Have you had ‘The chat’ with your children about your future care needs.

I have had my fair share of wills, POA and care homes with parents and my goodness, this is a depressing thread. I know I’ll be shot down if I say why not look on the bright side and try imagining that you will be fit and well right up to the day you pass. I’m aware of the arguments about having things in place etc etc but perhaps I come from a different sort of family….my adult children would know instinctively what care arrangements we would like and what we wouldn’t . They know we have a will and have savings and where….and they could easily apply for POA if it came to it. But I’m afraid you can try and control things all you want but, as suggested in a previous reply, the system often does its best to take over and much of it can be in vain.

mokryna

All to fill in for your children to read

Big "gap in the market" if it just assumes everyone has children.

An updated one to allow for a lot of our generation onwards havent. The Pill/legal abortion came along in the 1970s and so there are a lot of us that never had children and havent got a husband/partner (or never had one in the first place).

Still a lot of assumptions being made by society as a whole. It only came out again this morning - first time seeing a particular acupuncturist and so we go through the initial questionnaire and up comes that question of "Next of kin please"/that person to contact in case of emergency. Obviously I get why she asks - but what if the answer to that is "No-one"?...and there isn't - because parents dead/brother and his family estranged/no partner or spouse = no-one. She did ask if I had any pets at home - and I thought "Aw - she's thinking there might be a cat that will go hungry if I just collapsed" and thankfully I've not got pets to arrange for - I just used to borrow a previous neighbours cats sometimes....

Allalongagatha

I am a strong believer that everyone should have a health POA whatever their age. Is is easy to do and fairly cheap.

Cheap? For hubby and I to both do health POA's the cost will be £!84, (£92 + £92 - the price went up this year from £82 to £92!).
To do a finance POA each, again this would be £184.
Therefore total cost for both POA's for both of us = £368.
This is if you're completing the work yourselves.
We did our wills this year, and will do our POA's after Christmas. I'm confident we will be able to do them ourselves, but some people won't be, and will use a solicitor, pushing the cost up much higher.
Like you, I strongly believe in doing POA's, but I think the cost will put people off doing them. (This may be the case with wills as well - we did use a solicitor for our wills). I think £92 for one POA per person is frankly extortionate, and makes me very angry.

LindyLou2020

Allalongagatha

I am a strong believer that everyone should have a health POA whatever their age. Is is easy to do and fairly cheap.

Cheap? For hubby and I to both do health POA's the cost will be £!84, (£92 + £92 - the price went up this year from £82 to £92!).
To do a finance POA each, again this would be £184.
Therefore total cost for both POA's for both of us = £368.
This is if you're completing the work yourselves.
We did our wills this year, and will do our POA's after Christmas. I'm confident we will be able to do them ourselves, but some people won't be, and will use a solicitor, pushing the cost up much higher.
Like you, I strongly believe in doing POA's, but I think the cost will put people off doing them. (This may be the case with wills as well - we did use a solicitor for our wills). I think £92 for one POA per person is frankly extortionate, and makes me very angry.

Sorry, first sentence should be £184, not £!84🤦🏻‍♀️

The only way I will be in a care home is when I have lost all mental capacity and family exercise POA. They know that even if I have no idea who I am but could still be maintained at home then that's where I should be.

Cariadagain please don’t express such unfounded opinions about organ donation! I was a neuro ITU nurse for most of my career and witnessed many brain stem tests. Let me assure you that if your brain stem is not functioning you are not “alive”. You are kept alive by ventilation, fluids and iv medications but even that is not finite. We desperately need people in these tragic situations to donate organs and in so doing save or transform often several lives. To suggest that the donor suffers in any way and mention “horror stories” is extremely thoughtless to the families of donors and to organ recipients, and I guarantee you cannot find a reliable scientific source to support it. I am sorry you have clearly been through a lot with your Mother and Brother but I cannot ignore what you have said about organ donation.

This is fear mongering. There are very strict guidelines in place and most organs sadly cannot be used because the guidelines are so stringent. My friend’s husband had a massive cardiac arrest in the street. He had a 17% chance of coming out of his coma once the life support was removed. He had a DNR in place thankfully. The donor nurse spent hours with the family and explained that once the machines were turned off his organs could only be used within a few hours. As it was he didn’t die for about 12 hours or so they would not have been able to use them. As it was during the family discussion when the Donor nurse realised he had had skin cancer (melanoma) he was not suitable anyway. Seems like a very considered and bureaucratic process in actual fact.

Totally agree Maz1960 - if anything it sounds as if it was an incredibly caring, cautious process.

I have read a LOT of articles about organ donors that were found not to be dead/really dead after all. Both American and British examples.

One recent example that was reported in quite a few British newspapers was:

www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/kentucky-organ-transplant-declared-dead-b2631194.html

Movements are often called "reflex actions" - when they are movements/the person trying to say they are still alive.

We made our wills, but I have filled in a DNR form. I have an autoimmune that affects the heart and lungs, I’m 65. Not sure what to do. Some patients have a permanent tube for meds etc. I don’t want it. However I don’t want to leave my kids in their early :0’s. Both married with one child each.

Also read the official medical website

www.respectfor humanlife.com

by medics themselves.

