Your funeral

Sores that too is my only stipulation please, please, please make sure I m dead before I go in that furness I know I feel the cold and like a bit of heat but……
Louisa that s exactly what I ve done did you get your
stamps ?

pinkprincess

keepingquiet

My ex died during Covid and my children had no one to comfort them at his funeral- I wasn't allowed to attend because I was shielding from the virus and it broke my heart, there wasn't even live screening.
Since then I am planning to have a full blown burial after requiem mass with my vast family and fellow parishioners in attendance, as well as anyone else that knows me.
I want hymns and incense and lots of flowers.

I know I won't be there but I hope there will be a good wake afterwards and lots of prayers said for my immortal soul. I will need them!

Me too keepingquiet
I have put money into my local undertakers so my family will not have to pay much. I want the full catholic ceremonial, I volunteer at my local church and am known there.My family are not church goers as all non practising now but they respect my wishes and know what I want.
My late husband was also non practising, but had a crematorium service with prayers said by the priest which was what he wanted.No bells and smells he said but we prayed for his soul.I have a Mass said for him each year on his death anniversary.

Thankyou- I was beginning to think I might be the last person in this country to have a full Catholic burial!

We seem to be putting death in a cupboard in this country if you go by the posts here...

I ve never wanted any fuss I just don't get it at all spending a lot of money on a wooden box that’s going to be shoved in the ground or burnt, people who you haven’t seen for years moping up their tears, that’s not me at all I m really quite uncomfortable with the whole, what seems to me over the top, theatre. I went to some funerals in the Far East where some families pay professional mourners to weep and wail as a sign of popularity or love
Good job we re all different

no hymns as nobody knows them anymore

I think many people, at least of my generation, still know ‘Abide With Me’ and ‘The Day Thou Gavest’, typical funeral hymns.

I think lots of people know them, they are just self-conscious about singing them in public, unless they are at a football match.

The advantage is that we will never know what kind of funeral we will have. We can plan a huge state funeral in Westminster Abbey, set it all up, our family can promse to buid a monument to rival the The Albert Memorial - then when you die they can cancel the lot and send you to the crem in the back of a transit van = and you will never know.

I have been thinking about my funeral - which is hopefully many years away (it must be a sign of getting older!). I’m very aware that, now I’m in my early 70’s, I have more life behind me that I have ahead of me and I do think in a very different way now I’m older, but I really want to enjoy what years I have left, God willing. Although I hate attention, I would like that attention at my own funeral, with lots of people attending. What does that say about me?! I wouldn’t want lots of flowers, or lots of money spent, and it’s to be a cremation (which I’ve stated in my Will). I do think that, for me, funerals are important - upsetting yet comforting at the same time. Cathartic as another poster said. After my mum died a decade ago, it got me thinking about my own funeral and I wrote down everything I’d like, from hymns to flowers (close family flowers only) etc. I destroyed that note a few months later in case the requests were only found well after my funeral and that would cause regret that my wishes weren’t necessarily followed. I wouldn’t have wanted to tell the family where I’d left the list of requests as they’d think I was being morbid and it would be upsetting to talk about. I know they’ll choose what’s appropriate at the time.

BlueBelle

I ve never wanted any fuss I just don't get it at all spending a lot of money on a wooden box that’s going to be shoved in the ground or burnt, people who you haven’t seen for years moping up their tears, that’s not me at all I m really quite uncomfortable with the whole, what seems to me over the top, theatre. I went to some funerals in the Far East where some families pay professional mourners to weep and wail as a sign of popularity or love
Good job we re all different

Yes, it is a good job we are all different but it does seem to be a trend now that death is put away and not thought about. Yet we are all going there and most of us if we are lucky, will be mourned and missed.
I cannot articulate how much I miss my deceased loved ones, but have to accept that this is the profound human experience none of us will escape.
Yet far from binding up together in a communal sense of mourning and grief we see it as a task to get on with, like the shopping or putting out the rubbish.
It saddens me that we limit this very visceral experience this way. Maybe it is a post-Covid thing, I don't know.
What strikes me is that when a celebrity, who few people really knew, dies there is a massive outpouring of grief.
Why?
Even here we have a whole thread devoted to the ten year anniversary of the death of a musician and showman.
Yet, alongside this we have people who don't appreciate how much they will be missed and what their loss will mean to others?
Maybe we should just ask our children what kind of funeral they want for us? Will they just want a quick, cheap no 'fuss' ceremony, or would they appreciate something a little bit more meaningful for them- something that will aid the very necessary process of grieving?
I may well have such a conversation with my own children in the future.

