Funeral wishes

Well, I have already paid for my funeral.

It’s going to be a direct cremation as I don’t want my family paying out thousands just for a bit of pomp and ceremony.

Much better idea to put the money towards their futures.
My Dd won’t be able to buy a property until I’ve gone, so it makes sense to me.

They are quite ok with that and said they will have a private gathering to remember me by.

M0nica

I think it is very selfish for people to make all their own decisions about their funeral without full discussion witg their family.

By the time it happens you will be dead and will get no benefit from it. meanwhile you may have tied your grieving family into doing things they really do not want.

I am leaving my family to decide themselves what sort of funeral they feel will sustain them best. Whether it is dumping my remains in the land waste bin and letting the council remove me, or hiring a great cathedral, and a symphony orchestra for a full requiem mass, I leave to all to them to do what will bring them, the living, left behind grieving, the greatest solace. I will no longer be sentient, so will know nothing about it.

I disagree. As long as you don't ask for anything out the ordinary/easy you are relieving them of some of the work and decision making and of any possible disagreements between those left.

Ahh, that's lovely essjay. Children can be so sweet.
Although my son did try to dig -up his Pappy when we visited the cementry! 🤔

I did this several years ago then binned the whole lot and decided I want a non attended cremation.

As a church minister I've conducted over 400 funerals, and the most upsetting to arrange are the ones where the family have no idea what the deceased would have wanted. Because doing what their loved one would want is so important to them when the time comes.
I advise anyone who asks; write down what you would like in the way of hymns, readings, music, flowers etc. and then tell someone where to find it. Because many, many times a relative will tell me that "I know s/he wrote it all down but now I can't find it", which makes a difficult time even more upsetting.

I thought I’d posted a reply here, but I must have done something wrong. Anyway, I have told my children that I don’t want a funeral at all. Once I realised this was possible. It seemed the obvious answer. Just have a cremation, and spend the money that would have been spent on a funeral on a lovely meal out.

Pure Cremation were wonderful when my husband died. Sent me a form to sign, and told me when the ashes were to be delivered. All the paperwork after is a nightmare, for pensions, bank accounts etc. so be warned. Still wading through after 3 months.

Knowing I’m going to have major surgery later this year and terrified I might die, I decided I needed to have this conversation with my daughters-both in their 40s. I asked them what they thought of funerals we had attended and how they thought they might feel about mine. They asked me what I wanted when my time comes and were quite happy with my opinions. Just have me cremated quietly and keep your happy memories. I wasn’t too pleased at the fact that most of these companies sending your remains miles away to be cremated and having spoken to our local Funeral company they told me they use the local Crematorium so I wouldn’t have to leave my lovely county of Norfolk. Then I want to scattered in the sea at my favourite place. I love them all too much to subject them to watching a box with my remans being carried around and then have to sit through any sort of service looking at it. One day have a nice old fashion family tea party-don’t forget to make my trifle- and play my favourite music!

After a lifetime of wanting burial I’ve decided on a direct cremation because I absolutely loathe crematorium services. I then want my ashes buried in consecrated ground and a small headstone. Cheap, simple. No eulogy from someone who never met me, no hymns which nobody knows.

My father left a drawing of where to scatter his ashes, and told me his favourite music and hymns. He also left records of bank accounts and contact details of friends.
It was a great help to me as executor. Mums was more difficult because she left nothing and we had to hope she would have been pleased.
I'm going with Dad's approach.

What they do is up to them. I really want a burial though and not a cremation, prefably woodland.
I find these threads depressing, but they give me the kick I need to write my will which is not done yet.

I wrote down my wishes sometime ago and I hve just reserved my burial plot in the local crematorium.

Monica you are right to be wary. My MIL had been married 3 times, surviving all three. She died in Ireland with the stipulation that she should be cremated. At that time there was only one crematorium in Ireland so off we went on a hundred mile journey, her next wish was to be divided in 3 and one third of her to be buried with each husband. So off we went to rural Ireland, another hundred miles, the Isle of Mann, and Essex. It took a year and cost a fortune.
However, I think a favourite song, colour, poem is o.k. My MIL bless her, drove everyone crazy in life, so it kind of made sense, although my husband really didn't see it that way.