Graunty7

The main benefit to POA is the health part. Without this you cannot advocate for your parents properly
As parents get increasingly older there can be all sorts of complications and the poa allows you to ring gp up and discuss future ideas, Muddled medication , consultation information etc .
It means you can advocate for attendance allowance and care situations.

Also please don’t struggle with the money . Claim what you need , your parents have worked for it .
Use chat gtp to find out info or Google.

I have learnt so much in the last three years. My dad died recently at 98 my mum is now on full oxygen with home care at 89.

If you are struggling at hospitals with info don’t forget Pals.

Ref money . It’s also useful but you also have to apply individually for all sorts of extra permissions through the gov .

I feel I could write a book

We were today quite the opposite
Financial affairs POA, yes but health? No.not really necessary because doctors will.know what needs to be done. I would mot wantbto overrule a doctor in regard to someone else's health.

All.above understandable I think. Thought I had hit preview.

i had the talk 6 years ago when i needed an operation that i might no get through, i only have my son, if my mind goes then put me in a home, get a company in to clear the house, straight cremation, nobody there and no service, all my paperwork is in a folder, i have lyphedema in both legs that is getting worse (due to having cancer) so my mobility is getting more limited, when i need carers i will go into a home.

Sadie5803

JUST A MESSAGE OF WARNING.
my dear mum who passed away 3 weeks ago had a p.o.a. in the wrong hands they are a loaded gun, we thought my neice was trustworthy, HOW WRONG WERE WE, she stole 1 hundred thousand from mum, fraud department dont want to know, ive got to take a private prosecution out, i can't afford to do it on a state pension, there's no legal aid anymore, to make matters worse, she took her to make a new will out at the age of 95, leaving everything to her and she's sole executer, all done behind my back, she was abuseing mum, mum was scared to tell me, I was 200 miles away , I've now blocked probate and fighting her through my legal insurance, PLEASE TAKE NOTE

Sadie,

Have a look at this link.
www.gov.uk/report-abuse-of-older-person

I’m afraid you must report your niece to the local police.
Sharpen your nails and make sure she does not get away with this.

CariadAgain
^mokryna
All to fill in for your children to read^

Sorry just pick it up from OP’s title

Flutterby345

Graunty7

The main benefit to POA is the health part. Without this you cannot advocate for your parents properly
As parents get increasingly older there can be all sorts of complications and the poa allows you to ring gp up and discuss future ideas, Muddled medication , consultation information etc .
It means you can advocate for attendance allowance and care situations.

Also please don’t struggle with the money . Claim what you need , your parents have worked for it .
Use chat gtp to find out info or Google.

I have learnt so much in the last three years. My dad died recently at 98 my mum is now on full oxygen with home care at 89.

If you are struggling at hospitals with info don’t forget Pals.

Ref money . It’s also useful but you also have to apply individually for all sorts of extra permissions through the gov .

I feel I could write a book

We were today quite the opposite
Financial affairs POA, yes but health? No.not really necessary because doctors will.know what needs to be done. I would mot wantbto overrule a doctor in regard to someone else's health.

From all I’ve ever read or heard, the default for most medics is to keep someone going, even if their quality of life is already very poor, or is going to be. This is largely because (as I understand it) they worry about being sued if they don’t, and tabloid headlines saying CALLOUS DOCTORS WANTED MUM TO DIE!

From experience, medics are usually very open to a discussion on with relatives, as to whether life should be prolonged, or whether it’d be kinder to use palliative care, and let Nature take its course.

I had to have this conversation with her GP, after a childless aunt in her 80s with fairly advanced dementia, was suffering from the umpteenth UTI and was refusing food and drink.

Yes, I've told them that I'll be coming to live with them and will be as big a burden to them as they were to me. ;)

They know we have a will and have savings and where….and they could easily apply for POA if it came to it.

Stillness your adult children will not be able to simply apply for a Power of Attorney.

You have to set it up on their behalf, while you are still deemed to be capable of doing so.

Don't leave it too late.

From experience, medics are usually very open to a discussion on with relatives, as to whether life should be prolonged, or whether it’d be kinder to use palliative care, and let Nature take its course.

I had to have this conversation with her GP, after a childless aunt in her 80s with fairly advanced dementia, was suffering from the umpteenth UTI and was refusing food and drink.

Really? Because they were happy enough to keep my family members alive , as long as the money was rolling in?

I’m tired out reading all this!! Let us have some peace!

I like to be organised, but as I have no relatives and no-one willing to act as Power of Attorney, I feel somewhat stuck. Glad though that the majority seem to be sorting themselves out.

I admit I haven’t read through all the entries for this post but would suggest that attending a Death Cafe (…there’s bound to be one in your area…) might be helpful for quite a few of you. It’s a really good way of normalising discussions around death and dying (and, interestingly, life and living) and can also be quite good fun!

In answer to the OP - yes and no.

Will and PoA’s sorted (Solicitor charged £900 for the PoAs). Both DDs know my personal wishes and where to scatter my ashes. They know my Financial Advisor, and where my savings are - but they have no idea how much (or little) my pension income is, or how much I have in savings.

After DH died, I asked the solicitor if I needed a new will. DS and DiLhave no children (by choice) while DD and SiL have two. I said I was thinking of leaving one-third to each AC and one-third to the GC.
"Do you want your son to think you loved him less because he didn't have children?" asked the solicitor.
I left my will as before, half each to the AC. What I do with spare cash in the mean time is another matter.