A lot of interesting comments on here.
Like others I loathe funerals and often find by the funeral tea afterwards the poor departed is forgotten and there is general chat and laughter , for example of what holidays people are going on this year. Lol!!
So I will have a simple cremation with no funeral. When I did a poll of various friends, people I go to yoga and book club with etc and family and neighbours etc approx 8 out of 10 said they disliked funerals and went out of obligation . I think it's time for a change as a lot on here are doing. Not for everyone some will want the full funeral and tea afterwards and of course to have the choice is a wonderful thing
On another note I just think it's a waste of thousands of pounds which could be better placed to help family or even better charity. But each to their own.

Yes, funerals can be expensive, but are they any more of a waste of money than extravagant weddings?

I think it would be a lot cheaper frankly to have a big send off funeral than a wedding.

And for the ‘guests’ (mourners), a far cheaper option to make a simple donation to a chosen charity than tinning out for a pricy wedding gift, or donation to a honeymoon.

A friend died and his wife organised a direct cremation. A few weeks later she had a gathering at his local club and put on a buffet.
OH and I paid for direct cremations shortly afterwards. Our children all live well away from us so this sort of thing would probably be better for them.

Joanofarc99 I am totally with you! My son died in covid so it was a very small funeral and we gave the money we saved to the food bank!
This made us think and we decided to do a pure cremation, sadly DH died it was expected so everything was sorted. But I don’t think the family felt it was right but you can’t please everyone.

Fartooold I am sorry to hear of the loss of your child, unfortunately I know that pain too. There is no pain like it We had collection at the funeral to raise money for charity.
Calendar girl...yes ...weddings are very expensive now if you go for an extragavent one, aren't they!! Again my choice would be for a simpler one but as I said each to their own. And who could deny the happy young couple that special day in whatever manner they choose. Choice is a wonderful thing.. if you have the finances lol

I’ve had the conversation with my children * keepingquiet*, in fact more than one😬 Thankfully it was years ago, before there was any need, so we don’t have to have that emotional conversation now, so I’d certainly advise the sooner the better.

Thankfully we all hate funerals with a passion, so there’s no conflict there. And gong back to the OP, I’m relieved they won’t see how few attendees there would be😬

Wendy Cope: “My Funeral”

“Yes, I was impatient and intolerant and not always polite
And if there aren’t many people at my funeral, it will serve me right.”

Oh Lathyrus I love that saying
And I m with you all the way I find funerals truly depressing, people turn up who never bothered with you or maybe you didn’t even like
A close friend died recently and when I saw the people going to the funeral it was like a Sunday school party I m sure they were reverent in the crematorium but they were sharing rides and laughing and joking snd took the sausage rolls for in the car and there was a couple I know she didn’t like at all I m not meaning to sound superior in any way but I just couldn’t be part of it and I thought about her and mentally talked to her myself alone, it was my way
I don’t think you can compare weddings with funerals but hey ho I don’t support or like big flashy weddings either
Funny enough I m a very sociable person I just can’t tolerate OTT showy stuff, but as has been said each to his own

Bluebelle.. agree with what you say above. Too many funerals descend into that. Quiet reflection means so much more

I paid £2000 for a direct cremation with Pure Cremation. I’ve donated my brain to dementia research so I had to make sure how that would be organised as well.

So how did that go namo?

I have told my family and in a letter with my will , they are to do whatever they feel comfortable with. Just stipulated I want a cremation and left it at that. I won’t be around !

