Elderly people getting married

MT62

lovethepuppies

I have heard of this play out in a family I know. The grandmother of the family decided to get married at 82. Her daughter was horrible to her about it and completely opposed. I thought that was awful. Nothing wrong with wanting a companion at that age. I'm all for being supportive of it, if it makes them happy.

My friends mum died. Dad moved in with another lady within weeks, later getting married.
Friend still at home, looking after them both as they were older parents, had to move into rented.
LSS, her dad die, new wife & family inherited everything.

If that happened with with my mum, I would be blinking furious to say the least.

Fair enough but that wasn't a concern with the family I mentioned. She was living alone, in rental accommodation. There was no-one displaced by it and no inheritance to worry about as she had nothing. So I think good on her for finding a companion for her last years.

People should seize the day no matter what their age but especially as we get older. It’s later than we think.

MissAdventure

There's nothing to suggest that's the case in Luckygirl's OP.

Well there is very little information at all in the OP, which is why I made my point that we cannot give an opinion without knowing more.

Ooh sorry.
I meant with regard to the mother being groomed.

There's nothing to suggest that's the case in Luckygirl's OP.

MissAdventure

I can't believe that offspring have ever been afforded such perceived control of their parents lives.

I find it shocking, and disgusting, frankly.

Me too! MissAdventure

I find it frankly appalling some of the negative posts.

The chances of finding love and indeed sharing a bed and sex in the full sense are rare but precious as we age.

We should be celebrating it

Yes, some Adult children are concerned abut the inheritance, but if the people concerned have capacity then it is their business what they do with it.

Of course, there are some where they may be genuine concerns about people being taken advantage of, and some kind intervention may be needful:

but goodness me, this happens at all ages

As regards actually marriage or a LAT (Living Apart Together) then it depends on what those involved wish and think proper. Not their AC.

This may depend on family values or the circle of friends and their values (belief systems may come into it, don't forget)

I'm not sure anyone can say whether her marrying at 80 is acceptable or not because we don't know the circumstances. If this is someone in her age group who she has formed a connection with then fine, but what if it's a young man from another country who's been grooming her? We can't really pass an opinion without knowing the full story. It might be absolutely right for the family to be worried and angry about this marriage.

Really! No idea where “meanest” came from

I meanest believe that whoever and whenever people marry, it’s entirely their business.

Some work out, some don’t, and it’s no good telling those involved not to, or do to so, unless of course, you know one partner very well and it’s clear that there’s something else going on or a history of crime or deception.

I always wanted whatever made my mum happy, but there again, there was no inheritance for me to "worry" about.

I don't know how people have the bare faced cheek to try and restrict their parents.

They need dragging into the here and now, instead of being stuck back in time when women were "property".

Mmmmn, it’s a tricky subject I think. I can’t imagine my own Mum wanting to marry again after a long happy marriage and she seems fine living on her own, but all her family are nearby and she sees us all the time.She also has women friends to go out with.
If someone is lonely that changes things tho there’s no need for marrying nowadays.Even years ago I knew a woman with a man friend, they went out and about together and he sometimes stayed with her for a few days but they never married.
If an older couple are marrying they can make wills that state upon the death of one of them, the other inherits the house and savings but upon his/her death later on, all the estate is shared equally between their combined living children.

I think we could all quote instances where a late life marriage turned out to have been a mistake .... but I al sure we could all quote similar for marriages at any age ....

Anyway no ones getting their foot over her doorstep, or under her table. Least not whilst I am around 😂

Why not? She is a grown adult. We do not have the right to police the actions of other sane adults.

In the mumsnet scenario there is no hint of dementia, the mum has been widowed for 10 years and has known her new fiance for many years as one half of a couple with whom she and her late husband were friends. The problem lies in the fact that the family do not like him ... talks too much and takes over conversations.

Much of the advice is to the effect that someone should have word with mum and point out potential problems .... much use that is .... it will just cause alienation in much the same way as a parent doing similar with their AC whose proposed partner they are not happy with.

It is also suggested they should be advised to wait .... they are already in death's waiting room!

Adults have the right to make choices, some of which might proves to be mistakes but that is just how it is.

My grandmother re-married after 20 years of widowhood and after six months the family had to pay him to move out and disappear. It’s probably safer to stay as good friends. A friend moved in with her partner but she developed dementia and he wasnt prepared to look after.

My mum married the church warden, when they were both late 70’s and had both lost their spouses.

The wedding was joyful with both sides of families there, along with many friends. Grandchildren were flower girls/page boys. Mum was taken to the church in db’s posh car and we all went to the beautiful reception held in a rather lovely restaurant with an Oompah band. What a wonderful day!

The happy couple then went on a honeymoon cruise to Norway.

They had a few happy years together and enjoyed travelling around the country.

What a fabulous end to lives well lived.💕

MissAdventure

Married, in the "full sense of the word" (said in a Les Dawson-esque manner)

Why not? surveys show that for some people an active and enjoyable sex life can extend into their 90s.

I sense a feeling of unease among a number of people on this thread, even when they are supportive, sort of. Why?

