Have you had ‘The chat’ with your children about your future care needs.

I despair at the number of people who leave all the “ life admin” to their spouse or adult children ( unless they have dementia ) and then haven’t a clue if their spouse dies first. When I worked in an advice centre I had one lady come with a huge bag of bank statements, bills etc. wanting help with the tax situation after her husband died. It took me the whole hour just to sort the paperwork into date order. She hadn’t a clue.
Of course in some cases it is a case of the other person wanting control.

Allalongagatha

Lots of people saying I will do it after Christmas. Accidents happen without notice.

Exactly! The poster saying she will do a PoA when her daughter tells her she is going gaga is ridiculous. If she has gone gaga, it will be too late, she won’t be able to sign the PoA.

One of the things that we have done is to have a list of all of our accounts, pensions and shares etc with account numbers, passwords and contact details to make it easier for our son, but also me should anything happen to my DH.

Also, how many people inform their next of kin of their travel insurer when they go abroad? Repatriation costs are high but unless someone knows who your insurers are the cost will likely have to be paid up front by a family member.

I'm hoping that the Mc Carthy and Stone option of a high level of support but in my own flat will do the job.

You can live either completely independently or buy in cleaners, carers, and meals. Everything until the level of high level nursing care, and I know the local one, its close to familiar things.

I know myself well enough that living here in my house, if I cannot get out I will be far too lonely, and an assisted wheelchair down to the bits and bobs of things like midday meal or afternoon tea or just sitting in the common room that they have in McCarthy and Stone will be better.

I do have to pluck up courage to have "that Conversation" with DS and DiL. it's only the fact that DGD is so very disabled and will need 24/7 care gets in the way.

You see, they don't talk about the future with her, its important for them to cope by living in the present, not supposing stuff like, how long will she live etc.

Advice?

My mum told us that if dad died first, she wanted to go into a care home. He died when she was 92. Telling us that made things so much easier. She had a new lease of life for 6 months. She no longer had to worry about shopping or housework or cooking. She had company and social activities including outings. Best decision she made. So glad she told us.
I have had conversations with my children and done POA. You can’t do it all online. You can input certain information then print it off but it all needs witnessing and signing in the write order.

I’m with you Allsorts

Everything in place.POA and will. My son knows I do not want to go into a care home, maybe there will be no option but sincerely hope not as I would be a bad patient, being cooped up so will do anything to avoid.

Dont leave it too late. You have to be of sound mind and we all know how suddenly that can change at any age. And for any reason. And once it is done, you don't have to think of it again. When DH was in hospital we had more problems than necessary as at that time we didnt have a health POA in place for him.

My daughter and I completed my DH POA on line. But when it came to do mine for all sorts of reasons we didnt have the headspace to do it. So I went through a solicitor. I wish I had not. Expensive, more time consuming than necessary and pretty incompetent and acrually quite a rude arrogant man.
I certainly won't be using him to update my will which is a shame as he is within walking distance which is why I chose him. Big mistake.

Lots of people saying I will do it after Christmas. Accidents happen without notice.

I’m divorced and live alone, my ex-husband lives with his (lovely) partner. My house is still owned by us both as joint tenants, his in in his sole name. Neither of us has a will nor POA and approaching 70, I am determined to get mine done after Christmas.

We have three AC: eldest lives closest but is flat-out with her career, child and social life, and deflects any attempts I make to discuss my eventual demise. Middle one lives in Asia with his wife and child, inconvenient when signatures are needed. Youngest lives two hours away, is the most pragmatic and remembers what I’ve told her about my wishes.

I assume all the AC should be executors but the geography must complicate it. I don’t doubt my ex-husband will agree to transferring this house into my sole name, when we divorced he suggested we do it when he’d paid off the mortgage, which is now done, but I don’t know if I need to find a solicitor to process it.