Years ago people all lived in the same area along with their friends and family, so a funeral was easy to set up. Guests were all close by and could even walk there. Now people are spread all over the country and even the world, so in many cases there are few people living near the deceased.

That applies to me, so I'll go with Pure Cremation or similar and my daughters can decide what sort of send off they will do. Probably a simple gathering to scatter ashes, then go for afternoon tea in a posh house that does teas.

Aveline - This is assuming death at home: the brain donation organisation said they pay for funeral director’s journey to hospital mortuary and the return journey back into the funeral director’s care.

What an interesting thread although of course a little sad.
I have heard all sorts of stories over the last couple of years and still come back to a very simple cremation for me and as my father and grandfather both worked for the CO OP, will arrange it up front through them with agreement of my DDs. The CO OP is hopefully unlikely to go bust before I go bust.

One cremation story was of a keen biker whose many many biker friends turned up at the crematorium and all roared their engines. What a way to go.
And another where the bereaved daughter wrote a poem which went on and on and on and on.
A relation was cremated with the outgoing music "When the saints go marching in " played as a dirge. Nothing like what was intended.
I know any friends left will think kindly of me in their own way. And close family will always think of me as I do of close family and friends now departed.

But we are all different and choose different things.

My mum and dad lived to a great age and I was worried that at their funerals no one would turn up. What a surprise when ex colleagues from 30 years and pupils from 50 years ago made the effort to come. I made sure I had a meet and greet at the end to thank them all individually. It was a real tribute to both my parents. Don't underestimate who will attend but it does need to be put into the newspaper or on social media so people can see.

M0nica

The advantage is that we will never know what kind of funeral we will have. We can plan a huge state funeral in Westminster Abbey, set it all up, our family can promse to buid a monument to rival the The Albert Memorial - then when you die they can cancel the lot and send you to the crem in the back of a transit van = and you will never know.

Actually - if people did hold a "proper funeral" for me in the event - then I think I'd probably attend it personally (I gather most people do - before they finally head off properly for "Heaven").

But I'll still stick to my intention not to bother and the one thing I am concerned about is being dead for at least 3 days before they find my body (so I can be quite sure and certain my body is 101% dead). I think the Victorians had it about right that the body was kept for "viewing purposes/paying last respects" for 3 days - and it looks as if the subtext was to make sure they really genuinely were dead for sure and there'd be a noticeable number of people that could potentially spot if they weren't. I've been so unnerved by the number of provable accounts of someone being declared dead on the excuse of "They're brain dead - now we'll grab for their organs" and the person turned out not to be dead at all.

I was not a happy bunny when come the time my father died in that nursing home that, despite it being the most expensive one there was locally, they basically acted like they couldnt wait one second to have the undertaker turn up. They were so darn keen to "call it quits" that they woke me in the middle of the night twice with a phonecall to say he was dead - but it was somebody else in the event. You can imagine what strong words they got from me about that....about "Do NOT ring me again by mistake for someone else's relative in the middle of the darn night. Make sure and certain you've got your facts right before I get another phonecall from you and that you really are ringing about the correct person next time - and, by the way, why the middle of the night anyway?".

GoodAfternoonTea

My mum and dad lived to a great age and I was worried that at their funerals no one would turn up. What a surprise when ex colleagues from 30 years and pupils from 50 years ago made the effort to come. I made sure I had a meet and greet at the end to thank them all individually. It was a real tribute to both my parents. Don't underestimate who will attend but it does need to be put into the newspaper or on social media so people can see.

...and in a language everyone will understand.

The local newspaper where I am now has a death announcement column and I'm left wondering why the person putting in the announcement isn't concerned that many of their friends will have to ring up with queries about it - because all they will understand is the name. Some of these notices are in English only (no problem), some are in both English and Welsh (no problem) - but there are a noticeable number in Welsh only and I'm left thinking "Don't they know/are related to any English speech only people? How are they supposed to know what it said?" I saw a name I recognised (not someone I was sorry to hear about in the event - as she'd been a to me) and had to ring up the funeral director to tell me what it said (as it was only in Welsh).

So that consideration (ie being considerate) should apply throughout the country - so everyone can read it.