Desdemona

Marrying at that age would only be for some sort of financial advantage wouldnt it?

What a dreadful thing to say

My paternal GM married again in her very early 80s - new husband was a neighbour she’d known since WW2. He moved into her house, his was sold, so it meant only one lot of bills, plus a nice lump sum for him.
She died only a few years later, though, and he was allowed to stay in the house until he died/moved to a care home. DF was happy with this - he was a very nice old boy DF had know since he was small.

This was ages ago though - IIRC the house (3 bed in SE London) sold for around £8k!

Dad died

lovethepuppies

I have heard of this play out in a family I know. The grandmother of the family decided to get married at 82. Her daughter was horrible to her about it and completely opposed. I thought that was awful. Nothing wrong with wanting a companion at that age. I'm all for being supportive of it, if it makes them happy.

My friends mum died. Dad moved in with another lady within weeks, later getting married.
Friend still at home, looking after them both as they were older parents, had to move into rented.
LSS, her dad die, new wife & family inherited everything.

If that happened with with my mum, I would be blinking furious to say the least.

Just imagine the outcry if someone on MN was posting about their mother trying to dissuade them from marrying their choice

paddyann54

My late MIL had a man friend for years and although my husband and I knew and she discussed him with my daughter who she called her best pal,my sister in law wasn,t told because she would have gone bananas .To make matters worse he was married but according to him they had been living like sister and brother for years.
He did get a bit vocal when he learned that MIL,s house was in fact my OH,s and that he had power of attorney over all her affairs .Tried to talk her into changing her will in case we ran off with her money?
I must admit my husband was pleased he was married as MILtold us regularly if he had been free she,d have happily marched up the aisle with him.
We thought he was a bit odd /creepy even but she enjoyed his company and it was her choice.

😩 phew you had a narrow escape.

I have heard of this play out in a family I know. The grandmother of the family decided to get married at 82. Her daughter was horrible to her about it and completely opposed. I thought that was awful. Nothing wrong with wanting a companion at that age. I'm all for being supportive of it, if it makes them happy.

I have run my life in the way that was right for me. Had a wonderful second husband who I loved dearly until his death. I did not ask permission or inform my son in a way that meant I expected him to have any say apart from welcoming my husband into our family. As a widow now, I will do exactly as I choose, and have no intention of informing any one of any plans or intentions I may have, other than the normal introductions I would make when two people who had not met before meet for the first time.

If I ask for advice or opinions then that is a different matter , but my life , my choice. I am perfectly capable of making my own decisions, whether it is to travel more and alone or to have someone special in my life. From early in life we have to learn to look at choices , make decisions and live by what we have decided. We may learn some hard lessons on the way, but I know that whilst there are some decisions that may not have turned out to be exactly as I hoped, I always think that I would much prefer to regret the odd mistake I have made, and be happy that over my long life so many things have led to a fuller , more interesting life, whether that was leaving a well paid but boring job, to make the most of life and travel and work and live abroad, rather than spend 40 years working at something I did not enjoy just to have a good pension.

The same goes with relationships. I am the only person that knows what or who I like and who suits me. Having lived so long I have become an expert on making good choices for me, I may be older, but I have not turned into a child, and nor do I think my son has the right to try to change the way I live.( not that he would) I do not live with him, he lives his life and I am pleased to be part of the family etc. But I dont critisize or comment on their decisions about my grandsons schooling, their choice of holidays, work changes or any of the decisions that rightfully belong to them. I can express an opinion about something if asked , or keep my personal views to myself. I expect the same courtesy from them. Woe betide anyone family or otherwise , who think they have the right or are entitled to tell me how to live my life.

Sadly over recent years, I think that there has been less respect from younger people to older people, and it seems to become "what shall we do with grandad?" which involves the grandad doing what suits the children best, rather than a caring family looking to see how they can help the grandad to live for as long as possible in the way he chooses. As we have all managed to live to older ages and miracle miracle, managed to survive, learn, work, make decisions and stick to them, I am sure that there are people wondering how on earth we managed to exist with no wifi or immediate chances to spend ludicrous amounts of time tell other people what we ate for breakfast etc. Well we have already done well to still be living life and find some pleasure in a world that is full of sad and troublesome situations, If we love to see our gardens , or sit watching tv all day, it is up to us. Do you remember the song by the Beverly Sisters that went "Lord help the mister, who comes between me and my sister -- But LORD HELP THE SISTER who comes between me and my man!! Well change the pronouns where necessary but the message remains the same to this day

My late MIL had a man friend for years and although my husband and I knew and she discussed him with my daughter who she called her best pal,my sister in law wasn,t told because she would have gone bananas .To make matters worse he was married but according to him they had been living like sister and brother for years.
He did get a bit vocal when he learned that MIL,s house was in fact my OH,s and that he had power of attorney over all her affairs .Tried to talk her into changing her will in case we ran off with her money?
I must admit my husband was pleased he was married as MILtold us regularly if he had been free she,d have happily marched up the aisle with him.
We thought he was a bit odd /creepy even but she enjoyed his company and it was her choice.