to her own space. We'd always travelled to my SILs for Christmas but it was very clear that MIL struggled to hear when there were lots of people around and people didn't always make the effort to talk to her. Meals came at irregular times and although lovely were often too rich for her. It was difficult to suggest to SIL that we needed to have a different Christmas, she was rather offended but MIL was so much happier at home. She's no longer with us so this year we are going to spend Christmas with SIL so it was only for a few years. I guess your DM is at a similar stage in her life.

You have made the right decision OP she will be happier, as long as she's comfortable, warm and plenty of nice food to eat she'll have a good day.

My DC are going to be together this Christmas.
The English clan are coming to the Scottish clan, weather permitting.
At first I was a bit miffed to not be included but actually I am so thankful that they get on so well and that I don't have to travel and sleep in a strange bed. There would not be room for me
I will host a smaller group including DMiL and it will be quiet and peaceful i hope

My mum decided last month that she would not come to my sons graduation. She had been coming for months, I was picking her up (140 miles away) and she was getting the train back, first class ticket booked and my brother was meeting her at the other end. Also moved the spare room downstairs into the study so that she didn’t need to use the stairs. I’ve spoke to a few people who have said their elderly parents were the same. They want to stay in their own environment and able to use the loo when they like and have everything familiar. I came to this conclusion after thinking about what she would feel like travelling. Christmas Day we’re going to her and having a meal out. I think I’ve come to the conclusion that if we want to see her we will have to travel to see her. I wonder if I will feel like that when I’m elderly. Although at the moment I really do like my home space.

Your Mum is 87years old she will be tired, please leave her in peace.

I think we must be sensitive to their feelings respect their wishes. Many elderly (and not so elderly!) can feel embarrassed eg by frequent trips to the loo in the night or prefer their own beds or find the stairs in their AC’s houses hard to cope with.
I don’t consider myself all that old at 74, but since Paw died the house is quiet - the dog rarely answers when I talk to her and I can go days without seeing anybody other than the other dog walkers. So I have grown used to silence and find having a crowd around me quite exhausting (especially, much as I love it, the competition for “Granny” to look at this, help with that, play with the other)
I love my GC dearly and wish I saw more of them, but they are exhausting!

At 77 nearly 78 I totally understand, I have grown so used to my own company my own routine that I feel like a fish out of water when I go anywhere else
I don’t feel I can go all the way to NZ any more as much as I want to see my son and family and where they live now but I just can’t manage the journey and being away for a few weeks from my home and my boring but safe routine
Strange indescribable feelings

My husbands grandmother was taken to her sons for Christmas day each year. She said she was happy at home on her own but nobody would listen to her and felt she must be with family. She started get grumpy and miserable one Christmas day and they took her back home. She was happy and thereafter everybody listened to her wishes.

wildswan16

I would just let her spend Christmas how she wants. Sometimes as we get older it is just all too much trouble to go away somewhere.

Don't try to insist - it doesn't mean she is lonely or neglected. Just doing here own thing.

Agree with this. My elderly aunt used to tell me that she really did not want to go anywhere at Christmas. She preferred to stay at home, go to bed when she wanted but her family couldn’t bear to think she was alone that day. Plans were well meaning but they couldn’t understand. It was the same with my parents, my next door neighbour andI am beginning to think more like this as I get further into my eighties.

Let her do what she wants.

My Mother has made choices I'm not happy with, but I don't say anything because they are her choices and she has the right to make a bad choice if she wants to. She does complain about the consequences of the choices she makes, but as it was her choice to do those things, there's not much I can do.

So many people complain about the 'necessity' of rushing around visiting relatives at xmas - yet also seem to feel a need to pressure others to do exactly that.

Your mum's idea of enjoyment is to be quietly in her own home, so you have to accept that and not expect her to meet your ideas.

As long as she has mental capacity, she has the right to choose what she does. If she chooses something and later complains, that is also her choice.

None of us are responsible for other people's choices. We can invite them or offer to provide things, but at the end of the day if they choose not to accept (for whatever reason) that is their prerogative.

I think maybe it is harder to accept that they do not want what we want. But we must learn to.

Just let her be, her choice, surely.

On a hospital ward I worked on years ago there was a lady of 93.
During the week the physiotherapists would come and insist she got out of bed, do some exercises, eat more variety, etc etc.
All of which she just couldn't be bothered with and got quite stressed about.

The weekend ward sister was very understanding and used to tut about it, saying: "Honestly if you can't sit in bed and eat yoghurt at 93, if that's what you want to do, then when can you?"
The lady loved her relaxing weekends, sitting in state and chatting to all and sundry 😊

Quite right V3ra

Some physios can be really bossy and mean, too. I wouldnt want to bother at that age either.

Mattsmum2 ..

There is almost nothing so dull as a graduation ceremony!
I can see why she's not keen!

V3ra wrote:

"On a hospital ward I worked on years ago there was a lady of 93.
During the week the physiotherapists would come and insist she got out of bed, do some exercises, eat more variety, etc etc.
All of which she just couldn't be bothered with and got quite stressed about.

The weekend ward sister was very understanding and used to tut about it, saying: "Honestly if you can't sit in bed and eat yoghurt at 93, if that's what you want to do, then when can you?"
The lady loved her relaxing weekends, sitting in state and chatting to all and sundry"

The physios were task-oriented and the ward sister was person-oriented. The ward sister was right and the physios wrong. I hope the sister was able to command the physios.

I find there are two orientations in older people who live alone. Some are desperately lonely so they will buttonhole the postie, delivery people, neighbours and people in shops. Anything for someone to talk to.

Then there are those of us who have our own routine and resent any interruption, particularly if it comes without warning. I have certain days when my nephew comes around. I know when hes coming and I plan around his visit for those days. However I am very negative about unexpected callers unless they are delivering a parcel. This is where the ring doorbell is my friend. Its so easy to get rid when they are standing outside in the freezing cold and you are inside in the warm.

You need to respect your mother's decision.

There are many reasons, as we age, for not wanting to travel.

Some of us find the journey itself tiring to cope with, others do not sleep well in other people's homes, either because the bed is harder or softer than they are accustomed to, the room warmer or colder, or they feel they disturb the entire household by getting up to go to the bathroom during the night,

Your mother may feel the excitement and noise of a family Christmas with an 8 year old and perhaps other children just too much to cope with.

Or she may be one of those who find Christmas over-rated, or is saddened by memories of deceased family and friends.

Accept her decision with good grace, and ask when you may come and visit her.

I am in my eighties. Must say that I do not like being away from home overnight. No matter how comfortable people try t make me, nothing like my own bed and en=suite.

For some years Ihad wanted to tell my lovely AC that I really would prefer Xmas Day by myself at home. Never had the courage. Last year, I developed a bad bout of bronchitus just befoe the holidays, so I would not go to my local daughters, particularly as her (then) year 6 chld had covid.

I had such a wonderful relaxing day -one of the best Xmas';s I have had for many years. Got up late, showered, and changed into clean nightdress and dressing gown. Sat in my own comfortable riser./rec;ioner chair. Had tv on to watch what I wanted to watch. No noiose, no crowds, it was wonderful. N=My aughter did bring over plated up xmas meals for me just to warm up in microwave.

I would dlove to do it all against his year, but haven;t had the courage to tell her.

The sheer crowds, nloise, people on top of each other, is just too much for many of us as we get older, and not having our own bed at night is a big decising factor.