He refuses to contemplate his own demise and the AC know nothing about his business, finance or whether his partner expects to stay in his house if he dies first, and despite my lack of action so far, I really do want to make things easier for them if I can.

Thank you all for the inspiration to start some tricky conversations!

Not being personal but I regard DH and I as being pretty well-off but with carehome fees at upwards of £60k a year each our money wouldn't last long if we both needed care. My Gt Aunt lived to 106 - about 25 years of that in a care home (free of charge!).

Also, if only one of us needs care the other would remain in the house and retain their own liquid assets, so the person in care would be limited to a much cheaper care home - and believe me there are some crap ones around!

Witzend

Jane43

Allalongagatha

I am a strong believer that everyone should have a health POA whatever their age. Is is easy to do and fairly cheap.

We have just done ours, way overdue but despite being advised to have it done by a professional we did them ourselves, it is quite straightforward and only cost us £82 each although it has now gone up to £92. Family friends paid over £1000 to have theirs done professionally plus the registration fee of £82 each.

We did them both ourselves, too. You do not need to pay a solicitor, but you do need to read the instructions, esp. re signing and dating, very carefully, since any mistakes will mean it’s rejected and you will have to start (and pay!) again.

We found it perfectly straightforward.

Yes, there is a checklist provided re signing and recording the dates, as you say the parts have to be signed in date order and I also did a lot of research before doing ours regarding terminology, who can be witnesses etc.

winterwhite

*Bluebelle*, I once said to the ACs Just leave me alone and let me fall downstairs and break my neck. They said, Don't always put yourself first Mother. Suppose you only break your hips and we have to look after you.

Great discussion there BlueBelle.
During my blue light to A and E admission recently, I heard the paramedic checking with my daughters if I had DNA, if they had power of attorney health and did they know my wishes. Yes, mum doesn’t want to be kept alive if that means wiring her up to keep her alive, she wants us to unplug her.

(If only it could be so straight forward. I was proud of my girls thst day )

we had our wills made when we bought the house, and have all of our children named as POA after my OH was diagnosed with Alzheimers. we both want to be buried.I have told them where all the documents and bank accounts are. I look after my OH at home, and I don't want to go into a care home, I just hope I live long enough to look after him.

Iam64

I’ve had a number of discussions with mine. I hope never to go into a care placement

I have DNR in place. The know I don’t want to be kept alive by tubes and wires.

They know where the will, DNR, household bills, bank, savings are.

We were recently told by the nurse in the heart failure clinic that a DNR only applies to resusitation from a heart episode where a defibrillator or similar is used.

DH was told he needed to sign one because his breast bone has not joined up again after his bypass operation and any sudden pressure on his chest, like defibrillator would kill him. When we expressed concerns because we thought it woulbe appliedin any other event where other methods of resusitation would be used, they said, very firmly No DNR's only applied to the use of defibrillators and methods requiring the use of pressure on the chest.

Jane43

Allalongagatha

I am a strong believer that everyone should have a health POA whatever their age. Is is easy to do and fairly cheap.

We have just done ours, way overdue but despite being advised to have it done by a professional we did them ourselves, it is quite straightforward and only cost us £82 each although it has now gone up to £92. Family friends paid over £1000 to have theirs done professionally plus the registration fee of £82 each.

We did them both ourselves, too. You do not need to pay a solicitor, but you do need to read the instructions, esp. re signing and dating, very carefully, since any mistakes will mean it’s rejected and you will have to start (and pay!) again.

We found it perfectly straightforward.

Aely, Shocking re the way your father was treated. That must have been very upsetting all round!

No treatment for sepsis indeed!!

Shocking re your mothers attitude too - it does leave a very nasty taste in the mouth when your mother says that about your father (as I know - because that was what happened in my family).

Good on your daughters...they sound like a blessing to you.

I have had a talk with my elder daughter, the one who is in the best position to "keep an eye on me". I have told her not to be shy or embarassed if she thinks I am going a bit ga-ga or am in a positon where I won't be able to cope with looking after myself for much longer. She is to tell me and we will put things in motion for a POA and/or a care package before it becomes too late.