If DH goes before me, after being with him since I was 17, I would hate for his last journey to be on his own, going to the crematorium with no one to mourn him.

Not saying it needs heaps of people there, but close family, yes.

There is a book being advertised on my social media which says on the front ‘ It’s Your Problem Now - I’m Dead’ with space for all your information, funeral wishes etc (:there’s another design which says ‘ Oh F*£k, I’m Dead’)
Mine know I want a Catholic burial, and the tomb is waiting!
I have decided on a change from the undertaker we have used for years, as they have been taken over, and I don’t like their work now!

The main reason I've told everyone what I want is that I was left at a bit of a loss after my mother died. She had stipulated that she wanted to donate her body to science, but when we tried to arrange that, they already had their full quota of bodies and couldn't take any more. So if you are planning to do that yourself, please have a plan B in place, as there can be a number of reasons why a body won't be accepted.

M0nica

I think it is very selfish for people to make all their own decisions about their funeral without full discussion witg their family.

By the time it happens you will be dead and will get no benefit from it. meanwhile you may have tied your grieving family into doing things they really do not want.

I am leaving my family to decide themselves what sort of funeral they feel will sustain them best. Whether it is dumping my remains in the land waste bin and letting the council remove me, or hiring a great cathedral, and a symphony orchestra for a full requiem mass, I leave to all to them to do what will bring them, the living, left behind grieving, the greatest solace. I will no longer be sentient, so will know nothing about it.

My sentiments exactly Monica

Why would you need to discus your. It's none of your son's business. My late husband had written everything down decades before he died. I can tell you it was a wonderful idea,I have done the same. The only thing he didn't say was where he wanted his ashes scattering, clearly, it was of no importance as he was meticulate with everything else.

Yes absolutely you have done the right thing.As a nation we don’t discuss death or our wishes enough .
Thankfully my late mother left a folder containing her wishes for the family to find
when her time came. It made life so much easier at the time when sorting out her funeral.
It’s something that we should all do this

MOnica Wonderfully expressed. My aunt has just let me know her funeral instructions, and to put it plainly it involves a lot of people travelling first for a church service and then miles to a crematorium. I am inclined to send her to the crematorium on her own. But will I feel guilty if I do?

Yes you have done totally the right thing! So many family when a loved one dies have no idea as to what type of funeral they want as they are scared that it may bring on death...but no it doesn't!
Talk to your loved ones openly and let them know where to find your list

Shinamae, my thoughts exactly. Burn and return for both of us, all paid for. Our DD are relieved that they won’t have to go through the hassle of arranging funerals and will probably arrange a bit of a do for those that want to raise a glass or two. But that is just us and I respect totally those who want the traditional funeral. I can’t say I’m that bothered what happens to my remains when I shuffle this mortal coil. I do rather like the idea of my ashes being in a beautiful urn on the mantelpiece, but the compost will do just as well!

Not selfish to not discuss - whoever said that should accept that everyone is different . In the turmoil of grief when there’s so much to organise , trust me it’s quite useful to have someone’s wishes to follow as opposed to all arguing / having different opinions about the whole ceremony . I shall choose my music because I know what I want to be remembered by but whether anyone will actually play it s different matter !

One of my favorite books is "Stiff" by Mary Roach, a very funny collection of essays about what can be done with one's body after death. Here in the US, one option is for it to be used as a crash test dummy. I like that idea, although I might ask that mine be sent to a "body farm," where my corpse will be left outdoors so forensic scientists can learn from it & I'll get plenty of fresh air & sunshine.

My DH aunt wrote down exactly how she wanted her funeral including her eulogy. This included details of the flowers she wanted to accompany her coffin. She’d set up a separate account to cover the costs. Which I think was great for her only child to follow his mother’s instructions. I suspect she did this after she left him to do his father’s eulogy, which didn’t sound like the man we knew and loved.

My family know how I want to be dealt with when I die, I just want cremated and my ashes scattered amongst my beloved roses. I don’t want a service of any sort, I want my family to take the money a funeral would’ve cost and spend it how they wish.