Both my kids have a copy of my will and when my husband died I bought a double depth plot so they will have the option to pop me in on top, either in a coffin or as a jar of ashes. I have said I would prefer burial but it will be up to them. When I am dead, I really won't have any preference, after all!

When my dad was in hospital in his final days, I sneaked in (Mum had told me I was not to visit) and found he had a DNR on him. In retrospect he appeared to be on the Liverpool Pathway, as it became known. He had sepsis. He was receiving no treatment. He was so relieved to see me and kept telling me "I don't want to die".

My mother had told the hospital that even if they made him well enough, she was not having him home and they would be stuck with him. He was the age I am now. I had sepsis not so long ago. Thank goodness my daughters did not think like their Grandmother, even though they would be considerably better off if I had popped my clogs. They did everything they could to help me.

I’ve told dds that I don’t ever want them looking after me. If that eventually means a care home, so be it. 🤞there will be enough funds.
We have set up Ps of A for dds, and have added an extra paragraph to state clearly in which circs. (dementia among others) we absolutely do not want any life-saving or life prolonging treatment.

fancythat

I am in a bit of an unusual position.

Actually dealing right now with the generation older than my and DH's.
And yet people around us are starting to talk to us about when we ourselves die.

Our accountant last week was talking about this subject. I thought he meant hte older generation. Took me a couple of minutes to cotton on that he was talking about ourselves!

How can we take ourselves death seriously, when nearly all our parents are still quite with us?
Dont think at all I am in the right headspace for that.

I comprehend that entirely. You can't allow yourself to be old, when the other people are really old.

I have POA for my mother and I know where her will is and her financial situation. My mother is 90 and currently in hospital after a fall , so we’ve had a few conversations about her future care , she obviously would prefer to be at home with carers but she’s aware that she may need 24 hour care in a care home and she has the money to pay for it .
But I agree it is important to have these conversations .

How life goes in a circle. 30/40 odd years ago, THE CHAT to the children would have been about the birds and the bees .
Having done numerous POAs, they really are very easy to do online.

Bluebelle, I once said to the ACs Just leave me alone and let me fall downstairs and break my neck. They said, Don't always put yourself first Mother. Suppose you only break your hips and we have to look after you.

I have planned to go into a McCarthy and Stone once I'm not coping here, I just dont have that level of attachment to this partiuclar home of 10 years. I also dont dread a care home - but of course, its totally about "which one and what its like!"

Re wills - and being sure that's sorted.

The most basic thing of all is ensuring all relevant people know there is a will and where it is stored.

I had one anyway and decided to update when I moved here and went to a local solicitor for that easy-peasey/so easy I could have done it myself (but I was playing safe) to do an updated one. Just after that there was a reminder article in the press that it's now the norm for people to have the info. lodged with the National Wills Registry (in London I believe) that there is a will in existence and where it is stored and millions of people already have that info. there with this Wills Registry.

So I knew for a fact that solicitor in this town should have known that/done that - obviously! But I took the precaution of contacting them and saying "Of course you've done that - obviously. But you haven't confirmed to me that you have done so". There was a pause - and back came "Oh no we haven't actually" !!!!!! A very simple form to fill in and that cost only £30 at that time (2013 I think it was) and they'd neglected to do that bit of their job!!!!! Cue for they did it at that point and said they wouldnt charge me for that aspect. Knowing just how "unusual" thinking can be here sometimes - I did wonder just why that inefficiency had happened. .....

I couldnt believe their incompetence. Oh maybe I can - given a local friend of mine told me "If you tell anything in confidence to a solicitor in this town - they'll be telling the others the next time they're up the golf course together" and I'm gobsmacked at how low standard they are and I've had another solicitor matter later where I just "cut to the chase" and went back to my old firm in England for it.